Archive for Marriage

106 - To build a christ centered home - site

To build a Christ-centered home, you go first (Episode 106]

Posted by Carey

· Tuesday, March 20th, 2018

This is the last of the “chapters” in my Family Foundations series, aimed at helping you create a Christ-centered home. In case you haven’t noticed I want to draw two important things to your attention.

#1: So far I’ve said very little about many of the things typically addressed in a series about a Christ-centered home and family.

For example, I’ve hardly mentioned…

Marriage
Parenting
Home life
Finances
Family standards
Discipline of children
Communication
and the list could go on…

Of course, I’ve deliberately neglected those topics, and here’s why:

Those areas are not where you should begin when considering what it means to have a Christ-centered home.

They are the areas of home and family life that will demonstrate the fruit of a Christ-centered home, but not the sources of the fruit. Christ Himself is the source of Christ-centered fruit, and you MUST remember that as you begin thinking about what it will take for you to have a Christ-centered home.

Why is it so important to remember? It goes back to the issue of foundations, as Jesus taught in Matthew 7:24-29. In the final verses (28-29) you can see that the people of His day noticed something different about His teaching.

And when Jesus finished these sayings, the crowds were astonished at his teaching, for he was teaching them as one who had authority, and not as their scribes.

Jesus’ teaching doesn’t just carry authority, His teaching IS authority. It is the very word of God, along with the rest of the Bible… and the life that is built on His teaching is a life that is well-founded, built on the strongest of foundations. Jesus’ way and teaching is the only solid thing that your home or family can be built on, so you must start there. THAT is the beginning of a Christ-centered home.

#2: In this series, so far I’ve focused primarily on YOU, as an individual, not on your family as a group.

Each of us is first of all, responsible for ourselves before we truly can be responsible for others. Your own life is your primary area of stewardship out of which all the others flow. If you are not the best you Christ intends you to be, then the family you are to lead, influence, or contribute to will not be the family Christ intends it to be. In other words, a Christ-centered home is not possible if those who lead it are not Christ-centered themselves.

The word order in the name of this website reflects this truth:

Christian comes first. Before all else you must be a Christian – a Christ-follower, a Christ-like one, a disciple of the King of Kings and LORD of Lords. This is more than a religious title you pin on, it is your identity. Everything else should flow out of who you are in Christ. Stay with me on the blog, and we’ll explore that issue a TON more.

Home comes second. The relationships within your home, beginning with the marriage relationship (with the exception of a single-parent home), are some of the largest stones at the bottom of the walls of your Christ-centered home. The stability of relationship that exists between those leading the home is fundamental to the home’s stability. Don’t get these first two switched around… a home centered on a marriage instead of on Christ, is a home focused on an idol.

and Family comes last (but is often where we begin in thinking about these issues). Your family as a whole can and should be Christ-centered, in how it functions, how it communicates, how it expresses Christ for the world to see, etc. But it can’t and won’t if you get the order of focus switched around. Put Christ first in your life… and then you’ll see more clearly to help the others in your family put Him first in their lives.

Christian – Home – Family. That’s the order. It’s where I began with this series (and this website), and that’s where I end – because it’s the truth that guides and establishes the foundations of a Christ-centered home.

Q: What will you do with what you’ve learned so far?

Q: How will you begin ensuring that Christ is central to your life?

Categories : Marriage, Parenting, Spirit Health

Tags : Christ-centered family, family foundations, family life, healthy family

104 - personal weaknesses of your spouse - site

Loving The Personal Weakness of Your Spouse [Ep 104]

Posted by Carey

· Thursday, January 18th, 2018

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Our culture tends to be a really self centered. There is not much grace for the personal weakness of others.

And so, in step with our culture, a lot of the things that you hear talked about when it comes to the difficulties of married life have to do with one of the partners being bothered by the actions or attitudes of the other partner.

As a result we hear complaining – we hear wishes of the things that the other spouse would do differently – and I think while that’s totally understandable, it is NOT the approach we as believers in Christ should be taking.

This episode is all about THAT – what do you do when it comes to your spouse’s personal weaknesses? My contention – you should love them not only in spite of those weaknesses, you should also love them IN those weaknesses.

Listen to this episode to hear my explanation.

What you’ll learn about loving your spouse’s personal weaknesses…

[2:00] The different approach believers in Christ need to take when it comes to the weaknesses of others – including our spouse
[7:20] The approach of proactive love in the areas of weakness your spouse experiences
[8:54] Jesus is the perfect example of proactive love – like we need to express to our spouse

What I’ve discovered about proactively loving the personal weaknesses of my spouse (and that she’s learned about mine)…

It was 8 to 10 years into my marriage before Iearned a very important truth about the way I’m supposed to love my wife. It has to do with those things that my spouse struggles with personally.

I’m talking about struggles here, things that give her a hard time in life – like in the securities and fears and doubts she feels, you know, those kinds of things that plague all of us but that we don’t always readily want to admit to other people.

You know you get to see those in your spouse better than you get to see them in anyone else. And as time goes on you get to learn what it is that pushes their buttons…

Things that make them afraid
Things that makes them doubt themselves
Things that make them doubt God’s work in their lives

Instead of being bothered by those things, instead of being perturbed or irritated, or complaining – we as believers in Christ have a great opportunity to really care for our spouse in a proactive way when it comes to those things.

Take the time to listen to this short episode to find out how you can do that – how you can help your spouse in those very areas of personal weakness that plague them the most – by your effective use of proactive love.

Thinking ahead in light of your spouse’s personal weaknesses can help you help them through the power of love that never fails. Here’s how it works…

Getting ourselves in a position where we’re mindful of the struggles our spouses have, knowing the things that are hard for them is a great opportunity for us to help them overcome those very things that plague them the most.

What we need to do is to love them in a way that tries to help them with those very issues ahead of time. I can give you an example or two from my experience – and my wife does not mind me sharing this with you because she shares this with people all the time. It’s one of the examples she often shares to enable others to understand what it is to be human and how we fight our own failings and our own insecurities day after day after day in order to better follow Christ.

And so here’s is the example when we first married.

My wife had this tendency to be very very concerned about what people thought of her. You know…

Did they approve of what she said there?
Did they feel like she was being wise?
Did they see her in some critical light or think badly of her?

That may sound extreme but if we are honest we know that we all struggle with that sort of thing from time to time – we all have that sort of desire to please people. And with my wife, I had begun to notice that and how sometimes it became almost debilitating.

She could be struggling with an insecurity, she could be struggling with some situation and it caused her to doubt herself – it caused her to to wonder if she was truly wise in the LORD. It caused her to have all kinds of questions about herself.

When I began to notice how hard it was for her, the LORD gave me an idea. I was to help her know the TRUTH about what He was doing in her, about the gifts of wisdom and insight He had given her, by encouraging and affirming her in those very areas.

It served as a counteractive force against the insecurities she was feeling so that eventually, she could begin to believe and act on the truth.

This episode is about that – learning about your spouse’s weaknesses for the sake of helping them overcome them. Listen – please, listen. This could change your marriage.

The love of Jesus (dying on the cross) demonstrates the way we are to sacrifice in order to meet the exact needs of others, especially those we love most

When Jesus died on the cross, He did so in part to love us IN our weaknesses. Before we were even born – think about that – we were on His mind when He was on the cross.

No, we did not deserve His love, we did not have any sense in which we were competent in and of ourselves – yet Jesus came to die for us, to love us ahead of time because He knew the need we were going to have.

Our love for our spouse is to mirror the love of Christ for His church. We are able through His strength to NOT be irritated by our spouse’s personal weaknesses or insecurities, or the same old struggles that they might go through again and again and again. Instead, we have an opportunity. to minister to those areas of need, those areas of weakness – we have an opportunity to help for them overcome those things in a proactive way.

I hope this concept is striking a home with you.

Because I know we all, throughout the course of our lives, feel various times of irritation with our spouse. And it’s in those moments that we have to learn, we have to remember, that Christ in us wants to help our spouse, He actually wants them to grow out of the struggle to be a person who overcomes BECAUSE OF His power in their life.

And that can be done, in part, by the way we love the mess our spouse can be in at times.

We don’t give up on them just like Jesus does not give up on them.
We don’t resign ourselves to the fact that “That’s just the way they are!”

No, instead, we hold out hope for them. We rest in the fact that Christ is not finished in with the work He’s is doing in them – and that we as their spouse are one of the primary tools He will use to enable them to overcome those very struggles that are so bothersome to us.

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Categories : Marriage, Podcast

Tags : spouse's personal weakness

The Foundation of a Marriage that Honors Christ – part 4 of 4 [Ep 99]

Posted by Carey

· Thursday, November 23rd, 2017

The foundation of a marriage is an important thing.

It’s not something to be taken lightly. This episode was the final session I gave on Sunday morning at a recent marriage retreat. The notes below are my speaking outline from that event.

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*******************

Underlying everything we’ve explored this weekend is a massive, foundational truth that to me, feels to be the right place to place our attention as we wrap up and say goodbye.

THAT TRUTH: God is, and by faith He is ours and we are His.

Can I say that again?

God IS. And BY FAITH He is ours and we are His.

I want to define my terms briefly because this is SO important…

GOD IS: We have not dreamed Him up to compensate for our insecurities or to serve as an emotional crutch to get through life. He exists. He is real.

OURS/WE: Those who are redeemed by His blood, adopted into His family, Christ-followers.

HE IS OURS: Not in the sense that this tablet is mine: something I own and have control over – but in the sense that Mindi is mine: she has committed herself to me, to my well-being, and to remaining faithful to me.

WE ARE HIS: Though it could be said that we are God’s in the sense that this tablet is mine, that could also be true of all humanity. I’m talking about Christ-followers here. In that sense we are His in that He has chosen us before the foundation of the world (Eph. 1:4) to BE His… His children, His ambassadors, His co-workers, the trophies of His grace.

BY FAITH: I do NOT mean the wishful-thinking or “hoping” kind of faith commonly expressed in our culture. I mean the recognition of steadfast, unwavering truth as revealed to us by God Himself and the full and active dependence on that truth to BE true for us.

So again…

God IS. And BY FAITH He is ours and we are His.

That statement, fully understood and embraced can have a dramatic, positive impact on every marriage in the room.

It’s the foundation underneath everything we pondered in session 1 – Your individual commitments to Jesus.

It’s the truth that motivates the unified and diligent pursuit of ongoing communication we considered in session 2.

It’s the basis for unity and deep connection we highlighted in session 3.

A.W. Tozer said,

“What comes into our minds when we think about God is the most important thing about us. … Worship is pure or base as the worshiper entertains high or low thoughts of God. For this reason the gravest question before the Church is always God Himself, and the most portentous fact about any man is not what he at a given time may say or do, but what he in his deep heart conceives God to be like.” ~ in “The Knowledge of the Holy” (www.CareyGreen.com/Tozer-Holy)

So I’d like to wrap up our time with a deeper examination of the first part of this statement – GOD IS.

So turn with me to Exodus 34, the passage where God first revealed Himself clearly and intimately. I want us to hear, from His lips, what He expresses about Himself.

God IS

Context:

Israel has been delivered from Egypt through horrible plagues, judgments of God.
God led them to Sinai where Moses received the law.
While Moses was on the mountain receiving the law, the people cajoled Aaron into making an idol for them, and they forsook God.
God told Moses what was going on, so he headed down the mountain.
When he arrived and saw the reality of what was happening, he lost his cool – smashed the stone tablets God had provided, ground up the golden calf, laced the water with it, and made the people drink.
He also gathered the sons of Levi (who is on the Lord’s side) and sent them among the people to slaughter their own kinsmen (3000 died).
Moses heads back up the mountain to intercede for the people.

The LORD said to Moses, “Cut for yourself two tablets of stone like the first, and I will write on the tablets the words that were on the first tablets, which you broke. 2 Be ready by the morning, and come up in the morning to Mount Sinai, and present yourself there to me on the top of the mountain. 3 No one shall come up with you, and let no one be seen throughout all the mountain. Let no flocks or herds graze opposite that mountain.” 4 So Moses cut two tablets of stone like the first. And he rose early in the morning and went up on Mount Sinai, as the LORD had commanded him, and took in his hand two tablets of stone. 5 The LORD descended in the cloud and stood with him there, and proclaimed the name of the LORD. 6 The LORD passed before him and proclaimed, “The LORD, the LORD, a God merciful and gracious, slow to anger, and abounding in steadfast love and faithfulness, 7 keeping steadfast love for thousands, forgiving iniquity and transgression and sin, but who will by no means clear the guilty, visiting the iniquity of the fathers on the children and the children’s children, to the third and the fourth generation.” 8 And Moses quickly bowed his head toward the earth and worshiped. ~ Exodus 34:1-8

What we just read REALLY happened on this planet.

There is a REAL Mount Sinai where a REAL man named Moses met the living God.

Let that sink in. Let it squeeze past your daily, normal, altogether earthly existence and realize that the infinite, super-natural, limitless God has made Himself known to us.

Here is what He reveals about Himself:

The LORD, the LORD (the I Am, the I Am)

There are at least 10 things the name Yahweh, “I AM,” says about God:

www.CareyGreen.com/I-AM

He never had a beginning. Every child asks, “Who made God?” And every wise parent says, “Nobody made God. God simply is. And always was. No beginning.”

God will never end. If he did not come into being he cannot go out of being, because he is being.

God is absolute reality. There is no reality before him. There is no reality outside of him unless he wills it and makes it. He is all that was eternally. No space, no universe, no emptiness. Only God.

God is utterly independent. He depends on nothing to bring him into being or support him or counsel him or make him what he is.

Everything that is not God depends totally on God. The entire universe is utterly secondary. It came into being by God and stays in being moment by moment on God’s decision to keep it in being.

All the universe is by comparison to God as nothing. Contingent, dependent reality is to absolute, independent reality as a shadow to substance. As an echo to a thunderclap. All that we are amazed by in the world and in the galaxies, is, compared to God, as nothing.

God is constant. He is the same yesterday, today, and forever. He cannot be improved. He is not becoming anything. He is who he is.

God is the absolute standard of truth and goodness and beauty. There is no law-book to which he looks to know what is right. No almanac to establish facts. No guild to determine what is excellent or beautiful. He himself is the standard of what is right, what is true, what is beautiful.

God does whatever he pleases and it is always right and always beautiful and always in accord with truth. All reality that is outside of him he created and designed and governs as the absolute reality. So he is utterly free from any constraints that don’t originate from the counsel of his own will.

God is the most important and most valuable reality and person in the universe. He is more worthy of interest and attention and admiration and enjoyment than all other realities, including the entire universe.

Q: What impact does it have on you to realize that the I AM is God over your marriage?

merciful and gracious

After what Israel had done, Moses went up the mountain to plead for God’s mercy on the people, and God emphasizes His mercy and grace.

Mercy = not receiving what you deserve. Grace = receiving what you don’t deserve.

In your marriage thus far, you’ve each undoubtedly done and said and felt things you should not have done or said or felt. God’s mercies are new this morning (Lamentations 3:22-23).

But more than that, His grace is sufficient for you (2 Corinthians 12:9).

The great I AM has committed Himself to help you going forward.

Q: What stirs in your soul as you realize that truth?

slow to anger

So different than us. Let the contrast stir up amazement in you.

NO impatience. NO irritation. NO frustration. NO short fuse. THANK GOD!

No matter our offenses, failures, sins against God or against each other, He is slow to become angry.

He’s not looking down on us wishing we’d hurry up and get our act together.

He’s not poised with his cosmic fly-swatter, waiting for one more failure.

He is SLOW to anger.

Q: Any relief that flows out of that truth? What does it motivate you to do in response?

abounding in steadfast love and faithfulness, keeping steadfast love for thousands

Abounding – I love that word. Like a river, it just keeps on flowing.

Steadfast – resolutely or dutifully firm and unwavering

Steadfast love – Unwavering love, resolute love, firm love. Not like human love, not prone to variation, not contingent in any way. As gravity holds us to the planet irrespective of our actions or attitudes about it, God’s love holds us to Himself.

Faithfulness – unfailingly loyal to us and to His word (1 John 1:9)

And He’s capable of doing so for THOUSANDS.

OUR NEXT 10 YEARS: What we are likely to experience. Role of God’s abounding steadfast love and faithfulness.

It’s who He is.

Q: Describe the assurance and peace that thought produces in you. What can you do to arrange for reminders to yourself?

forgiving iniquity and transgression and sin

This is what the church has come to equate the gospel with – forgiveness of sins.

But stop for a moment and make it personal to you and your marriage.

Nothing is a deal-breaker. Nothing is too big. Nothing ever will be.

Through Christ, God has committed to forgive.

Q: Does courage rise up in you as the fullness of this truth settles on your soul? Tell us what you’re feeling…

but who will by no means clear the guilty, visiting the iniquity of the fathers on the children and the children’s children, to the third and the fourth generation.

This is the scary part, at first.

It speaks of God’s justice, His commitment to ALWAYS holding transgressors to account. Nobody and nothing will be overlooked.

All WILL be called to account.

But for us who are IN CHRIST, this passage takes on a new meaning.

In His justice He requires the sentence for our sin be carried out, and in His love, he provides propitiation.

Propitiation – a beautiful Bible word. Providing satisfaction for offenses committed, resulting in reconciliation.

For us, God keeps His word in that He does NOT clear us of our guilt, instead He atones for it. Through Jesus all is made right for us with God.

This means you don’t have to fear God’s judgment about transgressions in the history of your marriage.

You can receive the mercy of God through Christ’s sacrifice and have confidence that you have a new start.

“The LORD, the LORD, a God merciful and gracious, slow to anger, and abounding in steadfast love and faithfulness, 7 keeping steadfast love for thousands, forgiving iniquity and transgression and sin, but who will by no means clear the guilty, visiting the iniquity of the fathers on the children and the children’s children, to the third and the fourth generation.” 8 And Moses quickly bowed his head toward the earth and worshiped.

Great is Thy faithfulness, oh God my Father,

there is no shadow of turning with Thee.

Thou changest not, Thy compassions, they fail not.

As Thou hast been, Thou forever will be.

Great is Thy faithfulness.

Morning by morning new mercies I see.

All I have needed Thy hand hath provided.

Great is Thy faithfulness Lord, unto me.

Pardon for sin and a peace that endureth,

Thine own dear presence to cheer and to guide.

Strength for today and bright hope for tomorrow.

Blessings, all mine, with ten thousand beside.

Great is Thy faithfulness.

Morning by morning new mercies I see.

All I have needed Thy hand hath provided.

Great is Thy faithfulness Lord, unto me.

Categories : Marriage, Podcast

The 3rd “C” of a Christ-Honoring Marriage: Connection [Ep 98]

Posted by Carey

· Thursday, November 16th, 2017

The kind of marriage connection you want is possible…

But you have to understand that it’s built upon other things – the individual relationships you and your spouse have with God through Christ, AND the healthy, ongoing communication you establish with each other.

Only then, can the connection and unity you desire in your marriage come to fruition.

This episode is the 3rd talk I gave at a recent marriage retreat on the 3 Cs of a Christ-honoring marriage.

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Categories : Marriage, Podcast

097 - Christian marriage communication - YT

Christian Marriage: Communication is Key – part 2 of 4 [Ep 97]

Posted by Carey

· Thursday, November 9th, 2017

In a Christian marriage, communication is one of the foundational things that enables man and wife to live together in harmony.

But more important is the WHY it’s so vital. It’s because without communication a wife and her husband are unable to understand the state of the other’s ongoing commitment to Christ and be of benefit to them in that journey.

This audio is the 2nd in a series of talks I gave recently at a marriage retreat. We had some technical issues with my recording device (cell phone interference) but I believe the content is valuable enough to ask you to struggle through the tech issues and glean some benefit anyway.

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Categories : Marriage, Podcast

How to rebuild marital trust

Posted by Carey

· Friday, March 25th, 2016

If you’re wondering how to build marital trust, it’s really pretty simple.

You’ve got to learn how to be entirely open with each other.

Yes, I know it’s hard. It’s worse than hard – it’s almost impossible.

But you’ve GOT to learn it if you’re going to build trust the way it is SUPPOSED to be in marriage.

Here’s an example for you…

One of the most devastating examples of broken trust in marriage is in the case of adultery.

What was once a naive trust on the part of the offended partner is jerked into reality with the delicacy of a train wreck.

Why do I call it “naive trust?” Because that’s what it is… trust based on assumptions and expectations – not on the reality of what’s going on in the offending spouse’s heart.

But if both partners had been committed to actively maintaining open, honest, entirely transparent communication between each other the marital trust would have been protected through loving accountability.

But that’s not what normally happens in marriages these days.

Partners rely on the assumption and expectation of faithfulness – which is valid to do. After all, he/she made a vow to be faithful, right? Yes, but vows have to be carried out in real life, and real life doesn’t play nice. The best of intentions can be derailed in an unguarded moment – just ask Simon Peter.

And if that unguarded moment comes to a husband or wife who’s already withholding things from his/her spouse – there’s no context of accountability that exists, no obvious reminder of the vows that have been made.

So what am I advocating? That couples build marital trust by telling each other EVERYTHING.

Yes, everything.

In every situation.

All the time.

I mean, think it through…

What does it mean to “be one” in marriage if things are intentionally withheld? Nothing. It’s a nice sounding phrase without truth beneath it.

The couple is deceiving themselves and each other, thinking they are closer, more secure in their relationship than they really are.

And the train wreck will come.

It may not be adultery… it could be abandonment, or a sudden divorce, or increasing distance that results in separate lives.

Whatever it is, it’s coming – simply because the couple is not actively working to prevent it.

It really is that simple.

Steps to building marital trust.

1 Confess and repent.

You’ve got to start over, to clean the slate and begin again.

That process starts with confession of what you’ve done wrong (lack of openness?) and turning toward what you know is right (honesty and transparency in all things).

Read this blog post together.
Let it spark an open discussion.
Assess where you are and repent together.
Ask God for His help and wisdom as you chart a new course.

2 Make a newfound commitment to openness.

Talk about why you haven’t been entirely honest with each other up to this point in your marriage. Be honest 😉

Is it because of…

Insecurity?
Fear?
Bitterness?
Resentment?
Habit?
Laziness?
Busy-ness?
Foolishness?
A combination of these?

Each of you may have different reasons that have combined to make things what they are.

Commit together that things are going to change and that your marriage is going to become healthier as a result.

If you don’t begin thinking in that direction together, who will?

3 Be intentional about your decision.

If you don’t determine a course of action, you’ll naturally drift back into the habits of non-communication you have been stuck in.

Plan your time together. I recommend daily.

You need to regularly know the pulse of each other’s souls in order to live as “one.”

You need to feel confident that there’s nothing hidden in your partner’s heart.

THAT is what loving accountability is… the comfort of knowing that someone who loves you knows everything – and will help you stay on track.

Grab a tool to help you get started. A study or book that provokes conversation is a good place to begin.

4 Fight to build the new habit.

Commitments and good intentions are great but they don’t last very long.

You’re going to hit a point where you are tugged back into the rut you’ve been in.

It’s at that point that you have to kill the things that threaten your commitment.

It will be hard.

You will have to fight.

But it’s worth it.

And with God’s help you will begin to see marital trust rise to new levels.

That’s my prayer for you. That’s what I know the LORD Himself desires for you.

What is the first step you need to take in order to address this issue – right now? Go do it.

Categories : Marriage

Tags : couples, honesty, marital trust, marriage, openness, partner, rebuild trust, spouse, transparency, trust in marriage, trust my spouse

After you discover her affair…

Posted by Carey

· Friday, December 4th, 2015

Every marriage that breaks down is different.

But there are similarities that I’ve learned to look for that indicate whether a couple is truly ready to do the hard work necessary to repair a broken marriage.

What are those things?

Brokenness
Humility
Ownership of their issues
Willingness to repent
Sorrow

I don’t honestly know why I feel I should share this, but I do. Maybe there is someone who will read it who needs to hear something I’m about to write, I don’t know.

What I’m about to relay is the beginning of an interaction I’ve had with a man who contacted me about the possibility of he and his wife engaging in one of our intensive counseling sessions.

I trust there’s something here to help you, to bless you, to encourage you to do the hard work your marriage needs.

Joe (not his real name) discovered that his wife was engaged in what he called an “emotional affair.”

Thankfully, he quickly saw the part he had played in driving her to that place:

inattention
working too much
money and success had become his gods
meanness toward her
harshness toward their 7 year old son

When Joe contacted me everything had already come out.

He and his wife had each been crying constantly for days. They had attended church together the previous Sunday and had cried for most of the service. The church leadership came alongside to make recommendations of counselors to see.

Joe contacted me after the idea of an intensive counseling weekend came to his mind.

A quick Google search later and we were connected.

From everything I heard from Joe as we interacted via email, he and his wife both sounded like they were in a good place to receive help.

Joe emailed me as they worked through our application process… giving me an update on their situation. Here is the reply I sent back…

We are praying. Trusting the LORD to do all that is needed for both of you in His perfect timing. I’m encouraged by the progress I see already.

Continue loving your wife well my brother. You will need to persistently take the lead in love. Her full repentance will flow out of the evidence she sees of yours.

And instead of focusing on forgiveness of the man in question, focus on entrusting him, and the wrong he’s done, to God. God will deal with him exactly as he deserves, either through discipline if he remains unrepentant, or through grace if he turns to Christ. Either way, God’s justice will be done. You can rest easy knowing that as you continue to work out your own repentance. That is your only concern right now… the log in your own eye.

Trusting God with those who have hurt you is a difficult thing.

Especially when it’s your spouse – and someone else they turned to in place of you.

The instinct is to retaliate, to make them pay, maybe even seek revenge on the “other man.”

But healing will never come as long as you stay in that place.

Joe had it right. He knew that he had as much to do with his wife’s affair as she did. I’m not saying it’s his fault. I’m saying that affairs don’t happen out of the blue.

There are many, many things that pile up over the years that contribute to the final inner pain that pushes a spouse over that line, in most cases.

Joe listed plenty of them in his own life, and every one was right on the mark.

If you want to start moving toward healing, you’ve got to let go of the pain and your right to see somebody pay.

That’s the only way you can see clearly to deal with your own sin and junk. Just listen to Jesus’ words…

Why do you see the speck that is in your brother’s eye, but do not notice the log that is in your own eye? Or how can you say to your brother, ‘Let me take the speck out of your eye,’ when there is the log in your own eye? You hypocrite, first take the log out of your own eye, and then you will see clearly to take the speck out of your brother’s eye. – Matthew 7:3-5

Your marriage can’t heal with that log in your eye.

Do you see the hilarious picture Jesus paints (who said Jesus isn’t funny?)?

Here’s somebody with a stinkin’ log in his eye. It’s a hazard to anyone who comes near. Everytime he turns his head, he whacks somebody with it. And he’s concerned about a tiny little speck in another person’s eye. If he doesn’t get rid of that log, he’s going to knock them out, not help them.

A broken marriage is an ideal time to deal with logs. It’s one of those times in life when the tenderness of your wounds makes you aware of all kinds of other things… especially the things that caused the wounds. Dealing with the log is accepting that you had a part to play, even if the other person is “to blame.”

Get humble.

Get broken.

Work on addressing that log.

Then you’re ready for God to do something marvelous.

Categories : Marriage

Sex is not about pleasure

Posted by Carey

· Wednesday, July 29th, 2015

When you think of sex, it’s natural to think of pleasure. The tabloid’s obviously do…

“How to drive him crazy in Bed.”

“10 tips for amazing sex.”

The goal is clearly the maximization of pleasure. If we learn the right approach, technique, or attitude the amount of pleasure we get from sex will be unbelievable.

But the belief that sex is about pleasure is a false belief.

And Christians have bought into it just like everyone else.

I’ve heard the belief loud and clear in counseling sessions with Christian couples.

His sexual desires are not being met.
She doesn’t feel comfortable with things in their sexual life.
He wants her to try something new – and he’s upset because she’s hesitant.
She simply doesn’t enjoy sex.

All of those may be problems of a sort that need to be worked through. But at the foundation of those struggles is the belief that sex is about pleasure.

So, I want to say it again…

[tweetthis]Sex is not about pleasure. If you “get” that, you’ll improve your sex life, guaranteed.[/tweetthis]

If sex is not about pleasure, what IS it about? Beyond the obvious result of procreation, sex is about two things…

1 Expressing love

2 Service

That’s it.

The “sex is about pleasure” belief promotes sex as a mechanical act for the sake of personal enjoyment.

When sex is approached in that way it’s purely self-serving.

There’s no love in it. There’s no sense of service.

It’s more like what you see on Animal Planet, a physical act driven by a primal instinct, and nothing more.

[tweetthis]As human beings, God intended sex to be more than animal instinct – because we are more than animals.[/tweetthis]

We are made in the image of God.

Though there’s much debate about what it means to be made in God’s image, it means at least this:

The soulish part of us (mind, will, emotion) is somehow like Him. Because of that, there is more involved in human sexuality than simply a physical act.

In “becoming one” through sex (a euphemism used by the scriptures) all of us is involved.

We are to be intentional about sex, expressing love on purpose, serving our spouse thoughtfully through pleasing them in a physical way.

The expression of love and service through sex means a lot of things:

Sex is about love and service, going both ways.

If they don’t like it, you don’t push it. No matter what it is. Period.

There is probably need to talk through these kinds of issues to gain a clearer understanding of each other.
In doing so, you might discover that your spouse is uncomfortable because there’s something morally questionable about the practice you’re considering.
You may find that your desire for that practice is rooted more in your past life of sin than in your present life as a Saint.
You may uncover abuses or insecurities from the past that need to be worked through and healed.
And you will surely discover things involved in the sex act, from your spouse’s perspective, that will enable you to love and serve him/her better.

If your partner is uncomfortable with something, you back off until they are comfortable. Even if they never are.

Love and service demand that your care for your partner should outweigh your desire for a particular sexual practice.
Love is patient and kind (1 Corinthians 3:4). Never forget that when speaking to your partner about sexual desires and issues.
Pushing someone into something they are uncomfortable with is inconsiderate at best. At worst, it’s akin to rape.
Your spouse’s well-being should be among your highest priorities. Your attitude about sexual things/practices should reflect that.

Sexual love in marriage is to be spouse-centric, not you-centric.

Learn what your partner needs from the sex act and aim toward meeting that need. It’s not always going to be physical in nature.
If your partner expresses a desire for a sexual experience with you you’ve not considered, prayerfully consider it in light of scripture.
If you know your spouse enjoys a particular thing during sex, consider how you can bless/love them by doing it for them.
Think about sex from your partner’s perspective and seek ways to be a blessing to him/her sexually. (Good conversations will reveal their perspective).

And I’m sure there’s a lot more…

But the point is this:

If both spouses are approaching their sexual life together with love/service attitudes, both of them will be blessed and their sexual life will grow into maturity over time.

I know there are seeming contradictions in those things…

The tension between what you are comfortable with and what your spouse may desire.
The sexual desires you have that may, at least for now, be at odds with what is most loving to your spouse.
The ability to lovingly supply a sexual blessing to your spouse when that very act is difficult for you.

Those are very real tensions, not easily dealt with. What do you do with them?

You work to grow in spiritual maturity.
You learn to walk by the Spirit and be a conduit for His fruit (Galatians 5:22-23).
You humble yourself under the mighty hand of God, and trust Him to lift you up in due time (1 Peter 5:6).

[tweetthis]Wisdom in sexual things requires maturity, & maturity doesn’t come easy or fast.[/tweetthis]

But you can get started.

I’d love to hear your thoughts on this issue.

What have your struggles been?

How have you navigated these tensions between desire and consideration?

Leave your comments below.

Categories : Marriage

Broken Together – the only way marriage works – Casting Crowns [video]

Posted by Carey

· Friday, June 5th, 2015

I love the message of Casting Crown’s new video “Broken Together”

In our media-saturated world seldom do I see a video that truly captures the hopes, struggles, pain, and humble reliance on God that are truly needed to make a Christ-centered, God-honoring marriage possible.

This one does a good job of it.

I love how it portrays the childhood dreams we humans have of male/female relationship, and how we truly are broken together as we walk alongside each other in that journey.

It takes two people – husband and wife – each submitting their own desires and needs to the good of the other. And that’s never easy.

Broken together is a perfect phrase, a perfect expression of what it really looks like to be married for the long haul in submission to God’s greater plans for us and the world.

The video reminds me of the many times I’ve hurt my dear wife – and the many struggles we’ve had to come to resolution and joy once again.

Watch “Broken Together” by Casting Crowns and leave your impressions in the comments below.

I’d love to hear how the video impacts you.

Categories : Marriage

Tags : broken together, casting crowns

You’ve changed: Navigating the seasons of marriage [blog]

Posted by Carey

· Wednesday, April 22nd, 2015

“You’ve changed!”

“What happened to the man (woman) I married?”

Such phrases are often thrown out as accusations, as if the act of getting married cements personality, habits, and preferences in place, never to change again.

But that’s not how it is, is it?

It sounds stupid now, but when I first married, I didn’t expect my wife to change…

I misunderstood my wife a lot when we were first married. So I worked hard to understand her… a good thing, but there was something I didn’t expect… once I “understood” her, she’d change!

No, I wasn’t a moron, just naive and inexperienced.

Here’s how it worked…

I’d do my best to understand her and her preferences about a given thing or situation (a good thing).

Once I understood I’d make a quick note, mentally and sometimes physically. Then I’d treat her according to what I finally understood. I’d be careful. I’d work hard at it. I wanted to remember. I wanted to live with her in an understanding way (1 Peter 3:7). I wanted to nail it down so that I’d never, ever hurt her again because I didn’t understand her.

Then it happened. My carefully crafted understanding of my wife turned out to be wrong… and it wasn’t because I had misunderstood.

You’ve changed! 🙁

The first time my carefully devised plan of understand collapsed, I was dumbfounded. I couldn’t figure out what had gone wrong.

I’d worked hard to understand her.
I’d asked LOTS of questions and she gave me honest answers.
I’d figured it out.
I didn’t miss anything.

What went wrong?

Nothing went wrong. My wife had changed.

Growth and change bring certain challenges

Everyone changes. That’s because everyone grows… or at least should be growing.

My spouse is no different and neither is yours.

Don’t let the changing seasons of marriage drive you to resentment…

I often refer to the changes as “seasons.” One will last for a while, then another slowly overtakes it.

My tendency is to think that the first “season” is the way things should be, that things will stay that way indefinitely.

But that’s not the way life is, is it?

The circumstances of life bring change, and changing circumstances force us to change.

We have to navigate the crisis, disappointments, and hurts life brings our way. We have to learn how to endure, to understand, and overcome.

That forces us to grow. It forces us to change long-held beliefs and preferences. It pushes us to become more flexible, more understanding, and hopefully, wiser.

And if we won’t grow, we become entrenched in attempts to control our world. That only leads us to become ingrown and dysfunctional.

Changes are especially difficult to manage in marriage

But I’m glad for them, all the same. Why?

Because they force my wife and I together. They force us to keep working to understand each other. They force us to communicate and endure, together.

Those are the things that make a good marriage, they are the “weights” we have to lift in order to for our relationship to become stronger.

And best of all, God is sovereign over the whole process.

We can trust Him to guide us each step, to provide what we need to take the right steps, and to empower us to love and understand our spouses as we should.

Your spouse has changed… how have you handled it?

How have you weathered the changes in your spouse and in your marriage? If you need help – reach out for it!

How have you navigated the changes of life? Have you done it together, as a couple committed to remaining unified and close to each other?

How have you handled the reality of a changing spouse?

Has resentment built in your heart? Have you found yourself getting frustrated with the “inconsistency” of your spouse?

Have you demanded that your spouse extend grace to you but have been unwilling to do the same for them?

Remember, you’re on the same team. You’re “one” (Mark 10:8).

You are meant to draw strength from each other, to lean on each other, to support one another through the seasons of life.

How are you doing with that? Do you need help getting back to that place?

God is here, to help you in the changes of life. Let Him.

You’ve changed! Yes, I have. And I’m glad. 🙂

Categories : Marriage

Say it to him

Posted by Carey

· Friday, October 10th, 2014

Your husband needs you to say it to him.

Don’t assume he knows.

Never assume.

Make sure that the things you value about him are spoken… clearly and often.

When you say it, you will help him beyond what you can imagine.

As a man, he’s got deep seated insecurities about himself. He wonders if he’s man enough, strong enough, capable enough. You may think he doesn’t struggle with that kind of stuff, but that’s just because he’s snowed you, and possibly himself. The doubt and insecurities are there.

They’re why he gets angry and defensive so quickly. Why compassion is not one of his strong suits. It’s why he is so driven at work, play, and everything else.

He’s trying to prove himself: to you, to himself, and maybe to a parent (living or dead) or a critical teacher or coach from his past.

And the enemy assails him with lies about those things every day.

And YOU, his WIFE are the only one who can dispel those lies. You’re the only one who can help him know the truth about himself.

Your husband needs you to say it to him.

What is it he needs to hear you say?

Here’s a starter list, but you need to come up with a list of your own based on your experience together.

Ladies please, take this seriously.

You don’t know how much it could do for your husband, if you’d only say it to him.

I’d marry you all over again.

You make me happy.

I can’t get enough of you.

I want to spend more time with you.

You are handsome.

I never want to leave you.

You are all man.

Let’s plan a weekend getaway just for the two of us.

I long for more of you.

Your goals are important to me.

I love caring for you.

I want you to know how proud I am of you.

I’m in this with you.

I’m glad you’re the father of our children.

You make me feel like a woman.

After Christ, You are God’s greatest blessing to me.

I’m glad I married you.

What you think matters to me.

When can I have some alone time with you?

Do you know that I’d never trade you for anyone else?

I love your ___________________ (laugh, smile, face, eyes, etc.).

I value you more than anything.

You are a gift to me.

My heart is fully yours.

You don’t have to worry about me being faithful to you, because I am and always will be.

You satisfy me.

How are you doing, really?

I enjoy learning more about you.

I’m thankful for how you provide for the family.

I see Jesus in you in this way…

I never get tired of you.

Would you like to go on a date with me?

I missed you today.

Do you know how much I love you?

I’m so drawn to your manliness.

I’m glad we can walk through the difficulties of life together.

I love you more today than I did yesterday.

There’s no person more important to me than you.

I care about what is important to you.

I want to understand you more and more.

I love your heart.

Say it to him.

Wives, don’t just read this list and nod your head.

Don’t just think of it as a good idea.

Take action. Call him. Go to him.

Now.

Tell him how you really feel.

Say it to him.

Then… say it again. Every day.

Tell him over and over and over.

In time, he’ll come to believe it.

But he never will if you don’t say it to him.

What if you can’t say it to him?

This will sound harsh – but you need to repent.

You’ve allowed your eyes or mind or heart to be drawn away from the wonderful gift the LORD gave you.

I know there may be hurts that have caused it. I know he may deserve your rejection.

But I also know that you are called by God to love and respect Him (Ephesians 5:33). And I know that God has given you His Holy Spirit to enable you to do it. It’s important because that respect is part of what will enable him to overcome his insecurities and anger and pride.

That’s a calling of self-sacrifice, not self-defense. It’s a calling to be the most noble example of womanhood that exists; a self-giving, serve-him-when-he-doesn’t-deserve-it womanliness that our world hardly sees anymore.

You can do it because Jesus is in you. He desires to do it through you.

So repent and start making things right with your husband.

Apologize for your part in the pain. Tell him that you want more, that you want God’s best for your marriage.

And get help if you need it.

Don’t let pride or hurt or humiliation or fear keep you from acting.

Be woman of God and watch God to the work of restoration.

Here’s a love song that stirs my heart every time I hear it.

Imagine what your husband would feel if he knew that these were your feelings toward him.

Let it move you. Let it motivate you to love your husband well.

Then, go say what you need to say.

This song is from Jenny and Tyler. It’s called, “As Long as Our Hearts are Beating.”

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Categories : Family Foundations, Marriage

Tags : marriage healing, marriage hurts, say it to him

Say it to her

Posted by Carey

· Monday, September 29th, 2014

Your wife needs you to say it to her.

Don’t assume she knows.

Never assume.

Make sure that the things you value about her are spoken… clearly and often.

When you say it, you will help her beyond what you can imagine.

She’s got deep seated insecurities about herself as a woman. She wonders if she’s woman enough, pretty enough, satisfying enough…

And the enemy assails her with lies about those things every day.

And YOU, her HUSBAND are the only one who can dispel those lies. You’re the only one who can help her know the truth about herself.

Your wife needs you to say it to her.

What is it she needs to hear you say?

Here’s a starter list, but you need to come up with one of your own based on your experience together, based on what is true of your wife and your knowledge of her.

Guys, take this seriously.

You don’t know how much it could do for your wife, if you’d only say it to her.

I’d marry you all over again.

You make me happy.

I can’t get enough of you.

I want to spend more time with you.

You are beautiful.

Divorce is never an option.

You are all woman.

Let’s plan a weekend getaway just for the two of us.

I long for more of you.

Your emotions are never a bother to me.

I love caring for you.

I’d give my life to save yours.

I’m in this with you.

I’m glad you’re the mother of my children.

You make me feel like a man.

After Christ, You are God’s greatest blessing to me.

I’m glad I married you.

What you feel matters to me.

I’ll never leave you.

When can I have some alone time with you?

You are enough.

Do you know that I’d never trade you for anyone else?

I love your ___________________ (laugh, smile, face, eyes, etc.).

I value you more than anything.

You are a gift to me.

My heart is fully yours.

You don’t have to worry about me being faithful to you, because I am and always will be.

You satisfy me.

How is your heart?

I enjoy learning more about you.

I’m proud of you.

I see Jesus in you in this way…

I never get tired of you.

Would you like to go on a date with me?

I missed you today.

Do you know how much I love you?

I’m captivated by you.

I’m glad we can walk through the difficulties of life together.

I love you more today than I did yesterday.

There’s no person more important to me than you.

I care about what you feel.

I want to understand you more and more.

I love your heart.

Say it to her

Husbands, don’t just read this list and nod your head.

Don’t just think of it as a good idea.

Take action. Call her. Go to her.

Now.

Tell her how you really feel.

Say it to her.

Then… say it again. Every day.

Tell her over and over and over.

In time, she’ll come to believe it.

But she never will if you don’t say it to her.

What if you can’t say it to her?

This will sound harsh – but you need to repent.

You’ve allowed your eyes or mind or heart to be drawn away from the wonderful gift the LORD gave you.

I know there may be hurts that have caused it. I know she may deserve your rejection.

But I also know that you are called by God to lover her like Jesus loves His church (Ephesians 5:25). And I know that God has given you His Holy Spirit to enable you to do it.

That’s a calling of self-sacrifice, not self-defense. It’s a calling to be the most noble example of manhood that exists; a self-giving, lay-down-your-life-for-her manliness that our world hardly sees anymore.

You can do it because Jesus is in you. He desires to do it through you.

So repent and start making things right with your wife.

Apologize for your part in the pain. Tell her that you want more, that you want God’s best for your marriage.

And get help if you need it.

Don’t let pride or hurt or humiliation or fear keep you from acting.

Be a man. Be a man of God and watch God to the work of restoration.

Here’s a love song that stirs my heart every time I hear it.

Listen to the devotion and depth of emotion in the voice of the man who sings this.

Imagine what he must feel for his dear wife.

And let it move you. Let it motivate you to love your wife well.

Then, go say what you need to say.

This song is from Jenny and Tyler. It’s called, “As Long as Our Hearts are Beating.”

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Categories : Family Foundations, Marriage

Tags : husbands love your wives, marriage healing, marriage hurts, say it to her

My husband hates me – part 2

Posted by Carey

· Friday, July 25th, 2014

Quite a while back I wrote a post called “My Husband Hates Me… at least it feels that way.”

You can find the original post here – “My husband hates me… at least it seems that way.”

That post has gotten more comments than any post I’ve written. I’m sure that’s in part because of the felt-need nature of the post.

Recently I got another comment on the post from a woman who calls herself “Frustrated.” Her situation is all too common.

Before I share here question and my reply, let me say this…

There is nothing more delicate than trying to give advice to a hurting wife. Emotions are already high and the risk of additional hurt being done through the advice is high as well. My desire is to help. But to really help, truth has to be spoken. It’s seldom easy to hear, especially when you’re already in the throes of a difficult or hurtful situation. But it’s the only thing that will provide the kind of wisdom that is truly needed.

Here’s what “Frustrated” wrote to me…

The passage that comes to mind most readily for you is 1 Peter 2: 21-23

For to this you have been called, because Christ also suffered for you, leaving you an example, so that you might follow in His steps. He committed no sin, neither was deceit found in His mouth. When He was reviled, He did not revile in return; when He suffered, He did not threaten, but continued entrusting Himself to Him who judgest justly.

If I may, let me unpack it a bit for you…

You and I have been called to follow the example of Christ. That is primary to our lives, not just this situation. We get to follow in His steps. It’s an honor, a privilege to do so.
Part of His example is in how He suffered. His suffering was like no other because He was truly innocent! Talk about unjust treatment!
So how did Jesus handle the unjust treatment He received? (1) – He did not revile in return. So in your situation, you are not to respond in kind to your husband. I know it hurts, but like Jesus, you have the honor of responding with love, not hate. You can show your husband love through your humble responses. I know it’s hard, but God gives us the power to do what He calls us to do. (2) He continued entrusting Himself to the Father, who He knew would judge justly. Amazing… that Jesus relied on the Father like that. What an example for us! What Peter is telling us is that Jesus trusted that God the Father was allowing everything He experienced for His good purposes, and that in His good time, the Father would do what was right in His situation. Those who maligned and mistreated Him will be judged rightly. The injustice will be called to account.

My dear sister, the same is true in your case. As you walk humbly before God and respond in love to your husband, you can trust God to use even the pain and discomfort of your situation for good (Romans 8:28). You can also trust Him to make all things right. He will deal with your husband for his mistreatment of you. It’s an issue God takes very seriously (1 Peter 3:7). You can trust Him to do what is right and to care for you as His daughter even in the difficult situation you face.

I am praying for you and for your husband… that God will grab His heart and redeem it, making him into a man like Jesus.

What matters most for a hurting wife or a hurting husband is not the comfort God may bring, or the assurance He might give.

What matters most is that they, as the victim of injustice, entrust themselves to God, who will judge rightly. It’s one of the hardest steps of trust that anyone has to take, but it’s essential to reflect Christ and to walk in His ways.

It’s hard because our emotions cry out for deliverance and justice – and they should. But the real healing comes in knowing that our powerful God can be trusted to appropriately deal with the abuser and rightly care for the abused.

We can rest in Him, and trust His timing and judgment.

Here’s a song that ministered to my soul once, long ago, when I felt that the pain was too great.

Listen carefully. Let the truths of this song by Leslie Phillips soothe your heart.

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Categories : Family Foundations, Marriage

Tags : abuse in marriage, domestic violence, hurtful relationships, hurting wife, marital abuse, my husband hates me

Podast 79 – How to destroy the ones you love

Posted by Carey

· Wednesday, July 2nd, 2014

If you’re not careful, you will destroy the ones you love, without even knowing it. Here’s how to find out if you are, and what you can do about it.

Or if you are using a “podcatcher” here is the feed address: https://christianhomeandfamily.com/feed/podcast/

LEAVE FEEDBACK AND A REVIEW ON I-TUNES

This episode is brought to you by… DRAGON SLAYER: BEGINNINGS – Book 1 in my Christian fantasy series. The reviews I’m receiving on this book are both encouraging and incredible. Believe it or not, lives are being changed by this work of fiction. You can get your copy at htttp://www.DragonSlayerBook.com Now, on with the podcast…

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OK, I agree, the title of this episode is a bit weird. I mean, who really WANTS to destroy the people they love?

But the sad fact is that all of us do thing, say things, and neglect things that wind up being hurtful to the people we love the most – our families. And the way that I see people destroy their loved ones more than anything else is not what you might expect.

It’s not through physical violence.
It’s not by neglect.
It’s not by harmful teaching or education.
It’s with words.

When I was a kid there was a taunt we said to each other in an attempt to console ourselves when harsh words came our way. It was, “Sticks and stones can break my bones, but names can never hurt me.” It was and still is, a lie. Words can do at least as much lasting damage as any stick or stone. I still remember hurtful, untrue, vengeful things that have been said to me. Even trial things come to mind sometimes and give me reason to doubt myself, become discouraged, want to give up. I’m sure you have some similar experiences.

Words are powerful, powerful tools for both good and evil.

The Bible says,

Death and life are in the power of the tongue, and those who love it will eat its fruits. (Proverbs 18:21)

Death and life – those are two extremes, two different points on a continuum. One is what we all want, the other is what we all fear. And words have the power to produce both.

So here’s a point I want you to ponder, as a spouse and as a parent.

DO YOU REALIZE THAT YOUR WORDS HAVE THAT KIND OF POWER? Do you recognize that your spouse and your children can be given life by your words, or that they can be destroyed by your words? That’s a lot of power, for good or for evil. Let me ask you a follow-up question: WHAT KIND OF EFFECT ARE YOUR WORDS HAVING? Would the people in your home, your spouse and your kids, say that the typical type of words that come from your mouth are life-giving? Or would they say that what typically comes out of your mouth is destructive? Are the kinds of words you typically use words of encouragement, affirmation, or equipping? Or are they typically critical, negative, and pessimistic. Look at yourself, right now. Look at the relationships in your life. I’m not pushing this so hard because I want you to feel badly about yourself. I’m pushing this because every one of us is prone to self-deception. We don’t see ourselves realistically. We don’t really see how we truly effect others. I want you to step outside the bubble of self-deception and see yourself realistically.

There are two reasons I’m encouraging you toward this kind of clarity about yourself…

#1 – You’ll be able to see yourself realistically SO THAT you can go to God in true sorrow over what you’ve done and what you’ve become. I know, that’s a pretty heavy thing to say. But I say it that way for a reason. The Apostle Paul says it this way,

For godly grief produces a repentance that leads to salvation without regret, whereas worldly grief produces death. (2 Corinthians 7:10)

Sorrow, or grief over what you’ve done and who you’ve become, is the first step toward change. It’s where you have truly come to grips with your own sin and the damage it has done. Once you are there, you are ready to go on to the next step… #2 – You’ll be able to go to God in repentance. Godly repentance is where you take your sorrow to God, asking for forgiveness and the power to change. It’s where God takes your broken and contrite heart and begins to work His miracle of transformation in you as a person. So, here’s the real question…

HOW DO YOU FIND OUT THE EFFECT YOUR WORDS ARE HAVING?

You have to ask the people who are most affected by your words. You’ve got to be brave enough to ask your family members for their honest, nothing-held-back assessment of your words. If you do, and if they’re honest, you’ll see a real picture of how your words are impacting them. When you do, make sure you respond well. You asked for the honest assessment and they were brave enough to give it, so make sure you use it to truly move toward godly sorrow and true repentance. Use their loving criticism to move toward becoming a source of life for them.

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If you’d like to engage with me directly about this topic, please feel free to do so in the comments below. The Christian Home and Family ministry is aimed at helping you develop a legacy of faith in your family that lasts for generations to come. If I can help you toward that end in any way, please contact me. I also invite you to join the CHAF facebook community. Finally, if you would take a few minutes to help spread the word about Christian Home and Family, I believe God would be honored. Go to here to find all the ways you can help.

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Categories : Marriage, Parenting, Podcast

Tags : Christian parenting, destroy your family, taming the tongue, the power of words

Your family needs to know what a failure you are

Posted by Carey

· Friday, June 27th, 2014

Our gut-level human instinct tells us not to admit our failures, especially to our spouse or kids.

For some stupid reason we feel that we have to be able to have it all together in front of those we’re setting the rules for, in front of those we’re leading. Maybe we think we’ll be seen as hypocrites if we fail in front of them, or that they’ll lose respect for us. I guess that could be true on some levels, but I’ve actually discovered an amazing thing…

My wife and kids respect me more when I admit my failures.

Really, it’s true. And I don’t think my family is a group of weirdos who get a kick out of watching me crash and burn.

There are some HUGE benefits to that kind of transparency, for me and for them:

1 I grow in humility.

It’s not possible to overstate how important humility is in the Christian life. I recently read a book on the subject that has changed my life.** I don’t think I’ve ever said that about a book other than the Bible before. Because of a new understanding the LORD is giving me about who I am in light of who He is, I’m seeing day after day how proud I am and how much I need humility. I’m seeing that the more humble I am, the more like Jesus I become. I’m seeing that as a creature before my Creator, I can be nothing but humble. Admitting my failures is an exercise in humility, a setting where I am forced to be honest about who I am before God and in the eyes of my family. I’m beginning to see the opportunity to confess my failures as a wonderful thing, because it grows me in humility and makes me more like my Savior.

2 My wife’s trust in me grows.

When I can be humble enough to admit my mistakes, failures, and sins (and there are many), my wife begins to see me the change that’s happening in me. She starts to see a man who is willing to take a long, hard look at himself, warts and all. She sees a husband who can be trusted with knowing her deepest hurts, fears, and needs. She begins to believe that I’ll care for her more than I care about myself (Ephesians 5:25). That matters to me immensely because it’s something I want to be true of me one day – that I love my wife like Christ loves His church. She needs that kind of husband and I want to be that for her.

3 My children see a real Christian life modeled.

The Christian life is not about becoming more and more perfect, it’s about becoming more and more dependent on our God, Who is perfect. Our walk as Christians is a never-ending exercise of taking our neediness to our LORD’s sufficiency and finding ourselves satisfied in it alone. As we learn to admit our failures – again and again – we find ourselves able to run to the Savior, Who waits with open arms. That is where we find strength, grace, and help in our time of need (Isaiah 40:31 , Hebrews 4:16), and oh, how we need it. When my kids are watching that kind of humble, failure-admitting living take place day after day, they are seeing the Christian life at its most basic level.

They see a Dad who’s honest with himself about himself.
They see a Dad who’s honest about himself before the LORD.
They see a Dad who is able to admit his need and turn to the LORD and others for help.
They see a Dad who is able to ask for forgiveness when he hurts them, which is an incredible relational balm, by the way.
They see a Dad who is NOT in fact a hypocrite, but a real person they can relate to, because they are failures too, remember?.

That is the kind of man my wife and kids need leading our home. A failure who knows he’s a failure, and knows what to do about it.

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Here’s a song about being a failure, a loser, a no-account in human terms, but something much more in God’s sight.

When we can take on the attitude that is prescribed for us in scripture, one that takes pleasure and glory in our own weaknesses, that’s when we will “win.” That’s when God’s power will be able to work to its fullest in our times of weakness.

Categories : Marriage, Parenting, Spirit Health

Tags : Christian humility, christians and failure, failure, family dynamics, grow in humility, how to deal with failure, learn humility, overcome failure, relational health

Podast 78 – Self perception is a fog, and what to do about it

Posted by Carey

· Wednesday, June 25th, 2014

Neither you, nor your kids, see yourselves rightly. Here’s God’s promise to help you see your way clear and bring greater glory to Him…

Or if you are using a “podcatcher” here is the feed address: https://christianhomeandfamily.com/feed/podcast/

LEAVE FEEDBACK AND A REVIEW ON I-TUNES

Now, on with the podcast…

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The more days of life I log on this planet, the more I come to realize that the way we humans perceive ourselves is foggy at best.

There are all kinds of ways it happens, from over-confidence, to lack of confidence, and everything in between. Another example is that we tend toward being unable to see our sin and the consequences of it with any sort of clarity. We excuse things we shouldn’t and condemn things in ourselves that God put there for His divine purposes.

Living in a fog is no fun.

And here’s the sobering thing: Our kids live in the same fog of self-perception. Just like us, they don’t see themselves rightly. They struggle with doubt, condemnation, pride, and a host of other things just like we do. We BOTH need the clarity that only the wisdom of God can provide… and that’s where we are incredibly blessed.

God Himself has promised that if we lack wisdom, there’s an incredible resource at our disposal. Here’s how the Bible states it…

If any of you lacks wisdom, let him ask God, who gives generously to all without reproach, and it will be given him. (James 1:5)

Do you realize how incredible that verse is, for you and your children?

In my mind, it’s one of the most amazing promises evergiven to us. Let’s walk through it…

1 – GOD GIVES WISDOM.

That is truly amazing. We don’t have to stumble along in the fog of what we think and feel and believe. We have access to a wisdom that can cut through the fog.

2 – GOD GIVES WISDOM GENEROUSLY

God is not stingy when handing out His wisdom. He gives it freely, generously, abundantly, to anyone who wants it.

3 – GOD GIVE WISDOM WITHOUT REPROACH

When we go to God for wisdom, God is not going to chide us for not being smarter or for not having things figured out. He’s simply going to give us what we ask for.

4 – ALL WE HAVE TO DO IS ASK FOR IT

There’s no outrageous pricetag on the wisdom of God. He WANTS His children to be wise (like He is). So He freely gives wisdom to us when we ask Him for it.

SO HOW DO WE APPLY THIS INCREDIBLE PROMISE?

1 – Memorize James 1:5 as a family. Talk it over. Make sure everyone understands the amazing gift that God offers.

2 – Encourage everyone in the family to ask God for wisdom daily. Hold each other accountable. Make it a project you work on together.

3 – Follow up. Ask everyone how they’re seeing God’s wisdom come on line in their lives. Share your stories to give your kids examples of what it might look like.

4 – Don’t let it die. Continue to talk about the importance of wisdom. Continue to pray for it as a family. Continue to trust God for the wisdom each of you need to see yourselves and God rightly, as you walk through life.

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If you’d like to engage with me directly about this topic, please feel free to do so in the comments below.

The Christian Home and Family ministry is aimed at helping you develop a legacy of faith in your family that lasts for generations to come. If I can help you toward that end in any way, please contact me.

I also invite you to join the CHAF facebook community.

Finally, if you would take a few minutes to help spread the word about Christian Home and Family, I believe God would be honored. Go to here to find all the ways you can help.

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Categories : Marriage, Parenting, Podcast

Tags : Christian parenting, godly kids, if any of you lacks wisdom, self perception

Podcast 77 – Bad habits start early, but so do good ones

Posted by Carey

· Wednesday, June 18th, 2014

You can take advantage of the power of good habits to set your children on a path toward godliness… it’s in this episode of the podcast.

Or if you are using a “podcatcher” here is the feed address: https://christianhomeandfamily.com/feed/podcast/

LEAVE FEEDBACK AND A REVIEW ON I-TUNES

Now, on with the podcast…

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When I was a kid, I had a terrible habit. I bit my fingernails. It doesn’t sound like such a bad habit, but it wasn’t just the nails themselves, I bit the skin surrounding my finger nails. I even nibbled the skin on the tips of my fingers. My fingers looked like trees after a beaver had gotten a hold of them, little tooth marks everywhere.

I remember trying to break that habit. It was extremely hard. Why? Because it was long-standing. I had begun my finger nibbling, probably around the time I was six years old, but I didn’t try to break it until I was in my mid to late teen years. I was fighting ten years of physical repitition, psychological conditioning, absent-mindedness about the habit, and it wasn’t easy.

I tell you that story to illustrate the power of a habit. But you probably didn’t need the illustration at all. Every one of us has been challenged by the need to kick a habit of one kind or another. Smoking, drugs, cursing, anger, criticism, pride… the list goes on and on, doesn’t it?

When we think of habits, we tend to think of the negative side of the subject, but I want to suggest to you that just like a bad habit starts young and becomes incredibly hard to break – a good habit can be built early, in the life of your children, and can serve them positively for their entire lives.

SO WHAT KIND OF GOOD HABITS WOULD YOU LIKE TO SEE YOUR KIDS (or yourself) DEVELOP? HERE’S TWO THAT I CONSIDER MOST IMPORTANT

#1 – DAILY TIME WITH GOD

Our family has been blessed by God to have the determination to build this habit into the lives of our kids, from the start. I see the fruit of our efforts in their lives. At the time of this recording, my three oldest children are young adults, one of them already married and a father (that makes ME Grand-pop!). The LORD led us to integrate daily time with the LORD into their lives from the time they were able to hold a book. The results have been nothing short of amazing. Today, each of them engages in their own relational time with the LORD in a genuine, life-giving way. It happens at least in part, because they started the habit of setting aside the time to be with the LORD, early in life.

If you’d like to hear more about that, from their own lips, you can at ChristianHomeandFamily.com/73

#2 – GODLY ATTITUDES

The scriptures are full of attitudes that are supposed to be true of believers in Christ. From generosity, to kindness, to humility, the scriptures make it clear that all of us are fully dependent on the Spirit of God to produce those things deep down in our souls. But as parents, we can have a significant impact on our children’s growth in those areas from before the time they are born.

Yes, I said from before the time they are born. So the first thing you should do is begin praying for God to fill them with His Spirit, so that they can then demonstrate the fruit of the Spirit. We began praying for each of our children the moment we knew my wife was pregnant. Once we knew if they were boy or girl (yes, we did find out), we gave them a name and began praying for them by name… all before they sucked in their first breath of oxygen. I believe it had a significant impact on who they are and God’s work in their lives.

Once they were born, we did a number of things to encourage godly attitudes.

First, we made sure that we, the parents, were working on improving those attitudes in our own lives. If you preach one thing and do another, you’ll find rebellion rising up in the heart of your kids. For more on that, see episode 70 of this podcast, at ChristianHomeandFamily.com/70.

Next, we worked hard not to underestimate our kids’ capacity for absorbing the truth of God. We read scripture to them, found scripture-filled children’s music for them, and talked about what the songs and stories were saying. Parent’s, don’t underestimate the Spirit’s power through the word of God. He is able to drench your child with Himself from an early age. John the Baptist was filled with the Spirit in his mother’s womb (Luke 1:15). Why couldn’t your child be significantly shaped by the Spirit from an early age too?

Once our kids were old enough to carry on a conversation, no matter how elementary, we started practicing a number of additional things…

We talked about desirable godly attitudes in positive terms.
We pointed out people who were doing a good job at allowing the Spirit to produce His fruit.
We read them stories of admirable Christians who could serve as role models.
We discussed desired traits repeatedly, covering why the trait in question was so important and what God thought about the issue.
We worked as a family to memorize scriptures that taught about the godly traits we were encouraging.
Once they were old enough to understand the word “no” and what it meant (around 1 year old), we began requiring them to behave in godly ways, even applying discipline when needed, as the scriptures encourage parents to do.

Now don’t misunderstand, we weren’t heavy-handed or stern with our kids. Everything was drenched in love and acceptance, and taught in a spirit of dependence on God to help them do what they were expected to do.

All of this was based on the belief that God will use our efforts as parents as some of the means by which He develops them into the people He wants them to be. My belief is that part of the effectiveness comes from getting our kids started down a path of thinking rightly about godly attitudes and actions, early in life. We’re helping them, guiding them, with the help of the Spirit of God, to develop their own godly habits in the areas of thinking and behavior.

Parents, take this issue seriously. Just like my nail-biting, your kids are GOING TO DEVELOP HABITS. Why wouldn’t you want to proactively help them develop powerfully good ones?

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If you’d like to engage with me directly about this topic, please feel free to do so in the comments below.

I also invite you to join the CHAF facebook community.

Finally, if you would take a few minutes to help spread the word about Christian Home and Family, I believe God would be honored. Go to here to find all the ways you can help.

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Categories : Marriage, Parenting, Podcast

Tags : Christian parenting, godly behavior, godly children, godly kids, good habits

Podcast 76 – Delight in her

Posted by Carey

· Wednesday, June 11th, 2014

Here’s the one thing husbands can do to turn their marriages around…

Or if you are using a “podcatcher” here is the feed address: https://christianhomeandfamily.com/feed/podcast/ LEAVE FEEDBACK AND A REVIEW ON I-TUNES

This episode is brought to you by my men’s event… The Understanding Way Weekend for Christan Husbands. You can find out more at www.ChristianHomeandFamily.com/uww

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There is a lot of joking that happens surrounding the differences between men and women, mainly because the differences are very real. We men see things differently, experience things differently, and think about things differently than our wives do – and as a result, all kinds of things can happen.

Confusion. Conflicts. Disagreements. Even divorce.

But guys, I’m here to tell you that those don’t have to be the outcome for your marriage. There is a whole lot you can do to make a tremendous difference in your marriage.

Do you remember the “damsel in distress” kind of stories?

The ones where the princess is in mortal danger and the knight in shining armor rides in to save the day? Those types of stories resonate with people for a reason: They demonstrate how God has wired us as men and women.

Every woman I’ve ever met, regardless of her background, WANTS her man to treasure her like one of those damsels in distress… not because she’s egotistical, but because she NEEDS that kind of devotion from the man in her life. It’s how God has wired her.

The Apostle Paul said it this way…

However, let each one of you love his wife as himself, and let the wife see that she respects her husband. (Ephesians 5:33).

You may respond, “There’s nothing in there that says my wife NEEDS me to treasure her!” – and I’ll admit, Paul never uses those words. But stop for a second and think it through…

WHY would God give husbands the command to love their lives as much as they love themselves? The answer? Because their wives NEED that kind of love.

In fact, a few verses earlier, we’re told,

In the same way husbands should love their wives as their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself. For no one ever hated his own flesh, but nourishes and cherishes it, just as Christ
does the church. (Ephesians 5:28-29).

Notice the words Paul uses there… nourishes, cherishes… those are words of deep concern and great care. Those are the ways a husband is supposed to love his wife… because she NEEDS that kind of love.

So… back to you and your wife: Your wife WANTS you to be her hero. She wants to matter so much to you, that you would put yourself at risk to save her, if needed. She WANTS to have confidence that you love her, and always will, no matter what.

That is what gives your wife security in your relationship. It’s what fuels her emotional/relational fires. It’s what enables her to fully trust you.

I can’t tell you the number of guys I’ve counseled who don’t get this and wonder why their marriage is in such a mess. Doesn’t it just make sense that if your wife doesn’t feel loved and cherished, she’s not going to trust you in other areas? Doesn’t it make sense that if she’s not confident of your care for her, she’s going to have a hard time following your leadership?

Guys… you can turn your marriage around. You can build a marriage like you never dreamed, by learning how to do this one, simple thing:

delight in your wife.

Here’s two practical suggestions:

Learn to view her as a treasure:

Consider this reality: Your wife is the life partner your God has given to you, and He gives the very BEST gifts. Now, depending on what you’ve gone through with your wife, it may take you a bit of time to get your head around that one. There could be a lot of hurt between you, a lot of wrong she’s done toward you that makes it hard to view her as a treasure. But guys, a lot of what she’s become may be at least partly your doing, by not treasuring her as you should have. God gave her to you to be a help to you, an asset, a benefit to your life. She is a personal gift from the all-powerful God. That means she is a treasure.

Learn to treat her like a treasure – every day.

Think for a second about your car, or your hunting rifle, or your favorite sports team. When something is extremely valuable to you, you take care of it. You check up on it. You follow through to make sure it’s in good repair. You seek to know the most up to date information about it.

What if that “thing” is not a thing at all, but a person – like your wife? You do the same kinds of things. You find out how she’s really doing, every day. You show interest in her and what’s important to her. You make sure she has everything she needs in order to be healthy and happy. You make her concerns your own. You listen, you care, you nurture, you cherish.

Guys, the truth is, your wife is more important than your work, your hobbies, your car, your friends… and she should be cared for accordingly. It may not be natural for you to do those things, and they may even feel a bit awkward at first, but those are the kinds of “lay down your life” sacrifices you are called to make.

In that same passage, Paul says,

Husbands, love your wives, as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her. (Ephesians 5:25)

Jesus is your example, so as a man of God, as a follower of Jesus, it’s time for you to man-up. Make it your greatest ambition in life to glorify God by learning how to delight in your wife.

As a result, you’ll see all kinds of benefits in your relationship, your family, your parenting, and in your life as a whole.

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Categories : Marriage, Podcast

Tags : Christian husband, christian marriage help, delight in her, delight in your wife, love your wife as christ loved the church

God won’t give you more than you can handle… Christian Lie #47

Posted by Carey

· Friday, May 16th, 2014

I wonder how many people reading this have bought the lie that God won’t give you more than you can handle…

Yes, I DID say it’s a lie.

My belief is that God ALWAYS gives you more than you can handle.

This past Sunday my pastor made the same point from Matthew 14:22-34. It’s the account of Jesus walking on water.

His drew out the point by drawing our attention to this fact…

JESUS SENT THE DISCIPLES INTO THE STORM

Have you ever noticed that?

What’s even more compelling is that after sending them into the storm, Jesus could have calmed it at any time…

Why not while He was up on the mountain, praying? (Matthew 14:23)
Why not earlier in the evening, so they wouldn’t have to struggle at the oars so long? (He didn’t go to the disciples until after 3AM, and they began rowing before evening – Matthew 14:25)
Why not with a word, from the safety of the shore?

But He didn’t do any of those things.

He sent them INTO the storm, and He left them there, alone, trying to deal with something that was TOO BIG FOR THEM TO HANDLE.

Can you see that the popular idea that “God won’t give you more than you can handle” is a lie?

And the disciples in the storm isn’t the only example… you can see it all over the scriptures…

Abraham’s call to leave his home without knowing where he would wind up – Genesis 12:1.
Paul’s struggle with his “thorn in the flesh” – 2 Corinthians 12:7-9
The disciples being sent out to do ministry among the people of Israel – Matthew 10:16
And Jesus’ own warning that without Him, we can do nothing – John 15:5

As my pastor said this past Sunday,

Here’s the million dollar question – WHY?

Why would our Savior intentionally put us into situations where we are in over our heads?

The answer is in the account of Jesus walking on the water… it comes at the moment when Peter’s fear overtook his faith, in verse 31…

Jesus immediately reached out his hand and took hold of him, saying to him, “O you of little faith, why did you doubt?”

The difficulties we face are for the sake of helping us replace doubt so we can trust Jesus more.

Think that through in light of your own experiences.

It means that…

Your relational struggles (marriage, extended family, co-workers),
The battles you have against addictions and temptations,
The emotional baggage you continue to try to overcome,
The financial difficulties you’re facing,
The health concerns you have,
The loss of loved ones you’ve faced recently…

Every, single one of those is a situation that Jesus has put you in, for the sake of giving you opportunities to learn how to trust Him more.

Our tendency is to think that what is best for us is what is easiest, or most comfortable, or most personally fulfilling.

But Jesus thinks on a different plane altogether.

He knows that what is best for us is what will make us more reliant on Him.

He wants you to learn to trust Him, for who He really is…

Faithful
Good
All-powerful
Full of love
Gracious
All wise
Sovereign over every circumstance

When you can hold onto the fact that HE IS ALL THOSE THINGS, even when all around you is spinning, you’ll begin to live a life above the waves, above the fears that normally grip you, above the stress and pressure of everyday life.

You’ll begin to live as one who is convinced that your great God and Savior, Jesus Christ, is up to good in the world, and in your life.

Understanding that fact, how will you change the way you guide your family to understand the “more than you can handle” lie?

Your spouse, children, extended family… every one of them is going to face situations that are more than they can handle, and they are going to be tempted to take comfort in nonsensical statements like, “God won’t give me more than I can handle.”

What can you do to guide them to think according to the truth? How are you going to teach them what the Bible really says about their “over your head” situations? How are you going to encourage them to look beyond the difficulty and stress of the momentary, light affliction they are facing (2 Corinthians 4:17) to see the greater glory that God is working in and through them?

You can help them live a life of faith, that pleases God, even in the darkest times. You can, and you should. It’s what Christians do for one another (Hebrews 3:13).

There’s more at stake than their comfort or them feeling good. Their faith is at stake.

My encouragement to you is this:

Be proactive on this issue, especially with your kids.

If they’re in the church long enough, they’ll hear the “God won’t give you more than you can handle” nonsense. They’ll buy it, just like you did, unless they are taught better, beforehand.

Set them strait through patient, bible-based teaching.

Help them to see that God is SO big that even the hard things don’t phase Him. In fact, He’ll put hard things into their lives for their good, and for His glory.

And He’ll pull it all off, beautifully.

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Here’s a song we sang during worship last Sunday, and it fit wonderfully with the theme. Let the LORD use it to help you accept the fact of His sovereign hand and purpose in the midst of your difficult circumstances. Draw comfort from the fact that HE is bigger than the oceans that threaten to rise against you.

Categories : Marriage, Parenting, Spirit Health

Tags : more than you can handle, purpose of difficulties, purpose of trials

Disciples of Christ are hard to come by, these days

Posted by Carey

· Friday, April 25th, 2014

Disciples of Christ are a rare breed because…

It requires commitment to be a disciple of Jesus.
It’s guaranteed to be difficult, even painful, and possibly life-threatening.
It’s going to cost you relationships, comforts, pleasures, and status. Count on it.

Jesus said this about becoming a disciple…

If anyone comes to me and does not hate his own father and mother and wife and children and brothers and sisters, yes, and even his own life, he cannot be my disciple. Whoever does not bear his own cross and come after me cannot be my disciple. Luke 14:26-27

There is a holy hatred we have to have if we are going to be a disciple of Christ. It’s a hatred toward anything that threatens to come between Jesus and us.

But that is exactly what YOU need to be if…

…you are going to build a legacy of faith in your family that lasts for generations.
…your marriage is going to effectively represent the love Christ has for His bride, the church.
…your life is going to matter, in eternal terms.

Devotion to Christ is what all those things are built on. No excuses. Nothing held back. That is what it will cost you.

Your family is counting on you…

So much is at stake. They need to see that the passion you have for Christ is real. They need to watch as He does His great work in you. That kind of Spirit-led change is what makes spouses take notice. It’s what makes kids buy-in to the faith for themselves. You cannot, can NOT do without a whole-hearted devotion to Jesus.

So… what’s it going to be?

A life like it’s always been… comfortable, normal, unremarkable, eternally insignificant? OR uncomfortable abnormal remarkable and eternally powerful? You have a choice to make. You have a Savior who desires to empower you to do it. You have a family whose future hangs in the balance.

What will it be?

Here’s a video that’s very inspiring to me. It’s by a singer-songwriter named Josh Garrels. Josh gets it. He recognizes that the world we live in is aimed at distracting you and me from the divine calling Jesus has issued to every human being. We have the opportunity to make an eternal difference, and my calling is to sound the wake up call that God wants us to do that through families of faith that endure for generations. Watch Josh’s video and consider this:

Will you be part of the resistance? Will you be one of the Disciples of Christ who rocks the world?

Categories : Marriage, Parenting

Homemaker: a tribute

Posted by Carey

· Monday, April 21st, 2014

HOMEMAKER

The title describes the role. She is one who makes a home…

not a house,
not a place to live,
not a place to eat, and sack out, and run off to the next “important” thing shortly after…

A home. Homemakers, make a home.

The role of the homemaker has fallen on hard times.

Being a “stay at home mom” or “domestic diva” has become an object of ridicule and scorn in our “enlightened” age.

Many women feel it beneath them to only be busy at home. They might miss out, could risk squandering their gifts, or potentially waste their education.

But those are notions that show a painful lack of understanding about what the role of a homemaker really is.

It’s not about washing dishes, cooking, or serving as an on-demand taxi for already over-committed kids. Those are just part of the minutia that goes into accomplishing far more important things.

To be a homemaker is to be one of God’s favorite tools, a chisel in His hand, to shape people, spouse and children.

A homemaker is, in my opinion, the most important servant in the lives of her family.

She creates an environment where it’s safe to grow, and fail, and learn, and stumble toward God.
She breathes encouragement into the very air of the home, providing support and confident equipping for life.
She is available, day after day, for those unannounced, unplanned conversations that shape the soul.
She keeps her finger on the pulse of the relationships in the family, to foster true consideration, love, and unity.
She orchestrates an atmosphere of calm, order, and peace, that enables the true rest that busy families need.

There is no sense in which a homemaker’s role is menial. In fact, without her, her home will suffer terribly.

I’m not saying that the homemaking role is all a woman can do,

but I am convinced that is has to be her highest priority. There’s too much riding on her role for it to slip to a lower place of importance.

And keeping the homemaking role as highest priority is not an easy thing to do.

Sometimes it requires hard questions to be asked.

Sometimes it requires sacrifices to be made.

But it is worth it.

Children become mature Christ-followers because of it.

Husbands grow in confidence, sensitivity to the Spirit, and relationships because of it.

The home itself takes on the aroma of the Holy Spirit of God, as a testimony of His presence in the home, manifested through her, the homemaker.

This post is a tribute…

to all of you committed women out there who understand the important role you play. May you grow in your ability, wisdom, and strength as you serve others.
to those women out there who desire their lives to count for eternity, and are ready to make a change, and a greater difference. May the LORD guide you to do what HE has in mind for YOU.
to my wife… the greatest homemaker I’ve ever known. Our home is what it is, in large part because of God’s work, done through you.

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Categories : Marriage, Parenting

3 reasons divorce is not an option

Posted by Carey

· Monday, April 14th, 2014

Remove the word “divorce” from your vocabulary.

That’s some advice my wife and I received when we were first married… and it was great advice.

In my thinking, if you always have divorce in the back of your head, as a “just in case” option, you’re going to be less committed to working through the hard things that inevitably come up in marriage. You’re going to be more prone to consider bailing out when times get tough. You’re going to be open to making one of the biggest mistakes of your life.

I want to encourage you to decide that divorce is not an option.

Why do I think divorce is such a bad idea? Here are 3 reasons…

1I’ve seen the devastation divorce causes, to husband and wife, to children, and to extended families. The family is intended to be God’s place for stability, security, and growth. When the two people who are most responsible to see that it is decide to abandon ship, the whole family goes down in flames.

2Divorce is hardly ever a good thing for kids. Research has proven this to be true, time and time again. Even in cases where a spouse is abusive and the divorce happens for the protection of the children, the repercussions on their lives are typically bad. I know there are times when the choice is not easy and the children have to be protected. But divorce has consequences of its own.

3The possibility of a spiritual legacy of faith being passed on from one generation to the next is dramatically hampered by divorce. Sure, a single parent can do that effectively, but the typical divorce situation makes it incredibly more difficult to do so. Unreconciled differences between parents communicate to the kids that Jesus can’t do anything to truly help in the situations of real life. That makes them much more likely to hold Christian faith at arm’s length, or abandon it altogether.

I know there are extremely difficult circumstances that people face…

Abusive spouses
Addictions
Illegal activity going on in the home
Familial interference
and more…

But the heart of the gospel is about reconciliation, and I believe that too many couples nowadays give up before truly, really trying everything possible to reconcile their marriages. When things get tough, they throw in the towel, because they’ve not decided, ahead of time, that they are going to fight for the health and stability of their marriage.

What I’m suggesting is excruciatingly difficult. I know.

I also know that there are situations in this fallen world where it simply won’t work. But I want to call you to believe in a Savior who is able to conquer and overcome every obstacle, including…

A selfish spouse
An abusive spouse
An unrepentant spouse
A cheating spouse
A spouse with legitimate and extreme mental illness

Jesus can overcome everything. Even your spouse and your marital issues. Do you believe that? Do you believe it enough to do everything within your power to stick it out and make things right?

And… there’s more going on than searching for a “happy ending”

Besides all of that, there’s the possibility, in fact the likelihood, that Jesus is using the difficulties you face in your marriage to refine you, to make you more like Him. I know that’s not a popular sentiment, and it’s hard to hear, but it’s the gospel truth. The hardships we face are designed by God to bring about good for us, good in us (Romans 8:28). If you’re quick to jump out of a difficult marriage through divorce, you’re likely side-stepping God’s work in your life.

Jesus is at work, even in your difficult marriage.

Please, consider it. Divorce is not an option.

Your thoughts? Please comment below…

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Categories : Marriage

Tags : christian divorce, Christian marriage, christians and divorce, divorce is not an option

Dealing with emotional pain in marriage

Posted by Carey

· Friday, April 11th, 2014

Emotional pain left over from the past is powerful.

And it’s especially damaging when it resides inside a marriage relationship. I’ve seen couples married 5 years, or 35 years, struggling to get past hurts that happened years and/or decades earlier. Pain and resentment, like rotting garbage, pile up year after year, offense after offense, and grow into a stinking, smoldering, nasty infection that makes the marriage into a miserable mountain of pain, rather than the joy it’s meant to be.

The problem is not the emotional pain. We all experience pain like that. It’s part of life. The problem is not even that the pain happened in the first place. We all make mistakes, bad choices, and sin against other people. That’s part of life, too. The problem is that the emotional pain, when it happens, is typically never adequately dealt with.

When I say, “dealt with” I mean truly, completely dealt with.

There are many, many people who say they’ve “dealt with” offenses and hurts that have happened in their marriage, but they haven’t. What they did was wait until the pain simmered down a bit, until they finally began talking to their spouse again simply because they had to in order to live, and then went on with life. Because things went back to “normal,” it felt like the situation was dealt with. But it hadn’t. What happened was this: the pain went underground, where it simmered and stewed and festered, like boil… until it was ready to explode.

That’s typically when I meet these couples. They are either about to blow, or already have. They are a miserable, devastated mess and come to my wife and I for help.

You don’t want to be that couple… so what can you do to avoid it?

You need to learn how to TRULY deal with the emotional pain as it occurs. Both you and your spouse need to commit to doing so. Here’s the biblical pattern for how you do it, taken from Matthew chapter 18.

The offended person needs to lovingly bring up the offense.
The offender needs to truly listen, humbly accepting responsibility for his/her part in the issue.
The offender needs to repent (express genuine sorrow and truly commit to adjusting his/her behavior in future situations).
The hurt person needs to forgive the offender.

No part of that process is easy, on either side. But it has to be done – over, and over, and over, throughout the course of your marriage. If you don’t here’s what happens…

Each offense is thrown into a “deal with it later” pile.
The next offense is piled on top… and the next, and the next, and the next.
After a while, even the smallest offense becomes very painful emotionally, because of the weight of the entire, unresolved pile.
It’s a stinking pile of garbage that has to be dealt with, one at a time.

To get over that kind of emotional pain… that’s exactly what you need to do… deal with each offense, one at a time.

It sounds like a laborious process, because it is. It’s pretty much the first thing we do in our marriage intensive counseling, so that we can start with a “clean slate” and move into the primary issues the couple is facing, effectively.

My hope is that Christian couples will learn how to do this for themselves, unpacking the emotional pain that lodges in their soul and in the soul of their spouse, day, by day, by day. It’s the biblical way… the only way, to truly deal with the power of emotional pain.

If you’d like to know more, I’d love to correspond with you.

If you have thoughts on this subject, or questions, I’d love to interact in the comments below. – Thanks!

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Categories : Marriage

Tags : Christian marriage, conflict in marriage, emotional pain

Marriage devotionals – a good start, but you need more

Posted by Carey

· Friday, April 4th, 2014

Imagine yourself lying helpless in a hospital bed. You’re nearing the end of your life. There are tubes, wires, and oxygen tanks all around you. Doctors and nurses scurry in and out of the room. Your family is gathered around you. Everyone has that sad, pitiful look on their faces that says, “He’s just wasting away.”

At that moment, what will matter most to you?

My guess, after pastoring for over 20 years and counseling many, many couples, is that your answer will have something to do with RELATIONSHIPS

I’ve yet to meet a person on their death bed who wishes they’d made more money, or that they’d spent more time at the office, or learned how to do some long-desired skill. Without exception, in every bedside vigil I’ve been a part of, the dying person wanted to talk to family members, to make things right, to apologize for past hurts and regrets.

Why do we have to wait until we are on our deathbeds to make the relationships in our lives count. Honestly, it’s too late, then.

My challenge to you is this: make sure that your primary relationships (marriage and children) are the best they can be now, while you have the opportunity.

Your relationships need you now.

The couples who come to me with major issues in their marriage didn’t get to that place of frustration and pain overnight. They got there through a slow but consistent slide, from average, to below average, to abysmal. It snuck up on them, a little bit at a time, one unresolved conflict after another, until the pain was so great, somebody snapped.

One of the key components to that kind of downhill slide is a lack of spiritual unity and connection. Couples who are not connected with each other on a spiritual level have much less that is stable and solid to base their relationship on. A spiritual foundation that is built upon the truth of God’s word is essential.

But how do you go about building spiritual unity and connection?

It’s not an easy thing to do. Naturally, it takes time in conversation, but what do you talk about? It needs to somehow incorporate the word of God, but how do you know what biblical or life topics are essential for spiritual growth together?

That’s where marriage devotionals come in.

There are plenty of great devotionals out there, all designed with the hope of helping you come together around the word of God to establish common beliefs and attitudes of faith upon which your marriage can grow and flourish. Most have great inspirational thoughts that come from a passage of scripture or daily reading. It’s all good stuff.

BUT… if all you’re doing is reading something together, and don’t know how to discuss the issues your reading is bringing up… you won’t get very far. You need something more.

Marriage devotionals that push you deeper…

You need more than “warm fuzzy” thoughts and inspirational stories. You need a resource that can teach you what the Bible says about your relationship, and how to talk about those important things in a way that draws you together. You need a couple’s devotional that teaches you, both by example and through daily assignments, how to dig into the important matters you need to consider.

I recommend you get more than a “typical” marriage devotional. I recommend a study that you can complete together, something that has built in accountability and actionable steps. Find a resource that asks real-life, gut-level questions and forces you to work through the issues they raise. Find a resource that sparks your thinking about yourself, your spouse, your relationship with God, and how all of that fits together.

EBOOK: Here PAPERBACK: Here

That’s why I did what I did…

Because I’ve seen that need again and again, I created the Marriage Improvement Project as one resource couples can use to connect spiritually and grow deeper in their relationship with God.

It’s not like your typical devotionals for couples. If you decide to take on this daily devotional, you’ll have to do some serious, but richly rewarding work. Here’s what to expect:

5 studies per week
40 to 50 minutes required in the study, daily
husband and wife will complete their study independent of one another
you’ll be guided to come together and talk about what you’ve studied
topics include unity, communications, anger, husband and wife roles in marriage, sex, and more
all of it will be rooted in biblical instruction

The Marriage Improvement Project is not for the faint of heart. It’s an in-your-face, Christ-centered attempt at helping you understand marriage from God’s point of view, and learn how to implement His truths into your own marriage.

The MIP comes in two formats – Kindle Ebook and Paperback. I recommend a copy for each spouse, since you do the daily work independently.

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Categories : Marriage, Spirit Health

Tags : couple's devotional, devotionals for couples, marriage devotionals, the marriage improvement project

Podcast 65 – Help your kids fight the condemning voice in their head

Posted by Carey

· Wednesday, March 26th, 2014

TODAY’S PODCAST

Podcast 65 – Help your kids fight the condemning voice in their head

Everyone fights those nagging little voices of condemnation that speak to their own minds. It’s part of the human condition. But for Christians, there is a powerful way to deal with those lies, and it’s based on the truths God has shared with us in His word.

Parents, you have to know that your kids are going to struggle with those same issues. In fact, they probably already do, even the younger ones. In this episode, Carey is going to walk you through a passage from the book of Hebrews and show you how the truth found there is able to help you and your kids deal with the condemning thoughts and voices that threaten to hold you back from living with confidence as God intends.

Music used by permission of Adam Rey – http://www.HeyReyGuitar.com

Leave a rating and review on iTunes – http://www.ChristianHomeandFamily.com/itunes

Connect with Carey at http://www.ChristianHomeandFamily.com/contact

Find products from Christian Home and Family at http://www.ChristianHomeandFamily.com/store

Or if you are using a “podcatcher” here is the feed address: https://christianhomeandfamily.com/feed/podcast/ LEAVE FEEDBACK AND A REVIEW ON I-TUNES

The main music track used in the Christian Home and Family Podcast is entitled, “Midian” and is from Adam Rey’s instrumental album Meat & Potatoes – Adam has generously given me permission to use his music, so please, support his generosity by checking out and purchasing his music at www.heyreyguitar.com – (no affiliate relationship, Adam’s just my friend.) ** these are affiliate links

Categories : Marriage, Parenting, Podcast

Tags : condemning voice, music, scripture memory, scripture memory songs, self condemnation

Podcast 64 – The myth of safety

Posted by Carey

· Wednesday, March 19th, 2014

TODAY’S PODCAST

Podcast 64 – The myth of safety

American (western) culture tries to convince us that we can be “safe.” We purchase insurance policies, save up cash, build retirement funds, all for the sake of being safe. But is it really true? As Christians, we even “Christian-ize” the concept, taking scriptures to support the view and to give ourselves a sense that God guarantees our safety because we are believers. It’s simply not true.

In this episode Carey is covering the basics of biblical faith in God, and how you can go about teaching your children how to trust in God rather than things, and to lean on Him in the difficulties that life is sure to bring.

Music in this podcast used by permission of Adam Rey – http://www.HeyReyGuitar.com

Contact Carey at http://www.ChristianHomeandFamily.com/contact

Learn how to leave us a review on iTunes at http://www.ChristianHomeandFamily.com/itunes

Find products from Christian Home and Family at http://www.ChristianHomeandFamily.com/store

Or if you are using a “podcatcher” here is the feed address: https://christianhomeandfamily.com/feed/podcast/ LEAVE FEEDBACK AND A REVIEW ON I-TUNES

Categories : Marriage, Parenting, Podcast

Tags : music, scripture memory, scripture memory songs

Podcast 63 – Little white lies, or big black sins?

Posted by Carey

· Wednesday, March 12th, 2014

TODAY’S PODCAST

Little white lies, or big black sins?

We all tell “little white lies” now and then. But are they really so little? And what impact do they have on the life and example of a Christian family? In this episode Carey talks about what God thinks of our “little white lies” and challenges us to be people of truth, people who example and reflect the truth of God in everything we do. He also talks about

Music in this podcast used by permission of Adam Rey – http://www.HeyReyGuitar.com

Contact Carey at http://www.ChristianHomeandFamily.com/contact

Learn how to leave us a review on iTunes at http://www.ChristianHomeandFamily.com/itunes

Find products from Christian Home and Family at http://www.ChristianHomeandFamily.com/store

Or if you are using a “podcatcher” here is the feed address: https://christianhomeandfamily.com/feed/podcast/ LEAVE FEEDBACK AND A REVIEW ON I-TUNES

Categories : Marriage, Parenting, Podcast

Tags : music, scripture memory, scripture memory songs

What he’s really saying when he wants to shack up but won’t marry you

Posted by Carey

· Monday, March 10th, 2014

OK, I’m on a soapbox here… and I know it.

This situation makes me mad (righteously so, I believe)

It makes me mad at the guys, who are foisting a stupid, woman-destroying idea on young women. The guys will tell you all kinds of rationale for why you should consent to living together…

Living together will enable us to “try out” the relationship first, to make sure it’s a good idea.
It will help us grow a stronger marriage.
It will make things easier on our relationship because we’ll be able to share finances and expenses.

All of these sound reasonable on the surface, but the stats don’t show them to be true at all. Here’s just SOME of those stats:

Those who live together before marriage abuse each other more often and more severely than dating couples or married couples.
Those who live together before marriage suffer from greater depression and anxiety.
Those living together before marriage are not as happy.
Those who live together before marriage have unhappier marriages.
Those who live together before marriage have higher separation and divorce rates.
Those who are sexually active before marriage are much more likely to divorce.
Those who have had premarital sex are more likely to have extramarital affairs as well.
Those who have “trial” marriages do not have better marriages.
And 26 other significant findings.

That’s just the guys’ side of it. I’m mad at the young women too…

It makes me mad at the young women, who are silly enough to let a guy do this to them. Do you have no common sense at all? Can you not see how lopsided the arrangement is? When he wants to live with you, but not marry you, he’s saying some very clear, very loud things about himself, about you, and about how he truly views the relationship…

What is it he’s really saying to you, when he’s willing to live together, but won’t marry you?

1. I want your body for my own selfish pleasure, and don’t care about your emotional/relational needs.

He’s treating you like a THING, not like a person. Don’t you get that? He’s willing to TAKE from you, but he won’t GIVE you the security of a marriage commitment. Something is seriously wrong with that picture. Do you really want to get involved with a guy who is THAT selfish?

2. I want what you to provide me the benefits of living together, but I am not willing to make any kind of commitment to you.

Again, can’t you see what he’s doing? He’s using you, plain and simple. He gets all kinds of things from you (sex? cooking? housekeeping? money?) and you get… what exactly?

3. You are not really THAT important to me… even though I say you are.

He’ll TELL you all kinds of things… sweet nothings to make you feel good. But look at his actions. They aren’t consistent with his words.

If he really wanted to spend the rest of his life with you, he’d be perfectly willing to marry you.
If he really thought you were the greatest, he’d be happy to marry you.
If he really loved you, he’d prove it to you by giving you his deepest commitment (through marriage).

The most important reason living together is a bad idea…

God expects your man to care for you along the same line that Jesus cared for His church. He’s supposed to give his life for you (Ephesians 5:25). But you’re willing to hook up with a guy who won’t even marry you, much less give his life for you. Really?

That is dishonoring to God.
That is a perversion of what God wants male/female relationships to be.
That is an abuse of you, as a woman.
That is a selfish little boy in a man’s body, deceiving you into fulfilling his immature desires.

He doesn’t love you. If he did, he’d be willing to marry you.

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Categories : Marriage

Tags : cohabitation, living together, marriage commitment, shacking up, why I should marry

8 things every wife needs to understand about her husband (# 5 will probably shock you)

Posted by Carey

· Tuesday, March 4th, 2014

Ladies, do you ever have trouble understanding your husband?

Do his little quirks baffle you? Does his perspective on life make you shake your head? Do you ever wonder, “What is this THING I married?”

If you do, you’re not alone. Your husband probably feels the same way about you, at times.

I don’t mean that in a derogatory sense at all. I’m pointing out that, that type of confusion goes both ways. In other words: He is a man, you are a woman. You are different than each other. Very different.

Because you’re so different, there are things you need to know about each other, things that will help you gain true understanding about how each other thinks, responds, and understands the stuff life throws at each of you.

Ladies, in this post, I’m gonna’ tell you some things that I hope will help you understand your husband.

They are things that are vital to who he is as a man, that he may never tell you. It’s not that he’s holding something back, it’s that most men don’t realize that what I’m about to tell you, is actually true of them. They don’t know themselves very well, which is probably not news to you.

The reason I can tell you these things is simple: I have been a husband for 25 years, and I’ve been a man for my whole life. I’ve also spent the last 20+ years coming alongside men as they strive to become more than they are, for the sake of their families and for the sake of Christ.

Before I move ahead, let me make one disclaimer about your husband: Every man is unique.

The reason it’s important for me to say that is because some of the things in the list below may not apply to your husband. The best way for you to find out, is to ask him.

In fact, here’s an ACTION STEP for you… take the points below and set aside a time to discuss them with your husband. Find out how HE feels about what I share below. I think you’ll find your relationship enriched greatly by that kind of conversation. If you want a weekly tool to help you get the conversation in your family going, sign up for my free “Conversation Starters for Couples” list.

And if you’re a husband who happens to be reading this, don’t send me critical emails telling me I got it all wrong. If what I describe is not describing you, then be a big boy and understand me when I say, “I’m probably not talking about you.”

8 things every wife needs to understand about her husband

#1 – He’s a scared little boy, inside.

I’ve yet to meet a guy of whom this untrue. They won’t all admit it. In fact, many would get angry to hear me say it. But in my mind, that reaction just proves my point.

So, what do I mean by this? I mean that every man longs to be a real man. He wants to fulfill his duty to be a good provider, protector, and competent leader. He wants to be strong, capable, and adequate for the challenges that life throws at him. [pullquote position=”right”]But every man is also subconsciously afraid that he can’t cut it. He’s afraid of failing, afraid of missing the mark, afraid of letting you and the kids down.[/pullquote]

This is one of the biggest reasons behind his defensiveness. It’s why he argues with you about things. It’s why he doesn’t like to ask for directions. He’s trying to prove to himself first, then to you, that he’s capable.

So what do you do?

Do your best to respect your husband (Ephesians 5:33). I know it can be hard if he’s not acting very respectable, but trust the Holy Spirit to help you.
Let yourself sympathize with the lack of training and help he may have received in this area. He’s learning. Ask the LORD to enable you to be patient with the process.
Pray for him, that the LORD will reveal to him how he is competent and capable in Christ (2 Corinthians 3:6).
Encourage him to go to events that can help him make up for lost time.

#2 – He’s not wired as emotionally as you.

Your husband is an emotional creature, but not like you are. He feels things, but not nearly as intensely as you do. By now, you probably already know this about your husband, but have you thought through the ramifications of it?

Because he’s not as emotional, he’s not as relational either. Relationships are built in large part, on the give and take of emotional interactions.
This difference in emotions makes effective communication a challenge for him. [pullquote position=”right”]He doesn’t naturally know how to express what he’s feeling. In fact, he may not even recognize that he’s feeling something at all. I know, that’s crazy-weird to you, but it’s a reality about him you need to understand.[/pullquote]
As a result of not being wired emotionally, he’ll have a hard time understanding you. He’s not being intentionally hurtful, he’s just doing the best he can to understand something/someone that is totally different from him.

So what should you do?

I’m definitely NOT saying that you should just get used to it. Your husband NEEDS to learn how to understand you better (1 Peter 3:7).
But you SHOULD work hard to understand the learning-curve he’s going to have to go through in order to get to the point of understanding his (and your) emotions. It’s not going to happen overnight. In fact, it will probably take a very long time for him to connect on your level, in your way.
Learn to ask him careful, caring questions about what he’s feeling. My wife started asking me multiple-choice style questions that were very helpful (i.e. Are you feeling angry, or frustrated, or justified, or happy?)
Pray for him about this issue.
You should also use this information to simmer down your emotions about the way he responds (or doesn’t respond) to you. He’s not intending to be hurtful, he just doesn’t know any better, yet. 🙂

#3 – He needs you to help him know himself better.

Like I mentioned earlier, your husband likely doesn’t know himself very well. Most men just move from event to event without analyzing things like emotions, motives, mistakes, etc. They just keep on keeping on.

I don’t mean to make it sound like men are brainless beasts, because that’s far from the truth. It’s just that guys are very good at getting through the tough stuff of life and continuing forward. Because of this, [pullquote position=”right”]it could seem to you, like your husband is insensitive to hurts, unaware of offenses, or blind to the way he comes across. That’s because he very well may be.[/pullquote]

On top of that, you can add the fact that most men in the world today weren’t intentionally taught how to healthily handle things like relationships, emotions, or conflicts. They have great desires to do right by people, especially the ones they love, but they simply don’t always know how.

You, as a woman, are wired to understand those things a lot better than your husband, and God has given you to him to be his helper. That means he NEEDS your help… and this is one of the areas where he needs it.

So, what do you do?

You help him… carefully, lovingly, in a way that encourages him as a man.
Recognize that you are the exact one God has placed in his life to help him with this (Genesis 2:18), and commit yourself to serving him, as his helper, under the direction of the Holy Spirit of God.
Keep reading. You’ll get some more tips about what that means as you work your way through the rest of the list.

#4 – He has a hard time being a spiritual leader, for some very good reasons.

As I mentioned in point #1, your husband is scared of failing in the important things in life. Spiritual leadership is one of the most significant areas where this is true.

On top of that, [pullquote position=”right”]he’s likely never had a mature, spiritually-capable man of God, come alongside to guide him into an understanding of what spiritual leadership looks like.[/pullquote] That makes it extremely hard, because it’s hard to do something when you don’t know what it’s supposed to look like. Wouldn’t you agree?

On top of that, because he’s not very relationally wired (see point #2), he has a hard time connecting in a relationship with God for himself. It doesn’t come as naturally for him as it does for you. I think that’s a large part of why more women are actively involved in church than men.

So what do you do?

None of the reasons why he has a hard time stepping in to spiritual leadership serve to excuse him from the responsibility. But it’s helpful for you to be aware of, for the sake of understanding him, and being patient with the “good work” process the LORD is doing in his life (Philippians 1:6).
Learn about spiritual leadership yourself, so that you have a realistic idea of what you are praying and hoping for.
If you think he’d be open, encourage him to listen to the audio at the link above.
Pray for him, that God will be his teacher in this area. Pray that he’ll find a mentor or coach who can guide him in this realm.

# 5 – You probably intimidate him.

I’m not saying that you intentionally get in his face and make him back down. I’m not saying that you try to coerce him into things he doesn’t want to do. BUT, If you do happen to do either of those things, that’s sin on your part, and you should repent.

What I DO mean is this: Generally speaking, guys are one-track-minded beings. We get started on something and tend to be unable to think of much else, at least for the short term. You are very different than that (sensing a theme here?). You can do many, many things at the same time, and generally, you’re able to do them all fairly well.

Connect that difference with point #1 (he’s afraid he can’t cut it), and you can see why your husband might seem defensive or combative at times. [pullquote position=”right”]Your competence, which is a good thing, accentuates the incompetent feelings he’s already fighting inside his own soul, so he responds to it badly at times.[/pullquote]

Connect that difference with point #1, and point #4 (spiritual leadership is hard for him), and it makes sense that if you come on too strong in the spiritual arena, he’s likely back off completely and let you take the lead there. The problem is, that’s not a biblical approach, and therefore, not healthy for either of you.

So what do you do?

Keep your walk with the LORD strong, but don’t flaunt it in front of him.
Read, understand, and apply the next two points. He needs them from you almost as much as he needs breath. Really.

# 6 – He needs you to value and encourage his manliness, not criticize it.

The differences between you and your husband are real, and can be very frustrating. I get that.

But remember WHO it is who put the two of you together. [pullquote position=”right”]God thought this marriage thing was a great idea, and we should assume He’s right about that. In fact, He thought YOUR marriage was a good idea, no matter how painful or irritating it may seem right now.[/pullquote]

God put you and your husband together to complement each other. That means you are supposed to fit well together, to fill in the gaps for each other, to work in a harmonious way toward God’s purpose for your marriage (Ephesians 5:21-33). That means that what HE brings to the relationship, as a man, is vital.

So what do you do?

Ask God to help you understand the strengths that come to your relationship because of your husband’s manly ways.
Begin to think of your husband as a gift, not a hindrance. That’s what God intends, and what God wants to make him to be.
Tell him the manly things about him that you appreciate (the way he provides, the way you feel safe when he’s around, etc.). Don’t let anything that should be said, go without saying. He needs it from you.
Get into a habit of telling him that you’re glad you married him. Ask God to help you get there, if you’re not up to it yet.

# 7 – He needs you to notice and encourage the progress he’s making.

[pullquote position=”right”]Most husbands are trying. They really are. They hear your complaints, suggestions, and needs, and are doing the best they can to make you happy.[/pullquote] But because of everything mentioned so far, the growth comes slowly and with great difficulty. From your perspective, because there is so much growth that still needs to happen, it can be difficult to notice the baby steps he’s taking. But he is taking them.

What do you do?

Ask the LORD to help you notice the areas where your husband is trying, or improving.
Think back to conversations you’ve had, where you’ve asked him to change or grow in an area. Begin looking for his attempts at improvement so that you can encourage him in those areas.
Thank him for trying. Point out what you see. Let him know that you appreciate the effort and see his progress. We all need encouragement, especially when we’re doing something that is hard for us.
Ask the LORD to give you wisdom about your criticisms or attempts to help him. Sometimes the LORD may have you hold your tongue rather than point out another area where your husband needs to improve.

# 8 –If he believes that you truly believe in him, he’ll rock the world.

I believe this. I’ve seen it hold true in the lives of couples that my wife and I have counseled. [pullquote position=”right”]Once couples get on the same page and begin working together, appreciating the differences God has created in each other, an amazing thing happens. Men begin living out their manly role… as husbands, as fathers, as spiritual leaders.[/pullquote]

But I also believe it because I feel it myself, too. I’ve told my wife repeatedly, “When I feel that you are behind me, I can take on the world.” It’s not a statement of hyped up bravado, it’s a statement of how important it is for a man to feel that the woman the LORD has given to him truly respects him and believes he can make a difference in the world.

So what should you do?

Ask the LORD to show you how to truly believe in HIS work in your husband. It’s not an issue of you trusting your husband to make changes, it’s an issue of you trusting God to do HIS work in your husband.
Pray for your husband to get a vision of what God desires to empower him to become. When God sets a man on fire, things begin to change.
Enlist others to pray for your husband. Don’t broadcast details, but get some trusted, close friends on the prayer wagon with you.
Tell your husband that you’re praying for him. He needs to know your support on a variety of levels.
Dream with him. Ask him what he thinks the LORD wants to happen in his life. Ask him how you can help.

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Categories : Marriage

Tags : Christian marriage, how to understand your husband, understand men, understanding your husband

1 HUGE reason husbands should help with housework

Posted by Carey

· Friday, February 21st, 2014

I guess there could be many reasons a husband should help with housework…

but in my mind, there’s really only one.

In talking about the freedom we have from the rules and regulations of the law, the Apostle Paul says it this way…

For you were called to freedom, brothers. Only do not use your freedom as an opportunity for the flesh, but through love serve one another.Galatians 5:13

Christian men, we need to get out of “me” mode and into “them” mode. There are lots of people around us who need our loving service and leadership. We set the example through DOING for others. When you do that, you can be a hero. Really. You can. It’s not the one-time, huge sacrifices that make a hero. It’s the everyday, loving acts of service that build up to create a heroic life, over a lifetime.

I’m not a huge country music fan. But this guy knows how to write a tune that speaks to significant, family-related issues. This idea of “love” for others is important. I’d love to hear your comments about the graphic above, and the video below.

Categories : Marriage

Tags : husbands help with housework, love for god, love for your wife, love motivation, love your family

When delighting in your wife (or husband) seems impossible

Posted by Carey

· Wednesday, February 12th, 2014

Delighting in your spouse can be a real challenge… but of course, you know that.

It’s a challenge because stuff happens in marriage, stuff that strains your relationship and causes hard feelings between you.

Betrayal, arguments, disagreements about kids or finances, extended family tensions, physical issues, irritating habits… all of these can put the two of you on opposite sides, and put a strain on your relationship.

When that happens long enough, it can seem impossible to delight in your wife or husband. There’s too much water under the bridge, too many hurt feelings, too many unresolved conflicts. It feels hopeless to dream of things ever getting better.

What do you do when it’s that hard to delight in your spouse?

God’s got some pretty simple, but “non-easy” prescriptions for resolving these kinds of issues. They require you to commit yourself to doing WHATEVER IT TAKES to make things right, improve your relationship, and get past the past.

Here are some of the vital things God says you have to do in order to regain that delight in your spouse…

1. Talk about the issue(s).

Matthew 18 tells us that when a “brother” (fellow Christian) offends us, we are to go to them. This passage is typically used to instruct church members on how to handle large-scale problems within their church community. But that’s only one application. If you read the passage carefully, you can see that it’s talking about a situation where individuals are experiencing a sin or offense between them, and it gives specific steps to follow.

Go to the person you are at odds with
Bring up the issue (doing so in a humble way goes a long way)
Ask to work out the issue

THAT is about as practical as it gets, and as applicable to marriage as it can be. If you and your spouse are at odds over anything, the first thing you need to do is talk about it.

BUT, given how conflict-averse our culture is, this step, though very, very simple, is extremely hard to do. It takes courage and it takes a commitment to obedience to what God says.

That’s where a counselor or third-party might be helpful. In fact, many couples who have years of built up tension between them will not be able to get anywhere without a third-party who can wisely help them walk through the issue.

If the issues you’re trying to navigate are repeated and very long standing, you might need something a bit more intense. But your marriage is worth it, believe me.

But you can’t do it unless the following are true:

Both of you are truly willing to work things out
Both of you are humble, ready to admit your own wrongs in the situation
You are both willing to do WHATEVER IT TAKES

2. Commit yourself to believing that God will do what He says He will do, if you do your part.

The scriptures teach husbands and wives how they are to relate to their spouses (Ephesians 5:25 & Ephesians 5:22-23) . These instructions have nothing to do with how anyone feels and they have nothing to do with whether your partner is doing “their part” or not. They are steps of obedience you take, believing that God will honor the trust you are placing in Him, and bring about a good (even miraculous) result.

Let’s be honest, that is hard. But absolutely necessary.

You cannot expect God to do things your way. He is God. He will not be pressed into your mold. He is the one who is going to bring the healing and resolution to your marriage relationship, and He does it His way, or not at all.

So, get your mind around this fact: You have to trust God, that if you do what you are supposed to do, He’ll do what only He can do.

But there are some important things to keep in mind:

God works on His own time frame. Trust Him to do His work when HE believes it to be best.
God works out all things for His glory and your good (Romans 8:28). That includes bad things. So you can expect that in the process of moving in the right direction, God will bring some hard, potentially “bad” things (in your mind) into the mix. But continue to trust Him. He gets greater glory and you’ll have greater joy, because of your endurance and faith (Romans 5:4).
The results God brings may not (probably won’t) look like what you are expecting. But know this, God’s work on your behalf is the best. He’s trustworthy, and will be for you.

Preventative maintenance goes a long way…

Maybe your situation doesn’t sound so extreme. Maybe you’ve got a few unresolved things, but nothing major.

I can tell you, the greatest thing you can do is to prevent yourself from getting there. Your marriage will be richer because of it, and your ability to delight in your wife (or husband) will grow as a result.

So what do you do?

1. See point 1 above.

2. See point 2 above.

3. Set aside time to talk regularly.

I’d love to hear your feedback below.

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Categories : Marriage

Tags : christian marriage counseling, delight in your husband, delight in your wife, hope for marriage, marriage conflicts, marriage counseling intensive

Break’s over! Christian Home and Family is moving forward

Posted by Carey

· Friday, February 7th, 2014

Some time ago (almost 4 months ago , can you believe it?) I told you that I was going to be taking a break from blogging, podcasting – the whole nine yards. I told you that I needed to take a break to make sure that I was keeping my priorities straight.

Thanks for your patience.

I’m writing to today to let you know that my rest break is over and the CHAF min istry will be moving forward in the weeks to come…

It was a great break, and the LORD used it to help me rethink my understanding of His purpose for this ministry. The main thing that is on my heart is this…

My ultimate goal is to equip you, in any way I can, to build a legacy of lasting faith in your family, for generations to come.

I’m passionate about that for you, because I’m passionate about it for my own family.

I now bear the title, “Grand-pop.” Our first grandson, Wyatt, was born in June of 2013. The reality of what generational faithfulness means, is coming home to me in a big way. I desperately want to see genuine Christian faith passed along in my own family. From me and my wife, to our children, to their children, and on, and on. It’s vital. It’s the the main way that God intends faith to be passed along. I want it for my family, and I want it for yours.

But its’ an overwhelming goal in many ways. It’s like trying to eat an elephant. How can it possibly be done, and where should I begin? Those are very real questions, but the LORD has been faithful. He’s given me a perspective on how to approach it. I’m narrowing my focus to aim at 3 very distinct and specific areas. Here’s the three areas, and what they mean to me…

CHRISTIAN

I firmly believe that healthy homes begin with healthy individuals, and it’s the parents’ health that matters most. Parents, you have to be radically, passionately, forever-sold-out to Jesus if you expect your kids to be that way in years to come. They need to see the authenticity of your faith before it’s going to be appealing to them. I see that challenge in my own family. It’s a singular area of focus that I have to be conscious of daily.

With that in mind, I’m going to be focusing my efforts on helping you parents walk alongside me, as we get our spiritual lives on track and thriving. Toward that end, I’m going to be ramping up my production of resources to help you get on track. The first resource is already completed – my book “RECHARGE.” (ebook and paperback) It’s a short but powerful book aimed at helping you develop methods and mindsets that will take you to a place of intimacy with the LORD, and stay there.

Don’t take your relationship with the LORD lightly, parents. Too much is riding on it. Take the challenge to get off your duff and walk closely to the LORD. He’s promised, if you seek Him, you will find Him (Jeremiah 29:13).

HOME

After you, the parents, are on track in your relationship with the LORD, comes your home… and the foundational relationship within your home is your marriage. If your marriage is not modeled after God’s pattern for the marriage relationship, you are going to have a very hard time creating an atmosphere in your home that honors Christ. That’s because your relationship with each other is supposed to mirror God’s relationship with His people (Ephesians 5:22-32). It’s a symbol, an image of the kind of interaction and love God desires to have with His own.

Toward that end, I’m working to provide resources to help you take your marriage relationship to a new, Christ-filled level. I’ve already produced my Marriage Improvement Project book, (ebook & paperback) and also do marriage intensive counseling for those in need. But in weeks and months to come I’ll be rolling out some more articles on the blog, and additional resources to help you improve your marriage. I am hoping that some of those resources will be unique events, designed for couples who are eager to see their marriage become the best example of Christ’s love for his bride that it can be. I’m already hosting the “Understanding Way Weekend” for Christian husbands. You can find out more about that event here.

FAMILY

Here’s where we get to the main concern on many parents’ hearts – their children. Most Christian parents want to see their children walking faithfully through life in a way that honors and exalts Jesus Christ. But that kind of legacy is built upon the efforts of the two previous areas. So, if you’re looking for parenting help, I am providing it bit at a time, but you need to know that your first order of business is to get the previous two areas on track.

That doesn’t mean I’m not working on resources in this area. My plan at this point is to continue blog articles aimed at parents, to help you develop the mindset and methods that can help you raise your children in a practical, Christ-honoring way. In time, I’ll be producing a book on the subject of Christian parenting, with my wife’s tremendous input. You can pray for us, that we’ll be sensitive to the LORD’s lead on that project and know better how to proceed.

One other idea we’ve had, which is an item of prayer, are practical events for Christian parents, aimed at helping them apply the wisdom of God’s word directly to the parenting situations they face. For now, we are referring to these as “Christian parenting intensives,” which could be done 2 on 2, or in a group context. We’re also considering day-long seminars where 8 to 10 couples come together to learn God’s principles for life and parenting with integrated discussions regarding how those principles relate to the real-life situations parents face in our world.

HOW IT’S GOING TO HAPPEN

In terms of how I’m going to go about all this, here are my current thoughts:

The podcast will be back on the air soon… but with a slightly different format on many of the episodes. I’m expecting to do video recordings, to post on the blog, and take the audio from those videos to publish as the podcast. Most of the time, these will be in bite-sized chunks, tips and powerful truths from the scriptures you can meditate on and consume quickly. But there will also be occasions where I feature a guest interview or do some extended teaching as I have in the past.
The blog is resuming, with articles expected at least twice a week (in addition to the podcast episodes). I’ll continue to cover the three topics mentioned above, with a stronger focus on how the three areas fit together to create a lasting legacy of faithfulness to Christ in the family.
Videos are part of my strategy toward the future. More and more people are turning to video for the information they need, and I want to be there to help those who are looking for Christian family oriented resources. I’ll be posting more often to YouTube as well as featuring those videos here on the website. In time, I’ll be able to compile many of those resources into products that families or church groups can use in a concentrated way. You can pray for me as I begin learning the technological things need to make the videos helpful, good quality, and effective.
More books are on the way. The LORD has impressed on my heart that I’m to maximize my teaching and writing gifts in the calling He’s given me to equip you for a lasting legacy of faith. So I’ll be formatting some of my teaching from years gone by into books, and creating new ones to help you navigate family life in the crazy world in which we live. I’ve already completed one work of Christian fiction, soon to be released. It’s a novel for young adults and adults, aimed at using the power of story to communicate timeless, Christ-centered truths about faith and life.

And, I’m sure, the LORD will lead me into additional things…

to help you maximize His calling on your life and the work His Spirit desires to complete in you. I’d love to get your feedback… and to know how I can help you. You matter to me, because God’s work through you and your family matter.

Have you caught the vision?

Do you realize that God’s ideal is for your family to honor Him for generations?
Do you recognize that nothing short of a radical commitment to His truth, applied in your life, is going to make that possible?
Do you know, that His Spirit will empower you to make it happen as you are faithful to live in obedience to Him, one step at a time?

So much is at stake, and you and I have the great honor to partner with the LORD in seeing it come about. He will do it through us, as we do our part to draw near to Him and work alongside Him.

I’d love to know how this idea strikes you.

Are you in? Are you ready to move passionately toward the LORD for the sake of your family, for the sake of generations?

Categories : General Announcements, Marriage, Parenting, Spirit Health

Tags : Christian Home and Family, Christian marriage, Christian parenting

Do you live with your wife in an understanding way? – an event opportunity for married men

Posted by Carey

· Saturday, January 4th, 2014

One of the passages that the LORD has graciously used to kindly “beat me up” since the early days of my marriage is 1 Peter 3:7

Likewise, husbands, live with your wives in an understanding way, showing honor to the woman as the weaker vessel, since they are heirs with you of the grace of life, so that your prayers may not be hindered. 1 Peter 3:7

Over the years I’ve learned (many times the “hard way”) what it means to live with Mindi in an “understanding way” as Peter instructs.

It’s more than:

being nice
providing income
being at home (instead of at the bar, the gym, the office, etc.)
not yelling
helping out with the dishes now and then
not leaving your underwear on the floor…

It’s about HER.

Guys… we have got to learn to UNDERSTAND our spouses. Peter says that when we live with them in that way… things are being done God’s way.

An event for married men

For the longest time, I’ve had a heart to share what I’ve learned in this area with those who need it most.

Married men.

Married Christian men who want more for their marriages but may not know exactly how to accomplish it.

I know you guys… you truly WANT to care for your wife well, but you’re like me sometimes:

proud
defensive
uncertain what to do
confused by the differences between how you think and feel and how she thinks and feels

Did I get it right?

I’ve finally sensed the LORD telling me it’s time… to put on an event for men that will help us, together, to explore some of those issues and come out on the other side better equipped to love our wives as we really want to.

It’s called:

It’s intentionally going to be for a small group of men -8 to 10, max. If there is a greater demand than that… I’ll schedule more of these events.

It’s a small-group format because I think it’s important that we have time to discuss and that everyone has the opportunity to express the details of their own situation and their own frustrations.

That’s how we can know how to best help each other as brothers in Christ.

And that’s how we’ll be able to discern the best way to apply the truths of scripture to the situations we face.

It’s going to be a great time… and I’d love to see you there.

As I said – space is limited, so if you are at all interested, don’t wait. (But I will start a waiting list if needed).

Thanks guys… I pray God’s blessing on you, your wife, and your marriage.

Categories : Marriage

Tags : 1 Peter 3:7, husbands love your wives, men's weekend, understanding way

Podcast 59 – Working hard at work while working hard at home

Posted by Carey

· Wednesday, October 23rd, 2013

Today’s Guest

Jason T. Wiser

REVIEW ON I-TUNES

SUMMARY OF TODAY’S PODCAST

Working Hard at Work While Working Hard at Home

Any parent or spouse knows the depth of desire that wells up in your heart when you realize the great responsibility you have to your spouse or your children. But when you add the burden of being a provider to the mix, it can become overwhelming very quickly. How do you keep the balance right so you’re not spending too much time at work? How do you invest in your spouse and children purposefully while working hard at work? How do you make the time? How do you keep both going well? In today’s episode I’m talking with Jason T. Wiser about the difficulty of that balance and how we can go about staying steady in our battle to live rightly in both areas.

Links mentioned in this podcast:

Jason’s business website – Webination Station
SHARE THE PODCAST using the social sharing buttons on the side of this page!

SUBSCRIBE TO THE CHRISTIAN HOME AND FAMILY PODCAST

Or if you are using a “podcatcher” here is the feed address: https://christianhomeandfamily.com/feed/podcast/ LEAVE FEEDBACK AND A REVIEW ON I-TUNES

NEXT EPISODE: October 30, 2013 – Podcast 60 – Scripture Memory through Music with Daniel Stephens

Categories : Marriage, Podcast

Tags : hard work, work and home balance

Podcast 58 – a sabbath rest for your family

Posted by Carey

· Wednesday, October 16th, 2013

Today’s Speaker

Carey Green

REVIEW ON I-TUNES

SUMMARY OF TODAY’S PODCAST

a sabbath rest for your family

The idea of a “sabbath” has taken on all kinds of worship-oriented connotations that I don’t think the LORD meant it to have. The main idea you see in scripture is the idea of rest… it’s a statement of our neediness before God. He shows His goodness to use by giving us an instruction that keeps us healthy and balanced through rest. In this episode of the podcast I’m going to briefly tell you about this concept and how you can implement the idea in your family to help you stay healthy and stress-free.

[pullquote]The sabbath is given to us by God, for our good. We are wise to put it into practice.[/pullquote] Use the quote to the left to share on your Facebook and Twitter accounts. That’s one way you can help spread the word about The Christian Home and Family Podcast and help me spread the Word and ways of God to more and more families.

Links mentioned in this podcast:

The family dating game – podcast episode 55
SHARE THE PODCAST using the social sharing buttons on the side of this page!

SUBSCRIBE TO THE CHRISTIAN HOME AND FAMILY PODCAST

Or if you are using a “podcatcher” here is the feed address: https://christianhomeandfamily.com/feed/podcast/ LEAVE FEEDBACK AND A REVIEW ON I-TUNES

NEXT EPISODE: October 23, 2013 – Podcast 59 – Balancing Business and Home Life with Jason T. Wiser

Categories : Marriage, Parenting, Podcast

Tags : family sabbath, Sabbath rest, strees relief, stress management

Podcast 57 – The number one way to kill your marriage

Posted by Carey

· Wednesday, October 9th, 2013

Today’s Speaker

Carey Green

REVIEW ON I-TUNES

SUMMARY OF TODAY’S PODCAST

The Number One Way to Kill your Marriage

In over 20 years of working with my wife, alongside couples in a context of marriage counseling, I have seen one thing that kills more marriages than anything else. It’s not anger. It’s not infidelity. It’s not financial disagreements. It’s not having to deal with a blended family. It’s not nosy in-laws. What is it? It’s pride. Plain and simple.

In this episode of the podcast I’m going to highlight some of the ways that pride manifests itself in marriage and provide some resources you can use to get yourself out of the pride-trap so that your marriage can receive the grace of God toward healing and wholeness.

[pullquote]Pride will kill your marriage faster than anything. God opposes the proud.[/pullquote] Use the quote to the left to share on your Facebook and Twitter accounts. That’s one way you can help spread the word about The Christian Home and Family Podcast and help me spread the Word and ways of God to more and more families.

Links mentioned in this podcast:

Episode 54 – How Unity in the Family is built on humility
Marriage on the Rock by Jimmy Evans
The Marriage Improvement Project
Marriage Intensive Weekends
SHARE THE PODCAST using the social sharing buttons on the side of this page!

SUBSCRIBE TO THE CHRISTIAN HOME AND FAMILY PODCAST

Or if you are using a “podcatcher” here is the feed address: https://christianhomeandfamily.com/feed/podcast/ LEAVE FEEDBACK AND A REVIEW ON I-TUNES

NEXT EPISODE: October 16, 2013 – Podcast 58 – TO BE DETERMINED

Categories : Marriage, Podcast

Podcast 56 – Teaching your kids to pray for their future spouse

Posted by Carey

· Wednesday, October 2nd, 2013

Today’s Guests

Mindi & Melinda Green

REVIEW ON I-TUNES

SUMMARY OF TODAY’S PODCAST

Teaching your kids to pray for their future spouse

We pray about the big things in life, but for some reason not many people pray for the person who will have the most influence and affect on their life – their spouse. In this episode of the podcast I’m joined by my wife and oldest daughter, Melinda, to talk about a practice my wife developed when she was 14 years old. What she did was make a list of “standards” (as she calls them) for what she wanted in her husband. As you’ll hear, the list went through many changes over the years, but it served as a basis of prayer for her that enabled her to see the faithfulness of God fleshed out in a powerful way in her life. Listen as the two of them challenge you to consider the importance and impact this simple, do-able idea can have in the lives of your children and your family, for generations. [pullquote]Take this seriously… praying for your future spouse is one of the most important things you can do.[/pullquote]

Use the quote to the left to share on your Facebook and Twitter accounts. That’s one way you can help spread the word about The Christian Home and Family Podcast and help me spread the Word and ways of God to more and more families.

Links mentioned in this podcast:

Contact Christian Home and Family
SHARE THE PODCAST using the social sharing buttons on the side of this page!

SUBSCRIBE TO THE CHRISTIAN HOME AND FAMILY PODCAST

Or if you are using a “podcatcher” here is the feed address: https://christianhomeandfamily.com/feed/podcast/ LEAVE FEEDBACK AND A REVIEW ON I-TUNES

NEXT EPISODE: October 0, 2013 – Podcast 57 – TO BE DETERMINED

Categories : Marriage, Parenting, Podcast

Tags : future spouse, kids prayer, pray for your spouse

God’s purpose for the family throughout history

Posted by Carey

· Friday, September 27th, 2013

Today’s post is a fragment of my partner video, that tells about the purpose and direction of the ministry of Christian Home and Family. This post in particular is aobut the purpose for the family God has carried out through history. You can read the video text below the video.

God’s purpose for the family

is not clearly seen until you walk through history like this with an eye to see it. It is one of the main ways He’s worked and has intended to work in the world.

Some questions for us to consider:

Does the way I lead my family correspond to the purpose for the family God intends?
What can I do to make changes in the right direction?

VIDEO TEXT:

The generational legacy of faith that I’m talking about is vitally important because it is deeply engrained in God’s plans for humanity… Throughout the history of the world, God has been at work… and He’s been at work specifically through the family…

At the very beginning of God’s work, He created two people, Adam and Eve… and He made them what? A family… and through the entrance of sin, their family was corrupted…

To the point that the next major event in history is the flood, where God judges the sin of mankind. But with judgment also comes deliverance… and He brings that deliverance through what? … a faithful family (Noah’s family)

The next major figure in God’s building project is a man named Abraham, who God promises what? A family, a lineage, a line of descendants through whom the entire world will be blessed.

Abraham receives his promised son Isaac… who has a family of his own. One of his sons is Jacob, who God later renames Israel. Israel has a family, 1 daughter and 12 sons, who are the heads of the 12 tribes of Israel. Do you see that the history of the nation of Israel, is the history of a family… with all it’s good and bad points? God was still doing His own building project through the family…

As God begins to establish the family of Israel, one of the very first commands given is to the individual families within the larger family of Israel… He says…”You shall love the LORD your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your might. And these words that I command you today shall be on your heart. You shall teach them diligently to your children, and shall talk of them when you sit in your house, and when you walk by the way, and when you lie down, and when you rise. You shall bind them as a sign on your hand, and they shall be as frontlets between your eyes. You shall write them on the doorposts of your house and on your gates.”

The point? – The individual families were to be the primary place where devotion to God was the be passed along. It had to begin with the parents, who were to love God with all they were… and they were to pass their vibrant faith to their children, both by example and instruction. It was to be a generational legacy, developed in the home.

Kings were appointed to lead Israel, and their 2^nd and greatest king was David. Though Israel’s greatest king, David failed in his own household, and the results were disastrous for the nation’s history… all because one of the first and most influential families whom God had appointed to lead the nation, lost their way…

In Psalm 78, God reminded Israel of the vital role the family was to play…. “He established a testimony in Jacob and appointed a law in Israel, which he commanded our fathers to teach to their children, that the next generation might know them, the children yet unborn, and arise and tell them to their children, so that they should set their hope in God and not forget the works of God, but keep His commandments.”

[pullquote position=”right”]Faithfulness is to be passed down through the generations.[/pullquote] That’s how God builds His people. A generational legacy of faith, passed down through families has been God’s plan all along.

After hundreds of years of family failures, God speaks at the end of the Old Testament, telling what His next prophet’s role will be… “Behold, I will send you Elijah the prophet before the great and awesome day of the LORD comes. And he will turn the hearts of fathers to their children and the hearts of children to their fathers, lest I come and strike the land with a decree of utter destruction.”

God was going to send a prophet (John the Baptist) to preach in the power of the Holy Spirit, in such a way that the family unit was restored.… so that the intended pattern of generational faithfulness and legacy could be revived.

Then came Jesus… born into what? A family. As His mother, Mary was realizing the greatness of what God was doing, she said, “He has helped his servant Israel, in remembrance of His mercy, as he spoke to our fathers, to Abraham and his offspring forever.”

Mary recognized that the miracle of her Son’s birth was connected to God’s promise to be merciful to the family of Abraham… Jesus is the offspring through whom all the world is blessed… and He came to us through the family line God built in Abraham…

The New Testament instructs to keep the family at the center of passing along the legacy of true faith. “Fathers do not provoke your children to anger, but bring them up in the discipline and instruction of the LORD.”

And we find ourselves here, today… when families are in trouble all over the globe. God is calling me to help families build their own legacy of faith to be passed on through the generations of their families

[pullquote position=”right”]Because a generational legacy of faith, passed on through the family is THE biblical pattern for spiritual growth and vitality.[/pullquote]

Categories : Marriage, Parenting

Tags : faithful family, God's purpose for the family, history of the family

Podcast 55 – The family dating game

Posted by Carey

· Wednesday, September 25th, 2013

Today’s Speaker

Carey Green

REVIEW ON I-TUNES

SUMMARY OF TODAY’S PODCAST

The Family Dating Game

When you hear the word “dating” you might think immediately of those emotionally laden years before you were married. You were looking for Mr. or Miss. “Right” and the tension and hopes were high. Ultimately, you wanted to have some positive, healthy, deep experiences with another person that lead you to a lifelong commitment with a partner the LORD had chosen for you. Those same deep experiences need to be happening still, even after you’re married. And it goes beyond the practice of dating your spouse, you can also begin having “dates” with your kids too! In this episode of the podcast I’m going to give you some background, tips, and ideas regarding how you: a Mom, Dad, Husband, or Wife, can begin to “date” your family. This kind of family dating game is fun, effective, and powerful in the long run. I think you’re gonna’ like this one![pullquote]Getting into the habit of dating my wife and kids has been one of the most helpful and healthy things for our relationships. – Carey Green[/pullquote]

Links mentioned in this podcast:

Contact Christian Home and Family
20 ideas for dating your wife (article on Family Life website)
How to date your kids (article at Keeper of the Home website)
A Date with Dad (article on the Focus on the Family website)
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Episode Outline: The Family Dating Game

I. What do I mean by the “Family Dating Game?”

Setting up undistracted time to be with your family members individually.
It’s an opportunity to go deeper in your relationship together.
It’s a change to be real about life (your life and their life).
A consistent practice of “dates” will intentionally build your relationship over time.

II. What to do.

ost important: be together.
Have fun.
Vary it up.
Always make room for conversation.
Be purposeful – in your conversation, in your attention to that person, in your desire to know and love them.
YOUNGER CHILDREN: Play, draw, color, go to the park, play dough.

III. Topics/Questions

What is the happiest thing in your life right now?
What is the saddest thing in your life right now?
Are there any things you are looking forward to?
Are there any things you are struggling with?
Is there anything you are very excited about?
Is there anything you are fearful about?
Do you feel any tension between us?
Have I hurt you in any way?
How can I help you?
How can I better love you?
How can I better encourage you?
What thoughts have you had about God lately?
Has God shown you anything meaningful recently?
What have you been learning about God lately?
Do you feel close to God?

IV. Planning

Make it regular – weekly is best, bi-weekly is OK, monthly is fine – it all depends on your schedule. But make it a REGULAR priority.
Block out time for it – this is a priority as important as work. It communicate value of that person when you block out time for it.
Make it happen – consider the benefits, consider the damage if you don’t, no excuses.

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NEXT EPISODE: October2, 2013 – Podcast 56 – TO BE DETERMINED

Categories : Marriage, Parenting, Podcast

Tags : date your children, date your kids, date your spouse, date your wife, dating game, family health

Taking responsibility for your life

Posted by Carey

· Friday, September 20th, 2013

This is a “repost” of the very first post I ever did on this blog… way back on 5/13/2012

It took me 45 years of life, 23 years of marriage, 5 kids, and a TON of God’s grace to truly “get” what I am praying you will get from this post.

It’s my prayer that the LORD will do a work in you to help you get it much sooner.

So, let me start by telling you about the day I had my first deep convictions about the issue…

My stewardship story

My wife and I married in 1989, and in 1991 our first son Aaron was born.

One morning after we got him home from the hospital I was sitting in his room doing some reading. Given the circumstance, it probably won’t surprise you to know that I was reading a book on the subject of fatherhood. As I was finishing up the last page of the book that morning, the very last sentence caught my attention in a way I’ll never forget. Though I don’t remember the exact words, the idea was this:

“In the end, what matters is that I am a good husband and an effective father. By comparison, nothing else matters.”

“By comparison, nothing else matters.” It was an extreme statement, and it got me thinking.

My mind began to create a hypothetical situation, and it changed my life.

I saw myself as an old man, looking back on the events of my life.

I imagined being wildly successful as a minister of the gospel (since full time ministry was where I was headed). I thought of the most extreme and successful example I could, a “ what if” scenario.

What if I were able to become a widely known and effective evangelist like Billy Graham? What if I were to become a well-known author and speaker, like Chuck Swindoll? What if the LORD chose to bless me in such an unbelievable way? Surely that would be a life to be proud of.

But how would it be if, in the midst of that kind of ministry success, the members of my own household did not evidence genuine faith in Christ? What if the demands of ministry, as important as they are, drew me away from diligently shepherding my own family?

My newborn son was lying in his crib, 6 feet away. I closed the book and walked over to the crib where he was sleeping. He was a treasure beyond compare; a staggering gift with which I had been entrusted. To see him eternally lost because of my own short-sightedness, negligence, or laziness was an unbearable thought, and a regret I couldn’t imagine living with.

That is the first time I remember being aware of a vital truth that has continued to shape me to this day.

Stewardship is the Issue

[pullquote position=”right”]Before I am anything else, I am a follower of Jesus Christ; and as a follower of Christ I am responsible for everything and everyone He has given to me. I am a steward.[/pullquote]

I have come to believe that is the way God sees it. My family is one of my greatest responsibilities. They are my first disciples. And the fact that I will someday answer to the living God for the leadership of my family has become a powerful and constant motivation in my life.

What I learned that morning has deep implications for how I go about life.

For example, I cannot serve my family well, if I am not well. I cannot lead them if I am unable to lead myself. Areas of my life that once seemed unrelated to my leadership of the family have come into focus as direct contributors to it. My health, my work, my lifestyle choices, my finances, my ideas and dreams, the relationships I have with people outside my immediate family – these are just the beginning of the things that directly impact how I steward the family God has given me to lead.

Practically speaking, here are some examples of what it means for me:

If my family is to be honest and trustworthy, I must take the lead in being honest and trustworthy myself.
If I want my children to be physically healthy, I have to set the pace by stewarding my own health well.
If I want to raise God-fearing kids, I must first fear God myself.If I desire them to be students of the scriptures, I have to set the example for them to imitate.
If I long for prayer to characterize their lives, I must first be a man of prayer myself.
If I want love and godly character to be the hallmark of their lives, I must first learn to walk in the power of the Spirit to be those things myself.
And the list goes on, and on, and on, and…

DO YOU GET IT?

Before you read any further, I want you to consider how these things apply to you.

Are you a husband?
A wife?
A parent?
A grandparent?
For what and whom are you responsible before God?

This is about your responsibility before the living God… for the life, people, and things He’s given you. Have you taken the time to consider the true weight of responsibility all of that is? Once you see it, what will you do about it?

In everything I post on this website, I want to help you stoke the flames of godly accountability for your own life and your own family, until that fire of responsibility burns strongly in your heart. Whether you are a dad like me, or a mom, or a grandparent, or an older brother or sister, our LORD desires to use you to make an eternal difference in the lives of those He’s given you to shepherd. You are an integral part of His plan to spread His fame and blessing throughout creation.

I exhort you to let that responsibility weigh on you appropriately, so that you will be motivated to be intentional about fulfilling it.

Stewardship, under the leadership of Christ, is the issue.

Therefore you also must be ready, for the Son of Man is coming at an hour you do not expect. “Who then is the faithful and wise servant, whom his master has set over his household, to give them their food at the proper time? Blessed is that servant whom his master will find so doing when he comes. Truly, I say to you, he will set him over all his possessions. But if that wicked servant says to himself, ‘My master is delayed,’ and begins to beat his fellow servants and eats and drinks with drunkards, the master of that servant will come on a day when he does not expect him and at an hour he does not know and will cut him in pieces and put him with the hypocrites. In that place there will be weeping and gnashing of teeth. – Matthew 24:44-51

It’s possible that you’ve read this far and can’t say you personally know Jesus as your LORD and Savior. If so, nothing on this page really matters to you… not yet. You need to become a part of the family of God, through faith in Jesus Christ before it can. Please… don’t pass off the opportunity to know for sure that you are forgiven and accepted by God Himself. Take the time to go to this link, and prayerfully consider what God has done to show His love to you. You’ll be glad you did.

Categories : Marriage, Parenting, Spirit Health

Tags : great responsibility, personal responsibility, take charge, you are responsible, your job responsible for your life

Podcast 54 – The foundation of family unity

Posted by Carey

· Wednesday, September 18th, 2013

Today’s Speaker

Carey Green

REVIEW ON I-TUNES

SUMMARY OF TODAY’S PODCAST

The Foundation of Family Unity

Sibling rivalries. Loud arguments and disagreements. Violence. These are some of the more extreme things that can happen in a home where family unity is not carefully and diligently built. When that’s the case, the home can be one of the most volatile and unhappy places. Where does family unity come from? How do you go about building it? Those are important questions and they all begin with one simple concept that has to be taught and embraced by everyone in the family. When it happens, unity is a natural by-product. Listen as I unpack the truths of Philippians chapter 2 to reveal the foundation of family unity.[pullquote]You have no hope of building unity into your family without the essential ingredient of humility. – Carey Green[/pullquote]

Links mentioned in this podcast:

Contact Christian Home and Family

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NEXT EPISODE: September 25, 2013 – Podcast 55 – TO BE DETERMINED

Categories : Marriage, Parenting, Podcast

Tags : family unity, happy family, happy home, sibling rivalry

Dealing with changes in your marriage

Posted by Carey

· Monday, September 16th, 2013

Changes in your marriage can throw you for a loop…

It’s quickly approaching fall time as I write this. I look out my front door and see the first signs of yellowing aspens far up on the shoulder of the mountains. When it comes to the seasons, I like change.

I like the crisp feelings of fall time, the cozy feel of winter, and the exciting feeling of new life that accompanies spring. Summer… well, it’s just plain, old fun!

But when it comes to the seasons I face in my marriage, I have a harder time enjoying the changes that come.

Life is constantly changing

Life brings change. I can’t get around it. I think of my 24 years of marriage and can see a few immediate, distinct seasons…

the honeymoon years
the joys of being new parents
those early “get established” years of my early employment
the challenges of being parents of more than one child
the toddler years
the busy-ness of those “primary” years
for me, there were the “ministry” years as a Pastor
being a parent of children of multiple ages & stages
puberty (for my kids)
young adulthood (teenage years)
my first adult children
my first grandchild
now we’re facing a new stage that I don’t even know how to identify…

Marriage is full of change

The bullet list above is an example of how life forces us to adapt. But there are other examples. One of the most important for the subject of marriage is this: people change.

As individuals, we learn. We grow. We see things in new ways. We change our opinions. We change our preferences.

But it’s more than simply changing our opinions, we also change because the events and circumstances of life have a lasting impact on us. Others wound us. Disappointments upset our expectations. Our youthful dreams are tempered by the harsh realities of living in a fallen world. These types of things shape us too… they change us on the inside.

Not only does life change, WE change.

Change can upset your marriage

Part of our dysfunction as human beings is that we resist change… I think, because it brings insecurity. As I’ve looked at my own response to life I see a pattern that makes change especially hard…

I learn ways of coping/living with the way life is.
I settle into those patterns.
I begin to depend on them.
When something threatens them, I resist change.

That’s pretty natural (I think)… but what happens when the changes life is bringing are changes to the PERSON you married?

Practically, here’s how it could look if I’m not careful…

I’ll try to deal with my wife as I always have, but…
My habitual responses to her present-day problems will become increasingly out-of-touch and unhelpful.
I’ll expect things of her that she’s incapable of doing anymore.
My expectations could become a limiting, unfair boundary.
She might feel more and more misunderstood.
As a result, I could unintentionally communicate a dislike of her.

But there’s another side to this complex equation… I have changed too.

I don’t deal with things as I used to. I don’t see them the same way as before. My opinions, attitudes, outlook, and approach to life have all been tempered and twisted into the new “me” that exists today.

[pullquote position=”right”]My new “me,” and her new “me,” can easily come into conflict because neither of us are used to the other.[/pullquote]

The answer is not divorce… the answer is to learn how to love each other, all over again.

Dealing with changes in your marriage

Here’s how I’m learning to deal with changes in my marriage:

I’m learning to accept that changes in my marriage are good… like the seasons. New things are on the horizon, and God is working them for our good (Romans 8:28).
I’m trying to see my “new wife” through the lens of where we’ve been together thus far. The joys and sorrows of our mutual experience help me better understand who she’s become and who she’s becoming.
I’m trying to listen with new ears… to push away my assumptions about how she thinks and feels. I want to hear from her in brand new ways so that I can understand the new things the LORD is doing in her through the seasons of life He’s taking her through.
I’m attempting to be honest with myself and with my wife about the changes God has been working in me.
I’m trying to let go of my “tried and true” tactics of relating so that I can learn to be what she needs from me now, in THIS season of life.
I’m asking the LORD to give me understanding of her, day by day (1 Peter 3:7).
I’ve decided to hold her – a lot. I don’t want the awkwardness of change to make her feel like we are being pushed away from each other.

What have YOU found helpful as you deal with the changes in your marriage?

Categories : Marriage

Tags : changes in marriage, how to deal with marital changes, marriage changes, seasons of marriage

Podcast 53 – Intensive Christian Marriage Retreats

Posted by Carey

· Wednesday, September 11th, 2013

Today’s Speaker

Carey Green

REVIEW ON I-TUNES

SUMMARY OF TODAY’S PODCAST

Intensive Christian Marriage Retreats

In modern times we’ve come to think of relational struggles as areas needing the help of “professionals.” Therapists, Counselors, Analysts, Psychiatrist, etc. I’m sure there is benefit in some of those types of relationships. But what my wife and I have discovered is that mature, biblically based Christians who know how to be dependent on the Holy Spirit make some of the best counselors. The reason? Because they are depending on the TRUE Counselor – the Holy Spirit. This realization is what has prompted my wife and I to begin offering Intensive Christian Marriage Retreats where a couple in need can go one on one with us as we seek the Holy Spirit’s help together to address the issues that are disrupting their marriage and relationship.

In this episode of the podcast I’m answering the most common questions I get about the marriage retreats we do… from what it is, to how it works, to how to schedule one for yourself. If your marriage is in need of a jump-start or new breath of life, a Christian marriage retreat may be just the thing.

[pullquote]A marriage intensive is for you to take some intentional, focused time to identify and address the things that are blocking your marriage relationship, sot hat you can more forward positively with God’s help… and it’s not for the faint of heart. – Carey Green[/pullquote] Use the quote to the left to share on your Facebook and Twitter accounts. That’s one way you can help spread the word about The Christian Home and Family Podcast and help me spread the Word and ways of God to more and more families.

Links mentioned in this podcast:

Christian marriage intensive page

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Archive for Marriage

#1: So far I’ve said very little about many of the things typically addressed in a series about a Christ-centered home and family.

#2: In this series, so far I’ve focused primarily on YOU, as an individual, not on your family as a group.

Q: What will you do with what you’ve learned so far?

Q: How will you begin ensuring that Christ is central to your life?

Our culture tends to be a really self centered. There is not much grace for the personal weakness of others.

What you’ll learn about loving your spouse’s personal weaknesses…

What I’ve discovered about proactively loving the personal weaknesses of my spouse (and that she’s learned about mine)…

Thinking ahead in light of your spouse’s personal weaknesses can help you help them through the power of love that never fails. Here’s how it works…

The love of Jesus (dying on the cross) demonstrates the way we are to sacrifice in order to meet the exact needs of others, especially those we love most

Connect With Carey and Christian Home and Family

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The foundation of a marriage is an important thing.

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*******************

God IS

The LORD, the LORD (the I Am, the I Am)

merciful and gracious

slow to anger

abounding in steadfast love and faithfulness, keeping steadfast love for thousands

forgiving iniquity and transgression and sin

but who will by no means clear the guilty, visiting the iniquity of the fathers on the children and the children’s children, to the third and the fourth generation.

The kind of marriage connection you want is possible…

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In a Christian marriage, communication is one of the foundational things that enables man and wife to live together in harmony.

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If you’re wondering how to build marital trust, it’s really pretty simple.

One of the most devastating examples of broken trust in marriage is in the case of adultery.

So what am I advocating? That couples build marital trust by telling each other EVERYTHING.

Steps to building marital trust.

1 Confess and repent.

2 Make a newfound commitment to openness.

3 Be intentional about your decision.

4 Fight to build the new habit.

What is the first step you need to take in order to address this issue – right now? Go do it.

Every marriage that breaks down is different.

Joe (not his real name) discovered that his wife was engaged in what he called an “emotional affair.”

Joe contacted me after the idea of an intensive counseling weekend came to his mind.

Trusting God with those who have hurt you is a difficult thing.

Your marriage can’t heal with that log in your eye.

When you think of sex, it’s natural to think of pleasure. The tabloid’s obviously do…

But the belief that sex is about pleasure is a false belief.

If sex is not about pleasure, what IS it about? Beyond the obvious result of procreation, sex is about two things…

The expression of love and service through sex means a lot of things:

But the point is this:

I know there are seeming contradictions in those things…

Leave your comments below.

I love the message of Casting Crown’s new video “Broken Together”

Watch “Broken Together” by Casting Crowns and leave your impressions in the comments below.

“You’ve changed!”

It sounds stupid now, but when I first married, I didn’t expect my wife to change…

You’ve changed! 🙁

Growth and change bring certain challenges

Changes are especially difficult to manage in marriage

Your spouse has changed… how have you handled it?

You’ve changed! Yes, I have. And I’m glad. 🙂

Your husband needs you to say it to him.

What is it he needs to hear you say?

Say it to him.

What if you can’t say it to him?

Here’s a love song that stirs my heart every time I hear it.

Your wife needs you to say it to her.

What is it she needs to hear you say?

Say it to her

What if you can’t say it to her?

Here’s a love song that stirs my heart every time I hear it.

Quite a while back I wrote a post called “My Husband Hates Me… at least it feels that way.”

What matters most for a hurting wife or a hurting husband is not the comfort God may bring, or the assurance He might give.

If you’re not careful, you will destroy the ones you love, without even knowing it. Here’s how to find out if you are, and what you can do about it.

OK, I agree, the title of this episode is a bit weird. I mean, who really WANTS to destroy the people they love?

Words are powerful, powerful tools for both good and evil.

So here’s a point I want you to ponder, as a spouse and as a parent.

There are two reasons I’m encouraging you toward this kind of clarity about yourself…

HOW DO YOU FIND OUT THE EFFECT YOUR WORDS ARE HAVING?

Our gut-level human instinct tells us not to admit our failures, especially to our spouse or kids.

My wife and kids respect me more when I admit my failures.

There are some HUGE benefits to that kind of transparency, for me and for them:

Here’s a song about being a failure, a loser, a no-account in human terms, but something much more in God’s sight.

Neither you, nor your kids, see yourselves rightly. Here’s God’s promise to help you see your way clear and bring greater glory to Him…

The more days of life I log on this planet, the more I come to realize that the way we humans perceive ourselves is foggy at best.

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