When you think of sex, it’s natural to think of pleasure. The tabloid’s obviously do…
“How to drive him crazy in Bed.”
“10 tips for amazing sex.”
The goal is clearly the maximization of pleasure. If we learn the right approach, technique, or attitude the amount of pleasure we get from sex will be unbelievable.
But the belief that sex is about pleasure is a false belief.
And Christians have bought into it just like everyone else.
I’ve heard the belief loud and clear in counseling sessions with Christian couples.
- His sexual desires are not being met.
- She doesn’t feel comfortable with things in their sexual life.
- He wants her to try something new – and he’s upset because she’s hesitant.
- She simply doesn’t enjoy sex.
All of those may be problems of a sort that need to be worked through. But at the foundation of those struggles is the belief that sex is about pleasure.
So, I want to say it again…[tweetthis]Sex is not about pleasure. If you “get” that, you’ll improve your sex life, guaranteed.[/tweetthis]
If sex is not about pleasure, what IS it about? Beyond the obvious result of procreation, sex is about two things…1 Expressing love 2 Service
The “sex is about pleasure” belief promotes sex as a mechanical act for the sake of personal enjoyment.
When sex is approached in that way it’s purely self-serving.
There’s no love in it. There’s no sense of service.
It’s more like what you see on Animal Planet, a physical act driven by a primal instinct, and nothing more.[tweetthis]As human beings, God intended sex to be more than animal instinct – because we are more than animals.[/tweetthis]
We are made in the image of God.
Though there’s much debate about what it means to be made in God’s image, it means at least this:
The soulish part of us (mind, will, emotion) is somehow like Him. Because of that, there is more involved in human sexuality than simply a physical act.
In “becoming one” through sex (a euphemism used by the scriptures) all of us is involved.
We are to be intentional about sex, expressing love on purpose, serving our spouse thoughtfully through pleasing them in a physical way.
The expression of love and service through sex means a lot of things:
If they don’t like it, you don’t push it. No matter what it is. Period.
- There is probably need to talk through these kinds of issues to gain a clearer understanding of each other.
- In doing so, you might discover that your spouse is uncomfortable because there’s something morally questionable about the practice you’re considering.
- You may find that your desire for that practice is rooted more in your past life of sin than in your present life as a Saint.
- You may uncover abuses or insecurities from the past that need to be worked through and healed.
- And you will surely discover things involved in the sex act, from your spouse’s perspective, that will enable you to love and serve him/her better.
If your partner is uncomfortable with something, you back off until they are comfortable. Even if they never are.
- Love and service demand that your care for your partner should outweigh your desire for a particular sexual practice.
- Love is patient and kind (1 Corinthians 3:4). Never forget that when speaking to your partner about sexual desires and issues.
- Pushing someone into something they are uncomfortable with is inconsiderate at best. At worst, it’s akin to rape.
- Your spouse’s well-being should be among your highest priorities. Your attitude about sexual things/practices should reflect that.
Sexual love in marriage is to be spouse-centric, not you-centric.
- Learn what your partner needs from the sex act and aim toward meeting that need. It’s not always going to be physical in nature.
- If your partner expresses a desire for a sexual experience with you you’ve not considered, prayerfully consider it in light of scripture.
- If you know your spouse enjoys a particular thing during sex, consider how you can bless/love them by doing it for them.
- Think about sex from your partner’s perspective and seek ways to be a blessing to him/her sexually. (Good conversations will reveal their perspective).
And I’m sure there’s a lot more…
But the point is this:
If both spouses are approaching their sexual life together with love/service attitudes, both of them will be blessed and their sexual life will grow into maturity over time.
I know there are seeming contradictions in those things…
- The tension between what you are comfortable with and what your spouse may desire.
- The sexual desires you have that may, at least for now, be at odds with what is most loving to your spouse.
- The ability to lovingly supply a sexual blessing to your spouse when that very act is difficult for you.
Those are very real tensions, not easily dealt with. What do you do with them?
- You work to grow in spiritual maturity.
- You learn to walk by the Spirit and be a conduit for His fruit (Galatians 5:22-23).
- You humble yourself under the mighty hand of God, and trust Him to lift you up in due time (1 Peter 5:6).
But you can get started.
I’d love to hear your thoughts on this issue.
What have your struggles been?
How have you navigated these tensions between desire and consideration?