Wives: There may be a reason your husband doesn’t persist in pursuing you…
Earlier I wrote about the biblical instruction for husbands to pursue their wives.
It’s needed. It’s commanded. Men, you should work hard to do it.
But ladies, sometimes your husband may not persist in pursuing you because you don’t let him.
You may think that is an odd thing to say, but think about it.
The husband can have an “Ah-ha!” moment and realize that he does need to consistently chase after you out of love. He can even begin coming up with ways to do that.
But if you are resistant to your husband’s pursuit, he’ll become discouraged and give up altogether.
What are some reasons you may resist your husband’s pursuit of you?
Hurt or Resentment
If you feel hurt or resentful that it’s taken your husband this long to pursue you, that could make you less willing to receive his pursuit. Even though he may have changed his attitude about the issue now, the hurts from the past don’t automatically go away.
What should you do if that’s the case?
- You need to talk it out, and work toward biblical forgiveness.
- Husband – genuinely repent to your wife; ask her forgiveness. Confess every place where you see you’ve not pursued her as you should.
- Wife, receive his confession and extend forgiveness.
One other important thing for the wife: ask the LORD to help you see your husband in light of the changes taking place in his heart. At some point, you’re gonna’ need to give him a chance to prove his new-found commitment in practical ways, in spite of how you feel
Fear
You might resist your husband’s well intentioned attempts at pursuing you because you are afraid. What are you afraid of? Maybe he has tried something like this before and didn’t follow through. You got your hopes up, only to have them dashed.
What should be done?
- Remember that your faith is ultimately in the LORD, not in your husband.
- Trust the LORD by giving your husband a chance.
- Trust the LORD to work in and through your husband for your good.
- As you learn to trust the LORD, He will enable you to trust your husband, a little bit at a time.
This post is an excerpt from my book, “The Marriage Improvement Project” – it’s a couple’s devotional with daily discussion questions to help you improve your marriage together!
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Other helpful tips toward encouraging your husband in this area…
- Make a point of noticing his efforts, and thanking him for making his commitment toward you practical. All of us are motivated to consistency when we know that our efforts are being noticed!
- Don’t cut down or make fun of his efforts at chasing after you, either in private or in public. Your husband is doing his best to pursue you, just as Christ pursues His church. Be thankful!
- If your husband begins to slack off, don’t be afraid to mention it to him, but do so privately and in an encouraging way. For example, you might say, “I know that in your heart you have determined to pursue me more diligently, and I want to encourage you not to give up.”
Finally, if the two of you find some sort of “blockage” with this principle that you can’t seem to get around, ask a mature believer or your Pastor for help in determining how you can get around it.
I’m always available to help with these and other issues. Video technology makes it not only possible, but very effective. Don’t hesitate to contact me.
Husbands… do you owe your wife a heart-felt apology for slacking off?
Wives… do you need to put your faith in the LORD instead of your husband?
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I was googling this situation of my husband not pursuing me. I came across this site. I am pretty worn down . We have been to counseling both with our pastor and a christian counselor. This has been going on for almost 14 years, since our first daughter was born. I have always done the pursuing since being married and when I stop calling him cause I am trying to let him reach out to me, he doesn’t like it, but doesn’t change either . I have been praying and seeking God and praying with my husband, but he doesn’t see the problem with his needs being met and not mine.
Hi Stacey,
I’m sorry to hear of the frustration you’re experiencing. It’s tough to be in your position. It seems that your husband is not seeing the full picture. I pray the LORD will send the right person or message or insight to him to show him how he’s called to love you sacrificially… and what that means in his life and your situation.
My husband and I have been separated 5 times. This time I want to know what it really looks like for him to pursue me. We have been married for 26 years. I don’t even know what him pursuing me looks like. And what can I do to make him feel like he is still doing this.
Hi Monica, and thank you so much for sharing. It sounds like you’ve been in some very hard places throughout the course of your relationship. It’s impossible to tell exactly what’s going on in your husband from a distance like this, but it sounds as if he has some wounds/ignornace of his own when it comes to pursuing you. I’ve seen so many times when the pain of marriage is directly caused by well-intentioned but ignorant people. They want the best but don’t even know what it is, much less how to get it. If your husband is humble enough to WANT to learn, I’d encourage him to get into a good men’s group, attend a “Weekend to Remember” conference with you, or read a book like “His Need, Her Needs.” I have a devotional book for couples that I’ve written that might be of help. If you’d like a FREE copy (Kindle, iPad, or PDF) please email me and I’ll send it to you. carey(at)ChristianHomeAndFamily.com. Thanks again for sharing.