Author Archive for Carey

106 - To build a christ centered home - site

To build a Christ-centered home, you go first (Episode 106]

Posted by Carey

· Tuesday, March 20th, 2018

This is the last of the “chapters” in my Family Foundations series, aimed at helping you create a Christ-centered home. In case you haven’t noticed I want to draw two important things to your attention.

#1: So far I’ve said very little about many of the things typically addressed in a series about a Christ-centered home and family.

For example, I’ve hardly mentioned…

Marriage
Parenting
Home life
Finances
Family standards
Discipline of children
Communication
and the list could go on…

Of course, I’ve deliberately neglected those topics, and here’s why:

Those areas are not where you should begin when considering what it means to have a Christ-centered home.

They are the areas of home and family life that will demonstrate the fruit of a Christ-centered home, but not the sources of the fruit. Christ Himself is the source of Christ-centered fruit, and you MUST remember that as you begin thinking about what it will take for you to have a Christ-centered home.

Why is it so important to remember? It goes back to the issue of foundations, as Jesus taught in Matthew 7:24-29. In the final verses (28-29) you can see that the people of His day noticed something different about His teaching.

And when Jesus finished these sayings, the crowds were astonished at his teaching, for he was teaching them as one who had authority, and not as their scribes.

Jesus’ teaching doesn’t just carry authority, His teaching IS authority. It is the very word of God, along with the rest of the Bible… and the life that is built on His teaching is a life that is well-founded, built on the strongest of foundations. Jesus’ way and teaching is the only solid thing that your home or family can be built on, so you must start there. THAT is the beginning of a Christ-centered home.

#2: In this series, so far I’ve focused primarily on YOU, as an individual, not on your family as a group.

Each of us is first of all, responsible for ourselves before we truly can be responsible for others. Your own life is your primary area of stewardship out of which all the others flow. If you are not the best you Christ intends you to be, then the family you are to lead, influence, or contribute to will not be the family Christ intends it to be. In other words, a Christ-centered home is not possible if those who lead it are not Christ-centered themselves.

The word order in the name of this website reflects this truth:

Christian comes first. Before all else you must be a Christian – a Christ-follower, a Christ-like one, a disciple of the King of Kings and LORD of Lords. This is more than a religious title you pin on, it is your identity. Everything else should flow out of who you are in Christ. Stay with me on the blog, and we’ll explore that issue a TON more.

Home comes second. The relationships within your home, beginning with the marriage relationship (with the exception of a single-parent home), are some of the largest stones at the bottom of the walls of your Christ-centered home. The stability of relationship that exists between those leading the home is fundamental to the home’s stability. Don’t get these first two switched around… a home centered on a marriage instead of on Christ, is a home focused on an idol.

and Family comes last (but is often where we begin in thinking about these issues). Your family as a whole can and should be Christ-centered, in how it functions, how it communicates, how it expresses Christ for the world to see, etc. But it can’t and won’t if you get the order of focus switched around. Put Christ first in your life… and then you’ll see more clearly to help the others in your family put Him first in their lives.

Christian – Home – Family. That’s the order. It’s where I began with this series (and this website), and that’s where I end – because it’s the truth that guides and establishes the foundations of a Christ-centered home.

Q: What will you do with what you’ve learned so far?

Q: How will you begin ensuring that Christ is central to your life?

Categories : Marriage, Parenting, Spirit Health

Tags : Christ-centered family, family foundations, family life, healthy family

105 - Why our kids don't date and how we accomplished it - site

Teen Dating: Why our kids do not date (and how we accomplished it)

Posted by Carey

· Thursday, February 15th, 2018

Teen dating seems to be the norm… but we’ve decided that our kids will not date until they are 18.

This post is not about dating VS courtship… so you can relax.

This post is about the wisdom (or lack of wisdom) that is inherent in the cultural practice of dating… and what can be done about it in YOUR family.

When my oldest son was very small, my wife and I prayerfully decided that when they reached the teen years, our children would not “date” in the typical sense of the word. Our experiences with dating had not been all that great and we knew there had to be a better way for a Christ-centered family to go about it.

Before I tell you how we accomplished that in a way that all our children have willingly and even joyfully adopted it… let me tell you WHY we made that decision.

OR – just listen to me explain it on the player below. 🙂

Reasons we didn’t want our teens to date

#1 – “Pairing up” as couples is for the purpose of heading toward marriage

We really believe that.

Think it through with me for a minute… at what age is a young man or young woman actually READY to be seriously heading toward marriage? Twelve? Sixteen? Eighteen? What do YOU think?

You absolutely MUST answer that question well if you are going to think about this issue well.

When we allow eleven or twelve year olds… or fifteen and sixteen year olds for that matter, to pair up – it’s premature.

They are not yet of marrying age, so why would we allow them into a context where everything is heading toward marriage? They aren’t ready for it… so it’s foolish to allow it.

We can talk about it in ways that prepare them for what’s ahead… and we should. But we don’t have to thrown them into dating in order for them to learn about it.

There’s no other reason for a young man and young woman to pair up.

Yes, they learn a lot by dating.

Yes, they are forced to handle things like misunderstanding, hurt, etc.

Yes, dating enables teens to be affirmed and encouraged.

BUT… to us those are minor benefits that come in a context of a WHOLE LOT of problems – problems that are not yet ready to handle.

#2 – Romantic relationships require a tremendous amount of maturity and emotional self-control in order to be healthy

Teen dating is often a huge waste of time because the teens in question simply aren’t mature enough to handle it or learn from it well.

Even adults have a hard time handling the emotions that come with a committed relationship.

There are vital, mature skills needed in order to make a one-on-one relationship like dating work – things like deep communication, consideration of others, insight into human nature, commitment to high moral standards, etc.

How many pre-teen or teen-aged kids do you know who have those skills? How many adults?

Why would we put our children/teens into a relationship for which they are not prepared? When we do, failure is the only logical outcome… as well as pain that doesn’t need to happen.

Instead of putting them in the dating meat-grinder, why don’t we use the time to build good character into them?

Why don’t we help them learn how to think biblically and maturely about marriage, relationships, and family?

I think that goes a lot farther than the dating alternative.

#3 Dating places far too much sexual temptation on the soul of a child who is not ready to bear it.

Our culture sexualizes everything… dating most of all.

From the moment a couple pairs up the pressure is on to hold hands, get physically close, kiss, touch each other’s bodies, and everything that naturally follows.

We believe it’s unhealthy and unwise to put children in that context. Yes, even teenagers.

Here are some questions for you to consider:

Is this child ready for the responsibility of their own child?
Is this couple ready for the responsibility of a family?

If not… dating is a bad idea. Teens aren’t ready for it yet.

#4 – Dating encourages emotionalism that can easily cloud sound, godly judgment.

Every Christian parent wants their child to marry a person who loves Jesus.

Every Christian parent wants that “other person’s” personal walk with Christ to be a positive influence on their child.

But how many times does that happen in the normal teen dating scene? Very seldom.

Here’s an example of what happens instead:

A young lady is allowed to get involved with a young man who is not all that the parents hope.
He’s probably not even all the the young lady hoped… but he’s paying attention to her, saying sweet nothings, making her feel special… and it’s hard for her to think about all the things he’s not.
She feels too many warm fuzzies being around him to let herself consider such logical matters.

This scene could happen with a young man just as easily as a young woman. I’ve seen it in counseling and pastoral ministry countless times.

What has happened? There isn’t enough spiritual and emotional maturity developed yet… they don’t have a chance of stepping back, considering reality, and making a godly decision… especially in a culture that tells them relationships of this type are all about the feelings.

Dating sets that up for teens… makes it the most likely outcome.

That’s dangerous, and we don’t want any part of it.

Those are some of the more vital reasons we decided that our children would not date as teens.

To us, it seemed like inviting a hungry lion into our sheepfold… and we wanted our little lambs to live to see the day they had the opportunity to raise their own little flock.

How did we accomplish our children happily not dating?

It’s not as hard as you might think… unless you’ve waited too long to get started.

#1 – We started young

When our children were old enough to understand that there were such things as girls and boys, we began talking about the wonderful differences God created in male and female.

We began explaining the way a man and woman come together in marriage to create a family. We began telling them how much the LORD loves marriage.

Then we began talking about how a man and woman come to be in love, how they have to be mature, healthy, and grown-up enough to love and take care of the needs of another person.

We’d even talk about how far our children were from being ready for that responsibility.

That’s not criticizing our kids or giving them a reason to feel insecure. It’s teaching them humility and a right perspective of their need for God.

Without fail, they saw it as clearly as we did and had no desire to have a boyfriend or girlfriend, no matter how “cute” it might be at a young age.

#2 – We continued the conversation

When our kids were eight, nine, ten, and eleven, we began talking about dating itself… mostly through discussing what we observed going on around them.

We pointed out teen couples and asked our children what they thought.

We asked them if they thought it was wise for a couple who is not old enough or mature enough to get married, to pair up like that.

Without hesitation, they said, “No.”

They saw for themselves that teen dating is a silly thing.

But go back to point #1 – that’s where those opinions were formed.

#3 – We introduced our plan

Before we started talking about dating-alternatives, we first talked about what it takes to be a good companion.

Maturity, selflessness, wisdom, self-control, willingness to serve, desire to care for another person.

We helped our children see that before they’d be ready to pair up, they’d need to be well on their way in those and other areas.

From there, we told them that we did not think it was wise for them to date at all until they were of an age that they could “do something about it” (get married) if they wanted to and the right person was on the scene.

They saw it the same way and agreed to it, no problem.

But again… Step #1 was the groundwork for those decisions. Our kids didn’t come to those conclusions overnight.

#4 – We watched carefully and continued to talk

All of our discussion and planning didn’t prevent crushes and puppy-love from showing up in our home.

It wasn’t long before one of our kids got asked out or was invited to be somebody’s girlfriend or boyfriend.

Let me pause here to say this… if you’ve not been consistently pursuing your children with good communication up until this point, this is where they may try to hide things from you.

If so, you’re in for it. Just know that. Be humble. Love them well. Work to show them how much you are FOR THEM.

For those who haven’t reached that point yet, understand this:

The early years of your relationship with your children establish healthy groundwork for the teen years. You have GOT to work at developing closeness with your children all the way along.

Don’t wait until the teen years and then expect that you’re going to be able to pull off a healthy dating policy. You’ll get serious push-back.

So, back to my description…

We didn’t allow the crushes and invitations from potential significant others to go underground. We talked about them.

We asked the child what they liked about the person. We asked if they felt warm inside or happy inside when they were with them. We wanted our kids to know that we understood what they were feeling.

But we also asked them again if they were ready for marriage. We asked them if they were ready to love that other person the way that a committed relationship requires.

This helped them see that what they were feeling was only feelings… not a true gauge of their readiness.

Then we’d remind them… “This is why we decided that you wouldn’t date… remember?” They did… and we’d move ahead in unity.

And we continued to talk, almost daily, as long as we knew the feelings of attraction were still there.

Typically it wasn’t long until the feelings went away and they were once again happily non-dating teens.

It was kind of funny… by the time our kids were fourteen or fifteen, they were saying to us and others (with great conviction) the very things we’d said to them about dating.

What happened when they were old enough to date?

The story has been told many times already about what happened when my oldest son met his future wife.

He was 19 at the time, and had been going to a weekly western dance at a camp near where we live because one of his friend’s dads ran the thing. One Thursday evening when he and his sister (two years younger) were getting ready, she said, in our hearing, “Aaron, did you tell Mom and Dad about Hannah?”

You’d better believe we stepped through that door…

He told us about this cute red-head he’d met the week before, but he didn’t seem as excited as I expected. So I asked him, “Do you like her? Do you think she might be a person you would marry?”

He said, “Yeah, maybe.”

That’s when I said the infamous phrase he’s repeated many times…

“What are you going to do about it?”

He said that’s when he realized that I thought he was ready. It mattered to him that I thought he was mature enough to pursue a loving relationship with a young woman… and that he’d do well at it.

And he has.

Categories : Parenting, Podcast

Tags : dating, marriage, why my kids don't date

104 - personal weaknesses of your spouse - site

Loving The Personal Weakness of Your Spouse [Ep 104]

Posted by Carey

· Thursday, January 18th, 2018

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Our culture tends to be a really self centered. There is not much grace for the personal weakness of others.

And so, in step with our culture, a lot of the things that you hear talked about when it comes to the difficulties of married life have to do with one of the partners being bothered by the actions or attitudes of the other partner.

As a result we hear complaining – we hear wishes of the things that the other spouse would do differently – and I think while that’s totally understandable, it is NOT the approach we as believers in Christ should be taking.

This episode is all about THAT – what do you do when it comes to your spouse’s personal weaknesses? My contention – you should love them not only in spite of those weaknesses, you should also love them IN those weaknesses.

Listen to this episode to hear my explanation.

What you’ll learn about loving your spouse’s personal weaknesses…

[2:00] The different approach believers in Christ need to take when it comes to the weaknesses of others – including our spouse
[7:20] The approach of proactive love in the areas of weakness your spouse experiences
[8:54] Jesus is the perfect example of proactive love – like we need to express to our spouse

What I’ve discovered about proactively loving the personal weaknesses of my spouse (and that she’s learned about mine)…

It was 8 to 10 years into my marriage before Iearned a very important truth about the way I’m supposed to love my wife. It has to do with those things that my spouse struggles with personally.

I’m talking about struggles here, things that give her a hard time in life – like in the securities and fears and doubts she feels, you know, those kinds of things that plague all of us but that we don’t always readily want to admit to other people.

You know you get to see those in your spouse better than you get to see them in anyone else. And as time goes on you get to learn what it is that pushes their buttons…

Things that make them afraid
Things that makes them doubt themselves
Things that make them doubt God’s work in their lives

Instead of being bothered by those things, instead of being perturbed or irritated, or complaining – we as believers in Christ have a great opportunity to really care for our spouse in a proactive way when it comes to those things.

Take the time to listen to this short episode to find out how you can do that – how you can help your spouse in those very areas of personal weakness that plague them the most – by your effective use of proactive love.

Thinking ahead in light of your spouse’s personal weaknesses can help you help them through the power of love that never fails. Here’s how it works…

Getting ourselves in a position where we’re mindful of the struggles our spouses have, knowing the things that are hard for them is a great opportunity for us to help them overcome those very things that plague them the most.

What we need to do is to love them in a way that tries to help them with those very issues ahead of time. I can give you an example or two from my experience – and my wife does not mind me sharing this with you because she shares this with people all the time. It’s one of the examples she often shares to enable others to understand what it is to be human and how we fight our own failings and our own insecurities day after day after day in order to better follow Christ.

And so here’s is the example when we first married.

My wife had this tendency to be very very concerned about what people thought of her. You know…

Did they approve of what she said there?
Did they feel like she was being wise?
Did they see her in some critical light or think badly of her?

That may sound extreme but if we are honest we know that we all struggle with that sort of thing from time to time – we all have that sort of desire to please people. And with my wife, I had begun to notice that and how sometimes it became almost debilitating.

She could be struggling with an insecurity, she could be struggling with some situation and it caused her to doubt herself – it caused her to to wonder if she was truly wise in the LORD. It caused her to have all kinds of questions about herself.

When I began to notice how hard it was for her, the LORD gave me an idea. I was to help her know the TRUTH about what He was doing in her, about the gifts of wisdom and insight He had given her, by encouraging and affirming her in those very areas.

It served as a counteractive force against the insecurities she was feeling so that eventually, she could begin to believe and act on the truth.

This episode is about that – learning about your spouse’s weaknesses for the sake of helping them overcome them. Listen – please, listen. This could change your marriage.

The love of Jesus (dying on the cross) demonstrates the way we are to sacrifice in order to meet the exact needs of others, especially those we love most

When Jesus died on the cross, He did so in part to love us IN our weaknesses. Before we were even born – think about that – we were on His mind when He was on the cross.

No, we did not deserve His love, we did not have any sense in which we were competent in and of ourselves – yet Jesus came to die for us, to love us ahead of time because He knew the need we were going to have.

Our love for our spouse is to mirror the love of Christ for His church. We are able through His strength to NOT be irritated by our spouse’s personal weaknesses or insecurities, or the same old struggles that they might go through again and again and again. Instead, we have an opportunity. to minister to those areas of need, those areas of weakness – we have an opportunity to help for them overcome those things in a proactive way.

I hope this concept is striking a home with you.

Because I know we all, throughout the course of our lives, feel various times of irritation with our spouse. And it’s in those moments that we have to learn, we have to remember, that Christ in us wants to help our spouse, He actually wants them to grow out of the struggle to be a person who overcomes BECAUSE OF His power in their life.

And that can be done, in part, by the way we love the mess our spouse can be in at times.

We don’t give up on them just like Jesus does not give up on them.
We don’t resign ourselves to the fact that “That’s just the way they are!”

No, instead, we hold out hope for them. We rest in the fact that Christ is not finished in with the work He’s is doing in them – and that we as their spouse are one of the primary tools He will use to enable them to overcome those very struggles that are so bothersome to us.

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Categories : Marriage, Podcast

Tags : spouse's personal weakness

How a commitment to personal freedom is gutting Christian parenting [Ep 103]

Posted by Carey

· Thursday, December 21st, 2017

How a commitment to personal freedom is gutting Christian parenting…

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A while back my wife and I were talking about absolutes…

As we sat over coffee at our favorite local hangout (my favorite drink is a “Honey Badger,” with a little extra “badger” – you should try one), we were trying to soak in the blessings God has poured out on our lives. We both teared up at times (which happens when you realize how much you don’t deserve all the goodness you get from God).

We were wondering at the fact that so many in the new generation of parents seem to be put off by absolutes.

We hear it often in statements like these…

I want to parent in a way that encourages my child to take charge of their life.

I don’t want to require things of my kids, I want them to discover it for themselves.

I want my kids to be free to chose their own path.

On the surface all of these statements have some elements of truth to them. I have no problem there.

But stated in those ways, each of them communicates what I believe is an underlying belief system – that personal freedom is of the utmost value. And that’s a poisonous contention that is quickly gutting Christian parenting of its effectiveness.

Freedom is a great blessing God has given to us as humans… but it has its limits.

In my years as a pastor I was often asked what I thought about the issue of “free will.” It’s a sort of hotbed issue for many who enjoy the intellectual challenge of understanding deep things.

My answer was seldom satisfactory for most people who asked, but it’s one I’ve come to over many years of watching the impact both sides of the debate have had on the real lives of people.

My response to the question?

I believe people have “free will,” but only within the limits of what they are as creatures.

Simply, that means that God remains God. He gets to choose everything that happens, and He does. Our freedom operates within that, underneath that, never outside it.

So, are we responsible for the choices we make? Absolutely. But over and above that choice is God, working all things together for our good and His glory.

How does this gut Christian parenting of its effectiveness?

When parents put emphasis on teaching their children that they are free to choose, to act, to determine their own destiny, they are doing a good thing. Those are important realizations for anyone to come to.

But if they do so to a greater degree than they focus on the fact that the child is deeply loved by and answerable to the living God, that child is being deprived of the most central reality of the universe: God Himself as an active part of life.

What’s the most important thing you could teach them from an early age?

He is life.

THAT is the truth that governs all that is. It’s the sovereign fact that trumps the child’s personal freedom every, single time.

Knowing that God is real, alive, and personally active in their life is what will activate and grow the child’s godly conscience. It’s what will make them care whether their actions and attitudes are rebellious and self absorbed, or appropriately submissive and others-centered.

This morning as we sat over our drinks, my wife recalled a memory from when our oldest son was very small, perhaps 7 or 8 months old. He sat in his bouncy seat on the kitchen table while she put away the dishes.

She told him about Jesus. She told him that her smile was a Jesus’ smile, that Jesus was happy about Aaron (our son’s name).

Those kinds of interactions have been a regular part of how my wife parents.

Did Aaron understand what she was saying?

At that age, not intellectually. But his young soul was sponge-like, soaking up truth as it was being spoken.

As those truths were added to over the years and lived out by the most influential people in his life (his parents), they shaped him from the inside out, orienting him toward God-as-King rather than self-determination.

5 children later, we’ve seen the fruit of those faithful and genuine actions 5 times over.

I say none of this to impress you, but to impress something upon you…

When we favor personal freedom over personal responsibility to the God who is here, now, actively interacting with us, we set up ourselves as the most important consideration.

We push God out of awareness. We make self-determination the highest value. And God becomes an impersonal concept, subject to our individual beliefs about Him.

It’s a pattern for self-deception and soul-destruction.

Seek the Lord and live, lest He break out like fire in the house of Joseph, and it devour, with none to quench it for Bethel, O you who turn justice to wormwood and cast down righteousness to the earth! He who made the Pleiades and Orion, and turns deep darkness into the morning and darkens the day into night, who calls for the waters of the sea and pours them out on the surface of the earth, the Lord is his name; who makes destruction flash forth against the strong, so that destruction comes upon the fortress. They hate Him who reproves in the gate, and they abhor Him who speaks the truth. ~ Amos 6:6-10

Though originally spoken to a culture very far removed from our own, the lesson Amos declares rings true for us today.
When we seek the LORD, we will live.
When we “hate Him who reproves” and “abhor Him who speaks the truth,” we set ourselves up as objects of His wrath.
The central reality of the universe: Our God reigns.Let’s not gut our parenting of the most important reality of the universe.
Let’s not handicap our children long term through well-meaning but misguided notions of self-determination.
Instead, let’s hold forth the central sovereignty of our God and portray Him as the primary “Other” in our children’s lives, the One who cares for them like no other, who guides them in His ways for their good and for His glory.
And let’s demonstrate it ourselves, in how we live, what we say, in the faith we express moment after moment as we guide our children through life.

Categories : Parenting, Soul Health

The KEY to raising godly children (OR: God-fearing children and the parents who raise them ) [Ep 102]

Posted by Carey

· Thursday, December 14th, 2017

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Why would I throw in my thoughts on such a popular and written-to-death sort of subject? Because what I consider to be the KEY to raising godly children has not been said enough, or loudly enough.

The key to raising godly children is to first be a godly parent.

Don’t hear me saying you have to be perfect. Don’t hear me saying you have to make no mistakes.

DO hear me saying,

your relationship with Jesus had better be authentic, not just something that you do on Sundays.
It had better be something more than religious actions.
It had better be more than moralistic teaching and corresponding rules.
It must be an ongoing, vibrant, up-and-down-but-always-headed-upward RELATIONSHIP with Jesus.

Anything less will smell of hypocrisy, and it will absolutely stink in the nostrils of your children. You can’t fool them. They will know if you are a fake, and they will know if you really mean and live what you say.

Your kids want and need the real thing… Jesus. The best way you can give them Jesus is to give Jesus all of yourself.

The LORD has shown me this personally. I’ve seen the teachable, eager hearts of my children in response to my own honest struggles to know the LORD. And I’ve seen disinterested, doubtful responses when the churchy words coming out of my mouth don’t match the attitude of my heart.

What does it look like?

Your children need to hear you talk about Jesus as if He is real to you… in the day to day circumstances of life.
Your children need to hear you pray in a way that shows that you truly KNOW the Person you are talking with.
Your children need to see your love for Jesus carried out in obvious ways – commitment to a local church, genuine worship, and a desire to honor Him in all you do.
Your children need to know by your own devotion that prayer and Bible reading are not just “things you do,” but the lifeblood of your existence.
Your children need to see you so absorbed by Jesus that they want to take part in something that is so obviously wonderful.

How to raise godly children

Begin with the last half of this post title. Start by considering the spiritual health of the pare nt(s) who raise your children. Here are some questions to help you begin…

Do YOU love Jesus (the LORD your God) with all YOUR heart, all YOUR soul, all YOUR mind, and all YOUR strength? (Mark 12:30) Or is there something else (spouse, work, hobbies, money, etc.) that you love more?
Do YOU love your neighbor (irritating co-worker, demanding boss, pesky neighbor, weird relative) as you love yourself? (Mark 12:31)
Do YOU seek first the kingdom of God and His righteousness? (Matthew 6:33) Or are you more concerned with bank accounts, life-insurance, retirement funds, and upward mobility?
Do YOU set apart Christ as LORD in YOUR own heart? (1 Peter 3:15)

Start there. Go on by asking the Spirit of God to help you begin moving more diligently toward Him. Ask Him to GIVE you a heart that seeks Him first and foremost. He delights to answer those types of prayers.

Don’t even think about raising godly children if you are not first and genuinely seeking to be a godly parent.

Q: What do YOU need to do in order to move closer to Christ as a parent?

PIN THIS!

Categories : Parenting, Spirit Health

Tags : Christian parenting, godly children, godly parents, spiritual health

What Does It Mean to Be a Spiritual Leader? : A Challenge for Husbands [Ep 101]

Posted by Carey

· Thursday, December 7th, 2017

A spiritual leader is not the person who has all the right, holy-sounding answers.

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A spiritual leader is a person who humbly goes first in serving others.

That’s one of the many lessons I’ve learned about what it means to be a spiritual leader in my family over the past almost-30 years.

This episode of the Christian Home and Family podcast is aimed at gaining a greater understanding of two of the key biblical passages that speak to the issue of spiritual leadership in the home. In each of the passages, husbands are singled out as the ones responsible to take spiritual leadership in their home.

The first passage, Ephesians 5, points out very clearly that spiritual leadership is an act of service, self-sacrificing service. No man who understands spiritual leadership is going to be domineering or demanding toward the people in his home. Instead, he will be gracious, patient, and loving because those are the demeanors of a servant leader.

This recording contains my off-the-cuff thoughts about how men should approach the issue of spiritual leadership end to grow in their ability to be The Godly spiritual leader in their homes.

Here’s a rough outline of Lessons for Spiritual Leaders

[0:58] The home as the foundational element of society – and why we need to take a more diligent approach to that issue.
[4:37] Looking at Ephesians 5 – A husband’s sacrificial role as a spiritual leader
[11:20] Questions for husbands to consider about their spiritual leadership
[14:58] 1 Peter 3:7 – Learning to be understanding of our wives
[26:17] What does it mean that a woman is said to be a “weaker vessel?”
[34:05] What does it mean to be a spiritual leader? Humility and Initiative

Many times one of the first things we think about when it comes to Jesus is His self-sacrificing nature

But how often do we consider that his leadership was being expressed in that sacrifice? As He said Himself, he did not come to be served but to serve and to give his life as a ransom for many.

That is the kind of leadership the Apostle Paul describes when he speaks of men being the spiritual leader in their homes. It’s not an easy kind of life to live. It’s not a “me on top” existence. it is a life like Jesus lived, serving those who were under His care.

In this podcast episode, I take you through Ephesians 5 with a view toward understanding why that kind of self-sacrifice is required for husbands in order to leave their wives and their families into a place of Health, spiritual strength, and eventual maturity.

Spiritual leaders also work hard to understand those they lead

Those who are the best leaders are typically also the ones who have done the best job of understanding the people that they lead. In 1st Peter chapter 3 husbands are taught to live with their wives in an understanding way.

What does that mean, exactly?

It may sound overly simplistic but one of the primary meanings is that husbands need to understand that their wives are women, not men. Don’t let the simple nature of that statement for you. There’s so much that goes into a good understanding of your wife as a woman. It could take a lifetime to learn.

But I’m convinced that men who are willing to become students of their wives can be empowered by the Spirit of God to love their wives in a way that transforms their own home.

In this episode of the podcast, I share my understanding of 1st Peter 3:7 and how husbands can Learn to live with their wives in an understanding way, and in so doing, enrich the generational Legacy of their families.

Resources & People Mentioned

www.DesiringGod.org – The ministry of John Piper

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Categories : Podcast

Tags : 1 Peter 3:7, Ephesians 5, spiritual leader, spiritual leadership in the home

100 - reality parenting - parenting from the bible

Parenting from the Bible, the Death of Fluffy, and Dealing With Reality [Ep 100]

Posted by Carey

· Thursday, November 30th, 2017

I hope it’s your desire to learn everything you need to know about parenting from the Bible.

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I say that because, in my experience, the Bible is all we need.

Psychology has its place, as do good books from Christian authors. But in the end, the truth expressed in scripture about how we live our lives as Christ-followers applies across the board.

That means that how the Bible instructs us to behave as Christians can and should be applied to the way we lead, teach, and discipline our children. In short: parenting from the Bible is the best way to go.

On this episode of the podcast I wanted to share a parenting mindset with you…

It’s really nothing new, but perhaps I’m going to say it in a way you haven’t heard before.

It’s a way of thinking about the act of parenting that my wife have adopted – and we feel it would benefit anyone who takes the time to understand it and apply it in their parenting.

Yes, it’s what I’ve just described, taking everything we need to know about parenting from the Bible – but I’m doing so in a way that I hope is fresh, clear, and concise – so you can cut through the fog of the parenting philosophies out there and see the common sense truth of what God has to say to us.

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Here’s a rough outline of this episode about REALITY PARENTING

[0:59] The difficult job of being a parent and the confusion parents face today
[2:52] As parents we should be discussing reality with our children
[3:39] The death of Fluffy: an illustration of NOT applying reality perspective
[7:52] What the Bible reveals as your job as a parent
[11:25] How a lack of reality parenting handicaps your kids
[13:06] A better way to handle the death of Fluffy
[18:12] How reality parenting can encourage genuine faith in our kids

So, reality parenting – what IS it?

My wife and I have come to refer to the way we parent as “reality parenting” because it seems to best describe the way we approach parenting, with simplicity.

It’s teaching your kids to handle life according to reality.

We don’t shade the truth.
We don’t hide difficult things from them.
We don’t sanitize things to protect their little ears. (Yes, there are age-appropriate issues to consider, but I don’t really address that on this episode).

And when I say “according to reality” I mean that in a handful of ways…

First, the reality of what happens in the world – in their world – as harsh as it might be.

Second, I mean the reality of God being present IN those things – and the impact that can have for them even at a very young age.

Third, I mean the reality that whatever circumstances may come their way, God is the one who has brought it into their life.

And talking about it in those ways requires lots of discussion, on their level, with absolute honesty and a compassionate, listening ear.

Like I say at the beginning of this episode – parenting is probably the hardest job in the world.

I believe THAT is parenting from the Bible, the way the Bible teaches

Granted, the Bible never uses the phrase “reality parenting.”

But it does tell us to speak the truth in love (Ephesians 4:15).

It does tell us to walk by faith, not by sight (2 Corinthians 5:7).

And there’s lots more – but I think you get my point.

Our job as parents is to apply those things to our own life, then to help our kids learn how to live them out as well, where they are in life at the moment difficulties arise.

What about the REALLY hard stuff that could damage our children?

I know there are difficult things children shouldn’t have to deal with.

But generally speaking (GENERALLY SPEAKING, please know there are exceptions to this in my mind) that’s simply the way things are in a fallen world.

Our job – OUR JOB as parents is to help our children navigate what IS, not what we WISH was the case.

And more than helping them navigate it, we are to help them hold onto unwavering faith in the sovereign God of the universe while they navigate it.

That’s how we build a legacy of faith that can last generations. It’s hard work. Very hard work.

It won’t happen by soft-selling life, coddling our kids’ emotions, or preventing anything difficult or uncomfortable from entering their world.

That sets them up for true disappointment when everything they THOUGHT about God and life proves to be untrue – because their well-intentioned parents withheld the truth from them.

No thanks.

You think it’s hard to parent kids the “reality parenting” way – just try to pick up the pieces from THAT kind of disappointment.

In this audio you’ll hear my overview of what I’m calling “reality parenting,” from the Bible 🙂

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Categories : Parenting, Podcast

The Foundation of a Marriage that Honors Christ – part 4 of 4 [Ep 99]

Posted by Carey

· Thursday, November 23rd, 2017

The foundation of a marriage is an important thing.

It’s not something to be taken lightly. This episode was the final session I gave on Sunday morning at a recent marriage retreat. The notes below are my speaking outline from that event.

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*******************

Underlying everything we’ve explored this weekend is a massive, foundational truth that to me, feels to be the right place to place our attention as we wrap up and say goodbye.

THAT TRUTH: God is, and by faith He is ours and we are His.

Can I say that again?

God IS. And BY FAITH He is ours and we are His.

I want to define my terms briefly because this is SO important…

GOD IS: We have not dreamed Him up to compensate for our insecurities or to serve as an emotional crutch to get through life. He exists. He is real.

OURS/WE: Those who are redeemed by His blood, adopted into His family, Christ-followers.

HE IS OURS: Not in the sense that this tablet is mine: something I own and have control over – but in the sense that Mindi is mine: she has committed herself to me, to my well-being, and to remaining faithful to me.

WE ARE HIS: Though it could be said that we are God’s in the sense that this tablet is mine, that could also be true of all humanity. I’m talking about Christ-followers here. In that sense we are His in that He has chosen us before the foundation of the world (Eph. 1:4) to BE His… His children, His ambassadors, His co-workers, the trophies of His grace.

BY FAITH: I do NOT mean the wishful-thinking or “hoping” kind of faith commonly expressed in our culture. I mean the recognition of steadfast, unwavering truth as revealed to us by God Himself and the full and active dependence on that truth to BE true for us.

So again…

God IS. And BY FAITH He is ours and we are His.

That statement, fully understood and embraced can have a dramatic, positive impact on every marriage in the room.

It’s the foundation underneath everything we pondered in session 1 – Your individual commitments to Jesus.

It’s the truth that motivates the unified and diligent pursuit of ongoing communication we considered in session 2.

It’s the basis for unity and deep connection we highlighted in session 3.

A.W. Tozer said,

“What comes into our minds when we think about God is the most important thing about us. … Worship is pure or base as the worshiper entertains high or low thoughts of God. For this reason the gravest question before the Church is always God Himself, and the most portentous fact about any man is not what he at a given time may say or do, but what he in his deep heart conceives God to be like.” ~ in “The Knowledge of the Holy” (www.CareyGreen.com/Tozer-Holy)

So I’d like to wrap up our time with a deeper examination of the first part of this statement – GOD IS.

So turn with me to Exodus 34, the passage where God first revealed Himself clearly and intimately. I want us to hear, from His lips, what He expresses about Himself.

God IS

Context:

Israel has been delivered from Egypt through horrible plagues, judgments of God.
God led them to Sinai where Moses received the law.
While Moses was on the mountain receiving the law, the people cajoled Aaron into making an idol for them, and they forsook God.
God told Moses what was going on, so he headed down the mountain.
When he arrived and saw the reality of what was happening, he lost his cool – smashed the stone tablets God had provided, ground up the golden calf, laced the water with it, and made the people drink.
He also gathered the sons of Levi (who is on the Lord’s side) and sent them among the people to slaughter their own kinsmen (3000 died).
Moses heads back up the mountain to intercede for the people.

The LORD said to Moses, “Cut for yourself two tablets of stone like the first, and I will write on the tablets the words that were on the first tablets, which you broke. 2 Be ready by the morning, and come up in the morning to Mount Sinai, and present yourself there to me on the top of the mountain. 3 No one shall come up with you, and let no one be seen throughout all the mountain. Let no flocks or herds graze opposite that mountain.” 4 So Moses cut two tablets of stone like the first. And he rose early in the morning and went up on Mount Sinai, as the LORD had commanded him, and took in his hand two tablets of stone. 5 The LORD descended in the cloud and stood with him there, and proclaimed the name of the LORD. 6 The LORD passed before him and proclaimed, “The LORD, the LORD, a God merciful and gracious, slow to anger, and abounding in steadfast love and faithfulness, 7 keeping steadfast love for thousands, forgiving iniquity and transgression and sin, but who will by no means clear the guilty, visiting the iniquity of the fathers on the children and the children’s children, to the third and the fourth generation.” 8 And Moses quickly bowed his head toward the earth and worshiped. ~ Exodus 34:1-8

What we just read REALLY happened on this planet.

There is a REAL Mount Sinai where a REAL man named Moses met the living God.

Let that sink in. Let it squeeze past your daily, normal, altogether earthly existence and realize that the infinite, super-natural, limitless God has made Himself known to us.

Here is what He reveals about Himself:

The LORD, the LORD (the I Am, the I Am)

There are at least 10 things the name Yahweh, “I AM,” says about God:

www.CareyGreen.com/I-AM

He never had a beginning. Every child asks, “Who made God?” And every wise parent says, “Nobody made God. God simply is. And always was. No beginning.”

God will never end. If he did not come into being he cannot go out of being, because he is being.

God is absolute reality. There is no reality before him. There is no reality outside of him unless he wills it and makes it. He is all that was eternally. No space, no universe, no emptiness. Only God.

God is utterly independent. He depends on nothing to bring him into being or support him or counsel him or make him what he is.

Everything that is not God depends totally on God. The entire universe is utterly secondary. It came into being by God and stays in being moment by moment on God’s decision to keep it in being.

All the universe is by comparison to God as nothing. Contingent, dependent reality is to absolute, independent reality as a shadow to substance. As an echo to a thunderclap. All that we are amazed by in the world and in the galaxies, is, compared to God, as nothing.

God is constant. He is the same yesterday, today, and forever. He cannot be improved. He is not becoming anything. He is who he is.

God is the absolute standard of truth and goodness and beauty. There is no law-book to which he looks to know what is right. No almanac to establish facts. No guild to determine what is excellent or beautiful. He himself is the standard of what is right, what is true, what is beautiful.

God does whatever he pleases and it is always right and always beautiful and always in accord with truth. All reality that is outside of him he created and designed and governs as the absolute reality. So he is utterly free from any constraints that don’t originate from the counsel of his own will.

God is the most important and most valuable reality and person in the universe. He is more worthy of interest and attention and admiration and enjoyment than all other realities, including the entire universe.

Q: What impact does it have on you to realize that the I AM is God over your marriage?

merciful and gracious

After what Israel had done, Moses went up the mountain to plead for God’s mercy on the people, and God emphasizes His mercy and grace.

Mercy = not receiving what you deserve. Grace = receiving what you don’t deserve.

In your marriage thus far, you’ve each undoubtedly done and said and felt things you should not have done or said or felt. God’s mercies are new this morning (Lamentations 3:22-23).

But more than that, His grace is sufficient for you (2 Corinthians 12:9).

The great I AM has committed Himself to help you going forward.

Q: What stirs in your soul as you realize that truth?

slow to anger

So different than us. Let the contrast stir up amazement in you.

NO impatience. NO irritation. NO frustration. NO short fuse. THANK GOD!

No matter our offenses, failures, sins against God or against each other, He is slow to become angry.

He’s not looking down on us wishing we’d hurry up and get our act together.

He’s not poised with his cosmic fly-swatter, waiting for one more failure.

He is SLOW to anger.

Q: Any relief that flows out of that truth? What does it motivate you to do in response?

abounding in steadfast love and faithfulness, keeping steadfast love for thousands

Abounding – I love that word. Like a river, it just keeps on flowing.

Steadfast – resolutely or dutifully firm and unwavering

Steadfast love – Unwavering love, resolute love, firm love. Not like human love, not prone to variation, not contingent in any way. As gravity holds us to the planet irrespective of our actions or attitudes about it, God’s love holds us to Himself.

Faithfulness – unfailingly loyal to us and to His word (1 John 1:9)

And He’s capable of doing so for THOUSANDS.

OUR NEXT 10 YEARS: What we are likely to experience. Role of God’s abounding steadfast love and faithfulness.

It’s who He is.

Q: Describe the assurance and peace that thought produces in you. What can you do to arrange for reminders to yourself?

forgiving iniquity and transgression and sin

This is what the church has come to equate the gospel with – forgiveness of sins.

But stop for a moment and make it personal to you and your marriage.

Nothing is a deal-breaker. Nothing is too big. Nothing ever will be.

Through Christ, God has committed to forgive.

Q: Does courage rise up in you as the fullness of this truth settles on your soul? Tell us what you’re feeling…

but who will by no means clear the guilty, visiting the iniquity of the fathers on the children and the children’s children, to the third and the fourth generation.

This is the scary part, at first.

It speaks of God’s justice, His commitment to ALWAYS holding transgressors to account. Nobody and nothing will be overlooked.

All WILL be called to account.

But for us who are IN CHRIST, this passage takes on a new meaning.

In His justice He requires the sentence for our sin be carried out, and in His love, he provides propitiation.

Propitiation – a beautiful Bible word. Providing satisfaction for offenses committed, resulting in reconciliation.

For us, God keeps His word in that He does NOT clear us of our guilt, instead He atones for it. Through Jesus all is made right for us with God.

This means you don’t have to fear God’s judgment about transgressions in the history of your marriage.

You can receive the mercy of God through Christ’s sacrifice and have confidence that you have a new start.

“The LORD, the LORD, a God merciful and gracious, slow to anger, and abounding in steadfast love and faithfulness, 7 keeping steadfast love for thousands, forgiving iniquity and transgression and sin, but who will by no means clear the guilty, visiting the iniquity of the fathers on the children and the children’s children, to the third and the fourth generation.” 8 And Moses quickly bowed his head toward the earth and worshiped.

Great is Thy faithfulness, oh God my Father,

there is no shadow of turning with Thee.

Thou changest not, Thy compassions, they fail not.

As Thou hast been, Thou forever will be.

Great is Thy faithfulness.

Morning by morning new mercies I see.

All I have needed Thy hand hath provided.

Great is Thy faithfulness Lord, unto me.

Pardon for sin and a peace that endureth,

Thine own dear presence to cheer and to guide.

Strength for today and bright hope for tomorrow.

Blessings, all mine, with ten thousand beside.

Great is Thy faithfulness.

Morning by morning new mercies I see.

All I have needed Thy hand hath provided.

Great is Thy faithfulness Lord, unto me.

Categories : Marriage, Podcast

The 3rd “C” of a Christ-Honoring Marriage: Connection [Ep 98]

Posted by Carey

· Thursday, November 16th, 2017

The kind of marriage connection you want is possible…

But you have to understand that it’s built upon other things – the individual relationships you and your spouse have with God through Christ, AND the healthy, ongoing communication you establish with each other.

Only then, can the connection and unity you desire in your marriage come to fruition.

This episode is the 3rd talk I gave at a recent marriage retreat on the 3 Cs of a Christ-honoring marriage.

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Categories : Marriage, Podcast

097 - Christian marriage communication - YT

Christian Marriage: Communication is Key – part 2 of 4 [Ep 97]

Posted by Carey

· Thursday, November 9th, 2017

In a Christian marriage, communication is one of the foundational things that enables man and wife to live together in harmony.

But more important is the WHY it’s so vital. It’s because without communication a wife and her husband are unable to understand the state of the other’s ongoing commitment to Christ and be of benefit to them in that journey.

This audio is the 2nd in a series of talks I gave recently at a marriage retreat. We had some technical issues with my recording device (cell phone interference) but I believe the content is valuable enough to ask you to struggle through the tech issues and glean some benefit anyway.

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Categories : Marriage, Podcast

Love Never Fails. And it’s a bloody process

Posted by Carey

· Friday, November 3rd, 2017

1 Corinthians 13:8 says “Love Never Fails.”

And when you hear a statement like that – even from the Bible – it can feel kind of cliche – ish. You know?

Unicorns. Rainbows. Cartoon hearts floating into the sky. That kind of stuff.

But because it’s from the Bible I take it a lot more seriously than that. I have to look beyond the cliche feeling of it and realize something important.

Behind EVERY cliche is a nugget of truth. It’s my job to find it.

So when Paul says “Love never fails” I want to know first of all what he means by the “never fails” part and secondly, how does it play out in real life.

There are many broken marriages that appear to prove that love does indeed fail.

I don’t have an easy answer to that one. That doesn’t mean that there ISN’T an answer – just that it’s not an easy one.

In such a case many questions have to be asked. The first two to come to MY mind are..

Was there really “true love” in the first place? You know, the kind portrayed in the Bible as self-sacrificing, other-serving?
Did love really fail? I mean in the final outcome? Can we even KNOW such a thing from our limited human perspective?

God is up to more than cartoon hearts floating into the sky when it comes to love. He’s doing something POWERFUL with it.

And since it’s true that “God IS Love” (1 John 4:8) we have to assume that there is DIVINE PURPOSE behind every expression of love, no matter how imperfect that expression of it may be.

So when we say “Love never fails” we are really saying “God never fails” in what HE is doing with the expression of love in question.

Like bricks – God is using each expression of love to build something in the life of the one receiving it.

We don’t always get to know what that is OR what it will look like in the final result.

It’s a result that may come years into the future. Long after people connected to the situation right now are gone. Long after the expression of love in question is forgotten by most people.

But God used it to build His project – whatever it is.

So it’s another of the many situations where WE humans get to express FAITH in what God says… to TRUST that what He is doing deserves our belief.

So in your marriage – your relationships – hold firmly to the truth that love never fails.

It’s God’s all-knowing promise to us, His little-knowing creation.

The statement is meant to bring us comfort, assurance, hope that all the effort we put into loving well is not wasted effort.

Even though it’s painful.

And that brings me to the second half of the title to this post.

Loving well is a bloody thing.

It won’t be easy and it won’t be clean.

You’ll have to commit murder – of yourself – over and over again.

You’ll have to slaughter your sinful habits.

You’ll have to slay your desire to “get” from the relationship in order to be able to give rightly.

That’s what love is. It’s what love is about. Just look at the cross for proof of how far love is willing to go to help another person.

So when you encounter inequity or unfairness in your marriage (whether they really are that or you are just calling them that) – remember that love gives.

Don’t take this lightly. God doesn’t.

He was willing to give His very best and see Him mistreated and maligned for the sake of love.

You are called to do the same. Especially in your closest relationships.

And the only way you CAN do it is because you have ABSOLUTE CONFIDENCE that love never fails.

So it’s not an issue of whether or not it’s true that love never fails.

It’s whether or not you will choose to believe God, Who says it’s true – and take the action required to BE HIS INSTRUMENT of love, no matter the cost.

Categories : Family Foundations

Commitment: The 1st C of a Christ-Honoring Marriage – part 1 of 4 [Ep. 96]

Posted by Carey

· Tuesday, September 19th, 2017

I was recently asked to speak at a marriage retreat here in the mountains of Colorado. My topic, for four sessions was this…

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The 3 Cs of a Christ-Honoring Marriage

Those 3 Cs are: Commitment, Communication, and Connection.

This episode features the first of those talks – Commitment. And it’s not the kind of commitment you might think of when you consider marriage.

Take a listen to this episode to find out about the fundamental commitment each partner in a marriage must have in order to have a truly Christ-honoring relationship.

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Categories : Podcast

Tags : 3 Cs of a Christ-honoring marriage, Commitment in marriage

Marriage Restoration Is Possible: Take These Steps [Ep. 95]

Posted by Carey

· Wednesday, May 10th, 2017

I am one of those people who believes that marriage restoration is possible for any Christ-following couple who is willing to seek God for the type of healing that only He can bring. I’ve seen it happen. So I can confidently say that there is hope for your marriage if you are willing to humbly submit to God’s plan for restoring it. This episode of the podcast is a recording I made as I was driving to pick up my wife from the airport after a visit to her sister’s home in North Carolina. The thoughts were coming rapidly so I decided to record it – and I’m glad I did.

Please forgive the noisy environment – it was in the car. And it was raining. But God gave me a message of hope that I believe is intended for some very specific people I haven’t met yet. But He knows who they are. I trust you’ll find this episode to be a blessing.

Marriage restoration can only happen for those who humbly seek it.

I’ve seen far too many people resort to divorce when they honestly haven’t tried everything they could to restore their relationship. Sometimes it baffles me that individuals would invest so many years of their lives in a relationship and then NOT do EVERYTHING POSSIBLE to restore it. I know pain happens in marriage. I know betrayals go deep. But I also know that many couples who divorce don’t really need to if they would simply trust God to provide the means of healing they need. On this episode I provide a few simple steps for those who want to fight for their marriage, who want to see God restore it.

Outline of This Episode

[2:08] How we were counseled that “divorce” should never be in our vocabulary.
[4:55] Why divorce is contrary to the real purpose of marriage.
[11:10] It’s never too late to recommit to God’s purpose for your marriage.
[16:45] The kind of faith that matters the most for restoring your marriage.

Resources & People Mentioned

www.ChristianHomeAndFamily.com/intensives
Carey(at)ChristianHomeAndFamily(dot)com

Categories : Podcast

Tags : marriage restoration

94 - The Good Stewardship of your family - site

The Good Stewardship Of Your Family Is A BIG Deal [Ep. 94]

Posted by Carey

· Wednesday, May 3rd, 2017

Good stewardship is about more than money and posessions…

Since the recent movies about Spider Man, most of us are familiar with the quote that Peter Parker’s Uncle Ben says to him, just before he dies…

With great power, comes great responsibility.

I’ve always wondered how good old Uncle Ben even had a hunch about Peter’s “super power” – but I digress.

Uncle Ben’s statement is true, I guess – but it falls far too short. Responsibility is not only for those who have some “great power,” it’s for those of us who have a great life. And all of us qualify there.

It took me 45 years of life, 23 years of marriage, 5 kids, and a TON of God’s grace to truly “get” what I am praying you will get from this post. It’s my prayer that the LORD will do a work in you to help you get it much sooner. So, let me start by telling you about the day I had my first deep convictions about the issue…

My good stewardship story

My wife and I married in 1989, and in 1991 our first son Aaron was born. One morning after we got him home from the hospital I was sitting in his room doing some reading. Given the circumstance, it probably won’t surprise you to know that I was reading a book on the subject of fatherhood. As I was finishing up the last page of the book that morning, the very last sentence caught my attention in a way I’ll never forget. Though I don’t remember the exact words, the idea was this:

“In the end, what matters is that I am a good husband and an effective father. By comparison, nothing else matters.”

That last statement hit me right in the heart. “By comparison, nothing else matters.” It was an extreme statement, and it got me thinking. My mind began to create a hypothetical situation similar to what the author was suggesting. I found myself imagining the following, and it changed my life.

I saw myself as an old man, looking back on the events of my life. I imagined being wildly successful as a minister of the gospel (since full time ministry was where I was headed). I thought of the most extreme and successful example I could, a “ what if” scenario. What if I were able to become a widely known and effective evangelist like Billy Graham? What if I were to become a well-known author and speaker, like Chuck Swindoll? What if the LORD chose to bless me in such an unbelievable way? Surely that would be a life to be proud of. But how would it be if, in the midst of that degree of ministry success, the members of my own household did not evidence genuine faith in Christ? What if the demands of ministry, as important as they are, drew me away from diligently shepherding my own family?

My newborn son was lying in his crib, 6 feet away. I closed the book and walked over to the crib where he was sleeping. He was a treasure beyond compare; a staggering gift with which I had been entrusted. To see him eternally lost because of my own ignorance, negligence, or laziness was an unbearable thought, and a regret I couldn’t imagine living with. That is the first time I remember being aware of a vital truth that has continued to shape me to this day.

Before I am anything else, I am a follower of Jesus Christ; and as a follower of Christ, I am responsible for everything and everyone He has given to me. I am a steward.

In that moment, what that meant was this:

If I were to succeed in any other realm but failed in leading my own family to a lasting, genuine faith centered around Christ, then I would be a failure in life. I have come to believe that is the way God sees it. My family is one of my greatest responsibilities. They are my first disciples. And the fact that I will someday answer to the living God for the leadership of my family has become a powerful and constant motivation in my life.

What I learned that morning has deep implications for how I go about life. For example, I cannot serve my family well, if I am not well. I cannot lead them if I am unable to lead myself. Areas of my life that once seemed unrelated to the leadership of my family have come into focus as direct contributors to it. My health, my work, my lifestyle choices, my finances, my ideas and dreams, the relationships I have with people outside my immediate family – these are just the beginning of the things that directly impact how I steward the family God has given me to lead.

Practically speaking, here are some examples of what it means for me to carry out that great responsibility:

If my family is to be honest and trustworthy, I must take the lead in being honest and trustworthy myself.
If I want my children to be physically healthy, I have to set the pace by stewarding my own health well.
If I want to raise God-fearing kids, I must first fear God myself.If I desire them to be students of the scriptures, I have to set the example for them to imitate.
If I long for prayer to characterize their lives, I must first be a man of prayer myself.
If I want love and godly character to be the hallmark of their lives, I must first learn to walk in the power of the Spirit to be those things myself.
And the list goes on, and on, and on, and…

DO YOU GET IT?

Before you read any further, I want you to consider how these things apply to you.

Are you a husband?
A wife?
A parent?
A grandparent?
For what and whom are you responsible before God?

This website is about YOU, not someone else.

It is about your great responsibility before the living God for the life, people, and things He’s given you.

It is about your good stewardship before God. Have you taken the time to consider the true weight of responsibility all of that is? Once you see it, what will you do about it?

In everything I post on this website, I want to help you stoke the flames of godly accountability for your own life and your own family until that fire of responsibility burns strongly in your heart. Whether you are a dad like me, or a mom, or a grandparent, or an older brother or sister, our LORD desires to use you to make an eternal difference in the lives of those He’s given you to shepherd. You are an integral part of His plan to spread His fame and blessing throughout creation.

I exhort you to let that responsibility weigh on you appropriately so that you will be motivated to be intentional about fulfilling it.

Good stewardship, under the leadership of Christ, is the issue.

Therefore you also must be ready, for the Son of Man is coming at an hour you do not expect. “Who then is the faithful and wise servant, whom his master has set over his household, to give them their food at the proper time? Blessed is that servant whom his master will find so doing when he comes. Truly, I say to you, he will set him over all his possessions. But if that wicked servant says to himself, ‘My master is delayed,’ and begins to beat his fellow servants and eats and drinks with drunkards, the master of that servant will come on a day when he does not expect him and at an hour he does not know and will cut him in pieces and put him with the hypocrites. In that place there will be weeping and gnashing of teeth. – Matthew 24:44-51

It’s possible that you’ve read this far and can’t say you personally know Jesus as your LORD and Savior. If so, nothing on this page really matters to you… not yet. You need to become a part of the family of God, through faith in Jesus Christ before it can. Please… don’t pass off the opportunity to know for sure that you are forgiven and accepted by God Himself. Take the time to go to this link, and prayerfully consider what God has done to show His love to you. You’ll be glad you did.

Q: How seriously are you taking YOUR stewardship before God?

Q: What steps will you take to make changes in the right direction?

Categories : Podcast

Tags : Christ's Lordship, Christian life, family responsibilities, great power comes great responsibility, responsibility before God, spiderman, stewardship

A prayer for my grandchildren from the parable of the sower [Ep. 93]

Posted by Carey

· Monday, April 24th, 2017

On becoming “Grand-Pop”

This is a picture of my son Aaron, with his son (my grandson), Wyatt. Don’t you love the matching flannel shirts? His daddy dressed them both that day… and those Carhartt(c) overalls are amazingly cute!

Wyatt was born on June 4th, 2013 – which made him a wondeful birthday present for my youngest daughter Faith, who celebrates her birth on that day. He’s my first grandchild, born to my oldest son, who has only been married for just over 1 1/2 years at the time of this writing.

As I’ve been considering the implications of the birth of this second generation that has sprung from me, I’ve been sobered. Though Wyatt’s upbringing falls mainly on my son and his sweet wife, Hannah, I have a deep conviction in my soul that I am responsible in some very important ways as well. Here are some of the things that come to mind:

For now, they live in the same town as we do, so I have the opportunity to invest the seeds of what God has done in my life, into his life personally – through my interaction with his parents and by building my very own relationship with him (I’m “Grand-Pop,” by the way).

When/if they move away (I’ll hate that day when/if it comes), I’ll have to be intentional about those things long-distance. I’ll have to write letters, send e-mails, make phone calls, do video calls… whatever it takes to make sure that I’m adding to Wyatt’s life what the LORD would have me add.

I can always pray for him… and I’m learning not to take that lightly. I believe that as James says, the prayers of a righteous man avail much (James 5:16). Through Christ I have the opportunity to capitalize on the righteousness He has given to me, on Wyatt’s behalf. I can pray for him confidently, powerfully, and according to the truth of God and EXPECT to see good come of it. I’m just learning to do that as I begin my Grand-Pop journey.

A great pattern for prayer

Though I’ve been a believer in Christ for many years, and have practiced prayer for all that time, I feel like I’m JUST NOW beginning to learn how to pray. I’m just now devoting significant blocks of time to the practice, just now beginning to understand some of what Jesus taught about it, and just now really beginning to apply the head knowledge I’ve had all these years.

When it comes to prayer, I’m sorrowful it’s taken me so long to learn… but grateful for the LORD’s patience, mercy, and grace to get me where I need to be.

Just yesterday, as I was going through my prayer list, I came upon Wyatt’s name. The gravity of my responsibility as his “Grand-Pop” almost crushed me. I realized that my prayers for him matter greatly. I wanted to do my utmost to call down the blessing of heaven on his new, but significant life.

As I thought about his infant soul (he’s just turned 5 months old) I quickly realized that his main need at this point in life is for the LORD to become his… and for him to become the LORD’s. Wyatt, though an “innocent” child, is not innocent at all. He’s born a sinner and therefore needs the Savior. I want redemption for him. I want forgiveness for him. I want the new life in Christ that the scriptures promise for all who will believe. I want Wyatt to believe.

So I began to pray… and found myself praying according to the pattern of the “parable of the sower” Matthew 13:3-9. There, Jesus describes a farmer who is planting seed, a symbol of the truth of God. He also describes 4 different soils, symbols for the human soul, where the farmer plants the seed. Different things result in each case. Here’s how Jesus describes it and defines it:

VS 3-4: A sower went out to sow.And as he sowed, some seeds fell along the path, and the birds came and devoured them.

Jesus’ interpretation – VS 19: When anyone hears the word of the kingdom and does not understand it, the evil one comes and snatches away what has been sown in his heart. This is what was sown along the path.

I don’t want Wyatt’s soul to be the kind that is confused or unable to grasp the truth of the word of God’s kingdom. I want him to be able to understand. If he’s not able to understand, our enemy, the devil, will come and snatch away the seeds his parents and others are planting in his soul. So I pray for Wyatt to be open, receptive, and given understanding to grasp the word of God.

VS 5-6: Other seeds fell on rocky ground, where they did not have much soil, and immediately they sprang up, since they had no depth of soil, but when the sun rose they were scorched. And since they had no root, they withered away.

Jesus’ interpretation – VS 20-21: As for what was sown on rocky ground, this is the one who hears the word and immediately receives it with joy, yet he has no root in himself, but endures for a while, and when tribulation or persecution arises on account of the word, immediately he falls away.

I don’t want the good work Wyatt’s parents are doing in teaching him the ways of the LORD to be something that stays on the surface. I want to see him take it in, deeply, and grow from it. So I pray that the cares of the world and the hardships of life would not be able to quench the joy he can have from a true knowledge of the LORD.

VS 7: Other seeds fell among thorns, and the thorns grew up and choked them.

Jesus’ interpretation – VS 22: As for what was sown among thorns, this is the one who hears the word, but the cares of the world and the deceitfulness of riches choke the word, and it proves unfruitful.

It would break my heart to see Wyatt raised in a home that honors and teaches the word of God faithfully, yet somehow, the deceitfulness of prosperity and the cares of life in a fallen world are able to make him so self-centered and self-protective that he rejects the word for the sake of gaining other, temporary, lesser things. So I pray for Wyatt to have a delight in the word of God… to see it for the treasure that it truly is. I ask the LORD to do this over and over and over in his life each day.

VS 8: Other seeds fell on good soil and produced grain, some a hundredfold, some sixty, some thirty.

Jesus’ interpretation – VS 23: As for what was sown on good soil, this is the one who hears the word and understands it. He indeed bears fruit and yields, in one case a hundredfold, in another sixty, and in another thirty.

THIS is the kind of life I want for Wyatt, the kind of soul I want the LORD to create in him. I pray that the LORD will make Wyatt’s soul into “good soil,” able to receive the word of God in all its fullness and power. I want him to understand it, to understand his own need for it, and for that understanding to bear the fruit of a godly, overcoming, God-honoring life.

A prayer for my grandson

Here’s the actual prayer I prayed that day… straight from my journal:

Wyatt is in great need of Your redemption dear LORD. He is yet to see his own sin, much less be able to repent of it. Father, prepare the soil of his soul for the seed of Your word. Make it good soil – free of the rocks that prohibit growth and free of the bent toward worries that would cloud his view and fill his heart with fear or self interest. Do not allow the thorns and cares of the world to choke out the seed of truth, the life of Jesus that can set him free. LORD Jesus, make Wyatt into good soil, ready to receive Your word at the appointed time, ready to produce the hundredfold fruit and blessings You have in store for his lifetime.

Why I wrote this post

I don’t recount this story to brag or make you think highly of me or my family. I am what I am by the grace of God, and for no other reason (1 Corinthians 15:10).

I write this post to spark your thinking about how YOU can pray for those under your care or in your family line…

Your spouse
Your children
Your grandchildren
Your great grandchildren
Your parents
Your siblings
Your distant relatives
And the list goes on…

Who could you be praying for, along the lines of Jesus’ parable? Who needs YOUR interceding prayer? Will you rise to the challenge and take on warfare for the sake of their soul?

Categories : Parenting, Podcast

92 - letting go of adult children - site

Letting Go Of Adult Children And Taking Hold Of The Faithfulness Of God [Ep 92]

Posted by Carey

· Monday, February 27th, 2017

Many parents, Christian or otherwise, have the hardest time letting go of adult children. There’s no easy way to do it and no magic formula that makes everything turn out perfectly. But there is a realization that I’ve come to as I’ve watched 3 of my children move into adulthood: God is faithful – even now – even after I’ve not done everything I could have done to set them on the best path possible.

Now that your kids are adults, are you beating yourself up about the way you raised them?

If you are, know that you’re not alone. We all have regrets after the fact. We look back with a wisdom we didn’t have at the time – possibly even with insights we have from the school of hard-knocks. We wish we’d done something different, something better. And when our children begin to go down the “not so good” path we set them on through our ignorance or neglect, and continue to do so into adulthood, we can be very hard on ourselves. But I’ve been learning that it’s not too late and that God can bring redemption. After all, it’s what He specializes in.

When letting go of your adult children is hard, cling to God instead.

Whether you think you did a good job raising your kids or not, it’s easy to second-guess and it’s easy to want to “ensure” that your kids make the right choices as they move into adulthood. But the reality is that you can’t do that. They are adults now – and need to be ALLOWED to be adults, bad choices and all. But that doesn’t mean you take a back seat, that you simply leave them to their own devices. You can cling to God in faith, trusting His faithfulness to guide your children as you let go of them. That’s what this episode is about – my realization of how true that reality is – and some words of encouragement for those who may be in the same boat.

Connect With Carey

Carey(at)ChristianHomeAndFamily(dot)com
On Twitter
On Facebook

Categories : Podcast

Tags : faithfulness of God, letting go of adult children

91-where-is-god-in-seasons-of-change-website

God’s Faithfulness in Seasons of Change [Ep 91]

Posted by Carey

· Monday, January 2nd, 2017

Seasons of change are part of life.

There’s no avoiding it. Sometimes the season can linger for much longer than we like. Other times it’s fairly brief. And as is common for almost everyone, change is hard to handle. The same goes for me.

I’ve been away from the Christian Home and Family podcast and website for some time. You may have seen a few blog posts pop up here and there when something was on my heart, but the truth is that I’ve been anything but consistent. This episode of the jump-started podcast is aimed at explaining my absence and hopefully, I can also give you some idea of where I think this thing is headed in the future.

Unexpected seasons of change and how to handle them

If you’ve never been through an unexpected and significant season of change I can tell you, it’s something that throws your whole world off kilter. The things you thought you were supposed to be doing suddenly lose their place in the list of priorities. You have to restructure almost everything. At least that’s how it was for me. But I learned something powerfully important during my most recent time of change. I’d like to share it with you on this episode.

Where is God when sudden and unexpected changes hit?

When sudden unexpected changes come to significant areas of your life, things like your career – that was it for me – it can be very disheartening and disorienting. It’s easy to question God, to wonder where He is in the mess. It’s hard to believe but He’s right there, in the middle of the mess. In fact, He’s the one who’s making it – and for good purposes that you can’t see. You can hear how it happened to me and what I learned from it if you make the time to listen. I hope you will.

Is radical faith for generations still on my radar?

I started a podcast way back in 2012 (I think). The Christian Home and Family podcast – and it’s taken on many different forms since then – is something I still love and still want to promote. But I simply haven’t had the time over the past 3 or 4 years. But I THINK that is changing. So I’m giving it a go again. Here’s my approach and what I’m thinking. I hope you’ll get on board to help me challenge Christ-following parents to set their sights higher, to radical faith that lasts for generations.

Connect With CHRISTIAN HOME AND FAMILY

Carey(at)ChristianHomeAndFamily.com

Categories : Podcast

Tags : God's faithfulness, seasons of change

How to rebuild marital trust

Posted by Carey

· Friday, March 25th, 2016

If you’re wondering how to build marital trust, it’s really pretty simple.

You’ve got to learn how to be entirely open with each other.

Yes, I know it’s hard. It’s worse than hard – it’s almost impossible.

But you’ve GOT to learn it if you’re going to build trust the way it is SUPPOSED to be in marriage.

Here’s an example for you…

One of the most devastating examples of broken trust in marriage is in the case of adultery.

What was once a naive trust on the part of the offended partner is jerked into reality with the delicacy of a train wreck.

Why do I call it “naive trust?” Because that’s what it is… trust based on assumptions and expectations – not on the reality of what’s going on in the offending spouse’s heart.

But if both partners had been committed to actively maintaining open, honest, entirely transparent communication between each other the marital trust would have been protected through loving accountability.

But that’s not what normally happens in marriages these days.

Partners rely on the assumption and expectation of faithfulness – which is valid to do. After all, he/she made a vow to be faithful, right? Yes, but vows have to be carried out in real life, and real life doesn’t play nice. The best of intentions can be derailed in an unguarded moment – just ask Simon Peter.

And if that unguarded moment comes to a husband or wife who’s already withholding things from his/her spouse – there’s no context of accountability that exists, no obvious reminder of the vows that have been made.

So what am I advocating? That couples build marital trust by telling each other EVERYTHING.

Yes, everything.

In every situation.

All the time.

I mean, think it through…

What does it mean to “be one” in marriage if things are intentionally withheld? Nothing. It’s a nice sounding phrase without truth beneath it.

The couple is deceiving themselves and each other, thinking they are closer, more secure in their relationship than they really are.

And the train wreck will come.

It may not be adultery… it could be abandonment, or a sudden divorce, or increasing distance that results in separate lives.

Whatever it is, it’s coming – simply because the couple is not actively working to prevent it.

It really is that simple.

Steps to building marital trust.

1 Confess and repent.

You’ve got to start over, to clean the slate and begin again.

That process starts with confession of what you’ve done wrong (lack of openness?) and turning toward what you know is right (honesty and transparency in all things).

Read this blog post together.
Let it spark an open discussion.
Assess where you are and repent together.
Ask God for His help and wisdom as you chart a new course.

2 Make a newfound commitment to openness.

Talk about why you haven’t been entirely honest with each other up to this point in your marriage. Be honest 😉

Is it because of…

Insecurity?
Fear?
Bitterness?
Resentment?
Habit?
Laziness?
Busy-ness?
Foolishness?
A combination of these?

Each of you may have different reasons that have combined to make things what they are.

Commit together that things are going to change and that your marriage is going to become healthier as a result.

If you don’t begin thinking in that direction together, who will?

3 Be intentional about your decision.

If you don’t determine a course of action, you’ll naturally drift back into the habits of non-communication you have been stuck in.

Plan your time together. I recommend daily.

You need to regularly know the pulse of each other’s souls in order to live as “one.”

You need to feel confident that there’s nothing hidden in your partner’s heart.

THAT is what loving accountability is… the comfort of knowing that someone who loves you knows everything – and will help you stay on track.

Grab a tool to help you get started. A study or book that provokes conversation is a good place to begin.

4 Fight to build the new habit.

Commitments and good intentions are great but they don’t last very long.

You’re going to hit a point where you are tugged back into the rut you’ve been in.

It’s at that point that you have to kill the things that threaten your commitment.

It will be hard.

You will have to fight.

But it’s worth it.

And with God’s help you will begin to see marital trust rise to new levels.

That’s my prayer for you. That’s what I know the LORD Himself desires for you.

What is the first step you need to take in order to address this issue – right now? Go do it.

Categories : Marriage

Tags : couples, honesty, marital trust, marriage, openness, partner, rebuild trust, spouse, transparency, trust in marriage, trust my spouse

After you discover her affair…

Posted by Carey

· Friday, December 4th, 2015

Every marriage that breaks down is different.

But there are similarities that I’ve learned to look for that indicate whether a couple is truly ready to do the hard work necessary to repair a broken marriage.

What are those things?

Brokenness
Humility
Ownership of their issues
Willingness to repent
Sorrow

I don’t honestly know why I feel I should share this, but I do. Maybe there is someone who will read it who needs to hear something I’m about to write, I don’t know.

What I’m about to relay is the beginning of an interaction I’ve had with a man who contacted me about the possibility of he and his wife engaging in one of our intensive counseling sessions.

I trust there’s something here to help you, to bless you, to encourage you to do the hard work your marriage needs.

Joe (not his real name) discovered that his wife was engaged in what he called an “emotional affair.”

Thankfully, he quickly saw the part he had played in driving her to that place:

inattention
working too much
money and success had become his gods
meanness toward her
harshness toward their 7 year old son

When Joe contacted me everything had already come out.

He and his wife had each been crying constantly for days. They had attended church together the previous Sunday and had cried for most of the service. The church leadership came alongside to make recommendations of counselors to see.

Joe contacted me after the idea of an intensive counseling weekend came to his mind.

A quick Google search later and we were connected.

From everything I heard from Joe as we interacted via email, he and his wife both sounded like they were in a good place to receive help.

Joe emailed me as they worked through our application process… giving me an update on their situation. Here is the reply I sent back…

We are praying. Trusting the LORD to do all that is needed for both of you in His perfect timing. I’m encouraged by the progress I see already.

Continue loving your wife well my brother. You will need to persistently take the lead in love. Her full repentance will flow out of the evidence she sees of yours.

And instead of focusing on forgiveness of the man in question, focus on entrusting him, and the wrong he’s done, to God. God will deal with him exactly as he deserves, either through discipline if he remains unrepentant, or through grace if he turns to Christ. Either way, God’s justice will be done. You can rest easy knowing that as you continue to work out your own repentance. That is your only concern right now… the log in your own eye.

Trusting God with those who have hurt you is a difficult thing.

Especially when it’s your spouse – and someone else they turned to in place of you.

The instinct is to retaliate, to make them pay, maybe even seek revenge on the “other man.”

But healing will never come as long as you stay in that place.

Joe had it right. He knew that he had as much to do with his wife’s affair as she did. I’m not saying it’s his fault. I’m saying that affairs don’t happen out of the blue.

There are many, many things that pile up over the years that contribute to the final inner pain that pushes a spouse over that line, in most cases.

Joe listed plenty of them in his own life, and every one was right on the mark.

If you want to start moving toward healing, you’ve got to let go of the pain and your right to see somebody pay.

That’s the only way you can see clearly to deal with your own sin and junk. Just listen to Jesus’ words…

Why do you see the speck that is in your brother’s eye, but do not notice the log that is in your own eye? Or how can you say to your brother, ‘Let me take the speck out of your eye,’ when there is the log in your own eye? You hypocrite, first take the log out of your own eye, and then you will see clearly to take the speck out of your brother’s eye. – Matthew 7:3-5

Your marriage can’t heal with that log in your eye.

Do you see the hilarious picture Jesus paints (who said Jesus isn’t funny?)?

Here’s somebody with a stinkin’ log in his eye. It’s a hazard to anyone who comes near. Everytime he turns his head, he whacks somebody with it. And he’s concerned about a tiny little speck in another person’s eye. If he doesn’t get rid of that log, he’s going to knock them out, not help them.

A broken marriage is an ideal time to deal with logs. It’s one of those times in life when the tenderness of your wounds makes you aware of all kinds of other things… especially the things that caused the wounds. Dealing with the log is accepting that you had a part to play, even if the other person is “to blame.”

Get humble.

Get broken.

Work on addressing that log.

Then you’re ready for God to do something marvelous.

Categories : Marriage

Sex is not about pleasure

Posted by Carey

· Wednesday, July 29th, 2015

When you think of sex, it’s natural to think of pleasure. The tabloid’s obviously do…

“How to drive him crazy in Bed.”

“10 tips for amazing sex.”

The goal is clearly the maximization of pleasure. If we learn the right approach, technique, or attitude the amount of pleasure we get from sex will be unbelievable.

But the belief that sex is about pleasure is a false belief.

And Christians have bought into it just like everyone else.

I’ve heard the belief loud and clear in counseling sessions with Christian couples.

His sexual desires are not being met.
She doesn’t feel comfortable with things in their sexual life.
He wants her to try something new – and he’s upset because she’s hesitant.
She simply doesn’t enjoy sex.

All of those may be problems of a sort that need to be worked through. But at the foundation of those struggles is the belief that sex is about pleasure.

So, I want to say it again…

[tweetthis]Sex is not about pleasure. If you “get” that, you’ll improve your sex life, guaranteed.[/tweetthis]

If sex is not about pleasure, what IS it about? Beyond the obvious result of procreation, sex is about two things…

1 Expressing love

2 Service

That’s it.

The “sex is about pleasure” belief promotes sex as a mechanical act for the sake of personal enjoyment.

When sex is approached in that way it’s purely self-serving.

There’s no love in it. There’s no sense of service.

It’s more like what you see on Animal Planet, a physical act driven by a primal instinct, and nothing more.

[tweetthis]As human beings, God intended sex to be more than animal instinct – because we are more than animals.[/tweetthis]

We are made in the image of God.

Though there’s much debate about what it means to be made in God’s image, it means at least this:

The soulish part of us (mind, will, emotion) is somehow like Him. Because of that, there is more involved in human sexuality than simply a physical act.

In “becoming one” through sex (a euphemism used by the scriptures) all of us is involved.

We are to be intentional about sex, expressing love on purpose, serving our spouse thoughtfully through pleasing them in a physical way.

The expression of love and service through sex means a lot of things:

Sex is about love and service, going both ways.

If they don’t like it, you don’t push it. No matter what it is. Period.

There is probably need to talk through these kinds of issues to gain a clearer understanding of each other.
In doing so, you might discover that your spouse is uncomfortable because there’s something morally questionable about the practice you’re considering.
You may find that your desire for that practice is rooted more in your past life of sin than in your present life as a Saint.
You may uncover abuses or insecurities from the past that need to be worked through and healed.
And you will surely discover things involved in the sex act, from your spouse’s perspective, that will enable you to love and serve him/her better.

If your partner is uncomfortable with something, you back off until they are comfortable. Even if they never are.

Love and service demand that your care for your partner should outweigh your desire for a particular sexual practice.
Love is patient and kind (1 Corinthians 3:4). Never forget that when speaking to your partner about sexual desires and issues.
Pushing someone into something they are uncomfortable with is inconsiderate at best. At worst, it’s akin to rape.
Your spouse’s well-being should be among your highest priorities. Your attitude about sexual things/practices should reflect that.

Sexual love in marriage is to be spouse-centric, not you-centric.

Learn what your partner needs from the sex act and aim toward meeting that need. It’s not always going to be physical in nature.
If your partner expresses a desire for a sexual experience with you you’ve not considered, prayerfully consider it in light of scripture.
If you know your spouse enjoys a particular thing during sex, consider how you can bless/love them by doing it for them.
Think about sex from your partner’s perspective and seek ways to be a blessing to him/her sexually. (Good conversations will reveal their perspective).

And I’m sure there’s a lot more…

But the point is this:

If both spouses are approaching their sexual life together with love/service attitudes, both of them will be blessed and their sexual life will grow into maturity over time.

I know there are seeming contradictions in those things…

The tension between what you are comfortable with and what your spouse may desire.
The sexual desires you have that may, at least for now, be at odds with what is most loving to your spouse.
The ability to lovingly supply a sexual blessing to your spouse when that very act is difficult for you.

Those are very real tensions, not easily dealt with. What do you do with them?

You work to grow in spiritual maturity.
You learn to walk by the Spirit and be a conduit for His fruit (Galatians 5:22-23).
You humble yourself under the mighty hand of God, and trust Him to lift you up in due time (1 Peter 5:6).

[tweetthis]Wisdom in sexual things requires maturity, & maturity doesn’t come easy or fast.[/tweetthis]

But you can get started.

I’d love to hear your thoughts on this issue.

What have your struggles been?

How have you navigated these tensions between desire and consideration?

Leave your comments below.

Categories : Marriage

The legalization of gay marriage – what it means for Christian parents [EPICLY LONG POST]

Posted by Carey

· Wednesday, July 8th, 2015

There is no way I expect this post to completely cover the topic of gay marriage and the impact it has on Christian parenting.

I hope you’re not expecting that.

What I am hoping is that my comments here can open up a very candid conversation between you and me and the LORD.

It’s a conversation between CHRISTIAN PEOPLE. Please understand that. I’m speaking to fellow Christ-followers here.

[tweetthis]How does the #gaymarriage decision impact #Christianparenting? Do you even know?[/tweetthis]

In this post I want to challenge you as a Christian parent: Take the time to deeply consider how the recent SCOTUS ruling regarding gay marriage impacts the future – and the way you need to go about parenting in light of that fast-approaching future.

What I’ve found in over 40 years as a Christ-follower…

Is that we Christians can be a bit simplistic at times.

Granted, we have the simple truth of the gospel, a truth that enables us to blow away all the chaff and see what’s really important. That’s a very good thing indeed.

But I want to use this gay marriage ruling as an example of how we Christians can be TOO simplistic in the way we approach cultural issues.

Our tendency is to say (to ourselves and others)…

God said homosexuality and gay marriage are wrong, so that settles it.

There are a handful of problems when we take such a simplistic approach to the gay marriage issue:

1We live in a culture where such a statement, though true, does not settle the issue. The recent Supreme Court ruling is proof of that sad fact. Those being led astray by this and other ungodly beliefs, push and push to get their “relaxed” version of morality imposed on the rest of the society. In this case, they have succeeded with this recent ruling on gay marriage.

Our “God said it, that settles it” mindset will not help us deal with that fact in any way that helps the culture or improves the situation. If anything, it will tend to make us combative when we should be compassionate.

2In the months and years to come society as a whole will come to see homosexuality and gay marriage as a “normal” thing, because it’s been legitimized by the law of the land. Think through what that means for the days ahead. It will soon be commonplace to see two men or two women walking hand in hand, kissing in public, acting as if they are a legitimate couple – and society as a whole will accept that they are.

A “God said it, that settles it” attitude does not equip us in any way to deal with that reality. If we remain there, we’ll live in the coming world with scorn in our eyes and contempt etched on our brows. And “those people” (homosexuals) will see it, and feel very justified in their demonization of us, our Savior, and our faith.

3The “God said it, that settles it” attitude makes us think we have the issue settled and there’s nothing more to say about the matter. While we may have it settled in terms of personal conviction, it’s not at all settled in terms of practical action based on that conviction.

How are we to live in light of God’s truth and in light of the fact that we rub shoulders every day with people who blatantly reject His truth in such an obvious, public way? How are we to parent our children in light of the fact that our children will grow up in this “new world” where evil is called good, and good is called evil?

Do you see what I mean? The gay marriage issue has complicated implications that our simplistic approach is not equipped to address.

As you can tell from the title of this post, it’s the last line of point #3 where I want to focus our attention, because one of the most important responsibilities we have been given as Christ-followers is the responsibility to raise up the next generation to fear the LORD and obey His word.

And that doesn’t happen by sending them to Awanas and Sunday School and Youth Group (though those are great things to do). It happens when parents take their role seriously enough that they are willing to spend the time to build Christ-centered relationships with their children – relationships strong enough to support the burden of weighty, significant, life-giving conversations about life-in-Christ and the culture we live in.

It’s called “Godly parenting.”

Or you could call it “discipleship.”

And it’s your highest priority as a parent.

So that leaves us with a few questions to ponder in light of the gay marriage issue we’re facing

Are you aware of the fact that this gay marriage ruling MUST be addressed in your parenting?

Your kids NEED your intervention, your wise counsel, your guidance in order to know what this ruling means for them as a Christ-follower. You can’t assume they will naturally get it. You can’t assume they’ll figure it out. They won’t.
[tweetthis]UR #Christian kids will live in a world where same-gender sex is normal. Have U prepared them?[/tweetthis]

It’s your responsibility to guide your kids through the thinking process, building Godly maturity into them through how you teach them to think about this issue. You’ve got to demonstrate, and talk about, and teach how to respond to such culture-changing events.

The gay marriage issue is exactly the kind of situation where you must act for the sake of raising kids who are steadfast in godly convictions in the face of a quickly-changing world.

What are the possible outcomes if you don’t address the gay marriage issue with your children on an ongoing basis?

Think this one through.

Don’t leave your kids adrift in the hurricane of cultural change.

If you don’t take the initiative to begin consistently addressing this kind of cultural development, your children will grow up IN that culture without any significant godly direction. They will be like a ship adrift in a hurricane. The natural result is that they will be pushed wherever the cultural storm takes them.

As a result, your children will likely come to accept gay marriage as “good” just like the world they live in. At the very least they will see gay marriage as “not quite as bad as all that.” As a result, they will hold God’s word in less regard than they should.

That will have massive impact on the entire spectrum of their lives. Don’t underestimate the significance of this point.

How will you prepare your children to think and act as the light of Christ in an increasingly dark world?

The HOW is often the hardest part because it varies depending on the child, their maturity, their age, and the situations your family is exposed to.

But you can count on one thing: by the time your children are grown, gay marriage WILL be the norm and they WILL have to contend with it.

As parent, you have to do something to prepare them for that future.

Following are my suggestions for a handful of situations. Like I said at the beginning, there’s no way I can address every aspect of this issue.

For Babies and Toddlers

You may be quite surprised that I’m actually bringing up the baby and toddler stage related to an issue like gay marriage. After all, children at this stage aren’t even aware of issues like sexuality.

But that doesn’t mean that there aren’t foundational steps that can be taken to move toward the time of life when they WILL be aware of those issues.

Here are my thoughts on what you can and should do with children at this stage:

Pray over them – that God will protect them from the deception of the gay and lesbian mindset. Ask God to preserve them as His own in a culture that is growing increasingly dark.
Utilize scripture-based music – there are many, many resources available for this. Make use of them. Begin engraining God’s truth on their pliable minds and open hearts by singing to them, learning the songs together, and playing the music when they go down for naps or bedtime.
Speak often of Jesus’ love for them – Begin building a personal concept of Jesus into their young souls. Teach them that it is natural for Jesus to love them deeply and that following His ways is the best thing they can do.
Encourage biblical gender roles indirectly through good examples – Use a same-gender parent or relative as an example to help set gender expectations in your child’s heart and mind: “Daddy likes to work in the garage because he’s a boy, like you. You’re like Daddy.”
Give gender-appropriate gifts to your children – Some of you may think I’m going off the ultra-conservative fundamental deep-end on this one, but that’s OK. Desperate times call for desperate measures. In my thinking we should intentionally buy “gender enhancing” toys for our children – blocks and trucks and balls for boys, baby-dolls, princess dresses, tea party sets, etc. for girls. I’m not saying that children can’t or shouldn’t play with what we think of as “opposite gender toys,” I’m just saying that as a parent you should do your part to help your children act out the proper roles the LORD has given them AS male or female.
Build a relationship of trust with them – This is truly the foundational piece of every stage of parenting. When your children are young they naturally trust you, depend on you, and look to you for everything. God intends parents to take full advantage of that fact (He built us that way). As much as you are able, demonstrate to your children that you are trustworthy, reliable, loving, and FOR them. Give them no reason to mistrust you so that they will see you as being “in their corner” for the long haul. It begins at this baby/toddler stage of life.

Early elementary and Elementary age children

Everything I mentioned in the previous category applies here as well. You should KEEP ON DOING THOSE THINGS.

You’re involved in an ongoing process of belief-building and character-shaping that requires repetition over years.

And don’t make the mistake of thinking any of this is a “check the boxes and it’s done” solution. You’ll be disappointed and your kids won’t be well served.

As you move into the elementary years your children are much more communicative, can grasp more complex concepts, and are able to interact through questions, etc. This is where you begin verbally addressing issues like gay marriage, keeping it on their level.

The following points should help you sort out what I mean…

Speak about your marriage / relationships in biblical, godly terms – Say things like, “I love Daddy so much! God wants mommies and daddies to love each other like He loves us. ” In doing that you’re painting the biblical image of the purpose of marriage for your children.
Take the initiative to define marriage for your children in biblical terms – To your child: “Did you know that God wants men to marry women and women to marry men? That’s what He told us in the Bible. When we obey what God says, our lives will be happier and He will be happy with us.”
When you see a cultural departure from biblical marriage, address it openly – Don’t become timid at this point. Be bold to call wrong, “wrong” and right, “right.” Your children need that clarity, especially as the culture begins to encourage the opposite. For example: “Do you see those men over there, the ones holding hands at that table? What do you think God thinks about what they’re doing?” Let the child answer. “The Bible tells us that God doesn’t like men to try to marry men or women to try to marry women. It’s sad that people do things God doesn’t like, isn’t it? We should pray for those men and people like them, that they will learn to obey what God wants.” That last part is to help your child maintain a sense of humility and compassion instead of developing a spirit of criticism. You could also add comments like, “Do you ever do things God doesn’t like? I do. I’m thankful God can help us obey Him, just like He can help those men to obey Him.”
If the gay marriage issue touches your circle of friends or family, address it – It will happen. I guarantee it. What will you do then? Speak to it very similarly to the bullet point above, clearly guiding your kids to think of the issue as God does but maintaining an attitude of compassion. Watch for a judgmental spirit growing in your children and address it with humility any time it appears.
Refer to gay couples in biblical terms, not cultural terms – Help your children understand that the culture’s ways and laws are not God’s ways and laws. Teach them how the culture will often say things are “OK” that God says are wrong. Never refer to a gay couple as “married.” Instead, explain that they think they are married because some bad laws allowed them to get a marriage license, but in God’s eyes they are not married. If there are gay couples in your family, do not refer to the relative’s gay partner as “aunt” or “uncle” or whatever. Use those circumstances as opportunities to clarify the issues with your children again.

Jr. High and High School age children

Again, everything in both sections above apply to this stage of development as well – only in age appropriate ways (music, conversations, etc.).

Don’t forget the relational foundation in all of this. It’s even more important when you reach this stage. The “teen” years are times where the natural tendencies of the sin-soaked human nature begin to come out in resistance to parental authority, disrespect, and outright rebellion. The relationship you build in the earlier years cannot be allowed to wane at this point. It’s hard, sometimes excruciating work, but work well worth doing for the sake of your child and their future.

Be a bold parent. Engage with your teens regularly.

Don’t let their resistance dictate what you do.

You are the parent and you know best (by God’s grace). Lead them in the way they should go.

By this time you should have already had “the talk” about sex and sexuality – In fact, it should become an ongoing topic of conversation that you’re comfortable speaking about together. Work toward that end.
Talk openly about the gay-related issues that are happening in society – Don’t be afraid to bring up the issue. Your kids are probably better connected than you (technologically speaking), so you can be sure they know about the issues happening in the world. Address them calmly, biblically, with a heart of compassion toward those involved. You’ll be demonstrating the heart of Christ toward people He loves deeply and your children will notice. Be sure to ask your kids what they are thinking about the issues around them. Listen for the signs that Christ has a firm grasp on their heart and mind so you can encourage it. Or listen for signs that they are straying into the “acceptance” mode the culture is promoting – and respond calmly but with God’s truth.
Ask about gay issues going on around your teens (school, work, etc.) – You can bet on the fact that your teens will know people who are gay; other teens in their classrooms, on their athletic teams, or in their work environments. Talk with them about those people, amplifying God’s heart of compassion toward them in spite of their sin. Help your kids see that they can make a difference in the lives of those gay kids through their love and bold but compassionate witness to God’s truth.
Monitor and talk about the media influences that are promoting the gay lifestyle (TV, music, etc.) – You know how influential media is – on you and on your children. Engage with your kids on that level. Get into their world and show interest in their musical and entertainment choices. Help them understand and biblically dissect the media they hear and see. Teach them how to apply God’s wisdom to those areas of life so they are in control of what influences them instead of being gullible sheep, led to the slaughter.

Adult children

It feels a bit awkward for me to address this area because at the point of this writing I’m just now getting into this stage. But I trust the wisdom of God to guide me as I have all along and I know He will not fail.

What I’ve discovered so far about this stage of parenting is that the relationship my wife and I have developed with our kids over the years is what makes ongoing “parenting” of adult children possible at all.

It doesn’t look the same as the years when they were still living at home, obviously, but the godly respect and care we’ve expressed for them over the years is now returning in the form of them seeking our counsel, and respecting us AS wise counsel they can depend on.

Here are my thoughts about this stage:

Continue the conversations – Don’t let the very appropriate concern to let your kids “spread their wings” as adults keep you from raising topics about these difficult cultural issues like gay marriage. If they are adults right now, they’re learning how to think about these issues right alongside you, so take advantage of that learning-mode and strike up the conversations. Maybe begin by sharing what you’ve been learning or thinking about the issue, then see where they are in their thinking.
Ask about their plans to teach the grandkids about these issues – Any parent can easily bring up an issue of concern in a gentle, careful way. “I’ve been thinking a lot about this ‘gay marriage’ stuff going on in our country. It’s going to have serious consequences for our world, the world your kids are going to be growing up in. What have you thought about how you need to guide them when it comes to that issue?” Enter in to the conversation that follows. Ask lots of questions. Use scripture to stimulate further thinking.
Keep praying – Through all these steps, lift your children (grown or not) to the throne of God. He is faithful and desires to have their hearts more than you desire for Him to to have their hearts. Pray, pray, pray – with confidence and peace, because God can be trusted even when it comes to world-shaking changes like the gay marriage decision.

What is your plan? How will you engage in proactive parenting relating to the gay marriage issue?

As I said at the beginning of this post, my hope is to open a very candid conversation about this issue, for all of our benefit.

Would you mind sharing your response in the comments below? I’d love to hear from you.

Categories : Parenting

Tags : gay marriage, homosexuality, SCOTUS, supreme court

Broken Together – the only way marriage works – Casting Crowns [video]

Posted by Carey

· Friday, June 5th, 2015

I love the message of Casting Crown’s new video “Broken Together”

In our media-saturated world seldom do I see a video that truly captures the hopes, struggles, pain, and humble reliance on God that are truly needed to make a Christ-centered, God-honoring marriage possible.

This one does a good job of it.

I love how it portrays the childhood dreams we humans have of male/female relationship, and how we truly are broken together as we walk alongside each other in that journey.

It takes two people – husband and wife – each submitting their own desires and needs to the good of the other. And that’s never easy.

Broken together is a perfect phrase, a perfect expression of what it really looks like to be married for the long haul in submission to God’s greater plans for us and the world.

The video reminds me of the many times I’ve hurt my dear wife – and the many struggles we’ve had to come to resolution and joy once again.

Watch “Broken Together” by Casting Crowns and leave your impressions in the comments below.

I’d love to hear how the video impacts you.

Categories : Marriage

Tags : broken together, casting crowns

How would you have me become a better father? – What one reader would ask God…

Posted by Carey

· Wednesday, May 27th, 2015

How to be a good father…

It’s not an easy question to answer.

A while back I asked readers of this blog to answer this question:

If you could get a direct answer from God about any question related to marriage, the family, and parenting – what would it be?

I got some very good responses.

One Dad asked,

“How would You have me become a better father?”

It’s a question worth asking.

I hesitate to answer FOR God on any question, but I feel pretty safe offering these thoughts because they come directly from His word:

First let me say that I don’t know the exact circumstances or spiritual condition of the man who asked, so this list will be general in nature.

And know this too: these points come from the heart of man who wants to be a good Dad too, and is still very much in process.

How God would have you be a better Dad:

Be humble – that means admitting your failures to your kids when needed and asking for their forgiveness
Be honest – Don’t hide your own insecurities and fears. Your kids need to know how to deal with their own and your example will serve them well.
Love God – It should go without saying but it doesn’t. Your kids need to know that your devotion to God is deeper than words.
Love their mom – Your kids will learn about marriage most from the example you set. Set an example of self-sacrifice for the sake of your bride.
Treat them as people, not slaves – Show them how to consider others by the way you consider and care for them.
Value their ideas and input – God will teach you through your children and build them up at the same time. Let Him.
Teach them God’s word – Do it in a way that shows that you honor what is being said. Give them examples of how you’ve applied it in your life. Teach them what its application looks like in their life.
Hold them accountable – If you set godly rules for your home, enforce them. Children become insecure when there are not consistent, loving boundaries.
Discipline them as needed – The scriptures say that you really hate your child if you don’t discipline them. They need it. Boundaries are the issue here, too.
Be kind – Harshness is one of the main ways to exasperate your child. Even when they are wrong or sinful, they need your kindness. You’re prone to sin, too. Don’t forget that.
Control your anger – The anger of God does not accomplish the plans of God. Take this seriously. If you have anger issues, get help. Now.

What would you add to the list? What scriptures can you cite to support your thoughts?

Categories : Parenting

Tags : better Dad, father, parenting

I love God, you love God – but not enough

Posted by Carey

· Thursday, May 21st, 2015

I love God. I really do.

In spite of how I fail.

And in spite of how passages like this make me feel…

I’m often the ornery one, truly loving God but not acting like it.

If anyone loves me, he will keep my word, and my Father will love him, and we will come to him and make our home with him. Whoever does not love me does not keep my words. And the word that you hear is not mine but the Father’s who sent me. – John 14:23-24

Jesus’ words make sense. Love must be translated into action if it is going to be real in the real world.

For God so loved, He gave... is our prime example of the very real need for action-love.

But that understanding doesn’t help me much when I’m down on myself for NOT keeping Jesus’ word.

His word is a HUGE standard to keep. A standard I really CAN’T keep.

[tweetthis hidden_hashtags=”#ilovegod”]So, I love God, but not enough.[/tweetthis]

Not enough to consistently obey Him.

Not enough to follow through on my good intentions.

Not enough to live out the perfection His holiness requires.

And that’s where it doesn’t matter if I love God – but whether He loves me

And He does.

I love God for hating what my sin is doing to me.

His love for me doesn’t ignore my sins and failings and inability. That would be unjust (and He cannot be unjust).

He looks directly at my sin, and hates it completely.

He hates that I don’t love Him, that I don’t obey Him, and that I don’t have it in me to do either one.

He hates my sin (in action and in being) because it offends His holiness.

He hates it because it has twisted me into a hideous representation of what He first created, a perversion, a grotesque exaggeration that obscures His image in me.

[tweetthis hidden_hashtags=”#ilovegod”]God’s hate fuels His love. The result is redemption.[/tweetthis]

Mine and yours… if we will receive it.

THAT is love. God’s love.

It’s the love that we need to revisit daily to remind us Who has redeemed us.

It’s the love we need to marinate in regularly to restore and regain the idea of what we were originally intended to be.

It’s the love that can heal our insecurities, remove our soul-sickness, and restore us into vessels that carry His image to the world.

Then and only then I am able to say, “I love God,” and be confident that it’s true.

Because God Himself has made it true.

Do your children love God?

The question’s not so simple anymore, is it?

It’s not a matter of sentiment, or feeling, or good intentions, or naive childish imitation.

It’s not about Sunday school attendance or how many worship songs they can sing (in their oh-so-cute way).

It’s about redemption. Your children need redemption.

Unless their soul is transformed by the power of God’s redemption, they will become self-deluded by their church attendance and memorized Bible verses.

How do you lead them there?

1. Through your example of genuine, redemption-fueled love for God.

2. Through regularly telling them your redemption story (I was blind but now I see).

3. Through consistently teaching them about God’s great love for them.

That’s it.

Anything beyond that is God’s turf.

[tweetthis hidden_hashtags=”#ilovegod”]You lead your kids TO redemption and prayerfully wait for God to open their eyes to it.[/tweetthis]

God can be trusted to care for our little ones, far beyond what we can do!

God can be trusted with your precious ones.

He is full of compassion and mercy.

He hates their sin.

He hates what it’s doing to them.

He will do what is good – in every case.

Categories : Parenting

child-discipline-is-raising-their-sights

Child discipline = raising their sights

Posted by Carey

· Monday, May 11th, 2015

Child discipline wasn’t something I appreciated when I was a child

But I knew it had to be done.

Once, my Dad had told me I was going to get a spanking and then seemed to forget about it.

My young soul was tormented. When was I going to get it?

Days passed and I was in agony.

[tweetthis hidden_hashtags=”#childdiscipline #parenting”]Finally I went to my Dad and asked him for the spanking he’d promised.[/tweetthis]

He was befuddled and told me that I didn’t need it anymore.

My older brother told me I was stupid.

Maybe I was, but I couldn’t stand knowing that I was to receive discipline but not knowing when.

Now that I’m a Dad 5 times over, child discipline looks very different

And the difference is more than being on the other side of the spanking.

The discipline I apply for the sake of my children has a mindset behind it, a philosophy of sorts.

Child discipline is not about punishment.

It’s not about whether my kids were “bad” or “good.”

It’s especially not about my anger being expressed.

[tweetthis hidden_hashtags=”#childdiscipline #parenting”]Child discipline is about raising my child’s sights. [/tweetthis]

I want the discipline I apply to my children to help them examine themselves.

To help them see that they are falling below what they are capable of and what God desires for them.

I want to raise their sights to something better, something greater, something more fulfilling for them and of greater value to the world.

Raising our children’s sights is part of every parent’s job.

We’ve got to help our children see that they are more than their sin.

And that they are no longer enslaved to their failures because of the gift of Jesus.

Loving discipline raises our children’s sights in powerful ways

It points out the gravity and danger of sin.
It shows that the child is not the center of the universe.
It demonstrates that we, the ones who love them the most, are willing to take drastic steps to help them move away from disobedience.
It reveals that behind the discipline is the loving heart of their heavenly father.

He cares about them so much that He gave them parents to guide them, to teach them, to enforce the boundaries when needed.

He has given them parents to help them raise their sights from the childish, inconsequential things to eternal things.

And He has given their parents the authority to wisely discipline them for the sake of those things.

Discipline is often the missing piece of parenting

It’s sad to me every time I see it… and it seems I’m seeing it more and more.

In stores, restaurants, on sports fields, and even in church services.

A parent too merciful, too timid, too compassionate for their child’s good.

They won’t correct out of fear of being too mean.

They’ve bought the lie that firmness with their child is inappropriate.

They don’t understand that the discipline they fear to employ is the very thing their rebellious, self-absorbed child needs.

The willing disregard of child discipline is tragic, for the parents and for the child, because every child – every person for that matter – needs boundaries.

[tweetthis]Boundaries tell us we’re safe. Boundaries tell us we’re loved. God gives boundaries. So do good parents.[/tweetthis]

But discipline with good boundaries isn’t enough. The boundaries have to be enforced.

You’ll never hear me advocating abuse, though my stance on spanking has been called that in the past.

What I advocate is (in this order):

Parents who are radically in love with Jesus…
building healthy, open relationships with their children…
and teaching them to love Him and His ways…
employing a loving hand of discipline when needed…
and following up with loving kindness and further instruction as appropriate.

There’s no abuse in that. Anywhere.

It’s a demonstration of the parent’s belief that God gives wise counsel when He tells us how to discipline our children.

They trust Him to know what He’s talking about, so they apply His instruction.

They do it in love.

They do it with compassion.

They do it consistently.

But most of all, they do it.

Whoever spares the rod hates his son, but he who loves him is diligent to discipline him. – Proverbs 13:24

Why would God say that you hate your son (or daughter) if you refuse to discipline him when he needs it?

Because you are NOT raising his sights.

You’re allowing him to learn and therefore believe that:

He isn’t capable of better
His foolish behavior and thinking is OK
You don’t care enough about him to help him curb his foolishness

That’s pretty strong language. And it’s God’s language.

[tweetthis hidden_hashtags=”#parenting #childdiscipline”]Disciplining your children is not abusive. It’s not mean. It’s raising their sights.[/tweetthis]

Categories : Parenting

10 things I learned from my mom – by Melinda Green – Happy Mother’s Day

Posted by Carey

· Friday, May 8th, 2015

10 Things I’m so Thankful I Learned from My Mom

This is a post my oldest daughter wrote for the site a few years ago… and every Mother’s Day I have to pull it out again. It still brings tears to my eyes…

#1 The Truth of My Identity in Christ

Ever since I was little my mom has been teaching me about who I am because of Jesus and His work in me. I am a new creation.

No matter how I fall short and mess up I know that I am pure and holy because of Christ. Because of this knowledge I can live life confident in God and who He is making me to be.

When insecurities and doubts rise up to make life difficult, I can fight them and live according to the truth because I know the truth about who I am. I am in Christ and He is in me.

#2 Not to be Controlled by My Emotions

Emotions are powerful things, and it’s easy to live life and make decisions based on how we feel. Without even knowing it we let our feelings dictate our thoughts and actions.

As long as I can remember my mom has shown me the difference between living according to emotion and living according to reality and God’s truth. Because of this, I have learned over time how to push aside my emotions when they don’t line up with reality and strive to obey God, not only when I feel like it, but especially when I don’t.

#3 The Importance of Communication

Throughout my life I have seen the relationships in my family thrive. I realize that this would not be the case if God had not given my mom the wisdom to initiate good communication in our home.

The example she has set: talking about everything, always asking us kids how we feel about things, telling us if there is something bothering her or some way that we hurt her, asking us if there is something bothering us… those kinds of questions have enabled us to “keep the slate clean” between one another and learn to love each other on a deeper level.

[tweetthis hidden_hashtags=”#Christianfamily #Christianparenting”]This habit of communicating has enabled us to become unified as a family.[/tweetthis]

Now that I am an adult I see that there is no way to have a good relationship without open communication about EVERYTHING. I pray that I will one day be able to continue this legacy of good communication in my home and family.

#4 The Importance of Living an Organized Life

God has enabled my mom to live an orderly life and run an orderly home in reflection of who He is – an orderly God.

She has taught me how to live my life in the same way, keeping things simple and organized. This has enabled me to keep my life relatively stress free and peaceful.

I also believe that learning to live an organized life has enabled me honor God by being a good steward of the life He’s given me.

#5 To Strive for God’s Best in All of Life

My mom wants her life to be “more than fine.” She wants to live in obedience to God in every area of life and she can’t stand it when something in her life doesn’t measure up to God’s best.

Seeing her example in this area has really helped me fight my complacency in many areas of life, and to desire God’s best in order to be pleasing to Him.

#6 The Importance of Wisdom

[tweetthis hidden_hashtags=”#mothersday #Christianfamily”]My mom has taught me the value of wisdom in every area of life.[/tweetthis]

She has shown me the importance of asking God what He thinks about things and to live accordingly. She has encouraged me to read Proverbs and ask God for His wisdom daily.

I see God’s wisdom in her life everyday and desire to become more like her; the wisest person I know.

#7 The Value of a Personal Relationship with God

Ever since I was little my mom has encouraged me to spend time with God, reading my Bible, and praying. She has stressed that the most important thing in my life is my relationship with Him.

As I’ve grown, I’ve seen how this diligence to seek God has deepened my relationship with Him and has grown me to become more like Him.

I am so thankful for the example that my mom has been of seeking God diligently and putting her relationship of Him first in all of life.

#8 The Value of Being a Home-Maker

My mom is a stay-at-home-mom, a wife and mother, a home-maker. My whole life she has made a cozy, peaceful home for us to live in.

[tweetthis]Mom taken the time to teach her kids about God & life, and has never been too busy with work or other pursuits.[/tweetthis]

I have come to realize that her dedication to her home and family has been the main thing that has enabled our family to thrive.

Through her example I see that her job as wife and mother is crucial to the health of our family. Thanks to her I am excited to one day follow in her steps and be a home-maker in my own home.

#9 The Value of Being a “Helper”

When I say “helper”, I am referring to the wife’s role as “helper” to her husband.

My mom has taught me that the wife’s job in marriage is to be the “crown of her husband,” to help her husband grow and become all that God desires for him to be.

God has graciously enabled my mom to be a wonderful helper to my dad and I am excited to one day be the same for my future husband.

#10 The Importance of Fearing God

Last, but definitely not least, I would say that my mom has taught me to fear God and surrender my will to Him in all things.

I have seen my mom surrender her will to God’s will time and time again. She has suffered through much pain and hard times but she has always chosen to cling to God and obey Him.

Her fear of God, and her desire to glorify Him even when it causes her pain has enabled her to have a deeper, more meaningful relationship with God than many Christians experience.

Her life has shown me the benefits of fearing God above all else and I desire for my life to be characterized by the same humble attitude of fear and surrender.

Categories : Parenting

Tags : learned from my mom, mother's day, tribute to mom

Anchored to the family

Posted by Carey

· Wednesday, May 6th, 2015

The anchor to my Dad’s boat always fascinated me.

It was kind of heavy to a little kid like me, but it didn’t seem that big.

It wasn’t all THAT impressive.

But it could hold our boat relatively still in spite of wind and waves.

That was what fascinated me.

An anchor is a pretty functional and cool thing.

Your family can be an anchor to your kids

The way you teach them.

The way you love them.

The way you pray with them.

The degree to which you are open, honest, and instructive about the way the world works… and how God thinks about it.

The godly wisdom you faithfully impart to them as they grow up in your home.

All those things and thousands more can make your home a place where your children feel anchored, secure, safe.

That kind of anchoring is healthy for kids as they grow up in a volatile, sinful world

It gives them a safe place to try out new things, get feedback, and grow.

It provides a context in which they can learn about themselves without fear of condemnation or ridicule.

[tweetthis hidden_hashtags=”#parenting #christianparenting”]It demonstrates to our kids that God is their true anchor.[/tweetthis]

That He’ll never leave them or forsake them, that their soul is permanently anchored in Him.

That’s a security every child needs and every good parent wants to provide.

It’s my prayer that you’re doing your utmost to provide that kind of environment in your family.

But there comes a time when a child shouldn’t be anchored to their home

The “rock star” photo with their little sis and crazy cousin!

When is that?

It’s the season I find myself in right now.

I’ve got two grown daughters – one almost 19, the other 21. They’re headed out into life.

Maybe for the final time.

They’ll be working at different camps for the summer. One of them already has plans for school after that. The other has already been on a trip across the world (Zambia).

It’s an exciting time. But also a scary time (for them and for us).

The temptation for them could be to stay anchored to our home. After all, it’s been one of their main sources of security for most of their life.

That would be natural and healthy if they were 5, or 8, or 15 years old.

But they’re not.

They’re adults and need to go out and face the life God has planned for them.

The don’t need to be anchored at home anymore. They need to pick up the anchor we’ve given them and take it with them.

It’s that anchor of Godly wisdom.

Their own faith, genuine and real.

The security that comes from the truth, rightly taught and applied to their lives, over years of their growing up in our home.

[tweetthis hidden_hashtags=”#christianparenting #parenting”]I’m seeing that the real anchor for my kids is not our home.[/tweetthis]

It’s the relationship with Jesus they’ve developed while they lived in our home.

Now it’s time for a new chapter.

It’s time for them to be “shot from the bow” – sent out into the world.

It’s a beautiful thing. And I’m happy for it.

Categories : Parenting

You’ve changed: Navigating the seasons of marriage [blog]

Posted by Carey

· Wednesday, April 22nd, 2015

“You’ve changed!”

“What happened to the man (woman) I married?”

Such phrases are often thrown out as accusations, as if the act of getting married cements personality, habits, and preferences in place, never to change again.

But that’s not how it is, is it?

It sounds stupid now, but when I first married, I didn’t expect my wife to change…

I misunderstood my wife a lot when we were first married. So I worked hard to understand her… a good thing, but there was something I didn’t expect… once I “understood” her, she’d change!

No, I wasn’t a moron, just naive and inexperienced.

Here’s how it worked…

I’d do my best to understand her and her preferences about a given thing or situation (a good thing).

Once I understood I’d make a quick note, mentally and sometimes physically. Then I’d treat her according to what I finally understood. I’d be careful. I’d work hard at it. I wanted to remember. I wanted to live with her in an understanding way (1 Peter 3:7). I wanted to nail it down so that I’d never, ever hurt her again because I didn’t understand her.

Then it happened. My carefully crafted understanding of my wife turned out to be wrong… and it wasn’t because I had misunderstood.

You’ve changed! 🙁

The first time my carefully devised plan of understand collapsed, I was dumbfounded. I couldn’t figure out what had gone wrong.

I’d worked hard to understand her.
I’d asked LOTS of questions and she gave me honest answers.
I’d figured it out.
I didn’t miss anything.

What went wrong?

Nothing went wrong. My wife had changed.

Growth and change bring certain challenges

Everyone changes. That’s because everyone grows… or at least should be growing.

My spouse is no different and neither is yours.

Don’t let the changing seasons of marriage drive you to resentment…

I often refer to the changes as “seasons.” One will last for a while, then another slowly overtakes it.

My tendency is to think that the first “season” is the way things should be, that things will stay that way indefinitely.

But that’s not the way life is, is it?

The circumstances of life bring change, and changing circumstances force us to change.

We have to navigate the crisis, disappointments, and hurts life brings our way. We have to learn how to endure, to understand, and overcome.

That forces us to grow. It forces us to change long-held beliefs and preferences. It pushes us to become more flexible, more understanding, and hopefully, wiser.

And if we won’t grow, we become entrenched in attempts to control our world. That only leads us to become ingrown and dysfunctional.

Changes are especially difficult to manage in marriage

But I’m glad for them, all the same. Why?

Because they force my wife and I together. They force us to keep working to understand each other. They force us to communicate and endure, together.

Those are the things that make a good marriage, they are the “weights” we have to lift in order to for our relationship to become stronger.

And best of all, God is sovereign over the whole process.

We can trust Him to guide us each step, to provide what we need to take the right steps, and to empower us to love and understand our spouses as we should.

Your spouse has changed… how have you handled it?

How have you weathered the changes in your spouse and in your marriage? If you need help – reach out for it!

How have you navigated the changes of life? Have you done it together, as a couple committed to remaining unified and close to each other?

How have you handled the reality of a changing spouse?

Has resentment built in your heart? Have you found yourself getting frustrated with the “inconsistency” of your spouse?

Have you demanded that your spouse extend grace to you but have been unwilling to do the same for them?

Remember, you’re on the same team. You’re “one” (Mark 10:8).

You are meant to draw strength from each other, to lean on each other, to support one another through the seasons of life.

How are you doing with that? Do you need help getting back to that place?

God is here, to help you in the changes of life. Let Him.

You’ve changed! Yes, I have. And I’m glad. 🙂

Categories : Marriage

Praying parents that rock their kids’ world

Posted by Carey

· Tuesday, April 14th, 2015

Prayers offered up by parents are not magical mantras

They are heart-felt, scriptural cries to our God, who cares for our children more than we do.

When I first became a parent, I didn’t know how to pray for my kids. What should I say? What do they really need? What words should I use?

But I discovered… it’s not all that hard.

I just needed to relax, think about what God Himself wants for all of us, and ask Him for those things in the hearts and minds and lives of my kids.

That made it a lot simpler for the prayers of this parent to become more meaningful.

So how do I pray?

Nothing fancy.

In fact, my prayers for my kids have become shorter and more to the point the older they’ve gotten.

I think that’s partly because I remember my teens and twenties better than I do my childhood. And that’s where my kids are at now.

I remember the struggle with:

peer pressure
self identity
respectfulness
pride
insecurity
emotions, and more.

I’m able to enter in to their lives and the struggles they are having through my own memories…

and those memories inform and fuel my prayers.

Some examples of what I pray

The following prayers are straight from my morning journal… things I’ve written out as prayers on behalf of my kids.

The prayers of parents are so vital… don’t let busy-ness and responsibility keep you from that simple duty.

There’s nothing magical in them. Nothing super spiritual.

Just the caring heart of a Daddy asking his Daddy to care for his kids.

Protect and enrich Mel today. Give her joy. Give her Yourself. (Mel was in Zambia when I prayed this)

Caleb‘s right in the midst of those crazy teen years. Make him into a man whose heart is fully Yours. Captivate him by giving him a deep, full recognition of Your greatness and glory. Stir up tremendous desire for Yourself in him. Cause him to see Your wonders and to love all he sees.

Fill up our dear Faith with security from Your indwelling presence. Enable her to see more of You in her, and less of her. Give her joy, and peace, and deep, lasting confidence that sustains her. Replace “self” with You – entirely. (Faith is 11 years old)

Aaron and Hannah have their hands full with the responsibilities of young married life. Two boys under the age of two, and the financial and life-direction issues so typical of that time of life. LORD, give them wisdom. Give them You. Enable them to rest in You even in the midst of crying babies, inconsistent schedules, and insecure living arrangements. You are their security. Please be that for them.

Maddi is full of excitement about life and the future. Ground her in the reality of each present moment, that she will be rooted personally to You, the”I AM” of the now. (Maddi is 18 years old)

My prayers for my kids are nothing fancy

Just heart-felt… and aligned as well as I can manage with the things I know God wants for my kids.

What ways, mindsets, or methods have you found helpful as you’ve learned to pray for YOUR kids?

Categories : Parenting

Where have I been? OR “When life takes over”

Posted by Carey

· Friday, April 10th, 2015

You may have wondered where I have been…

or – maybe not.

So sorry I’ve been off the radar

Either way, the truth is that I’ve been off the radar for a long, Long, LONG time.

I left a podcast series unfinished, the blog vacant (hear the crickets chirping?), and the mailing list an orphan.

What happened?

It’s what happens when life takes over… when the best laid plans have to be set aside.

We all have the best of intentions in life. We want to do and be the very best for our families and others who depend on us (employers, friends, etc.).

But sometimes life rolls over you. It pushes circumstances and situations to the forefront that you’d rather relegate to the back burner.

But it won’t let you.

And in reality, it’s not life at all – but God. HE is the one who rolls over you in those times, pushing you, stretching you, trying your faith (so that you can be assured it’s real and strong and vibrant after all).

The heart of man plans his way, but the Lord establishes his steps. – Proverbs 16:19

The transition from church ministry to self-employment hit a wall.

I had to make some hard choices…

Choices between what I want to do most (this blog and ministry, among other things) – and what I need to do most (provide for the family).

And I’ve learned quite a few things in the process. Among them are these…

The things I want to accomplish are not nearly as important as I think they are (typically).
God’s given me exactly the amount of time I need to get done what truly needs to be done.
My family truly IS a bigger priority to me than anything else.
The LORD is ULTIMATELY faithful. You could say it’s His middle name.

So, though I hope that this short blog post is the first of a long string of consistency, I think I’ve learned to say “maybe” instead of “yes” to things like that.

God’s the one in charge – of my life, this ministry, and everything that comes of them.

I’m content with that.

I’d love to hear your thoughts on these ideas in the comments below. And while you’re there – how could I pray for you?

Categories : General Announcements

Tags : busyness, discipleship, life, stress, the lord directs his steps

This Christmas, I give you Jesus [4-minute audio inspiration]

Posted by Carey

· Friday, December 19th, 2014

Christmas can be a hectic time.

But I don’t have to tell you that, do I?

Gifts to buy, cards to mail, parties to attend, decorating and baking to do… If we’re not careful, the celebration can outpace the meaning.

Here’s my 4-minute Christmas-time reset for you… a chance for you to:

Press the “play” button below
Close your eyes
Take a deep breath
Soak in the truth
Reconnect with the meaning behind the celebration.

I’d love to hear your feedback and thoughts on how this short audio has helped you this Christmas season.

I’d also love it if you shared it with someone else who could use a “reset” too.

Thanks friends. Enjoy the REASON for the celebration more than the celebration.

Music by Kevin MacLeod over at www.Incompetech.com

Categories : General Announcements, Spirit Health

Tags : christmas, family Christmas, holiday, Jesus is the reason, meaning of Christmas, this Christmas I give you Jesus

Radical Faith for Generations – the new podcast and format – coming tomorrow!

Posted by Carey

· Tuesday, October 21st, 2014

Radical faith for generations is my new mission – and the name of the all-new podcast.

I’m very excited to finally have my ducks in a row so that I can get the podcast revamped, rejuvenated, and ready to go for you starting tomorrow.

It’s an entirely different format… less preachy-preachy, more entertaining and thought provoking.

No video, but lots more music and sound effects.

My aim is to walk with you through the Biblical idea of what faith in a family is supposed to look like.

Through the course of the podcast episodes we’ll discover together what radical faith looks like, how we get it, and what parents can do to position their families in a way that make achieving it possible.

I’m happy to have it ready to go… and to present it to you tomorrow.

If you could pass it along, I’d love that and know that God would use your generosity. Please, let other people know about the new podcast…

Radical Faith for Generations.

Thanks!

Categories : General Announcements

Tags : Christian podcast, family podcast, generational faith, new podcast, radical faith for generations

Say it to him

Posted by Carey

· Friday, October 10th, 2014

Your husband needs you to say it to him.

Don’t assume he knows.

Never assume.

Make sure that the things you value about him are spoken… clearly and often.

When you say it, you will help him beyond what you can imagine.

As a man, he’s got deep seated insecurities about himself. He wonders if he’s man enough, strong enough, capable enough. You may think he doesn’t struggle with that kind of stuff, but that’s just because he’s snowed you, and possibly himself. The doubt and insecurities are there.

They’re why he gets angry and defensive so quickly. Why compassion is not one of his strong suits. It’s why he is so driven at work, play, and everything else.

He’s trying to prove himself: to you, to himself, and maybe to a parent (living or dead) or a critical teacher or coach from his past.

And the enemy assails him with lies about those things every day.

And YOU, his WIFE are the only one who can dispel those lies. You’re the only one who can help him know the truth about himself.

Your husband needs you to say it to him.

What is it he needs to hear you say?

Here’s a starter list, but you need to come up with a list of your own based on your experience together.

Ladies please, take this seriously.

You don’t know how much it could do for your husband, if you’d only say it to him.

I’d marry you all over again.

You make me happy.

I can’t get enough of you.

I want to spend more time with you.

You are handsome.

I never want to leave you.

You are all man.

Let’s plan a weekend getaway just for the two of us.

I long for more of you.

Your goals are important to me.

I love caring for you.

I want you to know how proud I am of you.

I’m in this with you.

I’m glad you’re the father of our children.

You make me feel like a woman.

After Christ, You are God’s greatest blessing to me.

I’m glad I married you.

What you think matters to me.

When can I have some alone time with you?

Do you know that I’d never trade you for anyone else?

I love your ___________________ (laugh, smile, face, eyes, etc.).

I value you more than anything.

You are a gift to me.

My heart is fully yours.

You don’t have to worry about me being faithful to you, because I am and always will be.

You satisfy me.

How are you doing, really?

I enjoy learning more about you.

I’m thankful for how you provide for the family.

I see Jesus in you in this way…

I never get tired of you.

Would you like to go on a date with me?

I missed you today.

Do you know how much I love you?

I’m so drawn to your manliness.

I’m glad we can walk through the difficulties of life together.

I love you more today than I did yesterday.

There’s no person more important to me than you.

I care about what is important to you.

I want to understand you more and more.

I love your heart.

Say it to him.

Wives, don’t just read this list and nod your head.

Don’t just think of it as a good idea.

Take action. Call him. Go to him.

Now.

Tell him how you really feel.

Say it to him.

Then… say it again. Every day.

Tell him over and over and over.

In time, he’ll come to believe it.

But he never will if you don’t say it to him.

What if you can’t say it to him?

This will sound harsh – but you need to repent.

You’ve allowed your eyes or mind or heart to be drawn away from the wonderful gift the LORD gave you.

I know there may be hurts that have caused it. I know he may deserve your rejection.

But I also know that you are called by God to love and respect Him (Ephesians 5:33). And I know that God has given you His Holy Spirit to enable you to do it. It’s important because that respect is part of what will enable him to overcome his insecurities and anger and pride.

That’s a calling of self-sacrifice, not self-defense. It’s a calling to be the most noble example of womanhood that exists; a self-giving, serve-him-when-he-doesn’t-deserve-it womanliness that our world hardly sees anymore.

You can do it because Jesus is in you. He desires to do it through you.

So repent and start making things right with your husband.

Apologize for your part in the pain. Tell him that you want more, that you want God’s best for your marriage.

And get help if you need it.

Don’t let pride or hurt or humiliation or fear keep you from acting.

Be woman of God and watch God to the work of restoration.

Here’s a love song that stirs my heart every time I hear it.

Imagine what your husband would feel if he knew that these were your feelings toward him.

Let it move you. Let it motivate you to love your husband well.

Then, go say what you need to say.

This song is from Jenny and Tyler. It’s called, “As Long as Our Hearts are Beating.”

Go to top

Categories : Family Foundations, Marriage

Tags : marriage healing, marriage hurts, say it to him

Say it to her

Posted by Carey

· Monday, September 29th, 2014

Your wife needs you to say it to her.

Don’t assume she knows.

Never assume.

Make sure that the things you value about her are spoken… clearly and often.

When you say it, you will help her beyond what you can imagine.

She’s got deep seated insecurities about herself as a woman. She wonders if she’s woman enough, pretty enough, satisfying enough…

And the enemy assails her with lies about those things every day.

And YOU, her HUSBAND are the only one who can dispel those lies. You’re the only one who can help her know the truth about herself.

Your wife needs you to say it to her.

What is it she needs to hear you say?

Here’s a starter list, but you need to come up with one of your own based on your experience together, based on what is true of your wife and your knowledge of her.

Guys, take this seriously.

You don’t know how much it could do for your wife, if you’d only say it to her.

I’d marry you all over again.

You make me happy.

I can’t get enough of you.

I want to spend more time with you.

You are beautiful.

Divorce is never an option.

You are all woman.

Let’s plan a weekend getaway just for the two of us.

I long for more of you.

Your emotions are never a bother to me.

I love caring for you.

I’d give my life to save yours.

I’m in this with you.

I’m glad you’re the mother of my children.

You make me feel like a man.

After Christ, You are God’s greatest blessing to me.

I’m glad I married you.

What you feel matters to me.

I’ll never leave you.

When can I have some alone time with you?

You are enough.

Do you know that I’d never trade you for anyone else?

I love your ___________________ (laugh, smile, face, eyes, etc.).

I value you more than anything.

You are a gift to me.

My heart is fully yours.

You don’t have to worry about me being faithful to you, because I am and always will be.

You satisfy me.

How is your heart?

I enjoy learning more about you.

I’m proud of you.

I see Jesus in you in this way…

I never get tired of you.

Would you like to go on a date with me?

I missed you today.

Do you know how much I love you?

I’m captivated by you.

I’m glad we can walk through the difficulties of life together.

I love you more today than I did yesterday.

There’s no person more important to me than you.

I care about what you feel.

I want to understand you more and more.

I love your heart.

Say it to her

Husbands, don’t just read this list and nod your head.

Don’t just think of it as a good idea.

Take action. Call her. Go to her.

Now.

Tell her how you really feel.

Say it to her.

Then… say it again. Every day.

Tell her over and over and over.

In time, she’ll come to believe it.

But she never will if you don’t say it to her.

What if you can’t say it to her?

This will sound harsh – but you need to repent.

You’ve allowed your eyes or mind or heart to be drawn away from the wonderful gift the LORD gave you.

I know there may be hurts that have caused it. I know she may deserve your rejection.

But I also know that you are called by God to lover her like Jesus loves His church (Ephesians 5:25). And I know that God has given you His Holy Spirit to enable you to do it.

That’s a calling of self-sacrifice, not self-defense. It’s a calling to be the most noble example of manhood that exists; a self-giving, lay-down-your-life-for-her manliness that our world hardly sees anymore.

You can do it because Jesus is in you. He desires to do it through you.

So repent and start making things right with your wife.

Apologize for your part in the pain. Tell her that you want more, that you want God’s best for your marriage.

And get help if you need it.

Don’t let pride or hurt or humiliation or fear keep you from acting.

Be a man. Be a man of God and watch God to the work of restoration.

Here’s a love song that stirs my heart every time I hear it.

Listen to the devotion and depth of emotion in the voice of the man who sings this.

Imagine what he must feel for his dear wife.

And let it move you. Let it motivate you to love your wife well.

Then, go say what you need to say.

This song is from Jenny and Tyler. It’s called, “As Long as Our Hearts are Beating.”

Go to top

Categories : Family Foundations, Marriage

Tags : husbands love your wives, marriage healing, marriage hurts, say it to her

Clarity, Certainty, Confidence – life changing benefits of scripture

Posted by Carey

· Friday, September 26th, 2014

Life changing. It’s an over-used word in our day and age.

Everyone from business gurus to doctors are touting the “life changing” effects of their system, program, or method.

It’s enough to make you a skeptic for life.

But don’t go there just yet. There truly are some life changing things in the world, and scripture is one of them.

I want to quickly outline 3 things that come from a right knowledge of the scriptures that are truly life changing.

1 Clarity

Yes, there are parts of the Bible that are less than clear. I know that. I get that.

But overall, the Bible is God’s revelation to us about things we wouldn’t know otherwise.

Think that one through for a minute: God who knows everything has “revealed” things to us through the scriptures. That’s an incredible gift.

Sure, it takes the hard work we call “study” to truly understand it sometimes, but what do you expect when God-sized truths need to be understood by human-sized minds?

The scriptures are intended to provide “clarity” to us about things that are beyond us. Things like…

How to be made right with God.
What God thinks about us.
What God has done for us (way beyond our salvation).
How we are to live in the world (both in terms of proper behavior and in terms of what resources to use to do it).

I want clarity on those things. Do you?

If so, scripture is the only place you’ll find it.

2 Certainty

How many things in life are you truly certain of?

That your children will not rebel and go off the deep end?
That your spouse will remain faithful?
That your income is secure?
That your health is guaranteed?

But…

3 Confidence

There’s a progression happening here that you may not have noticed.

Clarity or understanding brings certainty. Certainty brings confidence.

When we are able to understand, know, and rely on what God has said to us, we can live in a way that baffles the world and brings great stability to us, no matter what challenges or obstacles may come our way.

That’s because we’re able to move out, proactively, into the storms and trials of life with an underlying peace that supports us through everything.

We don’t have to be timid.

We don’t have to be afraid.

We don’t have to wish upon a star, or rub a rabbit’s foot, or say any kind of mantra or magic spell.

We have confidence based on what the God of all the universe has said.

Let me say it another way…

Understanding + Trust = Active faith.

And it comes through time spent reading, studying, and internalizing God’s word.

My encouragement to you… no, my challenge to you is to become more intentional, more aggressive about getting God’s revealed truth into your mind and heart, and to take your family with you.

There are many ways you can go about it, but here are a couple that I’ve found helpful.

Find scripture put to music – it’s a powerful way to use the catchy nature of music to embed scripture in your soul.
Use scripture flash cards to learn Bible verses together at dinner time or breakfast.
Include scripture in your family devotional times.

Finally, here’s a motivational video from John Piper. In 8 simple statements he outlines the benefits of memorizing scripture.

Don’t skip the video. Take the time to watch it.

Now.

How are you going to act? What are you going to do to provide life changing clarity, certainty, and confidence to your family?

Go to top

Categories : Parenting, Spirit Health

Tags : bible study, life change, life changing, scripture memory, value of scripture

Podcast 90 – How to stop family conflicts

Posted by Carey

· Wednesday, September 24th, 2014

How to stop family conflicts.

Or if you are using a “podcatcher” here is the feed address: https://christianhomeandfamily.com/feed/podcast/

Family conflicts can make life inside the home horrendous. Nobody wants to be around when arguing, fighting, and complaining are the norm.

So how do you get past the arguing?

You get past it by preventing it in the first place. And you do that through working hard toward every person in the family having a right relationship with God.

Go to top

Categories : Podcast, Spirit Health

Tags : Christian growth, discipleship, domestic violence, how tot stop family conflict

Monday Mindset: Compassion

Posted by Carey

· Monday, September 22nd, 2014

I have to admit that I’ve come to see the value and need for compassion toward others far later in life than I should have.

I’m typically a “suck it up and get to work” kind of person when it comes to how I view others. But I’m coming to see that though that may be a very “American” attitude (rugged and individualistic), it’s not a very Christ-like one.

So, I’ve been intentionally working on seeing others through the eyes of compassion.

Here are some thoughts that have helped me as I’ve considered the issue:

When I understand and embrace the golden rule, compassion is a natural result (Matthew 7:12).

Think of this this way…

I struggle with sin in a variety of areas. I hate it. I fight it. I want other people to cut me some slack in those areas because I’m really, really, really trying to overcome those areas of sin.
Other people have the same kind of struggle, and want the same kind of mercy.
Compassion recognizes that and gives it to them.

If I take the time to understand where people are coming from, compassion comes more easily.

None of us has become who we are in a vacuum. We’ve been dramatically impacted and shaped by things like…

The sins of our parents, which could include things like neglect or abuse.
Tragedies we’ve experienced.
Disappointments we’ve had to accept.
Fears that have come true.

Stop and think about YOUR personality quirks and personal sins. How has your past fed and formed them?

Now consider this: Every person you lock eyes with has the same kind of baggage from their past, their hurts, their experiences, and their fears.

How does that impact your ability to have compassion on them?

We are all victims

Hear me out on this one.

I’m not saying we bear no responsibility for the state of our lives and souls.

I am saying we’ve all been deceived, mistreated, and attacked repeatedly by the enemy of our souls, satan.

We are all victims of his trickery and evil on one level or another, to varying degrees.

The state we are in is in large measure due to his influence.

So when another person acts like a sin-soaked bone head, it helps me to remember that they’ve been under attack by an enemy far stronger than them.

That reminder helps me have compassion. It helps me pray for them instead of wish them away or become irritated.

Helping your family have compassion

Here are some ideas for the kinds of conversations that will help your children develop hearts of compassion.

Discuss the terrible conditions of the world, from starving children to oppressed people groups. Talk with your family about what it must be like to be in those people’s shoes. Pray for them together.

Voice of the martyrs (http://www.persecution.org) is a very helpful resource to focus your discussion on those being persecuted because they are Christians. Their resources include a podcast, books, posters, and lots of other stuff. One of their websites is designed specifically for children (http://www.kidsofcourage.com/)

Think together about the people you know. Talk about what they’re going through – divorce, abuse, job loss, etc. Try to imagine what life might be like for them. Decide together how you can be a blessing to them.

Discuss why compassion toward others is important. Here are some passages to help you keep your conversation biblically centered.

Matthew 7:12
Luke 10:30-35
Galatians 6:2
Ephesians 4:32
1 Thessalonians 5:11-14
James 2:14-17
1 Peter 4:10
1 John 4:7-21

Take the time to determine that you WILL encourage compassion in your family this week.

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Categories : Family Foundations, Parenting, Spirit Health

Tags : compassion, compassionate, love for others

I forgive you, but…

Posted by Carey

· Friday, September 19th, 2014

When you or I say, “I forgive you,” we’re supposed to put the situation behind us, right?

Well, yes… but there’s something else that’s supposed to happen. The offending person is supposed to change. It’s called repentance.

I can remember a handful of times when my wife or myself have been dealing with one of our children about the very same issue, for the thousandth time.

OK, not the thousandth, but it seems like it when there’s been an ongoing pattern of dealing with the same issue.

In those situations, it’s not uncommon for one of us to say something like this…

I forgive you, but saying ‘I’m sorry’ isn’t going to cut it anymore. You need to become truly sorrowful about this and allow the Holy Spirit to help you change.

It’s painful to admit, but my wife has even said those words to me at times.

As important as it is to forgive and to say the words “I forgive you,” it can sometimes enable the offending person to feel like they are off the hook.

The issue’s over. It’s out of play. No more will be said about it.

But if true repentance, accompanied by godly sorrow has not occurred, it’s not over. Is it?

That’s where statements like the one my wife has said to me comes from. She realized that for some reason, though I was truly sorry in my heart, I hadn’t taken the issue seriously enough to truly begin moving toward change. It was evident by the fact that I was repeating the same old offense.

Her blunt statement to me was a wake up call. It was her way of putting me on notice, letting me know that she wasn’t going to stand by while I said one thing but did another.

Do you have anyone in your life who cares enough to call you out like that?

You need to. Those are the people who keep you from becoming hardened by your own sin.

Talking to your kids about this issue is vital.

They need to understand that the old adage is true; “Actions speak louder than words.” They need to understand that forgiveness is not a “get out of jail free” card. It costs something… intentional change.

How can you communicate this important truth?

You may find a comment like my wife’s to be helpful in certain situations. Just be sure to make it clear that change of heart is what leads to change in behavior.
You may decide to take a direct, scriptural approach and plan a family devotion around this subject.
You could take your kids out on a date, individually to discuss the issue on age appropriate levels.

The options are as limitless as your imagination. Most of all, you just need to do it.

The impact of ignoring the “I forgive you” dilemma

There are a number of things that could result from a wrong understanding of this issue. Note that: these things could happen. Whether they do or not depends on the environment of your home, your child’s personality, how much spiritual maturity they have, and a number of other things.

But what could go wrong if they don’t understand this repentance/forgiveness combination?

Instead of taking their sin seriously, they could begin to make the person they’ve offended responsible. “You just need to forgive me,” OR “I said I’m sorry, what more do you want?”
They could learn to avoid the very real and helpful role that sorrow over sin plays in life. That makes it extremely hard to get to repentance at all.
Defensiveness could become their normal mode of operation. They’ll become hard rather than soft.

Why is this kind of repentance so difficult for you kids, and for you?

It comes down to one, simple thing.

Pride.

We don’t like that we have to admit our wrongs, our failures, our sins. We don’t want others to think of us that way.

But why not?

When we’ve sinned, it’s all true. We find freedom and release when we confess it, repent of it, and move on.

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Categories : Family Foundations

Tags : forgiveness, I forgive you

Podcast 89 – How to stop sinning

Posted by Carey

· Wednesday, September 17th, 2014

How to stop sinning. Really.

Or if you are using a “podcatcher” here is the feed address: https://christianhomeandfamily.com/feed/podcast/

Yes, really. I know we’d all like to know how to stop sinning, and the truth is that the Bible gives us plain, simple instructions for how to do it.

But even though it’s simple, it’s not easy.

Every believer in Christ has the opportunity to apply what John says (1 John) and stop sinning. It’s a daily, step by step discipline we have to develop.

This episode of the podcast is going to highlight the only path to stop sinning, and give some tips on how to move in that direction.

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Categories : Podcast, Spirit Health

Tags : Christian growth, discipleship, how to stop sinning, overcome sin

Monday Mindset: Worship

Posted by Carey

· Monday, September 15th, 2014

I once heard Chuck Swindoll say that we worship God for 4 basic things.

His PERSON

His PLANS

His WORD

and

His WORKS.

I tend to agree with Him.

Worship is a response to God. It’s a response to what He’s done in one of those 4 areas.

In this “Monday mindset” I’m encouraging you to talk with your family about worship. Here is a list of starter questions to get you going:

What does the word “worship” mean?
Is worship only about singing or music?
Why do you think worship is important for us? What does it do in us or for us?
Give me some examples of how we can worship God for who He is (PERSON)?
What are some ways we might worship God for what He’s done (PLANS)?
Can you think of ways we could worship God for the things He’s said to us (WORD)?
Are there ways we can worship God for what He’s done (WORKS)?
Do you think we can worship God throughout the day as we go about our normal routine?

To wrap up… here are some ideas for how you can follow up on the topic of worship throughout the week:

Each morning, give your family members the assignment of watching for reasons to worship as they go through the day.
Spend some time around the supper table each evening worshipping God for things your family members have noticed.
Be sure to share your own observations. Your kids will learn a ton by hearing the kinds of things you noticed.
Pick out some good videos or songs that your family can sing in worship and do it one evening.

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In my opinion, Chris Tomlin is a modern-day hymn writer. His songs are filled with deep doctrines from the word of God. This song highlights that God created us to be worshippers. Enjoy.

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Categories : Parenting, Spirit Health

Tags : family worship, worship, worship God

Corporate prayer is a pain in the…

Posted by Carey

· Friday, September 12th, 2014

In my entire Christian life (going on 43 years, now) corporate prayer has never been easy.

That statement comes from a guy who…

Has been in church since he was 5 years old.
Has served as a professional “clergy” for over 20 years.
Has attended more prayer meetings than movies.
Has taught people about prayer and how to pray.
Has encouraged people to pray, out loud, in public, repeatedly.

Even so, I find corporate prayer to be difficult, unnatural, and awkward on a number of levels.

The temptation to “perform” is always there.

There’s special phrases and words we use that are never spoken in any other context.

“We beseech You, oh LORD…”

“…lead, guide, and direct us and help us to do thy will…”

“…we bind Satan…”

I wonder, who are we trying to impress? It can’t be God. He knows us too well. Because of that I’m convinced He’s not very impressed with any of us. So it has to be the other folks in the room we’re trying to dazzle.

The desire to not sound stupid is way too strong.

This one’s closely related to the first one, but it’s different.

Yes, it’s self-conscious praying, but mainly because I’m praying to the wrong person (or people).

If I’m truly praying, I’m speaking to God, right? So why am I worried about what the other people in the room might think about how I sound or what I’m saying?

On top of that, if it’s God I’m speaking to, I suspect that most of the time the prayers I send up to Him sound like the rantings of a 3 year old. Cute, but pretty ignorant.

So the reality is that I truly may sound stupid to the Person I’m speaking to… but that’s OK. Like any good parent, He’s got plenty of grace for that.

And He actually likes that we’re talking to Him at all.

The distractions are brutal.

Why is it that when I bow my head to pray my brain suddenly goes on autopilot. You too? My thoughts wander aimlessly through the landscape of memory and trivia the moment the eyes close. I think there’s a switch in my neck someplace that switches my brain from real-life-adult mode, to grab-a-random-thought mode.

Here’s a quick sample:

That was a crazy movie I watched last night.
My stomach hurts.
My sister will love that goofy cat video I saw on Facebook yesterday.
What is that smell?
How many times has the guy praying used the word “just?” 1-2-3-4…
My mother’s french fries with white gravy on top. Oh, I haven’t had that in so long!
I need new shoes. These are falling apart.
27. Wow, that guy said “just” 27 times in his two sentence prayer.
It’s my turn to pray? “We beseech You oh LORD, just to…”

Corporate prayer is a real pain in the brain, and the heart.

I want to do it well. I want my interaction with God in the presence of others to be genuine, full of faith, and truly effective (James 5:16).

I want what I pray to connect with the heart of God and benefit those who hear me praying. But all the struggles make it a very painful experience.

Can you relate? Do you think your spouse or your kids can relate?

It’s clear, this is a multi-generational, non-gender-specific problem that we all need to face.

I want to give you some hard-learned but helpful suggestions.

Moving corporate prayer in a different direction

As you can tell, this issue has been percolating in my mind for some time. I’ve considered it a lot because it’s been an issue for me a lot. The answers I’ve discovered are not life-altering or mind-blowing, but they are helpful… at least to me. I trust they will be helpful to you too.

1 Admit the problem(s).

As always, none of us can address an issue we aren’t willing to acknowledge. The first step to change is the humility to admit that we need to change.

2 Ask God to help you in your praying.

Strangely enough, we don’t typically ask God to help us ask Him for help.

It’s OK, you can read that sentence again. It is a bit confusing.

Something about the idea seems a bit odd. But it’s not. We need His help for everything, right? So if we need help in praying, it makes sense to ask Him for it.

And what do you know… He’ll answer.

3 Begin the work.

Adjusting our bad habits concerning corporate prayer is going to be a lot of hard work. But that shouldn’t be a strange thing to us as followers of Christ.

Faith without works is dead (James 2:26).

That means that if we really believe God will help us with this issue, then we’ve got to begin acting as if He’s going to help us.

What does that look like? Here’s some ideas:

Work hard (with the Spirit’s help) to set your mind on the fact that you’re talking to God, not the other people in the room. Every time you begin thinking about the other people, ask the LORD to help you think of Him instead.
When it’s your turn to pray, speak naturally, as if you’re talking to a friend (because you are).
With the strength the Spirit of God supplies, discipline yourself to pay close attention to the things others pray. Even repeat their words silently in your mind to help you focus on their meaning. Consciously agree with their requests, saying silent words of affirmation to the Father.
If it’s helpful, even speak out quiet words of agreement to help you maintain focus: “Yes, LORD. Do it LORD. Amen, Jesus. Do your will Father.” “Quiet” is a very important word here; you don’t want to be a distraction.
When you notice your mind has wandered, instead of beating yourself up, confess, repent, and ask the LORD to help you reengage. He’s gracious to forgive (1 John 1:9) and will be faithful to do all those things.

I’d love to hear what your experience has been with corporate prayer. And I’d love to hear any suggestions you might have. Use the comments below.

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I really mean everything above. I’m serious about it. Really.

But I also think there’s plenty of humor in our struggle to pray well. The video below is from Michael, Jr., a great Christian comedian who I respect a ton. Enjoy.

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Categories : Spirit Health

Tags : corporate prayer, learn to pray, prayer, praying

Podcast 88 – God is light, and what it means for your family!

Posted by Carey

· Wednesday, September 10th, 2014

God is Light: A lesson for Christian families

Or if you are using a “podcatcher” here is the feed address: https://christianhomeandfamily.com/feed/podcast/

God seems to love illustrations and symbols. The scriptures are full of them: sheep, goats, seeds, plants, vines, brides and bridegrooms, light, darkness – you get the idea.

This episode uses the biblical illustration of light to show you a fun and effective way that you can use light to teach your family that God is light, and what that means for their lives.

Categories : Podcast, Spirit Health

Tags : bible study, christian family time, daily devotions, God is light, quiet time, spiritual growth

Monday Mindset: Peace of mind

Posted by Carey

· Monday, September 8th, 2014

Many people say that they have great “peace of mind.”

They say it when things are going well, when they’ve been able to overcome a great obstacle, or are content with where they are in life.

But they really don’t have “peace of mind.”

What they have is “peace of feel.”

What?

Everything FEELS good to them. It has nothing to do with their mind (typically).

Peace of mind is not a feeling.

Let me say that again… and take a few seconds to let what I’m saying sink into your mind and heart.

Peace of mind is NOT a feeling.

Feelings fluctuate based on the circumstance. Feelings can change due to hormonal or chemical reasons.

Peace based on feelings is not dependable.

True peace of mind is a “knowing,” not a feeling.

The kind of peace of mind all of us need is based entirely on truth, not on what we feel.

Truth is reliable, unchanging, dependable. You can count on it to be the same yesterday, today, and tomorrow.

As long as you know and hang on to truth, you can have true peace of mind. Let’s look at a scriptural example of how this works…

And let the peace of Christ rule in your hearts, to which indeed you were called in one body. And be thankful. Let the word of Christ dwell in you richly, teaching and admonishing one another in all wisdom, singing psalms and hymns and spiritual songs, with thankfulness in your hearts to God. – Colossians 3:15-16

We are to LET the peace of Christ rule in our hearts. Can you think of a better source of peace?
We are called to that kind of peace. It’s normal, expected for believers in Christ to have that kind of peace. Thankfulness is a natural result.
We are to LET the word of Christ dwell in us richly. I believe this is where true peace comes from. We know the promises of God and the reality of what He’s done for us through Jesus and from that knowledge flows a “knowing,” a confidence, a peace.
We grow in that rich peace through teaching, admonishment, and worship with other believers. The church is important to us having and keeping true peace.

Do you see that true peace of mind is really faith in action?

You hear and receive God’s truth.
You believe it.
You rest confidently in it (that’s true peace).

Teaching your family how to have true peace of mind

There are so many practical ways you can teach and model genuine peace of mind. Here are just a few…

Reading and memorizing scriptural promises together. This is where you get the truth inside you.
Discuss those truths on a real-life, practical level.
Share situations you experience where God proves those truths in your life.
Express how God has taught you to trust Him more.
Talk about what it could be like to rest confidently in the promises of God.

The following song is an example of the peace of mind that God’s truth can bring to our lives.

Watch the lyrics carefully. Notice the reality with which the writer knows the pains of life. He’s not a stranger to disappointment, suffering, or pain.

But he has confidence, nonetheless. He has confidence because of the truth of what God has said.

That is peace of mind. The kind you want. The kind I want. The kind our children need.

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Categories : Parenting, Spirit Health

Tags : peace in my heart, peace of feel, peace of mind, peaceful, personal peace

How to pray for your non-Christian family members

Posted by Carey

· Friday, September 5th, 2014

Praying for non-Christians is an important habit to develop as a family.

It demonstrates for everyone (parents and kids alike), some of the most important character traits that Christ wants to grow in us:

consideration
love
compassion
faith in God
and the list goes on…

As you develop habits of prayer as a family, you’ll begin to see God’s answers, which encourages your faith all the more!

Whether it’s family members, friends, neighbors, or co-workers, you want to make sure you’re praying in a way that is aligned with God’s will.

One of the most powerful ways to pray is by using scripture to guide your prayers. I’ve written about this in my book, “Recharge” and on blog posts in the past.

Specifically, here’s a passage that my mother-in-love pointed out to me that is powerfully helpful in setting your family’s mindset on what is actually needed and happening when you pray for unsaved people. It’s Jesus’ words to Paul when he was being told what his role as an Apostle would be about…

But rise and stand upon your feet, for I have appeared to you for this purpose, to appoint you as a servant and witness to the things in which you have seen me and to those in which I will appear to you,
delivering you from your people and from the Gentiles—to whom I am sending you to open their eyes, so that they may turn from darkness to light and from the power of Satan to God, that they may receive forgiveness of sins and a place among those who are sanctified by faith in me. – Acts 26:16-18

There are 3 primary things we need to understand as we pray for non-believing people:

1 Their eyes need to be opened.

Every person is blind, blind, blind to their need for Christ. We need to pray that their eyes will be opened. We need to pray specifically that God will open their eyes – to their need and to His sufficiency as their Savior. If this doesn’t happen, salvation is not possible.

2 They need to be turned from darkness to light.

The allure of the dark world in which we live is powerful. Unsaved people are not only blind and lost, they don’t realize they are blind or lost. They enjoy the darkness. They feel like it’s best, right, and good. We need to be praying that God will turn people away form darkness, that He’ll dispel the illusion, that He’ll spoil the fantasy it offers.

3 They need to be turned from the power of Satan to the power of God.

The problem is not only that people are blind. And it’s not only that they love darkness. People are also held captive by the power of Satan. We need to ask God to release them from his grip. It’s what Jesus came to do (1 John 3:8).

Praying in this way will strengthen your family’s faith.

A biblically-informed prayer of this kind takes the focus off of our inability to change people. It shows us that God is the only one who can do what is needed to save a human soul.

This kind of prayer helps us see the all-sufficient power of Jesus’ death on the cross and gives us hope that those lost family members or friends can be set free.

Our job is to pray.

Our job is to keep praying.

And our job as parents is to teach our children that our God delights to save people. He delights to make Himself glorious in doing so. And He delights to increase our faith by answering our prayers for the salvation of our family and friends.

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Here’s a great song by Jill Paquette (I’d love to see her in concert). This song is about a lost friend, “Katie Lynn,” and the struggle that happens when we care so much about a friend or family member and don’t know what to do… and still don’t take the time to pray.

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Categories : Parenting, Spirit Health

Tags : non-Christian, non-Christian husband, non-Christian wife, praying for family, unbelieving husband, unbelieving wife

Podcast 87 – 30 day Bible saturation for spiritual growth

Posted by Carey

· Wednesday, September 3rd, 2014

30 day Bible saturation for spiritual growth

Or if you are using a “podcatcher” here is the feed address: https://christianhomeandfamily.com/feed/podcast/

There are a million different ways you could get into the scriptures and get the scriptures into you. But here’s one that’s honestly new to me, taught to me by my daughter. I call it the 30 day Bible saturation, and it’s really a cool way to get yourself immersed in some of the main themes of scripture in a very contextual way.

Categories : Podcast, Spirit Health

Tags : bible study, daily devotions, quiet time, spiritual growth

Monday Mindset: The power of a Bible verse

Posted by Carey

· Monday, September 1st, 2014

Don’t ever underestimate the power of a Bible verse

Even more importantly, don’t underestimate the power of the God who spoke it.

One of the primary means God uses to do work in our lives is through those Bible verses we take so much for granted.

And if you’re raising your children in a way that includes regular church attendance (you are, aren’t you?), then you run the risk of scripture becoming too familiar.

Yes, too familiar.

Scripture only has power when it has meaning to the person reading it. Its truth has to soak in to the soul, transform the mind, and make a difference in how the person thinks and lives.

That’s when the power of a bible verse is seen most clearly.

Help your family understand the power of a Bible verse this week:

Use the following Bible verse(s) to lead your family into a deeper understanding of the valuable, life-changing resource the scriptures can be for them.

All Scripture is breathed out by God and profitable for teaching, for reproof, for correction, and for training in righteousness, that the man of God may be complete, equipped for every good work. – 1 Timothy 3:16-17

DISCUSSION QUESTIONS:

What do you think it means that the Bible is “breathed out by God?”
What does it mean if something is “profitable?”
So how is the Bible profitable to us?
What kind of people need teaching? How important is it that the person teaching knows what they are talking about?
What kind of teacher do you think God is?
What is reproof and correction?
Do you like to be corrected? Why or why not?
Why is correction good for us?
What does it mean to be trained for righteousness?
How do you think God uses the Bible to train us for righteousness?
What is God’s purpose for giving us the Bible? (look at the end of the verse)

Categories : Parenting, Spirit Health

Tags : bible study, bible verse, bible verses, scripture

Spiritual training for your children doesn’t have to be hard, even if you’re starting late

Posted by Carey

· Friday, August 29th, 2014

SPIRITUAL TRAINING FOR YOUR KIDS DOESN’T HAVE TO BE HARD…

I’ve heard the story, many times. By God’s grace, a parent has come to faith in Christ later in life.

They change course mid-stream so to speak, in their own life and in their family. There’s a new mind-set and new way of living that they’re trying to implement in their household. In many cases, they are doing it after years of heading in the opposite direction.

Many parents who are in that boat feel that they don’t have much to offer their children, spiritually speaking. They don’t know how to lead their children spiritually because they are still learning, themselves. Sound familiar?

What do you do?

How can you teach them when you’re still very much in growth mode yourself?

All it takes is for you to stay at least a few steps ahead of them. I’ve been learning this lesson in a different context, lately. Maybe my situation will help you get what I’m talking about.

Much of what I do to provide income for my family, (with this website and and with some of my other endeavors) is teaching-related. I teach people how to do a variety of of things. In some cases, as I’m developing my teaching resources, I realize that I don’t know the process or information as well as I should.

So what do I do, give up and say I can’t teach it?

Nope. I learn it.

Then I teach it.

We all know there is value to the kind of teaching that comes from years of experience, but it’s not always necessary.

The way I see it, is this: If I’m truly learning the information or skill, on a heart level, I think it could even be more effective for me, a “newbie” to teach it, because I see first-time-learner issues much more clearly than the seasoned veteran. As a result, I’m able to speak a “language” that first-time-learners can grab hold of more easily.

SPIRITUAL TRAINING FOR YOUR CHILDREN CAN HAPPEN THE SAME WAY

As you learn something new in your spiritual walk you are able to honestly share it with your kids, struggles and all.

They see the genuine nature of your growth and relationship with the LORD, and it gives them a model to follow. It shows them how to handle confusion and difficulty and it demonstrates how to apply the new truths God has to teach you (and them).

You’re being an example, a model, and therefore a guide. Isn’t that what you’re wanting in the first place?

If that’s where you find yourself, here’s what I suggest:

Make sure YOU are on track with the LORD, first. I have a couple of different resources (here) that can help you build a regular habit of time with Him.

Talk about what the LORD is teaching you. Your kids need to see that your spiritual walk is genuine and that it matters to you. They need to see the change that’s happened in “real life.”

Share your struggles and your victories. Your children don’t need a sterling example. They need to see how a real person walks out a life of faith in our very fallen world. They need to see what humility looks like, how a teachable spirit is formed, and how God can do His work in a flawed human being. You’re the perfect candidate to teach them those things.

Talk openly about their spiritual condition. Use the experiences you share from your own life as spring-boards to ask about their lives. Younger children may need help understanding what you’re asking. Older kids may need gentle prodding, especially if you’ve not talked on a spiritual level much in the past. But as you are consistent in showing them that spiritual topics matter to you, they’ll begin to be curious.

Pray for God to continue guiding you, as you guide them. The more you depend on the LORD, the more you will see His strength come through in your weaknesses. Trust Him to do His work in you, for the sake of your kids.

Spiritual training for your kids doesn’t have to be hard. All you need to do is to continue faithfully walking with the LORD, and out of genuine concern for your children, share the process with them.

The video below may not be your preferred style of music, but the message is powerful on this point. We only have one life, given to us by God. As His redeemed children we are expected to make it count. Your children need you to make sure that your life counts for their sake, to lead them into radical faith for generations.

Don’t Waste Your Life (lyrics below the video).

I know a lot of people out there scared they’re gonna die
A couple of them thinking they’ll be livin’ in the sky
But while I’m here livin’ man I gotta ask why, what am here fo’ I gotta figure out
Waste my life
No I gotta make it count
If Christ is real then what am I gonna do about
Everything in Luke 12: 15 down to 21
You’ve really gotta go and check it out
Paul said if Christ ain’t resurrected we’ve wasted our lives
Well that implies that our life’s built around Jesus being alive
Everyday I’m living tryin’ to show the world why
Christ is more than everything you’ll ever try
Better than pretty women and sinning and living to get a minute of any women and men that you admire
It ain’t no lie

We’re created for Him
Outta the dust he made us for Him
Elects us and he saves us for Him
Jesus comes and he raises for Him
Magnify the Father why bother with something lesser
He made us so we could bless Him
To the world we confess Him
Resurrects Him
So I know I got life
Matter fact better man I know I got Christ
If you don’t see His ways in my days and nights
You can hit my brakes you can stop my life
Then I lost my rights
I lost my life
Forget the money cars and toss that ice
The cost is Christ
And they could never offer me anything on the planet that would cost that price.

Armed and dangerous
So the devil just can’t hang with us
Christian youth them will stand with us
Living and driven
Given a vision
Fullfillin’ the commission he handed us
London to Los Angeles
The rap evangelist
My daddy wouldn’t abandon us
I gotta backpack full of tracts and I keep it on the Johnny mac
So are you ready to jam with us
So let’s go, give me the word an let’s go
Persecution let’s go
Tribulation let’s go
Across the nation let’s go
Procrastination let’s go
Hung on the cross in the cold
Died for the young and the old
Can’t say you never know
Heaven knows how many souls are going to hell or to heaven so we gotta go in to get them

Suffer?
Yeah, do it for Christ!
You’re trying to figure what to do with your life
If you make a lot of money hope you’re doing it right
Because the money is God’s you better steward it right
And stay focused
You ain’t got no ride
Your life ain’t wrapped up in what you drive
The clothes you wear, the job you work
The color your skin naw you’re a Christian first
People get to living for a job
Make a little money start living for a car
Get ’em a wife a house kids and a dog
Then they retire they’re living high on the hog
But guess what they didn’t ever really live at all
To live is Christ and that’s Paul I recall
To die is gain so for Christ we give it all
He’s the treasure you’ll never find in a mall
Your money your singleness marriage talent your time
They were loaned to you to show the world that Christ is Divine
That’s why it’s Christ in my rhymes
That’s why it’s Christ all the time
See my whole world is built around Him He’s the life in my lines
I refused to waste my life
He’s too true to chase that ice
Here’s my gifts and time
‘Cause I’m constantly trying to be used to praise the Christ
If he’s truly raised to life
Then this news should change your life
And by his grace you can put your faith in place that rules your days and nights.

Categories : Spirit Health

Tags : children, Christian parenting, don't waste your life, LeCrae, parenting, spiritual training

Sexual sin and the Christian family

Posted by Carey

· Friday, August 22nd, 2014

We live in a tremendously sexualized culture. Sexual sin is a natural result.

Sexual sins are some of the things that destroy families and their ability to have radical faith for generations.

But sex is not the real issue behind sexual sin.

Really, it’s not.

Sexual sin happens because believers who once walked close with their LORD (or perhaps never did) have lost their joy in Him. That is where every sexual sin begins, without fail.

So how does our sexualized culture figure into that? By pushing sex (a naturally appealing thing) into the forefront of our minds and attention, to the degree that we become more enamoured with it (a created thing) than we do the joy that comes from walking closely with our LORD (the Creator).

Do you see the tragedy of that?

We’re trading the popsicle for the stick, preferring a kazoo over a stradivarius, delighting in the thing instead of the One who created it.

Are you in the danger zone?

Don’t answer this question by looking at the presence or absence of sexually titillating stuff in your world.

Answer it by how passionately drawn to Jesus you are.

He is the antidote and prevention for sexual sin, and the closer you are to Him, the farther from sexual sins you will find yourself.

So, are you in the danger zone? Are you?

Resist the temptation to point to your church attendance, or Bible reading, or faithfulness to serve in church or the community, or accountability software on your computer as “reasons” why you’re not in the danger zone.

Those things are good and likely wise things to have as a part of your life, but they don’t matter a bit when it comes to avoiding sexual temptation — not really.

What matters is how closely you are walking with Jesus, how consistently you are abiding in Him.

I am the true vine, and my Father is the vinedresser. Every branch in me that does not bear fruit he takes away, and every branch that does bear fruit he prunes, that it may bear more fruit. Already you are clean because of the word that I have spoken to you. Abide in me, and I in you. As the branch cannot bear fruit by itself, unless it abides in the vine, neither can you, unless you abide in me. I am the vine; you are the branches. Whoever abides in me and I in him, he it is that bears much fruit, for apart from me you can do nothing. If anyone does not abide in me che is thrown away like a branch and withers; and the branches are gathered, thrown into the fire, and burned. – John 15:1-6

sexual sin from not abiding

What will you do to get yourself to a place of sexual safety?

What will you do to intentionally, deliberately, in suffering if you must, get back on track in your relationship with Jesus?

There’s no price too high. Really, there’s not. If you don’t draw near to Jesus, your enemy the devil will get you with some kind of temptation. It may not be sexual sin, but you can mark my words, he will get you so wrapped up in something sinful that you won’t know what happened.

Draw near to Jesus.

For His sake.

For your sake.

For the sake of your children.

For the sake of their children, and their children, and their children.

Your passionate pursuit of Jesus today will set the course for generations who come after you. Isn’t it worth it?

This issue really comes down to what you love.

What DO you love?

The sensational? The fantastic? The immediate? The trendy? The popular? The fun? What others think of you?

You’ve got to love Jesus more. You’ve got to.

The video below is by a guy named Derek Webb. He used to sing with Caedmon’s Call, years back. Since then he’s released quite a few of his own solo albums, many of them very controversial, mainly because he’s willing to tackle some tough issues in a straight-forward way. You won’t agree with everything he writes and sings about, but on this one, he’s got it right.

The song is called, “The Spirit VS The Kick Drum.”

Here’s my challenge to you: Listen/watch the video and follow along with the lyrics below it. Try to get Derek’s point that many, many things compete for our love and allegiance, but Jesus has to be number one.

Then decide what you will do to make Jesus the greatest desire of your life.

Go to top

“A-one and a-two and a-chick-a-boom-a-chick.”

I don’t want the Spirit; I want the kick drum
I don

Author Archive for Carey

#1: So far I’ve said very little about many of the things typically addressed in a series about a Christ-centered home and family.

#2: In this series, so far I’ve focused primarily on YOU, as an individual, not on your family as a group.

Q: What will you do with what you’ve learned so far?

Q: How will you begin ensuring that Christ is central to your life?

Teen dating seems to be the norm… but we’ve decided that our kids will not date until they are 18.

Reasons we didn’t want our teens to date

How did we accomplish our children happily not dating?

What happened when they were old enough to date?

Our culture tends to be a really self centered. There is not much grace for the personal weakness of others.

What you’ll learn about loving your spouse’s personal weaknesses…

What I’ve discovered about proactively loving the personal weaknesses of my spouse (and that she’s learned about mine)…

Thinking ahead in light of your spouse’s personal weaknesses can help you help them through the power of love that never fails. Here’s how it works…

The love of Jesus (dying on the cross) demonstrates the way we are to sacrifice in order to meet the exact needs of others, especially those we love most

Connect With Carey and Christian Home and Family

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How a commitment to personal freedom is gutting Christian parenting…

A while back my wife and I were talking about absolutes…

Freedom is a great blessing God has given to us as humans… but it has its limits.

How does this gut Christian parenting of its effectiveness?

He is life.

Did Aaron understand what she was saying?

I say none of this to impress you, but to impress something upon you…

The central reality of the universe: Our God reigns.

The key to raising godly children is to first be a godly parent.

What does it look like?

How to raise godly children

Q: What do YOU need to do in order to move closer to Christ as a parent?

PIN THIS!

A spiritual leader is not the person who has all the right, holy-sounding answers.

Here’s a rough outline of Lessons for Spiritual Leaders

Many times one of the first things we think about when it comes to Jesus is His self-sacrificing nature

Spiritual leaders also work hard to understand those they lead

Resources & People Mentioned

Connect With Carey and Christian Home and Family

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I hope it’s your desire to learn everything you need to know about parenting from the Bible.

On this episode of the podcast I wanted to share a parenting mindset with you…

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Here’s a rough outline of this episode about REALITY PARENTING

So, reality parenting – what IS it?

I believe THAT is parenting from the Bible, the way the Bible teaches

What about the REALLY hard stuff that could damage our children?

Connect With Carey and Christian Home and Family

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The foundation of a marriage is an important thing.

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God IS

The LORD, the LORD (the I Am, the I Am)

merciful and gracious

slow to anger

abounding in steadfast love and faithfulness, keeping steadfast love for thousands

forgiving iniquity and transgression and sin

but who will by no means clear the guilty, visiting the iniquity of the fathers on the children and the children’s children, to the third and the fourth generation.

The kind of marriage connection you want is possible…

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In a Christian marriage, communication is one of the foundational things that enables man and wife to live together in harmony.

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1 Corinthians 13:8 says “Love Never Fails.”

There are many broken marriages that appear to prove that love does indeed fail.

God is up to more than cartoon hearts floating into the sky when it comes to love. He’s doing something POWERFUL with it.

So in your marriage – your relationships – hold firmly to the truth that love never fails.

Loving well is a bloody thing.

The 3 Cs of a Christ-Honoring Marriage

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Marriage restoration can only happen for those who humbly seek it.

Outline of This Episode

Resources & People Mentioned

Good stewardship is about more than money and posessions…

My good stewardship story

In that moment, what that meant was this:

Practically speaking, here are some examples of what it means for me to carry out that great responsibility:

DO YOU GET IT?

Q: How seriously are you taking YOUR stewardship before God?

Q: What steps will you take to make changes in the right direction?

On becoming “Grand-Pop”

A great pattern for prayer

A prayer for my grandson

Why I wrote this post

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