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103-personal-freedom-guts-parenting-YT

How a commitment to personal freedom is gutting Christian parenting [Ep 103]

Posted by Carey 
· Thursday, December 21st, 2017 

How a commitment to personal freedom is gutting Christian parenting…

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A while back my wife and I were talking about absolutes…

As we sat over coffee at our favorite local hangout (my favorite drink is a “Honey Badger,” with a little extra “badger” – you should try one), we were trying to soak in the blessings God has poured out on our lives. We both teared up at times (which happens when you realize how much you don’t deserve all the goodness you get from God).

We were wondering at the fact that so many in the new generation of parents seem to be put off by absolutes.

We hear it often in statements like these…

I want to parent in a way that encourages my child to take charge of their life.

I don’t want to require things of my kids, I want them to discover it for themselves.

I want my kids to be free to chose their own path.

On the surface all of these statements have some elements of truth to them. I have no problem there.

But stated in those ways, each of them communicates what I believe is an underlying belief system – that personal freedom is of the utmost value. And that’s a poisonous contention that is quickly gutting Christian parenting of its effectiveness.

Freedom is a great blessing God has given to us as humans… but it has its limits.

In my years as a pastor I was often asked what I thought about the issue of “free will.” It’s a sort of hotbed issue for many who enjoy the intellectual challenge of understanding deep things.

My answer was seldom satisfactory for most people who asked, but it’s one I’ve come to over many years of watching the impact both sides of the debate have had on the real lives of people.

My response to the question?

I believe people have “free will,” but only within the limits of what they are as creatures.

Simply, that means that God remains God. He gets to choose everything that happens, and He does. Our freedom operates within that, underneath that, never outside it.

So, are we responsible for the choices we make? Absolutely. But over and above that choice is God, working all things together for our good and His glory.

How does this gut Christian parenting of its effectiveness?

When parents put emphasis on teaching their children that they are free to choose, to act, to determine their own destiny, they are doing a good thing. Those are important realizations for anyone to come to.

But if they do so to a greater degree than they focus on the fact that the child is deeply loved by and answerable to the living God, that child is being deprived of the most central reality of the universe: God Himself as an active part of life.

christian parenting

What’s the most important thing you could teach them from an early age?

He is life.

THAT is the truth that governs all that is. It’s the sovereign fact that trumps the child’s personal freedom every, single time.

Knowing that God is real, alive, and personally active in their life is what will activate and grow the child’s godly conscience. It’s what will make them care whether their actions and attitudes are rebellious and self absorbed, or appropriately submissive and others-centered.

This morning as we sat over our drinks, my wife recalled a memory from when our oldest son was very small, perhaps 7 or 8 months old. He sat in his bouncy seat on the kitchen table while she put away the dishes.

She told him about Jesus. She told him that her smile was a Jesus’ smile, that Jesus was happy about Aaron (our son’s name).

Those kinds of interactions have been a regular part of how my wife parents.

Did Aaron understand what she was saying?

At that age, not intellectually. But his young soul was sponge-like, soaking up truth as it was being spoken.

As those truths were added to over the years and lived out by the most influential people in his life (his parents), they shaped him from the inside out, orienting him toward God-as-King rather than self-determination.

5 children later, we’ve seen the fruit of those faithful and genuine actions 5 times over.

I say none of this to impress you, but to impress something upon you…

When we favor personal freedom over personal responsibility to the God who is here, now, actively interacting with us, we set up ourselves as the most important consideration.

We push God out of awareness. We make self-determination the highest value. And God becomes an impersonal concept, subject to our individual beliefs about Him.

It’s a pattern for self-deception and soul-destruction.

Seek the Lord and live, lest He break out like fire in the house of Joseph, and it devour, with none to quench it for Bethel, O you who turn justice to wormwood and cast down righteousness to the earth! He who made the Pleiades and Orion, and turns deep darkness into the morning and darkens the day into night, who calls for the waters of the sea and pours them out on the surface of the earth, the Lord is his name; who makes destruction flash forth against the strong, so that destruction comes upon the fortress. They hate Him who reproves in the gate, and they abhor Him who speaks the truth. ~ Amos 6:6-10

Though originally spoken to a culture very far removed from our own, the lesson Amos declares rings true for us today.

  • When we seek the LORD, we will live.
  • When we “hate Him who reproves” and “abhor Him who speaks the truth,” we set ourselves up as objects of His wrath.

The central reality of the universe: Our God reigns.

Let’s not gut our parenting of the most important reality of the universe.

Let’s not handicap our children long term through well-meaning but misguided notions of self-determination.

Instead, let’s hold forth the central sovereignty of our God and portray Him as the primary “Other” in our children’s lives, the One who cares for them like no other, who guides them in His ways for their good and for His glory.

And let’s demonstrate it ourselves, in how we live, what we say, in the faith we express moment after moment as we guide our children through life.

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Categories : Parenting, Soul Health
paper cut

Death by a thousand paper cuts

Posted by Carey 
· Friday, January 25th, 2013 

DEATH by a thousand paper cuts

[dropshadowbox align=”center” effect=”lifted-both” width=”550px” height=”” background_color=”#f9ec8a” border_width=”1″ border_color=”#dddddd” ]Imagine yourself about to be executed… and you are given this choice:

You can die blindfolded, shot by firing squad, OR you can die from thousands of tiny paper cuts administered all over your body.

WHICH WOULD YOU CHOOSE?[/dropshadowbox]

Nobody in their right mind would choose the thousands of paper cuts…

yet many Christians are making that choice daily.

What? I don’t see any paper cuts!

The scenario is an analogy, an illustration – to point out that when small things add up, they can really, Really, REALLY matter.

  • One day, after another, after another – that you did NOT put a plan in place to spend time with the LORD.paper cut
  • One month, after another, after another – that you have let your anger problem go unaddressed.
  • One week, after another, after another – that you didn’t come clean about that besetting sin.
  • One moment, after another, after another – where you didn’t say, “I love you.”
  • One year, after another, after another – that your children have received criticism rather than your encouragement.

What is the delay adding up to?

What is the huge impact it will have down the road?

What are YOUR paper cuts?

You are a smart person. You know what I’m talking about.

You can look back over your life and see the many smaller wounds,

hurts, and neglects that add up to the huge insecurities you fight to this day.

Are you going to die from those thousand little paper cuts…

or are you going to start addressing them, one by one?

Take a bold step… face your own broken-ness

The things that hold you back, don’t have to.

With Jesus’ help, you can overcome the sin and pain in your life (1 John 4:4).

They don’t have to plague and restrict you any longer (Romans 8:37).

You can have the new life that Jesus promised… if you will rely on Him, and start addressing all the little paper cuts.

  • It’s painful.
  • It’s hard.
  • It’s tedious.
  • But it’s how Jesus brings healing and liberation.

If you need someone to help you get started… I’d be happy to. Contact me.

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Categories : Soul Health
Tags : dealing with hurts, dealing with the past, little things matter, paper cut, priorities, small things add up
make the right choice

Make the right choice

Posted by Carey 
· Friday, October 12th, 2012 

You can’t do it all.

That’s the honest truth. As much as our world tells you you can, you can’t.

So here’s the question you and I have to answer…

Since I only have so much time, energy, and ability – what things will I CHOOSE to do with the time, energy, and abilities I do have?

I’m talking about your priorities.

What matters most to you? What is most important? What will last for eternity?

Those are the things you should be doing.

make the right choice

Make the right choice.

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Categories : Soul Health
Tags : Christian life coaching, Christian life plan, Christian marriage, Christian parenting
emotional health

Emotional health: When did you last do an “emotional inventory?”

Posted by Carey 
· Wednesday, October 10th, 2012 

How do you become emotionally healthy?

emotional healthWhen is the last time you saw a kid throw a tantrum? It’s not a pretty sight.

But do you know what’s even uglier?

When adults do the same thing.

Ok, they don’t fall on the floor and roll around (typically), but they do other equally immature things…

  • The silent treatment.
  • Say “nothing” when asked what is bothering them.
  • Mope around the house and refuse to talk about it.
  • Say they are not upset while secretly sabotaging another person.
  • Gossip / slander.

See what I mean?

Taking charge of your emotional health

Emotionally healthy people don’t do the things listed above. Why? Because they stay on top of what is going on inside their own souls, and deal with what they find in a healthy (godly) way.

One way to approach that process is through periodically taking an emotional inventory. Just like you’d assess your bank account every so often (I hope), or check the oil level in your car (I hope), you need to check your emotional condition.

How do you go about doing one of these emotional inventories?

You ask yourself questions, a TON of questions… and you work hard to be honest with yourself.

Here’s a sample list of the type of questions you should be asking… and please know these are not all the questions you could ask…

Is there anything in my life that I am…

 

 

Depressed by?
Angry about?
Fearful of?
Frustrated with?
Discouraged about?
Joyful about?
Optimistic about?
Encouraged by?
Excited about?

  Peaceful about

 

Emotional health only comes through truth

emotional healthWhat do you do with the answers you discover? You take them to the LORD (through His word), and let the light of His truth shine on them.

In other words, you need the LORD to show you what is true about what you are feeling and what is not true.

That’s the only way you’ll be able to know how you should be thinking and acting.

Emotions rightly handled will bring great peace and contentment.
Emotions wrongly handled will wreck your life, and the lives of those you love.

Lean heavily on God’s truth…

  • Feeling unloved? – remember that nothing can separate you from God’s love – Romans 8:38-39
  • Feeling condemned? – remind yourself that Christ has taken away all your condemnation – Romans 8:1
  • Feeling hopeless? – trust God to work all things for your good – Romans 8:28

Learn to use the truth of scripture to bring your unruly emotions into line… It won’t be easy, but it will be worth it.

Help your children be emotionally healthy too

A tantrum is evidence that kids don’t know how to handle emotions either. Too often parents don’t know what to do with a tantrum, or an emotional outburst… and so they do nothing.

Don’t do your kids such a disservice. Help them unpack what they are feeling. As their parent, it’s your job.

Talk with them about their emotions… sometimes multiple choice questions prove helpful.

“Johnny, what are you feeling? Is it…

  • Anger?
  • Frustration?
  • Fear?
  • Embarrassment?

Then teach them what to do with the answers they discover (sound familiar?). Teach them God’s truth about what they are feeling… just like you have to teach it to yourself.

Speak it, talk about it, explain it. Read the Bible with them. Your kids need the truth of the scriptures to illuminate their lives just like you do.

Some helpful resources for teaching your kids scripture…

  • Family Time Training
  • When You Rise (watch for an upcoming podcast episode relating to this website)
  • Impress your Kids
  • Seeds Family Worship – see a video of some of their music here – find their CDs here

What do you think about doing periodic “emotional inventories” for the sake of your emotional health?

What will you do to help your kids with their emotions?

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Categories : Parenting, Soul Health
Tags : Christian marriage, Christian parenting, emotional health, god's truth
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