More women than you might think feel that their husbands hate them. And in most cases, it’s not true.
The problem is that their husband doesn’t understand a very basic biblical principle that I call the cleaving principle.
Genesis chapter 2 verse 24
Therefore a man shall leave his father and his mother and hold fast to his wife, and they shall become one flesh.
Let’s key in on that phrase, “hold fast to his wife.” The good old King James version words this a bit differently. Instead of saying that a man is to “hold fast” to his wife, it says a man is to “cleave to his wife.”
No, it has nothing to do with a meat cleaver… here’s what the dictionary says:
CLEAVE – to catch by pursuit: – follow close (hard after), be joined (together), keep (fast), overtake, pursue hard.
The word clearly implies a chase or a pursuit – a seeking after.
Do you remember those long gone days of courtship? Come on guys, you remember – showing off, trying to woo her, seeking to impress her. You did extra, special things for her (flowers, gifts, special notes or poems).
That is exactly the idea of the word “cleave.”
Ladies, can you recall those days? What did it do to you to know that the guy you were interested in was seeking after you? It was flattering, wasn’t it? Made you feel pretty special. When your growing intimacy and the passing of time came together on the day that he finally proposed, your hopes were realized! He really did want you! In many ways, it was his consistency that paid off!
Sadly, for many couples that’s about as long as it lasts, because men often stop chasing their wives shortly after they are married. It is as if once they “have” them, the excitement of the pursuit is gone. They lose sight of the beauty, caring heart, and loveliness that attracted them in the first place.
That’s where the cleaving principle comes in. There’s no hint in God’s word that you are to EVER stop pursuing your wife.
God’s instruction that you pursue your wife means that there is something in the pursuit, something that it communicates, that your wife needs to know. When you pursue her consistently, day after day, year after year, she knows in a very special way that you still love her, still delight in her, and still want to be with her above all others. When you fail to do so, she may start to believe that you don’t care about her, aren’t interested in her life, and might even prefer someone else. Yes, she may even be heard to say, “My husband hates me.”
Those kinds of doubts become a slow-poison to the relationship… and husband, you are responsible to see to it that those doubts are never injected into the marriage relationship in the first place! You need to develop (or re-kindle) a heart that consistently pursues your wife. Here are some ways of looking at this truth that may be helpful…
- Men tend to work at the relationship until it seems to be “in the bag” – then they get comfortable and take it for granted.
- But men, the relationship you have with your wife needs constant and continual attention and pursuit.
- Your wife not only desires for you to want and value her…she needs it.
- Doing this nourishes the deepest part of who she is as a woman – God made her to need those things and He made you to provide them!
- Remember that these types of needs are ones you agreed to meet when you married (remember those wedding vows?).
- With that in mind, it becomes an issue of being a man of your word.
- The same “desire” you had then, is to be stoked and kept alive throughout your married life.
Getting married was the first of many steps of consistent pursuit…
[dropshadowbox align=”center” effect=”lifted-both” width=”350px” height=”” background_color=”#c1ecec” border_width=”1″ border_color=”#dddddd” inside_shadow=”false” ]It is your job, as the husband to “win her” again, and again, and again… to make sure that your wife not only never says, but never even THINKS, “My husband hates me.”[/dropshadowbox]Learn more about the importance of the cleaving principle in The Marriage Improvement Project – a Devotional Study for Christian Couples.
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I had never thought of the cleave concept from the point of pursuit. But I think that’s something we as men are definitely called to do. I know I’m guilty of letting this slide to the backburner way too often.
@Loren Pinilis It’s so easy TO let it slide… we men tend to focus on tasks, measurable goals, etc. – and our wives are everything BUT those two things! For me, learning to focus on the relationship as a vital investment not only in our connection with each other, but also in our connection with God through the unity we experience – has been incredibly powerful!
As a woman and wife I must say this is so prevalent today and the concept of never ending pursuit isn’t really taught. I have only heard it taught from our current church. It is so important to the intimacy of the marriage. Because men don’t operate this way, it has to be taught to many men because it doesn’t come naturally. As I know there are things that don’t come naturally to women that we have to make an effort for our husbands as well. Thanks for a great summation of this topic.
Shannon Shields
Hi Shannon – and thanks for chiming in! I had to learn this concept myself… cause as you said, it doesn’t come naturally to men. On the womanly side, tell me what you think of this possibility: Women are multi-taskers (generally speaking), able to see many aspects of a situation at the same time. Being thus, it’s easy for them to be critical of their husbands instead of respectful of them and encouraging of them. What do you think? Does that ring any bells?
A recent conversation with my husband of 20+ years revealed he feels that I have a chip on my shoulder all the time. Also, when my boys do something that needs an instructive comment from me, he says that I carry on and on and he feels sorry for the boys (ages 16 and 12). He says that I have no laughter and joy in my life and that I always have something negative to say. I am tired of trying to hold on to a marriage that was my idea; as was the first date, the idea to have children, the idea to buy a house, etc. He is not a talker; never has been and never will be. I feel truly blessed with healthy boys, a job, and a home. However, I don’t feel blessed anymore with my marriage. I feel more burdened by what he says. It is very exhausting to try to get him to talk about things or seek counseling with me. This man is the only man I have ever been with. I have never been on my own nor have I ever felt pursued. There is no wooing to be done here. I do not want my boys to think this is how relationships should be. I want them to be wooers. I want them to feel blessed every time they look into their beloved’s eyes. I want them to be participants. Thanks for great insight.
@Struggling I’m sorry to hear about the struggle and pain you’re enduring. Many men simply don’t know how to talk, how to open up, how to show their concern as they should. It does sound like the two of you need some outside help, and it would be worth every effort to persuade him to agree to biblical counseling for the two of you. The marriage does not have to stay like it is, and it does not have to end. Changes can be made but he’d have to be willing to go there with you.
And what happens when he doesn’t want to? When he’s not interested, when he flat out says he doesn’t love you or care about you? When he’s not even interested in sex with you and you are both less than 35…. What is a wife to do when he doesn’t even act like a Christian man as he once claimed to be. Is divorce ok at this point? Or should I continue to suffer like Jesus did and simply wait for Gods judgement?
Hi Brenda, so sorry to hear about the severity of your situation. The first course of action is prayer. Enlist others to pray with you that God would break and humble your husband. He needs a change of heart that only God can bring. The next step is to wait on God in faith that He will act. I know that’s hard to hear but divorce is not the answer. The LORD is in this now, at this moment, accomplishing His good will for you and your husband if he truly is a believer. Pray my sister, get friends and church family praying with you – and I will join you!
I like how you said to pray and wait for God to act. I am trying to be patient and wait for God to act. I feel as though my husband absolutely hates me. Why else would he spend 7 days a week with the neighbor girl who is 26 yrs younger than him? Why else would he involve alcohol and drugs with this girl on a regular basis? Why else would he ask her out on a date in front of me? Why else would he feel comfortable whispering in her ear right in front of me and going home drunk with her as she dumps her kid with me for me to watch? What were they doing over there? I guessed that they were getting high and they agreed, but who knows, I wasn’t informed or invited. I am not an alcoholic or a druggie nor am I someone who likes to hang out and party with people who are my children’s age. My daughter repeatedly asked me why her father is hanging out and drinking with a girl her age, I just told her I didn’t know. What an uneasy feeling I had everytime I left the house, because I knew upon my return, she would be there. It didn’t matter if it was 5 minutes to mail a letter, or 2 hours grocery shopping, she would greet me at my door with a guilty look on her face and not say a word to me and then run home. When I returned from work, there she would be, getting drunk with my husband. She is a real ding dong and not very bright, she would come over in her daisy dukes, low cut shirts for my husband to gawk at her boobs, and a ton of make-up like she was going to prom. She said that she thought we were going to be friends for 30 years like her mom and her neighbors. Did she really think I appreciated her hanging all over my husband and acting like a total skank? Well my husband did, they were feeding each other’s egos. It was at my expense, though. His actions have caused me to fall completely out of love with him. I demanded he stop seeing this bimbo and he has, but I still don’t feel the same about him and I don’t think I ever will. It has been over a year and I just view him differently now. I have lost all respect for him. I now look at him like a perv and creep. Is it possible he is going through a midlife crisis? This is a man who used to be the love of my life and someone whom I considered to be my soul mate, I no longer feel that way and am terribly upset by it. It doesn’t seem to bother my husband in the slightest that I no longer feel the same about him due to his inappropriate and extremely disrespectful actions.
Your situation is painful and I’m sorry you are having to endure those things. I suspect your husband is going through some sort of midlife issues but that is never an excuse for this kind of mistreatment and behavior. I suggest you look for a Christian couple the two of you could both feel comfortable with and get some help. If your marriage is to be a blessing to either or both of you, you are going to have to change what you’ve been doing and get some help.
How do you let him know you feel neglected in such ways without provoking a fight by making him think you don’t appreciate everything else he already does. I always get the same response, ” What else do you want? I give you all my time, all my money, i don’t cheat on you; what else can I give you?” We’re both young, 26 and 27, still finishing school and I think to myself that he may just be stressed. But Im stressed too, and I dont ignore him, I dont ask him to move away from me when our bodies touch in bed, I try and give kisses and say goodnight, I pray like crazy trying to find a way to fix this.The hurt is just to great, im on the brink of packing and leaving. How do I start the healing?
@Alone – you are in a really tough spot and I pray the LORD will give you strength! What I’d suggest is that you tell him that you want the two of you to really understand each other, and to be able to come to a place on these issues where you can be in agreement. That will probably take another, outside person to help each of you get out of your own heads to see things differently. We all have blind spots, and you each need help to see what yours are. Seek counseling together with a solid, biblical counselor. And pray like crazy, asking the LORD to bring the change you both need to see.
My husband constantly thinks that I am cheating on him. He has let himself go in everywhere. He quit his job gained 50 lbs. Doesn’t care what I think he states. I work for my family let him stay home while he finishes school we have 3 beautiful children that have to see us fight day in and day out because he always thinks I am having an affair on him. It really makes me feel awful. I don’t understand why his love has diminished for me???
IkeaMom Of course, I don’t know WHY your husband has the suspicions he does or why he acts the way he does. He’s got some hurts/baggage that are driving him on an emotional level toward these kinds of actions. The two of you need help, not just for your marriage but for the sake of your personal health and healing. The marriage issues will be dealt with as each of you are moving toward a more healthy place. I’d suggest you find a biblically Christian counselor to help you begin addressing these issues.
My husband says I’m rude, condensending, selfish, a snob, that I don’t like him, angry, that I always use mine or I when I talk, don’t use we enough, he says I’m mean to him. We have two children and I just want run away. Im sad. I don’t know what to do?
@Kari – I’m sorry to hear about your situation. I think the two of you need to get together with a wise, Christian person who has a healthy marriage so that they can help the two of you sort things out. You both likely have things to adjust and learn in but you won’t do so easily without help.
He sayshe loves me and he is constantly reminding me at how good he is as a provider, father, husband… I know he has some resentment toward me because he uses every excuse to not be intimate with me. I can be thin or heavy and that doesn’t change interest. He considers me lazy but when you are constantly told how you are doing things wrong from loading the dishwasher to how you expect your kids to speak with respect to you and he doesn’t back you up. It wears you out and what is the point. I can nag for sex but it doesn’t make a difference. He just tosses back …is that helping like it is my fault that we are not. I have wanted to have an affair for years now but don’t because our marriage would be over for sure then. Honestly, I have asked him what can I do to make things right and there is no answer just silence and even more distance. I give up! I love him and I want to be together but this is beyond what I ever expected marriage to be like. I am a Christian but when does this become a marriage? We have been through 22 years and it isn’t about starting over with someone else but I want to start over with him. I can depend on him for so many things but making me feel wanted and needed as a wife. Does he hate me… On some level I would say yes.
I give up – I’m sorry to hear of the struggle you are facing. It is clearly not the way things are meant to be. It sounds like your husband doesn’t get what it means to be a husband… probably not his fault but definitely his responsibility. I think the two of you have GOT to get connected with someone who can help you both head in the right direction together. He’s got to be open to that, obviously. I wish I had a magic wand to make that happen… but the least I can do is pray. I will.
My husband is constantly angry and short fused with me. When he does get angry he calls me things like stupid and some more names that can’t be expressed on here. He has also told me that he can’t stand me, that he hates me , and that he hates the person I am becoming. I’m having a hard time to say the least. I can’t get him to talk. He just leaves and won’t answer my phone calls or anything. We have two children and I’m worried that they will think this is okay. But its not. I’m torn up inside and almost ready to give up. I can’t keep getting treated like this. We’ve been married 13 years. Any advice would be helpful.
aunbis It’s hard to give advice when I’m not personally in the situation, but I’ll do my best… I suspect that your husband’s anger problems are rooted somewhere else – either in personal guilt or regret over something or worst case, in something he’s involved in that he doesn’t want to come right out and say. Your role as a wife is difficult in circumstances like you describe and I’m very sorry you are having to endure it. He doesn’t sound willing to get counseling, which is what you need… so that’s sad.
My husband and I have been together for nearly 7 years. I know that this is the hard time for a marriage. My husband has already left me twice and come back twice. When we were first married I was less spiritual than I am now and he was more. Now as time has gone by he has become way less and I have become very spiritual. He has a hard time with the fact that I want to do mostly Christian things and that I don’t party anymore. He criticizes me for so many things from the way that I sing, the music I like, the way I keep house, and how I am so immature. I just want to be loved for who I am, to be treated like I am special. I want to feel like someone’s beloved. I keep thinking how maybe we shouldn’t have gotten back together. I love him but it seems like we just don’t like each other. Though I love most things about him, when he criticizes me and doesn’t want to be intimate with me ever it makes me feel rejected which makes me dislike him. I am willing to go to counseling and we have several times. Things will get better after counseling but after awhile things will just fall back into the routine. I am lonely and my self esteem has shrunk. If a person can take the time and emotion it takes to verbally express their dislike for a person, I don’t accept that they just aren’t emotionally capable of being uplifting. It seems like a cop out. Every way I try to approach him on the subject just doesn’t work. I want my husband to be my best friend. How can I make that happen without giving myself up? How can I be what he needs me to be without changing who I am to please him?
@shalu you are in a very hard situation. I feel for you deeply. It sounds like your husband’s greatest need is for the LORD to do a change of heart in him. I suggest you make that your primary prayer focus for him… I will join you. LORD Jesus, soften this man’s heart. Give him a desire to love his wife as he should and as she needs.
My husband spent 45 minutes last night telling me how I do everything wrong and I’m basically worthless. He punched a hole in our garage and told me to get out of his sight. I’m really hurting and I just want to take the kids and leave. All this because I didn’t install the car seats right and didn’t tell him I ran out of gas in the van so I used his truck. I’m not good at cleaning house and I get stressed out and upset. He never apologizes when he gets like this. I just want to feel better. I don’t want to be depressed and having panic attacks. We have 4 kids age 13 months to 7 years. He’s an over the road trucker and I stay home with the kids. What am I doing wrong?
HeatherAnnSkinner – it’s important that you don’t blame yourself for your husband’s behavior. He’s responsible before God for what he does – toward you and the kids. My guess is that his anger stems from something besides you – perhaps hidden guilt in his own soul. I don’t know the situation so I can’t say for sure, but I encourage you to make sure you and the kids are safe (if he’s violent toward you at all) and continue seeking the LORD to help you and to humble your husband.
My husband and I have been having a “disagreement” for a few days now. I have two children, he has one that the mother refuses to let him see (we pay almost $600 a month in child support, carry insurance, and keep fighting in court bc she isn’t following the court orders but nothing is ever done about it. Its been almost a year since hes seen his son)..we are in the process of adopting our nephew bc his dad is a heroin addict/drunk/abusive. My childrens father is also a drunk and does below the bare minimum to see his kids. Until my husband and I started dating I went above and beyond to make sure their father was a part of their lives bc it is important. My kids dad didn’t try to get ahold of the kids until late thanksgiving night after they had already went to stay the night with their aunt. The next morning I got into it with their dad and told them he has no idea what even goes on in their lives whatsoever and he needs to step up as their dad. I told my husband everything that was said between the two of us and he didn’t say anything. Later that day he flipped out on me saying I show love to my kids more than I do his nephew and that he is going to back out of the custody because I am a terrible mother to him. (i have been working my rear off with this kid trying to teach him bc I homeschool my son who is a year older than him they are 3 and 4, i have done research trying to figure out how to connect with him bc he has been through so much and it shows..I love on that boy like he is my own and I do love him just as much as I do the two I gave birth to), then he started yelling about I am trying to train their dad to be him and just all this crazy stuff about me trying to make him be a father to them while he works his butt off to provide for our family and hes the one that’s always here for them and I am trying to make their dad step up and well he said lots and lots of mean not so loveable things but I’m sure you get the point. I realized then that he is obviously hurting. I absolutely did not have any intentions of trying to “train” their dad to be him. That’s insane to me. I love my husband more than I could ever express. He is an amazing husband, father..hes an amazing man! I constantly tell him how much I appreciate everything he does for our family and try to do everything I can to be a good wife, the wife of Proverbs 31…. I have changed so much since he and I first got together. I am a better person. I can’t stand that he is hurting and when he keeps texting all these mean terrible things (he hasn’t talked to me in over 24 hours except to text me and tell me off. I keep trying my best not to engage in the arguments because I know it has a deeper meaning but I don’t know how to deal with the situation. I can’t stand knowing he s hurting. I don’t want him to feel betrayed but at the same time I feel like I can’t cut their dad out of their life just because I married my husband either….I am at a loss.
@loving wife – I’m sorry to hear about the difficulties you’re going through. Your husband’s response comes from a very deep place, and without a conversation with him it’s hard to tell everything that goes into it. The two of you need to communicate about what he’s feeling, at a time when emotions are not so high. You should pursue him tenderly, wanting to understand, expressing to him that you want to understand everything he’s feeling and thinking. Listen. Empathize. Work toward true understanding of what he’s feeling. Don’t let yourself get defensive. Appreciate him for all he does (verbally), and let him know how sorry you are that he’s felt the things he expressed and that it’s not your intention to ever make him feel that way. You need to come to an understanding of where each of you truly are in this situation. I will ask the LORD to help the two of you sort this out.
My husband he work out of state so we just contact by skype I’m stay home mom,,we got married 3years ago and with the long distance it very hard.anyway we fight we argue a lot about everything but today was worst he just said to me that he is glad that I lost our baby.that really hurt very much I just had a mascariege and I’m feeling so bad and he want a divorce but I do love him very much!!!
I’m sorry to hear about the painful situation you are in. My suggestion is that you appeal to him for the sake of your marriage, to seek out counseling together. You will need help to get past this difficulty.
My Husband is bitter and very hateful toward me. I’m in the dark as to why…He “keeps score” about my faults and is very negative to me. It feels like there is no love here anymore. We have been married for 15 years. I am praying for him, but it is a hard “pill” to swallow, when these “faults” identified are so outrageously ridiculous. Just anything to pick a fight. It feels like he berates and has “kept score” for so long that there is no turning back in this relationship. I want to stay together for the kids sake, as they deserve two parents in the house. It seems obvious that the only thing left is to try to co-parent with as little conflict as possible. Any Bible verses come to mind to encourage in this situation.
Hi Frustrated… I appreciate you chiming in and sharing your painful story. The treatment you are receiving is indeed wrong and unfair, much like what Jesus experienced on the cross and continues to experience as the people of the world reject and malign Him.
The passage that comes to mind most readily for you is 1 Peter 2: 21-23
For to this you have been called, because Christ also suffered for you, leaving you an example, so that you might follow in His steps. He committed no sin, neither was deceit found in His mouth. When He was reviled, He did not revile in return; when He suffered, He did not threaten, but continued entrusting Himself to Him who judgest justly.
If I may, let me unpack it a bit for you…
* You and I have been called to follow the example of Christ. That is primary to our lives, not just this situation. We get to follow in His steps. It’s an honor, a privilege to do so.
* Part of His example is in how He suffered. His suffering was like no other because He was truly innocent! Talk about unjust treatment!
* So how did Jesus handle the unjust treatment He received? (1) – He did not revile in return. So in your situation, you are not to respond in kind to your husband. I know it hurts, but like Jesus, you have the honor of responding with love, not hate. You can show your husband love through your humble responses. I know it’s hard, but God gives us the power to do what He calls us to do. (2) He continued entrusting Himself to the Father, who He knew would judge justly. Amazing… that Jesus relied on the Father like that. What an example for us! What Peter is telling us is that Jesus trusted that God the Father was allowing everything He experienced for His good purposes, and that in His good time, the Father would do what was right in His situation. Those who maligned and mistreated Him will be judged rightly. The injustice will be called to account.
My dear sister, the same is true in your case. As you walk humbly before God and respond in love to your husband, you can trust God to use even the pain and discomfort of your sitaution for good (Romans 8:28). You can also trust Him to make all things right. He will deal with your husband for his mistreatment of you. It’s an issue God takes very seriously (1 Peter 3:7). You can trust Him to do what is right and to care for you as His daughter even in the difficult sitaution you face.
I am praying for you and for your husband… that God will grab His heart and redeem it, making him into a man like Jesus.
I HAVE BEEN MARRIED FOR 8 YEARS NOW AND MY HUSBANDS HAS BEEN IN AND AFFAIR FOR THREE OUT OF THAT 8 AND ITS STILL GOING ON. I HAVE CAUGHT HIM NOT ONCE NOT TWICE SO YOU KNOW BUT YET HE CONTINUES WITH THE RELATION, WE HAVE FOUR KIDS THREE BOYS AND A GIRL, I HAD TO REMOVE THE KIDS FROM THE SCHOOL BECASUE THE LADY HE SEEING WAS ONE OF MY KIDS TEACHER. WHAT BOTHERS ME IS THAT HE DONT LOVE ME THE WAY HE USED TO ANY MORE THE KIDS SEE A DIFFERENT IN HIM HE CURSES THE KIDS BECAUSE HE USUALLY ALLOWS THE KIDS TO SEE HIM WITH HER, WE FIGHT CONSTANLTY WHERE AS THE POLICE HAVE BEEN GETTING INVOLVED. TRUTH BE TOLD IF HE TELLS ME TODAY HE LOVES THIS WOMAN AND HE WANTS TO BE WITH HER I WILL BE FIND, BUT HE NEVER ADMITS TO ANYTHING, I AM VERY ACTIVE IN CHURCH WELL WAS, BUT I WAS TREATED AS IF I WAS THE ONE THAT HAD THE AFFAIR, ITS BEEN A YEAR AND I AM STILL WAITING ON MY PASTOR TO COME AND COUNSEL US WHY BECAUSE I WANT TO SAVE MY MARRIAGE AND MY HUSBAND SAYS HE WANTS TO AS WELL BUT IF YOU WANT TO SAVE IT WHY ARE YOU STILL IN THE AFFAIR. ONE OCCAISION HE WE DID NT SEE HIM FOR SEVEN DAYS, HIS PHONE WAS OFF, HE SHOWED UP TO THE CHURCH. KNOW THAT HE HASNT WORKED IN ALMOST 5 YEARS SO ALL THE BILLS ARE ON ME, SO EVEN WITH ALL OF THIS HE STILL CHEATS AND LIES ABOUT IT EVEN WHEN I SEE HIM WITH MY EYES.
I’m so sorry to hear about your situation. It sounds like your husband is living a very self-centered life… not what the LORD would have him do. Biblically, you are justified in divorcing him since there is adultery involved. The only advice I can give is to confront him about what you know and tell him there are two option. 1) He will immediately quit the affair the the two of you will go to Christian counseling together, immediately. Or, 2) You will file for divorce. You and your children need a better life than what he is giving. He must feel the consequences for what he’s done.
I’m glad I found this article. My husband and I have been married for 4 years, & we have a 3 year old, a 15 month old & I’m 12 weeks pregnant with baby #3. He has had infidelity issues in the past (emotional cheating, not physical), and through counseling and love, we have been able to work through our issues. It was hard though since he only cheats around the time I give birth to our children. (First while I was in the hospital from baby #1, & at work within a week after baby #2)
Recently though, it Feels like he is just contempt with me. I don’t know how to describe it other than I fear he Hates me.
I’ve devoted My Life, Body & Soul to our relationship, but I can’t shake the feeling that in the end, I will be left broken & alone to mother 3 children.
I’ve prayed until I can’t think straight, I cry myself to sleep knowing he may just be here because he feels Obligated to be.
My husband isn’t too religious since it was forced on him as a child, but I know he has faith.
I don’t know how to go about this next phase of our lives, and honestly that’s what terrifies me.
I’m so sorry to hear of your situation. I will be praying that the LORD will break through to your husband’s conscience and show him what a treasure he’s been given in you. I pray that his wandering eyes and desires will be curbed by the power of the Spirit. I wonder how much you have talked honestly with him about how you feel – the fear and everything. Would he be open to that? Maybe with a third party (counselor)?
I have been married for almost 35 years and I am an alcoholic My marriage is great on the outside but I see that my husband has been distant every since his mother and brother died as I did as well. We really have never snapped back I have put my family through a few ups and downs but I still get up everyday and hold the fort down. I am now taking care of my 21 year old daughters 2 year old pretty much full time, I realize that even if my husband is not happy he says everything is fine. He looks at me with regret and hate .I struggle everyday and hate myself for being an alcoholic and they are tired of it as am I .I now probably face a very lonely future even if he is 10 years older. I want to care for him if he ever gets ill. I have taken care of all of our parents and his brother hospice at home It has been a very busy life. I tried to quit and as cliche as it sounds does not make my problem any easier. I am no better so I lost all of my support. My question is ..Is their hope am I just another statistic. Most of all will I lose my loving family. I am so scared and groups and 12 steps do not work . It interferes with my husbands attention and I hear about it and then want it. I want to forget about it not think about it know their is a piece of me probably pretty deep but its their that when I get sober I have to face that my husband has turned to a sober friend and lover the worst part its right across the street and he is very loud so now I am considered crazy and I do not blame him but it still hurts it feels like I am cut from head to toe and salt is slowly poured on it . I wanted to help and care for people not hurt them then I feel like I ended up the opposite and it kills me .I want this all to be a bad nightmare but then I think of the lady crossing the crosswalk with no arms and legs and in 109 degree temps and has a smile on her . What is wrong with me.
Tina, I hurt as I read your story. Your husband needs to know the pain and regret you feel about yourself and your marriage. He needs to know that you want to be different and need to have his help to do it. There are ways out of what you’re dealing with, but none of them are easy. You will need his help, and the two of you will need help to put your marriage back together. Seek Christian counseling in your area that both of you can go to. I will be praying for you both.
we have been married 15 years. Started out without Jesus, now we have both been saved. I know that God uses all things for good for those who love him. However, my husband’s resentments and inability to see anything from my point of view is pervasive, ongoing and toxic. I’ve left twice due to addictions. It knew God told me to return. The addictions have since stopped but not the behaviors that go along with them. His insanity has continued and I. Truly the same at times. He never would commit to counseling other than a few times and would stop. He won’t engage with Godly men on a routine basis to learn how to live a Godly life. If it’s hunting or fishing season he has no time. I’m not allowed access to any money but what I make in retirement and a part time job. He feels I’m ungrateful for all he’s done for me. Daily life is maybe a few words spoke, when I ask him about something he either doesn’t care or if he answers and I try to engage in any conversation then he accuses me of arguing. He has no interest in my life at all. He says he is just fine living as he is because I have refused to be his best friend, which he defines as support him however he wants. There have been big things he has. Hosea to be involved in that I just can’t support and have told him why, they don’t demonstrate a biblical view. Out of fear I have too acted in selfish ways, however from him there is no forgiveness. He is 61 and I’m 54. There’s not a lot of life left to leave a legacy of a Godly couple for others to see. That is my desire for our marriage. He says after 15 years of failing why start now? My heart hurts so much!
I’m sorry to hear of your issues with your husband Shari. It is painful to hear and I’m sure painful for you to write and live in. Prayer and the power of God are the only remedy for a man so hardened. He needs to have his eyes opened to the shell of a man he’s become. Pray for him my sister, with a heart of compassion, knowing that he’s the way he is because of the power of sin in his life and the things he’s experienced. Enlist others to pray with you. Pray together for humility and breaking in your husband’s heart. That is what he and you need most.
Wow,
I wished my husband could see this.
I’m pretty sure mine doesn’t believe on this.
Mine thinks that I am a diva for asking him to be nice to me once in a while even when I left my country and my family for him. He doesn’t appreciate me.
But thanks to all the guys in this website that agree with this message.
I showed this article to my husband as we are struggling and I felt like this hit the nail on the head for me. He retaliated by saying he’s too much of an introvert to do this, and I’m too mean to get this kind of love.Im mean becasbecause I’m hurt and angry that he video games for anywhere from 40-70 hours a week. Sometimes more, rarely ever less. He says it’s because he’s an introvert and I’m just too mean to be around. So I told him to leave if it’s so bad, but he says he loves me…I’m just difficult. What’s the answer now? I’ve been praying for years and I feel like he’s farther away from God than ever before. These things all sound like excuses in order to cover for either his gaming addiction, or his lazy approach to our relationship.
Rita, first let me say how proud I am that you had the guts to show this post to your husband and have a conversation about it. You are a true helper to him in the truest sense of the word. Some follow up questions you could ask him might be:
* I want to change. I want to stop being so mean. Would you go with me to a good Christian counselor to help me work at that?
* I’m sorry I’ve been so mean. Will you forgive me? I want to change.
Let me know what you think.
Hi Carey,
I want to thank you for your advice. I told him I was sorry for being mean and he instantly started to listen. He in turn apologized, and asked me out on a date! We went last night and had a great time. He opened up a little bit more, and I realize that I hurt him deeply by telling him to leave and divorce me. I’m not certain why it’s so hard to apologize, and why I tend to zone in on his flaws. We’re both going to try, and that’s a plus. So thank you for helping me start the conversation! I appreciate you.
Sincerely,
Rita
That is so encouraging Rita… truly. Continue on that positive note by telling him how good your newfound connection makes you feel. Tell him you want more of it and will continue to do your part to treat him like a man and love him well. Tell him you want to know his love in a similar way, too.
If the two of you find you need help sorting things out here and there, please connect with me. We could set up a video chat counseling session if needed.
My husband and I have been married for almost 8 years. Right after we got married, he began to change. We never lived together but we spent a lot of time together so I thought I knew his habits/behavior. He has a temper and when he gets angry he can curse me out or scream and accuse me of all kinds of things that are untrue. He goes out at night (I do not), he says he has a part time job that makes him stay overnight twice a month but there is no proof (no job site, pay stubs, etc). I found some things that pointed to another woman and he got angry and accused me of being insecure and going thru his things. I wouldn’t have to snoop if he were honest ( I have caught him in various lies even though he swears he’s not lying). Now I’m fed up and have had enough. He asks me to stay and says he will change and as soon as I stay, everything goes back to the way it was. He goes right back to the same behavior. I did not get married to get divorced. I trust God and know He is able but am I wasting my time? I’m so frustrated that I have suffered from depression and have been suicidal in the recent past. I am overcoming those issues but I do not want to revisit them either. What should I do? I have called christian prayer lines but they only pray a general prayer (which I appreciate but I still feel like I need more). Please help
I’m sorry for your situation “alone.” It sounds like your husband is going to need a little “push” to be honest. It’s a very painful place you’re in that will require courage and strength from God. I trust He will be enough for you.
Here’s what I’d say to him were I in your shoes, “I need to talk with you about something important and I don’t want you to yell or curse at me. It’s serious and I need your help, not your anger. I know you think I’m being insecure by asking questions about your part time job and whether you’re being faithful. I admit that I am insecure. I want and need your love all to myself because that’s what we committed to each other when we married. All I know is that I can’t go on living like this. I need to be assured that you’re being honest with me. That means that I need you to prove to me that what you’re saying is true. If you can’t do that – or won’t – I am going to leave (or ask you to leave – whichever is appropriate). I don’t have any other option. If you’re unwilling to prove to me that you’re not being unfaithful, I have to assume you are because everything points in that direction. I don’t want to divorce or leave you, so please, help me know that my insecurities are not true.”
Hi. I have been married for over a year now. I have 4 children, and he has adult children. Within this, my husband and I have argued and fussed. He has a bad temper. He always revert back to things not going right with things at hone when we argue. It got to the point where he chocked me until I passed out as well as pulled a gun on me. I found sex toys and he use to use porn. He always drinks and watch tv all times of the night leaving me feeling unloved. We are not intimate, and he says it is because I complain. Well when we met, he showed all the right things and now its nothing. He uses tit for tat arguments to plead his case. I’m not sure what to do. I have suggested counciling and he wont go. I’ve suggested things for us to do and all he wants to do is come home from work watch tv and drink. He says I don’t give him anything to lol at so he is uninterested in me that’s why he avoids me. Please give feedback.
Mrs.- You are in a very difficult place and I pray God’s grace, wisdom, and strength to be yours, even now. It sounds like the violence is the main concern at this point, though there are other underlying issues that would need to be addressed eventually. But you and your kids need to get to a safe place. Don’t let yourself believe that his choking of you was a one time thing. It will only get worse. You’ve got to find a safe place, away from him… even get a restraining order if you need to. When he’s humbled enough that he’s ready to get counseling with you, then you could agree to that… but keep yourself safe until you are sure the LORD has a grip on him. You’ve got to get to a safe place, that’s most important for right now.
For all the women posting here about how awful their husbands are to them, and you think your husband is a christian, or claims to be, please know, that he is NOT. Christians do not behave in this manner as a perpetual habit. He took a vow to love honor and cherish you and he has broken that vow over and over and over and over and is not sorry for it. Sorry by the way, means the behavior is changed. So his apologies are meaningless lies. Do not be sucked in. If he is swindling your money away, refuses to provide(work) for his family, constantly belittles you, has a drug or alcohol addiction, beats you up physically or verbally, ect ect, he may still be loved by God, but he does not love God, and he does not love you. This kind of behavior which continues for a length of time, in which he refuses to actually change, is not being faithful to you as a partner. He is not being faithful to you as a parenting partner, not honoring your body, not being faithful to provide for your needs financially ect. This is unfaithfulness. If you have did everything in good faith to change the situation and he still refuses, you should seek a divorce. You deserve so much more than you are settling for. He may change, but chances are he will not, is that chance you are willing to take? Do not waste your life with someone who treats you like leftovers. Jesus did not treat us like leftovers, marriage was not intended to be a pit where the proverbial carrot is being dangled in front of you for 20 years while your spouse makes fun of you while still promising to let you smell it…. Those of you who think you are doing your kids favors by staying in a marriage where you are being hit, cursed at, physically abused, sexually neglected, belittled, and disrespected… please? really? Would you want your kids to grow up and live in a marriage like that? No? Then don’t teach them it is acceptable. Kids are smart, they are also resilient. Don’t be fooled into thinking that they will be forever ruined if you leave an abusive relationship. Please start calling this what it is, ABUSE, you do not have to be physically beaten to be abused. Do not raise your kids to put up with that. Do not allow your kids to keep living this. One day, your kids will leave home, one day sooner than you think, and when they do, what will you have? A husband who doesn’t want you. And 30 wasted years. Time you could have used to rebuild a life with someone who would actually keep their vows to you. MANY women have reached that time and looked back, and with regret, realize they should have left long before it was all wasted. If you can work and support your kids and make it without your husband, and your marriage is bad enough that you can’t imagine living any longer in it, and you have done everything you know to do to fix it, then it is over and it is time to exit.
Carmen, I appreciate your words of passion and direct confrontation of the problem. We have many sisters in this dangerous place so I urge you to join me in praying for them to have the courage and boldness to make the difficult decisions needed.
“Carmen, I appreciate your words of passion and direct confrontation of the problem. We have many sisters in this dangerous place so I urge you to join me in praying for them to have the courage and boldness to make the difficult decisions needed.”
To Carey: Really? You are praying for them to have the courage to make the difficult decisions? That’s not what I got from your posts–until Carmen had the courage to post. You appear to be part of the problem http://religionnews.com/2014/09/12/whyistayed-churches-support-spousal-abuse. Pastors and many men like you give abusers a subtle, indirect “go ahead buddy, let em have it” because we all know that first Peter 3:1 tells wives to submit to abuse!
Hi Ellen and thanks for commenting. I’m sorry you got that from my original post – it’s NOT what I intended to communicate. Clearly, I need to continue learning how to be more clear in what I write. The reason I call it a “difficult decision” is because I know from experience walking alongside women in this situation that many women struggle to make the decision. It’s difficult for them. They have to figure out things like finances, a place to live, what to do to protect their children, etc. – and it can feel like a helpless place to be. I’m not at all saying they shouldn’t make the decision to get out of the situation, just acknowledging that for various reasons it’s difficult for many women to make the decision. I have a relative who stayed years in an abusive situation (along with her kids) because she couldn’t get past those imaginary hurdles in her own mind. That IS a difficult decision – practically speaking.
Okay, I should have read your posts more carefully. It’s just that there are SO MANY “Christian” men and pastors and some women too, who advocate women staying in abusive marriages based on 1 Peter 3:1. Leslie Vernick https://christiancounseling.com/blog/uncategorized/how-and-when-is-an-abused-spouse-called-to-suffer was helpful to me in making the decision to separate from my husband. My “Christian” husband leads bible studies at work and had my pastors’ support while emotionally and verbally abusing me. Leslie does a good job of separating the advice of 1Peter from the problems of criminal abuse and destructive marriages.
I have been married for 27+ years, separated for 7, and have three grown sons. At the time I separated my husband was saying insulting things in front of our sons (complaining that he had to “feed my face” etc…etc…), even attempting to persuade them I was cheating. I left after he repeatedly physically intimidated and threatened me. It was VERY hard and I bear many emotional scars. I find it hard to trust any pastor. As a narcissist, my husband twisted a number of counselors around his little finger and they couldn’t understand what was wrong with me. My husband knew all the right things to say to a counselor…. he loves me, he would do anything for me, he wants to get along with me, he loves God and is trusting in Him, etc…etc…. But the real situation is that my husband never left his birth family and he and they gossip and lie about me throughout his extended family, my husband insisted on the family attending a “grace” bible church that taught rebounding after confession of sin with no real consequences, repentance or apology apart from prayer to God, and taught strict submission of wives to husbands. Hence my husband continues to say many unkind things to me and behind my back and never apologizes, refuses to support me financially (fortunately I have a good job), enjoys his separated life and lets me know it, and refuses to communicate with me if I am not “nice”. Counselors, Christian or secular, cannot grasp the emotionally destructive nature of the relationship and the clever manipulations because they do not understand the narcissistic mind. I am stuck because I don’t believe the bible supports divorce in my situation. I am shy, have chronic illnesses and am alone in life while my husband grins and enjoys the support of a large family and several ultra conservative pastors.
Hi again Ellen, and thanks for that acknowledgment.
My heart truly aches for situations like yours. What you describe is in no sense the godly husband we are taught to be. I feel that the body of Christ has to figure out ways to be in deeper and more authentic accountability so that it is harder for men/women to get away with the kind of duplicity you describe. It is hypocrisy and sin, outright. But we fight a culture that teaches a “not your business” mentality – and sadly the church often buys that concept and thereby abdicates any standard of conduct that could lead toward practical holiness. I pray for you right now. LORD Jesus, please continue to give Ellen the comfort she needs and the provision and support that will enable her to continue as You have called her to be at this time. I pray you would painfully break her husband’s heart over his sin that he might truly repent and make amends. Make your bride holy in this situation.
Thank you, I will make that my prayer as well.
I feel that we shy away from such “aggressive” prayers even though in our hearts we know that is what the person needs. I’m trying not to shy away anymore. We are to pray the LORD’s will – so if I believe that is His will, I should be willing to pray it. 🙂
I have read a great deal about narcissistic personalities. Most psychologists say that those with strongly narcissistic personalities cannot change. Therefore I do not find your prayer to be “aggressive” at all, but right on. Thank you again.
I wish my husband would read this and care. This is so on point with how I feel. But it really seems like he doesn’t care about how I feel.
Two weeks ago I found porn on his computer. I confronted him about it in love. I told him I would do whatever it takes to help me get rid of that. We then had two weeks of an ideal marriage! He loved me. Pursued me. Etc. Yesterday he wanted to stay on his computer until 2 am. I am obviously no longer comfortable with that. So I told him I’d stay up with him to help him avoid temptation. He got annoyed with me. But I didn’t let off. He finally said ok, let’s go to bed. We went to bed and in the morning I tried cuddling with him and he said, “get away from me. I don’t want you in my life.”
What do I do?
If the husband doesn’t want to pursue me, what do I do?! We have only been married for 2 years and he already treats me like this!
Please help!
I want to do the right thing but I feel so alone right now.
Hi Karina, I’m sorry for the pain you are feeling. My guess is that your husband has more going on inside than he’s letting on. I believe you need to find someone he trusts that you both feel good about to serve you as a marriage counselor. You need some help to navigate what’s going on inside him and to understand how the two of you can work together to bring about healing. I’m praying for you both even now.