Archive for Christian marriage

3 reasons divorce is not an option

Posted by Carey

· Monday, April 14th, 2014

Remove the word “divorce” from your vocabulary.

That’s some advice my wife and I received when we were first married… and it was great advice.

In my thinking, if you always have divorce in the back of your head, as a “just in case” option, you’re going to be less committed to working through the hard things that inevitably come up in marriage. You’re going to be more prone to consider bailing out when times get tough. You’re going to be open to making one of the biggest mistakes of your life.

I want to encourage you to decide that divorce is not an option.

Why do I think divorce is such a bad idea? Here are 3 reasons…

1I’ve seen the devastation divorce causes, to husband and wife, to children, and to extended families. The family is intended to be God’s place for stability, security, and growth. When the two people who are most responsible to see that it is decide to abandon ship, the whole family goes down in flames.

2Divorce is hardly ever a good thing for kids. Research has proven this to be true, time and time again. Even in cases where a spouse is abusive and the divorce happens for the protection of the children, the repercussions on their lives are typically bad. I know there are times when the choice is not easy and the children have to be protected. But divorce has consequences of its own.

3The possibility of a spiritual legacy of faith being passed on from one generation to the next is dramatically hampered by divorce. Sure, a single parent can do that effectively, but the typical divorce situation makes it incredibly more difficult to do so. Unreconciled differences between parents communicate to the kids that Jesus can’t do anything to truly help in the situations of real life. That makes them much more likely to hold Christian faith at arm’s length, or abandon it altogether.

I know there are extremely difficult circumstances that people face…

Abusive spouses
Addictions
Illegal activity going on in the home
Familial interference
and more…

But the heart of the gospel is about reconciliation, and I believe that too many couples nowadays give up before truly, really trying everything possible to reconcile their marriages. When things get tough, they throw in the towel, because they’ve not decided, ahead of time, that they are going to fight for the health and stability of their marriage.

What I’m suggesting is excruciatingly difficult. I know.

I also know that there are situations in this fallen world where it simply won’t work. But I want to call you to believe in a Savior who is able to conquer and overcome every obstacle, including…

A selfish spouse
An abusive spouse
An unrepentant spouse
A cheating spouse
A spouse with legitimate and extreme mental illness

Jesus can overcome everything. Even your spouse and your marital issues. Do you believe that? Do you believe it enough to do everything within your power to stick it out and make things right?

And… there’s more going on than searching for a “happy ending”

Besides all of that, there’s the possibility, in fact the likelihood, that Jesus is using the difficulties you face in your marriage to refine you, to make you more like Him. I know that’s not a popular sentiment, and it’s hard to hear, but it’s the gospel truth. The hardships we face are designed by God to bring about good for us, good in us (Romans 8:28). If you’re quick to jump out of a difficult marriage through divorce, you’re likely side-stepping God’s work in your life.

Jesus is at work, even in your difficult marriage.

Please, consider it. Divorce is not an option.

Your thoughts? Please comment below…

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Categories : Marriage

Dealing with emotional pain in marriage

Posted by Carey

· Friday, April 11th, 2014

Emotional pain left over from the past is powerful.

And it’s especially damaging when it resides inside a marriage relationship. I’ve seen couples married 5 years, or 35 years, struggling to get past hurts that happened years and/or decades earlier. Pain and resentment, like rotting garbage, pile up year after year, offense after offense, and grow into a stinking, smoldering, nasty infection that makes the marriage into a miserable mountain of pain, rather than the joy it’s meant to be.

The problem is not the emotional pain. We all experience pain like that. It’s part of life. The problem is not even that the pain happened in the first place. We all make mistakes, bad choices, and sin against other people. That’s part of life, too. The problem is that the emotional pain, when it happens, is typically never adequately dealt with.

When I say, “dealt with” I mean truly, completely dealt with.

There are many, many people who say they’ve “dealt with” offenses and hurts that have happened in their marriage, but they haven’t. What they did was wait until the pain simmered down a bit, until they finally began talking to their spouse again simply because they had to in order to live, and then went on with life. Because things went back to “normal,” it felt like the situation was dealt with. But it hadn’t. What happened was this: the pain went underground, where it simmered and stewed and festered, like boil… until it was ready to explode.

That’s typically when I meet these couples. They are either about to blow, or already have. They are a miserable, devastated mess and come to my wife and I for help.

You don’t want to be that couple… so what can you do to avoid it?

You need to learn how to TRULY deal with the emotional pain as it occurs. Both you and your spouse need to commit to doing so. Here’s the biblical pattern for how you do it, taken from Matthew chapter 18.

The offended person needs to lovingly bring up the offense.
The offender needs to truly listen, humbly accepting responsibility for his/her part in the issue.
The offender needs to repent (express genuine sorrow and truly commit to adjusting his/her behavior in future situations).
The hurt person needs to forgive the offender.

No part of that process is easy, on either side. But it has to be done – over, and over, and over, throughout the course of your marriage. If you don’t here’s what happens…

Each offense is thrown into a “deal with it later” pile.
The next offense is piled on top… and the next, and the next, and the next.
After a while, even the smallest offense becomes very painful emotionally, because of the weight of the entire, unresolved pile.
It’s a stinking pile of garbage that has to be dealt with, one at a time.

To get over that kind of emotional pain… that’s exactly what you need to do… deal with each offense, one at a time.

It sounds like a laborious process, because it is. It’s pretty much the first thing we do in our marriage intensive counseling, so that we can start with a “clean slate” and move into the primary issues the couple is facing, effectively.

My hope is that Christian couples will learn how to do this for themselves, unpacking the emotional pain that lodges in their soul and in the soul of their spouse, day, by day, by day. It’s the biblical way… the only way, to truly deal with the power of emotional pain.

If you’d like to know more, I’d love to correspond with you.

If you have thoughts on this subject, or questions, I’d love to interact in the comments below. – Thanks!

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Categories : Marriage

Tags : Christian marriage, conflict in marriage, emotional pain

8 things every wife needs to understand about her husband (# 5 will probably shock you)

Posted by Carey

· Tuesday, March 4th, 2014

Ladies, do you ever have trouble understanding your husband?

Do his little quirks baffle you? Does his perspective on life make you shake your head? Do you ever wonder, “What is this THING I married?”

If you do, you’re not alone. Your husband probably feels the same way about you, at times.

I don’t mean that in a derogatory sense at all. I’m pointing out that, that type of confusion goes both ways. In other words: He is a man, you are a woman. You are different than each other. Very different.

Because you’re so different, there are things you need to know about each other, things that will help you gain true understanding about how each other thinks, responds, and understands the stuff life throws at each of you.

Ladies, in this post, I’m gonna’ tell you some things that I hope will help you understand your husband.

They are things that are vital to who he is as a man, that he may never tell you. It’s not that he’s holding something back, it’s that most men don’t realize that what I’m about to tell you, is actually true of them. They don’t know themselves very well, which is probably not news to you.

The reason I can tell you these things is simple: I have been a husband for 25 years, and I’ve been a man for my whole life. I’ve also spent the last 20+ years coming alongside men as they strive to become more than they are, for the sake of their families and for the sake of Christ.

Before I move ahead, let me make one disclaimer about your husband: Every man is unique.

The reason it’s important for me to say that is because some of the things in the list below may not apply to your husband. The best way for you to find out, is to ask him.

In fact, here’s an ACTION STEP for you… take the points below and set aside a time to discuss them with your husband. Find out how HE feels about what I share below. I think you’ll find your relationship enriched greatly by that kind of conversation. If you want a weekly tool to help you get the conversation in your family going, sign up for my free “Conversation Starters for Couples” list.

And if you’re a husband who happens to be reading this, don’t send me critical emails telling me I got it all wrong. If what I describe is not describing you, then be a big boy and understand me when I say, “I’m probably not talking about you.”

8 things every wife needs to understand about her husband

#1 – He’s a scared little boy, inside.

I’ve yet to meet a guy of whom this untrue. They won’t all admit it. In fact, many would get angry to hear me say it. But in my mind, that reaction just proves my point.

So, what do I mean by this? I mean that every man longs to be a real man. He wants to fulfill his duty to be a good provider, protector, and competent leader. He wants to be strong, capable, and adequate for the challenges that life throws at him. [pullquote position=”right”]But every man is also subconsciously afraid that he can’t cut it. He’s afraid of failing, afraid of missing the mark, afraid of letting you and the kids down.[/pullquote]

This is one of the biggest reasons behind his defensiveness. It’s why he argues with you about things. It’s why he doesn’t like to ask for directions. He’s trying to prove to himself first, then to you, that he’s capable.

So what do you do?

Do your best to respect your husband (Ephesians 5:33). I know it can be hard if he’s not acting very respectable, but trust the Holy Spirit to help you.
Let yourself sympathize with the lack of training and help he may have received in this area. He’s learning. Ask the LORD to enable you to be patient with the process.
Pray for him, that the LORD will reveal to him how he is competent and capable in Christ (2 Corinthians 3:6).
Encourage him to go to events that can help him make up for lost time.

#2 – He’s not wired as emotionally as you.

Your husband is an emotional creature, but not like you are. He feels things, but not nearly as intensely as you do. By now, you probably already know this about your husband, but have you thought through the ramifications of it?

Because he’s not as emotional, he’s not as relational either. Relationships are built in large part, on the give and take of emotional interactions.
This difference in emotions makes effective communication a challenge for him. [pullquote position=”right”]He doesn’t naturally know how to express what he’s feeling. In fact, he may not even recognize that he’s feeling something at all. I know, that’s crazy-weird to you, but it’s a reality about him you need to understand.[/pullquote]
As a result of not being wired emotionally, he’ll have a hard time understanding you. He’s not being intentionally hurtful, he’s just doing the best he can to understand something/someone that is totally different from him.

So what should you do?

I’m definitely NOT saying that you should just get used to it. Your husband NEEDS to learn how to understand you better (1 Peter 3:7).
But you SHOULD work hard to understand the learning-curve he’s going to have to go through in order to get to the point of understanding his (and your) emotions. It’s not going to happen overnight. In fact, it will probably take a very long time for him to connect on your level, in your way.
Learn to ask him careful, caring questions about what he’s feeling. My wife started asking me multiple-choice style questions that were very helpful (i.e. Are you feeling angry, or frustrated, or justified, or happy?)
Pray for him about this issue.
You should also use this information to simmer down your emotions about the way he responds (or doesn’t respond) to you. He’s not intending to be hurtful, he just doesn’t know any better, yet. 🙂

#3 – He needs you to help him know himself better.

Like I mentioned earlier, your husband likely doesn’t know himself very well. Most men just move from event to event without analyzing things like emotions, motives, mistakes, etc. They just keep on keeping on.

I don’t mean to make it sound like men are brainless beasts, because that’s far from the truth. It’s just that guys are very good at getting through the tough stuff of life and continuing forward. Because of this, [pullquote position=”right”]it could seem to you, like your husband is insensitive to hurts, unaware of offenses, or blind to the way he comes across. That’s because he very well may be.[/pullquote]

On top of that, you can add the fact that most men in the world today weren’t intentionally taught how to healthily handle things like relationships, emotions, or conflicts. They have great desires to do right by people, especially the ones they love, but they simply don’t always know how.

You, as a woman, are wired to understand those things a lot better than your husband, and God has given you to him to be his helper. That means he NEEDS your help… and this is one of the areas where he needs it.

So, what do you do?

You help him… carefully, lovingly, in a way that encourages him as a man.
Recognize that you are the exact one God has placed in his life to help him with this (Genesis 2:18), and commit yourself to serving him, as his helper, under the direction of the Holy Spirit of God.
Keep reading. You’ll get some more tips about what that means as you work your way through the rest of the list.

#4 – He has a hard time being a spiritual leader, for some very good reasons.

As I mentioned in point #1, your husband is scared of failing in the important things in life. Spiritual leadership is one of the most significant areas where this is true.

On top of that, [pullquote position=”right”]he’s likely never had a mature, spiritually-capable man of God, come alongside to guide him into an understanding of what spiritual leadership looks like.[/pullquote] That makes it extremely hard, because it’s hard to do something when you don’t know what it’s supposed to look like. Wouldn’t you agree?

On top of that, because he’s not very relationally wired (see point #2), he has a hard time connecting in a relationship with God for himself. It doesn’t come as naturally for him as it does for you. I think that’s a large part of why more women are actively involved in church than men.

So what do you do?

None of the reasons why he has a hard time stepping in to spiritual leadership serve to excuse him from the responsibility. But it’s helpful for you to be aware of, for the sake of understanding him, and being patient with the “good work” process the LORD is doing in his life (Philippians 1:6).
Learn about spiritual leadership yourself, so that you have a realistic idea of what you are praying and hoping for.
If you think he’d be open, encourage him to listen to the audio at the link above.
Pray for him, that God will be his teacher in this area. Pray that he’ll find a mentor or coach who can guide him in this realm.

# 5 – You probably intimidate him.

I’m not saying that you intentionally get in his face and make him back down. I’m not saying that you try to coerce him into things he doesn’t want to do. BUT, If you do happen to do either of those things, that’s sin on your part, and you should repent.

What I DO mean is this: Generally speaking, guys are one-track-minded beings. We get started on something and tend to be unable to think of much else, at least for the short term. You are very different than that (sensing a theme here?). You can do many, many things at the same time, and generally, you’re able to do them all fairly well.

Connect that difference with point #1 (he’s afraid he can’t cut it), and you can see why your husband might seem defensive or combative at times. [pullquote position=”right”]Your competence, which is a good thing, accentuates the incompetent feelings he’s already fighting inside his own soul, so he responds to it badly at times.[/pullquote]

Connect that difference with point #1, and point #4 (spiritual leadership is hard for him), and it makes sense that if you come on too strong in the spiritual arena, he’s likely back off completely and let you take the lead there. The problem is, that’s not a biblical approach, and therefore, not healthy for either of you.

So what do you do?

Keep your walk with the LORD strong, but don’t flaunt it in front of him.
Read, understand, and apply the next two points. He needs them from you almost as much as he needs breath. Really.

# 6 – He needs you to value and encourage his manliness, not criticize it.

The differences between you and your husband are real, and can be very frustrating. I get that.

But remember WHO it is who put the two of you together. [pullquote position=”right”]God thought this marriage thing was a great idea, and we should assume He’s right about that. In fact, He thought YOUR marriage was a good idea, no matter how painful or irritating it may seem right now.[/pullquote]

God put you and your husband together to complement each other. That means you are supposed to fit well together, to fill in the gaps for each other, to work in a harmonious way toward God’s purpose for your marriage (Ephesians 5:21-33). That means that what HE brings to the relationship, as a man, is vital.

So what do you do?

Ask God to help you understand the strengths that come to your relationship because of your husband’s manly ways.
Begin to think of your husband as a gift, not a hindrance. That’s what God intends, and what God wants to make him to be.
Tell him the manly things about him that you appreciate (the way he provides, the way you feel safe when he’s around, etc.). Don’t let anything that should be said, go without saying. He needs it from you.
Get into a habit of telling him that you’re glad you married him. Ask God to help you get there, if you’re not up to it yet.

# 7 – He needs you to notice and encourage the progress he’s making.

[pullquote position=”right”]Most husbands are trying. They really are. They hear your complaints, suggestions, and needs, and are doing the best they can to make you happy.[/pullquote] But because of everything mentioned so far, the growth comes slowly and with great difficulty. From your perspective, because there is so much growth that still needs to happen, it can be difficult to notice the baby steps he’s taking. But he is taking them.

What do you do?

Ask the LORD to help you notice the areas where your husband is trying, or improving.
Think back to conversations you’ve had, where you’ve asked him to change or grow in an area. Begin looking for his attempts at improvement so that you can encourage him in those areas.
Thank him for trying. Point out what you see. Let him know that you appreciate the effort and see his progress. We all need encouragement, especially when we’re doing something that is hard for us.
Ask the LORD to give you wisdom about your criticisms or attempts to help him. Sometimes the LORD may have you hold your tongue rather than point out another area where your husband needs to improve.

# 8 –If he believes that you truly believe in him, he’ll rock the world.

I believe this. I’ve seen it hold true in the lives of couples that my wife and I have counseled. [pullquote position=”right”]Once couples get on the same page and begin working together, appreciating the differences God has created in each other, an amazing thing happens. Men begin living out their manly role… as husbands, as fathers, as spiritual leaders.[/pullquote]

But I also believe it because I feel it myself, too. I’ve told my wife repeatedly, “When I feel that you are behind me, I can take on the world.” It’s not a statement of hyped up bravado, it’s a statement of how important it is for a man to feel that the woman the LORD has given to him truly respects him and believes he can make a difference in the world.

So what should you do?

Ask the LORD to show you how to truly believe in HIS work in your husband. It’s not an issue of you trusting your husband to make changes, it’s an issue of you trusting God to do HIS work in your husband.
Pray for your husband to get a vision of what God desires to empower him to become. When God sets a man on fire, things begin to change.
Enlist others to pray for your husband. Don’t broadcast details, but get some trusted, close friends on the prayer wagon with you.
Tell your husband that you’re praying for him. He needs to know your support on a variety of levels.
Dream with him. Ask him what he thinks the LORD wants to happen in his life. Ask him how you can help.

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Categories : Marriage

Tags : Christian marriage, how to understand your husband, understand men, understanding your husband

Break’s over! Christian Home and Family is moving forward

Posted by Carey

· Friday, February 7th, 2014

Some time ago (almost 4 months ago , can you believe it?) I told you that I was going to be taking a break from blogging, podcasting – the whole nine yards. I told you that I needed to take a break to make sure that I was keeping my priorities straight.

Thanks for your patience.

I’m writing to today to let you know that my rest break is over and the CHAF min istry will be moving forward in the weeks to come…

It was a great break, and the LORD used it to help me rethink my understanding of His purpose for this ministry. The main thing that is on my heart is this…

My ultimate goal is to equip you, in any way I can, to build a legacy of lasting faith in your family, for generations to come.

I’m passionate about that for you, because I’m passionate about it for my own family.

I now bear the title, “Grand-pop.” Our first grandson, Wyatt, was born in June of 2013. The reality of what generational faithfulness means, is coming home to me in a big way. I desperately want to see genuine Christian faith passed along in my own family. From me and my wife, to our children, to their children, and on, and on. It’s vital. It’s the the main way that God intends faith to be passed along. I want it for my family, and I want it for yours.

But its’ an overwhelming goal in many ways. It’s like trying to eat an elephant. How can it possibly be done, and where should I begin? Those are very real questions, but the LORD has been faithful. He’s given me a perspective on how to approach it. I’m narrowing my focus to aim at 3 very distinct and specific areas. Here’s the three areas, and what they mean to me…

CHRISTIAN

I firmly believe that healthy homes begin with healthy individuals, and it’s the parents’ health that matters most. Parents, you have to be radically, passionately, forever-sold-out to Jesus if you expect your kids to be that way in years to come. They need to see the authenticity of your faith before it’s going to be appealing to them. I see that challenge in my own family. It’s a singular area of focus that I have to be conscious of daily.

With that in mind, I’m going to be focusing my efforts on helping you parents walk alongside me, as we get our spiritual lives on track and thriving. Toward that end, I’m going to be ramping up my production of resources to help you get on track. The first resource is already completed – my book “RECHARGE.” (ebook and paperback) It’s a short but powerful book aimed at helping you develop methods and mindsets that will take you to a place of intimacy with the LORD, and stay there.

Don’t take your relationship with the LORD lightly, parents. Too much is riding on it. Take the challenge to get off your duff and walk closely to the LORD. He’s promised, if you seek Him, you will find Him (Jeremiah 29:13).

HOME

After you, the parents, are on track in your relationship with the LORD, comes your home… and the foundational relationship within your home is your marriage. If your marriage is not modeled after God’s pattern for the marriage relationship, you are going to have a very hard time creating an atmosphere in your home that honors Christ. That’s because your relationship with each other is supposed to mirror God’s relationship with His people (Ephesians 5:22-32). It’s a symbol, an image of the kind of interaction and love God desires to have with His own.

Toward that end, I’m working to provide resources to help you take your marriage relationship to a new, Christ-filled level. I’ve already produced my Marriage Improvement Project book, (ebook & paperback) and also do marriage intensive counseling for those in need. But in weeks and months to come I’ll be rolling out some more articles on the blog, and additional resources to help you improve your marriage. I am hoping that some of those resources will be unique events, designed for couples who are eager to see their marriage become the best example of Christ’s love for his bride that it can be. I’m already hosting the “Understanding Way Weekend” for Christian husbands. You can find out more about that event here.

FAMILY

Here’s where we get to the main concern on many parents’ hearts – their children. Most Christian parents want to see their children walking faithfully through life in a way that honors and exalts Jesus Christ. But that kind of legacy is built upon the efforts of the two previous areas. So, if you’re looking for parenting help, I am providing it bit at a time, but you need to know that your first order of business is to get the previous two areas on track.

That doesn’t mean I’m not working on resources in this area. My plan at this point is to continue blog articles aimed at parents, to help you develop the mindset and methods that can help you raise your children in a practical, Christ-honoring way. In time, I’ll be producing a book on the subject of Christian parenting, with my wife’s tremendous input. You can pray for us, that we’ll be sensitive to the LORD’s lead on that project and know better how to proceed.

One other idea we’ve had, which is an item of prayer, are practical events for Christian parents, aimed at helping them apply the wisdom of God’s word directly to the parenting situations they face. For now, we are referring to these as “Christian parenting intensives,” which could be done 2 on 2, or in a group context. We’re also considering day-long seminars where 8 to 10 couples come together to learn God’s principles for life and parenting with integrated discussions regarding how those principles relate to the real-life situations parents face in our world.

HOW IT’S GOING TO HAPPEN

In terms of how I’m going to go about all this, here are my current thoughts:

The podcast will be back on the air soon… but with a slightly different format on many of the episodes. I’m expecting to do video recordings, to post on the blog, and take the audio from those videos to publish as the podcast. Most of the time, these will be in bite-sized chunks, tips and powerful truths from the scriptures you can meditate on and consume quickly. But there will also be occasions where I feature a guest interview or do some extended teaching as I have in the past.
The blog is resuming, with articles expected at least twice a week (in addition to the podcast episodes). I’ll continue to cover the three topics mentioned above, with a stronger focus on how the three areas fit together to create a lasting legacy of faithfulness to Christ in the family.
Videos are part of my strategy toward the future. More and more people are turning to video for the information they need, and I want to be there to help those who are looking for Christian family oriented resources. I’ll be posting more often to YouTube as well as featuring those videos here on the website. In time, I’ll be able to compile many of those resources into products that families or church groups can use in a concentrated way. You can pray for me as I begin learning the technological things need to make the videos helpful, good quality, and effective.
More books are on the way. The LORD has impressed on my heart that I’m to maximize my teaching and writing gifts in the calling He’s given me to equip you for a lasting legacy of faith. So I’ll be formatting some of my teaching from years gone by into books, and creating new ones to help you navigate family life in the crazy world in which we live. I’ve already completed one work of Christian fiction, soon to be released. It’s a novel for young adults and adults, aimed at using the power of story to communicate timeless, Christ-centered truths about faith and life.

And, I’m sure, the LORD will lead me into additional things…

to help you maximize His calling on your life and the work His Spirit desires to complete in you. I’d love to get your feedback… and to know how I can help you. You matter to me, because God’s work through you and your family matter.

Have you caught the vision?

Do you realize that God’s ideal is for your family to honor Him for generations?
Do you recognize that nothing short of a radical commitment to His truth, applied in your life, is going to make that possible?
Do you know, that His Spirit will empower you to make it happen as you are faithful to live in obedience to Him, one step at a time?

So much is at stake, and you and I have the great honor to partner with the LORD in seeing it come about. He will do it through us, as we do our part to draw near to Him and work alongside Him.

I’d love to know how this idea strikes you.

Are you in? Are you ready to move passionately toward the LORD for the sake of your family, for the sake of generations?

Categories : General Announcements, Marriage, Parenting, Spirit Health

Tags : Christian Home and Family, Christian marriage, Christian parenting

Podcast 51 – Men: Become a student of your wife – live with her in an understanding way

Posted by Carey

· Wednesday, August 28th, 2013

Today’s Presenter

Carey Green

REVIEW ON I-TUNES

SUMMARY OF TODAY’S PODCAST

Men: Become a student of your wife

Husbands have a hard time understanding their wives… it’s so common that there are jokes all across our culture about the fact. But rather than give in to the belief that it is “impossible” Christian men are called to something more, something higher for the sake of being like Christ and giving sacrificially of themselves. Christian men are under a great responsibility as husbands to love their wives rightly. It is a stewardship given to them by God to protect, care for, and nurture their wives. In this episode of the podcast I’m talking to the men… straight from the scriptures from 1 Peter 3:7. Men, it’s time to begin learning how to live with your wives in an understanding way… and you do that by becoming a student of your wife.

A quote to share

[pullquote]Being the stronger vessel doesn’t make a husband superior – it makes him responsible.[/pullquote]

Use the quote to the left to share on your Facebook and Twitter accounts. That’s one way you can help spread the word about The Christian Home and Family Podcast and help me spread the Word and ways of God to more and more families.

Links mentioned in this podcast:

The video from Mark Driscoll I mentioned (also embedded below)
My post, “Is your wife safe with you?“

SUBSCRIBE TO THE CHRISTIAN HOME AND FAMILY PODCAST

Or if you are using a “podcatcher” here is the feed address: https://christianhomeandfamily.com/feed/podcast/ LEAVE FEEDBACK AND A REVIEW ON I-TUNES

NEXT EPISODE: August 28, 2013 – Podcast 51 – Husbands: become a student of your wife

The main music track used in the Christian Home and Family Podcast is entitled, “Midian” and is from Adam Rey’s instrumental album Meat & Potatoes – Adam has generously given me permission to use his music, so please, support his generosity by checking out and purchasing his music at www.heyreyguitar.com – (no affiliate relationship, Adam’s just my friend.) ** these are affiliate links

Categories : Marriage, Podcast

Tags : 1 Peter 3:7, Christian husband, Christian marriage, husband, live with your wife in an understanding way

Podcast 43: God’s description of a Christian Husband

Posted by Carey

· Wednesday, July 3rd, 2013

Today’s Guest:

Carey Green
founder, Christian Home and Family

REVIEW ON I-TUNES

SUMMARY OF TODAY’S PODCAST
God’s description of a Christian husband

The world is filled with ideas of what a man should be. When it comes to being a husband we can find even more expectations and examples of what makes a “good man” for a woman to find. But doesn’t it make sense to find out what God says a Christian husband should be? This episode is a continuation of a previous episode where I dive deeply into what the scriptures say about what a Godly, Christian husband should be. Men… don’t shy away from what God says. His empowerings are His enablings. Young women, don’t settle for anything less… the LORD will bless you as you wait on Him.

[/gn_note]

Links & Resources mentioned in this podcast:

The Marriage Improvement Project

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Or if you are using a “podcatcher” here is the feed address: https://christianhomeandfamily.com/feed/podcast/

LEAVE FEEDBACK AND A REVIEW ON I-TUNES

NEXT EPISODE: July 10, 2013 – Podcast 44- Christian books, Christian Classics, and the Christian family with Luke Wilson

** these are affiliate links

Categories : Marriage, Podcast

Tags : biblical husband, biblical manhood, Christian husband, Christian man, Christian marriage, how to be a better husband, how to encourage your husband, marriage, what the bible says about husbands

Podcast 36: Jesus restores the original in male/female relationships

Posted by Carey

· Wednesday, May 15th, 2013

Jesus restores the original

Today’s Speaker:

Carey Green

SUMMARY OF TODAY’S PODCAST
Jesus restores the original

Male female relationships have always been tough… well, not really always. Originally God created male and female in such a way that they were complementary to each other, carrying out roles within their relationship that made everything work. And Jesus came to restore that way of functioning… but whether or not Christian couples live that out depends in large part on whether they understand what He’s done and what He intends. In today’s episode of the podcast we look at how Jesus dealt with women and find that He took on an attitude about women that was very, very different from that of the sinful culture in which He lived. He lived according to the original design of God, and restored it.

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Or if you are using a “podcatcher” here is the feed address: https://christianhomeandfamily.com/feed/podcast/

LEAVE FEEDBACK AND A REVIEW ON I-TUNES

NEXT EPISODE: May 22, 2013 – Podcast 37- Stages of grief and the sovereignty of God with R.C. Sproul, Jr.

** these are affiliate links

What are your thoughts about adult children turning away from the faith? Leave your comments below!

Categories : Marriage, Podcast

Tags : Christian marriage, complementarian, egalitarian, Jesus restores, male female relationships, unity in marriage

Are you a relational ostrich?

Posted by Carey

· Friday, April 19th, 2013

Are you a relational ostrich?

Communication is huge – in the family and in life.

But it won’t happen if you don’t have the courage to do what you KNOW needs to be done.

Don’t be a relational ostrich, sticking your head in the sand, hoping that the difficulties or awkward situations will go away.

Your family will only be damaged by your silence, because silence is a negative communicator.

If you don’t talk about the important things… your family members – who also know they are important – may conclude you simply don’t care.

They may decide that you don’t care about them.

You MUST communicate – no matter how difficult the issues may be.

Take the time to ask questions – listen – and respond with mercy and understanding.
Take the time to speak truth to your spouse or children as needed.
Don’t let fear rule your life. Don’t let awkwardness rule the day.

Pull your head out of the sand and lovingly address the issues that face you as a family.

You’ll find that God is right there with you, ready to help you with the wisdom and power of His word.

Ephesians 4:25 – Therefore, having put away falsehood, let each one of you speak the truth with his neighbor, for we are members one of another.

What are the hardest things for you to talk about with your family members? What have you found that helps? Share your thoughts below…

Categories : Marriage, Parenting

Tags : Christian marriage, Christian parenting, communication, realational, relationships

Podcast 32: Marriage made in heaven

Posted by Carey

· Wednesday, April 17th, 2013

Marriage Made in Heaven – an exploration of God’s design for marriage

Today’s Speaker:

Carey Green

SUMMARY OF TODAY’S PODCAST
Marriage Made in Heaven

The designer of a thing does so with a purpose in mind. The same is true of God’s design for marriage. He intended marriage to be one man and one woman, for life. And He intended that relationship to function in a certain way, with each partner in the relationship taking on specific roles according to how He has designed them as individuals. In this episode we will dive in to the biblical teaching on male/female relationships in marriage and discover the basic roles each was to play in the marriage. It’s an issue that is fundamental to a healthy, Christ-centered home – because it represents His relationship with the church, and shows every person in the home His great love for them.

Links & Resources mentioned in this podcast:

My Compass Weekend for Young Men

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LEAVE FEEDBACK AND A REVIEW ON I-TUNES

NEXT EPISODE: April 24, 2013 – Podcast 33 – The heart of time management, with Loren Pinilis (www.lifeofasteward.com)

What are your thoughts about the balance between career and family? What have you found helpful? Leave your comments below!

Categories : Marriage, Podcast

Tags : Christian marriage, husband and wife roles, male and female roles in marriage

My defensiveness is destroying my family

Posted by Carey

· Friday, April 5th, 2013

Defensiveness sparked a 2 hour conflict with my wife last night…

It was a sadly typical scene.

Like many times before, she picked up on a critical, negative attitude I had toward one of the children, and she was boldly kind enough to talk to me about it.

I immediately began defending myself.

I built a case to justify my behavior.
I tried to convince her that she was seeing the situation all wrong.
I accused her of being over-sensitive when it came to the kids (which is a terrible thing to say to a mother).
I tried to turn it into an issue of “perceptions” instead of addressing the actual concerns she had.
I tried to point out inconsistencies I saw in her reasoning (diversionary tactics).

And two hours later we sat on opposite ends of the bed looking at each other…

distant,

disunified,

discouraged,

and stuck.

And it was all because of my defensiveness.

Defensiveness is as old as time and a very natural human reaction

Defensiveness was the first reaction Adam had when God asked him about what had gone wrong in the garden (Genesis 3:12).

It was Cain’s first response when asked about his “missing brother” (Genesis 4:9).

The Proverbs warn about defensiveness (Proverbs 28:26).

It’s almost as old as time, and seems to be one of Satan’s favorite tools.

And it’s been my most common reaction to criticism I’ve received from my wife, for almost 24 years of marriage.

And I hate it.

Defensiveness has been a pain in the side of my marriage for a very long time.

I don’t think my wife has a defensive bone in her body.

The problem with defensiveness in our marriage is and always has been with me.

Any time she talks to me about:

How I relate to people,
How I’m meeting/not meeting her needs,
How I’m relating to the children,
How my tone of voice and body language impacts people,
Something I wrote on this blog,
Something I recorded on the podcast,

I almost immediately get defensive.

And it’s a very shameful, destructive, unbecoming thing that will destroy my family… unless I do something about it.

What defensiveness does…

It stops healthy communication almost immediately,
It causes my wife and kids to become fearful of how I’m going to respond,
It camoflages my insecurities behind inappropriate self-defined labels,
It throws the unity my marriage relationship into a tailspin, which is not always easy to recover from,
It blocks me from much-needed changes I need to make, in attitude and behavior,
It puts a distance between me and my kids… which is the opposite of what I really want,
It frustrates my wife to no end.

Does any of that sound familiar?

Overcoming defensiveness

I’m on the very front-end of this journey into killing defensiveness.

But the marriage-long struggle has forced me to take a long, introspective look into my own soul so that the destructive cycle of defensiveness doesn’t continue to knock us for a loop.

I have discovered a few things that are beginning to make a difference.

#1: Admit that my initial response is often defensive – Like any other wrong that needs to be righted, if I can’t admit it exists, I’m unable to do anything about it.

#2: Admit that my defensiveness is destructive, and sinful – This is calling it what it is… seeing it from God’s perspective. When I can admit what HE thinks about it, then I’m in a place where true grief over my sin can begin to do it’s very good work (2 Corinthians 7:10).

#3: Get humble – Defensiveness is ultimately born out of pride, so the antidote is not to try harder or make resolutions (not yet, anyway). The cure is in humility, Christ-like humility (Philippians 2:3-5). It’s only then that I have any hope of receiving God’s help (James 4:6).

#4: Plead for God’s help – I can’t change my defensiveness all on my own. I know, I’ve tried. If change for the better is going to happen, I am going to have to have His help to accomplish it.

#5: Make a plan in keeping with my repentance & put it to work – Jesus told the Pharisees to prove their genuineness by doing actions that were consistent with their words (Matthew 3:8). It’s not enough for me to say “sorry” and move on. Something has to change, or else I’m not truly repentant.

And this is the danger-spot…

I could move ahead full steam, full of great intentions, devoid of any power but my own… which won’t get me very far.

I will have to abide in Him (John 15:5) and rely on His strength to help me overcome the destructive response-habits of defensiveness that I’ve built… because they are:

very deeply rooted,
almost invisible to me,
things that come naturally (no matter how wrong),
comfortable, and therefore seem “right,”

and are therefore impossible for me to find, attack, and destroy on my own.

I know, because I’ve tried to do that for the past 24 years… and the defensiveness is still here, bringing devastation every time it arises.

I’m trusting the LORD to help me kill defensiveness in my own soul.

Will you join me? Let me know how this post speaks to you and what plans you’re making to kill it – use the comments below…

Categories : Marriage, Parenting

Tags : Christian marriage, communication, defensive, defensiveness, marriage, overcoming defensiveness

Podcast 30: Man and woman: God’s relational masterpiece

Posted by Carey

· Wednesday, April 3rd, 2013

Man and woman: God’s relational masterpiece – podcast episode 30

Today’s Speaker:

Carey Green teaching on marriage first

Carey Green

SUMMARY OF TODAY’S PODCAST
Man and Woman: God’s relational masterpiece

(Hear part 1- of this series)

There’s a ton of tension that surrounds the issue of equality of the sexes. But if we can stop and get our biblical bearings, the tension doesn’t have to have a large impact on our lives. In this edition of the podcast I take you back to the very beginning, to look at what God did when He put the human race on the planet. The pattern created by the architect of humanity makes complete and total sense, and expresses His creativity and genius, as well as our value and importance. He made man and woman – and put them together to form a relational masterpiece that has never been improved upon… and He created it for our good and His glory.

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Or if you are using a “podcatcher” here is the feed address: https://christianhomeandfamily.com/feed/podcast/

Links & Resources mentioned in this podcast:

My Compass Weekend for Young Men
The Flippen Group

** These resources are “affiliate” links

NEXT EPISODE: April 10, 2013 – Podcast 31 – A Christian work-life balance w/ General Robert VanAntwerp

Also, the “resources” music track is from the www.musicrevoluation.com site.

SUBSCRIBE TO THE CHRISTIAN HOME AND FAMILY PODCAST

Or if you are using a “podcatcher” here is the feed address: https://christianhomeandfamily.com/feed/podcast/

LEAVE FEEDBACK AND A REVIEW ON I-TUNES

What are your thoughts about the relational masterpiece God has made?

Categories : Marriage, Podcast

Tags : Christian marriage, complementarian, egalitarian, man and woman

beyond ordinary interview with Justin and Trisha Davis

Podcast 29: Beyond ordinary marriage – a conversation with Justin and Trisha Davis

Posted by Carey

· Wednesday, March 27th, 2013

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Or if you are using a “podcatcher” here is the feed address: https://christianhomeandfamily.com/feed/podcast/

Today’s Guests:

Justin & Trisha Davis

SUMMARY OF TODAY’S PODCAST
Beyond Ordinary Marriage – a conversation with Justin & Trisha Davis

God still does miracles. In this episode we get to hear the story of God’s healing and redemption in the marriage of Justin and Trisha Davis. After 10 years of marriage struggle, 3 sons, and infidelity, they hit rock bottom – which is where the LORD began to do His amazing work! The lessons and wisdom God has brought to the Davis’ lives is wonderful to hear – a great testimony to His glory. They are the authors of the new book “Beyond Ordinary” which tells their story in a disarmingly honest way. You won’t be sorry you read it.

Links & Resources mentioned in this podcast:

My Compass Weekend for Young Men
“Beyond Ordinary“** by Justin and Trisha Davis
Justin and Trisha’s website ministry – www.refineus.org

** These resources are “affiliate” links

NEXT EPISODE: April 3, 2013 – Podcast 30 – God’s good creation of male and female

Also, the “resources” music track is from the www.musicrevoluation.com site.

SUBSCRIBE TO THE CHRISTIAN HOME AND FAMILY PODCAST

Or if you are using a “podcatcher” here is the feed address: https://christianhomeandfamily.com/feed/podcast/

LEAVE FEEDBACK AND A REVIEW ON I-TUNES

What are your thoughts about God’s purposes for male and female?

Categories : Marriage, Podcast

Tags : adultery, affair proof, Christian marriage, healing from infidelity, infidelity

You reap what you sow… in life, and in the family

Posted by Carey

· Monday, March 25th, 2013

You’ve probably heard the saying… “You reap what you sow…”

In modern language we’d say, “You harvest what you plant.”

If you plant corn, you will harvest corn. If you plant onions, you will harvest onions.

It’s a law of nature… and like many “laws,” God has made this one to apply in other realms as well.

The phrase was first spoken by the Apostle Paul… he wrote it in his letter to the Galatians, chapter 6, verse 7…

Do not be deceived: God is not mocked, for whatever one sows, that will he also reap.

As I grew up, it was used as a cattle prod, to keep us rowdy young children’s churchsters in line.

My young ears heard, “If you do bad stuff, bad stuff will happen to you.”

Well, isn’t it true?

As far as I can tell, it IS true… but it’s only HALF the point Paul was trying to make.

Read the next few verses…

For the one who sows to his own flesh will from the flesh reap corruption, but the one who sows to the Spirit will from the Spirit reap eternal life. And let us not grow weary of doing good, for in due season we will reap, if we do not give up.

You reap what you sow… in both directions…

So it is true that bad actions lead to bad results, but Paul is also seeking to motivate right action… He calls it sowing “to the Spirit.”

That means that good actions, done in the will and power of the Holy Spirit, produce good results…

That goes for life in general – areas like your work, your recreation, your friendship, and your family.

All of those and a hundred others are contexts where you will reap what you sow.

Consider the “positive” side of what Paul is saying…

If you plant diligence, you will reap fruit that corresponds to that hard work.
If you plant seeds of encouragement, your harvest will be of a similar nature.
If you plant faithfulness, joy, hope, and love… the outcome could be beyond what you can imagine.

How does the principle of sowing and reaping apply to…

Your marriage?

Are you investing quality time in your relationship with your spouse? If not, what do you suppose you’re going to reap?
Do you have and express a faithful commitment to your partner? If not, what kind of harvest is going to come of it?
Can you think of healthy, positive, godly things you can begin planting into your relationship? What sort of harvest has God promised will come of it if you do?

Your parenting?

What kind of words are you planting in the lives of your children? Encouragement? Pessimism? Hopefulness? Criticism? What are the harvests that correspond to what you’re planting?
How are you equipping your children to live in the world? What kind of example are you setting? Those are ways that you are planting “seeds” in their lives. What type of harvest will come of it?
Are you carrying out the command of Deuteronomy 6: 4-5 in the lives of your children? What are the outcomes you should expect as a result?

The atmosphere of your home?

Is your home a place of peace or a place of strife? Both are sowing seeds in your household. Take time to consider what’s going to come of each.
Is your home characterized by faith in God or worry about circumstances? What sort of harvest is reaped from each?

Do you see how important this principle of sowing and reaping can be?

What are you going to DO, in the power of the Spirit, to make a change?

Notice that I asked what you're going to do "in the power of the Spirit."

You can't do this on your own.

God doesn't want you to reform yourself. He wants to transform you through His Spirit.

CALL TO ACTION:

Identify areas where you need to begin planting seeds (encouragement, faith, godly conversation, etc.)
Prayerfully seek God's help in planning a way to begin planting.
Step out in faith (believing that God will empower you), and start planting.

You'll be amazed what obedient actions, accompanied by faith can do.

Leave a testimony of what God has done through you as you've stepped out in faith to plant positive seeds in your home!

Categories : Marriage, Parenting

Tags : Christian marriage, Christian parenting, reap what you sow

Podcast 19: New Year, New life: Building a healthy marriage

Posted by Carey

· Wednesday, January 16th, 2013

Building a healthy marriage – Podcast 19 (New Year: New Life)

Continuing from last week’s episode, today we are going to look at the next essential building block in creating a Christ-centered home that is able to produce a legacy of faith that lasts for generations. That building block is a healthy, Christ-exalting marriage.

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Or if you are using a “podcatcher” here is the feed address: https://christianhomeandfamily.com/feed/podcast/

Today’s Presenter:

Carey Green
Founder & Host
ChristianHomeandFamily

SUMMARY OF TODAY’S PODCAST

the “Marriage Triangle” mentioned in this episode (click for a larger view)

Building a healthy marriage takes diligence and effort in many different areas… and it’s built on the foundation of the strong spiritual walk each of the partners has with the LORD. In this episode I narrow the broad focus of marriage health into 3 specific areas that I’ve come to see as vital to the process of establishing health in your marriage relationship. Those 3 areas are 1) Spiritual strength 2) A maintenance mindset, and 3) Communication. In each area I give you some tips and tricks to help you take strides toward a healthier marriage relationship.

In the episode I also mention a diagram that illustrates the importance of husband and wife each having their own intimate relationship with the LORD, and how it brings them closer to each other in the process. You can see that illustration to the right.

The definition of “Communication” as shared in the podcast:

Finally, I gave a definition of good communication, and outlined what goes into it by highlighting 4 key areas. Here’s the quote, with the 4 key areas in bold…

a PROCESS of sharing information (facts, thoughts, opinions, emotions) in a verbal or non-verbal way that includes TALKING and LISTENING, resulting in UNDERSTANDING.

Links & Resources mentioned in this podcast:

Covenant Eyes (affiliate link*)
My speaking services
My counseling services
Free Marriage Booklets from Focus on the Family.
My new spiritual growth curriculum for individuals or groups – NEW LIFE IS NO JOKE
My new couple’s marriage devotional – in 3 formats – THE MARRIAGE IMPROVEMENT PROJECT
You are invited to prayerfully consider partnering with Christian Home and Family.

* These resources are affiliate links – you pay the same price, but part of your purchase goes to support the ministry of Christian Home and Family. Thanks!

A couple of brief reminders:

I’d love to do some future episodes that are “Q & A” in nature, regarding anything related to living as a Christian family. Please submit YOUR questions to me in the comments below or in any of these ways.
Christian Home and Family is supported by generous donors like you. If you’d like to know more about how you can partner with me in this vital mission, see my partner page.
I am available for SPEAKING engagement at your next retreat, conference, or seminar series. Check out my speaking page to find out more.

NEXT EPISODE: January 23, 2013 – Podcast 19 – Wisdom for Christian parents

Also, the “resources” music track is from the www.musicrevoluation.com site.

SUBSCRIBE TO THE CHRISTIAN HOME AND FAMILY PODCAST

Or if you are using a “podcatcher” here is the feed address: https://christianhomeandfamily.com/feed/podcast/

LEAVE FEEDBACK AND A REVIEW ON I-TUNES

Leave your thoughts and comments about your spiritual commitments below!

Categories : Marriage, Podcast

Tags : Christian marriage, healthy marriage, marriage coaching, marriage counseling, marriage help

emotional health by cleaning the emotinal slate regularly

Healthy relationships = erasing the relational slate regularly

Posted by Carey

· Friday, December 7th, 2012

The purpose in a man’s heart is like deep water, but a man of understanding will draw it out. – Proverbs 20:13

Healthy relationships = erasing the relational slate regularly. What does that mean?

I can explain it best by telling you how it happens in my house – and my wife is the pro at it. She introduced me to the idea, and is the one who helps me remember to do it to this day.

HERE’S HOW IT LOOKS:

Pretty regularly, Mindi has intentional, personal conversations with the members of our family, where she asks some or all of the following questions:

How are you feeling about our relationship?
Have I done anything lately that has made you feel (pick one) – hurt? – frustrated? – angry? – like I am upset with you? – that I don’t approve of you? – that I don’t love you?
Have you been feeling any sense of condemnation from me lately?
How can I act toward you that will make you feel more loved?
How can I pray for you?

Once she’s asked the questions, she really listens for the answers. If there is something she was unaware of for which she needs to apologize… she apologizes. If she discovers a misunderstanding about something she has said or done, she works to clarify it. No matter what she hears, she always works to reassure the person she’s speaking with, of her love for them.

[dropshadowbox align=”right” effect=”lifted-both” width=”250px” height=”” background_color=”#f5e71e” border_width=”1″ border_color=”#dddddd” ]Healthy relationships = erasing the relational slate regularly. – TWEET THIS[/dropshadowbox]

Do you get the idea?

When you truly care about the people in your home, those are the kinds of things you need to be asking.

Why? Because the answers you receive will tell you how you can love them better.

It takes humility and true concern for your family members if you are going to ask questions like these.

But it has to be done.

Conversations like this enable you to clean slate, getting to a place where healthy relationships can thrive.

Nothing is hidden.

Nothing is unknown.

You are honest with each other and able to respond in love to the true needs your loved ones have.

Healthy relationships to target in your home

Spouse
Kids (if they can talk… you can ask some version of these questions)
Parents

The answer you receive will serve your relationships and family well, if you are humble enough to respond well.

CALL TO ACTION:

CHOOSE a “target” loved one.
MAKE your own list of questions (steal some of mine if you want).
DECIDE WHEN you are going to have the conversation.
ASK the questions.
APOLOGIZE where needed.
REASSURE them of the truth where needed.

Have you ever had this kind of conversation with your loved ones? Do you mind sharing your story?

Categories : Marriage, Parenting

Tags : Christian marriage, Christian parenting, emotional health, good communication, healthy emotions, healthy relationships, relationship advice

Podcast 13: The Marriage First Principle – How to make your marriage matter

Posted by Carey

· Wednesday, November 28th, 2012

Podcast 13: The Marriage First Principle – How to make your marriage matter

SUBSCRIBE TO THE CHRISTIAN HOME AND FAMILY PODCAST

Today’s presenter:

Carey Green

founder, Christian Home and Family

I am available for SPEAKING on this and other topics.

SUMMARY OF TODAY’S PODCAST

The busy-ness and stress of life can make even the most important things fade to the background. Your marriage can be one of those things. In this episode Carey will teach from Genesis 1:27 regarding “The Marriage First Principle” – a foundational truth about marriage. Understanding this truth will help you build the solid ground under your marriage that you need in order to build a home that is centered around Christ. At the end, Carey will give some counsel to couples who have not done such a good job at making their marriage first in their lives, and offers some hope and help.

Links & Resources mentioned in this podcast:

Covenant Eyes (affiliate link*)
Book contest – www.ChristianHomeandFamily.com/win
My upcoming episode of the podcast using YOUR Christmas traditions! – Submit yours
Marriage Today with Jimmy and Karen Evans
The Marriage Improvement Project – the couple’s devotional book resource that today’s teaching was taken from.

* These resources are affiliate links – you pay the same price, but part of your purchase goes to support the ministry of Christian Home and Family. Thanks!

A couple of brief reminders:

My Book giveaway is still going on, you can find out how to enter at www.ChristianhomeandFamily.com/win
I’d love to do some future episodes that are “Q & A” in nature, regarding anything related to living as a Christian family. Please submit YOUR questions to me in the comments below or in any of these ways.
Christian Home and Family is supported by generous donors like you. If you’d like to know more about how you can partner with me in this vital mission, see my partner page.
I am available for SPEAKING engagement at your next retreat, conference, or seminar series. Check out my speaking page to find out more.

NEXT EPISODE: Podcast 14 – Practical tools for applying Deuteronomy 6:4-9

The music track used in the Christian Home and Family Podcast is entitled, “Midian” and is from Adam Rey’s instrumental album Meat & Potatoes – Adam has generously given me permission to use his music, so please, support his generosity by checking out and purchasing his music at www.heyreyguitar.com – (no affiliate relationship, Adam’s just my friend.)

SUBSCRIBE TO THE CHRISTIAN HOME AND FAMILY PODCAST

LEAVE FEEDBACK AND A REVIEW ON I-TUNES

Categories : Marriage, Podcast

Tags : Christian family, Christian marriage, marriage counseling, marriage first, marriage help, priority of marriage

The Marriage Improvement Project – Couple’s Devotional NOW ON KINDLE!

Posted by Carey

· Monday, November 26th, 2012

My Couple’s Devotional Book, the Marriage Improvement Project is now available on the Amazon Kindle Store!

My Marriage Devotional Study, the Marriage Improvement Project, is now available in the Kindle Ebook format on the Kindle Store!

You can find out more about the Marriage Improvement Project HERE or click on the icons below to purchase a copy now!

It would make a very thoughtful and potentially life-changing gift for a special Christian couple in your life! Help me spread the word about this valuable resource!

Your purchase helps to support the ongoing work of Christian Home and Family.

If you would like to become a partner with Christian Home and Family, you can do so on a monthly or one-time basis – and help me make an eternal, Christ-centered difference in the lives of

families all over the globe!

Marriage Improvement Project Kindle Book

Paperback copy
Kindle Version!

[dropshadowbox align=”center” effect=”lifted-both” width=”450px” height=”” background_color=”#f8f611″ border_width=”1″ border_color=”#dddddd” ]The Marriage Improvement Project is now available for Kindle – ONLY $2.99! TWEET THIS[/dropshadowbox]The Marriage Improvement Project is now available on Kindle – $2.99!

Categories : General Announcements, Marriage

Tags : Christian marriage, couple's devotional, marriage devotional, marriage help, Marriage Improvement Project, marriage tips, save my marriage

The Cleaving Principle for Marriage Health

Posted by Carey

· Monday, November 26th, 2012

Men: Make your marriage healthier by applying the Cleaving Principle

Today I’d like to look at a passage from Genesis chapter 2 – verse 24. After telling the account of how God made Eve from Adam’s side, Moses says…

Therefore a man shall leave his father and his mother and hold fast to his wife, and they shall become one flesh.

The King James version words this a bit differently. Instead of saying that a man is to “hold fast” to his wife, the KJV says a man is to “cleave to his wife.”

This post is an excerpt from my book, “The Marriage Improvement Project“ – it’s a couple’s devotional with daily discussion questions to help you improve your marriage together!

Paperback copy
Kindle Version

No, it has nothing to do with a meat cleaver…

Here is the dictionary definition:

CLEAVE – to catch by pursuit: – follow close (hard after), be joined (together), keep (fast), overtake, pursue hard.

The word clearly implies a chase or a pursuit – a seeking after. It reminds us of those long gone days of courtship.

Typically, it is the man who begins pursuing a young woman, showing off, trying to woo her, seeking to impress her. He does extra, special things for her (flowers, gifts, special notes or poems), and he might even give up some of his most treasured hobbies and things just to spend time with her or be near her. That is exactly the idea of the word “cleave.”

Ladies, can you recall those days?

What did it do to you to know that the guy you were interested in was seeking after you?
It was flattering to know that he was interested in you, wasn’t it?
When your growing intimacy and the passing of time came together on the day that he finally proposed, your hopes were realized!
He really did want you!
In many ways, it was his consistency that paid off!

Sadly, for many couples that’s about as long as it lasts.

It’s not uncommon for men stop chasing their wives shortly after they are married. It is as if once they “have” them, the excitement of the pursuit is gone. They lose sight of the beauty, caring heart, and loveliness of their bride that attracted them in the first place.

But there is no hint in this passage that the man is to ever stop pursuing his wife.

He doesn’t finish, get it done, or ever fully accomplish the task. This ongoing pursuit is what I’m referring to as the Cleaving Principle.

Today I want to highlight one main point the Cleaving Principle teaches:

1. The marriage relationship requires ongoing, intentional pursuit of the woman, by the man.

God’s instruction to the man to pursue the woman means that there is something in the pursuit, something that it communicates, that the woman needs to know.

When a man pursues his wife consistently, day after day, year after year, she knows in a very special way that he still loves her, still delights in her, and still wants to be with her above all others.

When he fails to do so, she may start to believe that he doesn’t care about her, isn’t interested in her life, and might even prefer someone else.

[dropshadowbox align=”right” effect=”lifted-both” width=”250px” height=”” background_color=”#faf533″ border_width=”1″ border_color=”#dddddd” ]It’s not uncommon for men to stop chasing their wives shortly after they marry – prevent it in your marriage TWEET THIS[/dropshadowbox]Those kinds of doubts become a slow-poison to the relationship… and husbands are responsible to see to it that they are never injected into the marriage relationship in the first place!

Husbands, you need to develop (or re-kindle) a heart that consistently pursues your wife.

Here are some ways of looking at this aspect of the Cleaving Principle that may be helpful…

Men tend to work at the relationship until it seems to be “in the bag” – then they get comfortable and take it for granted. But men, the relationship you have with your wife needs constant and continual attention and pursuit.
Husbands, your wife not only desires for you to want her or to value her…she needs it. It is vital that she knows without a doubt that you want her, need her, respect her, and care about her. Doing this nourishes the deepest part of who she is as a woman. God made her to need those things and He made you to provide them!
Remember that these types of needs are ones you agreed to meet when you married (remember those wedding vows?). With that in mind, it becomes an issue of being a man of your word. The same “desire” you had then, is to be stoked and kept alive throughout your married life. Getting married was the first of many steps of consistent pursuit…

It is your job, as the husband to “win her” again, and again, and again…

Men, why DON’T you continue to pursue your wife?

Women, tell me what it would do for you if your husband DID continue to pursue you?

Categories : Marriage

Tags : Christian marriage, cleaving, leave and cleave, marriage health, marriage help, marriage tips, the cleaving principle

How to become the spiritual leader in the home

Posted by Carey

· Friday, November 2nd, 2012

Want to become spiritual leader in the home? Start here…

(DISCLAIMER: This post is unashamedly “complementarian” If that bothers you, turn back now.)

Many Christian men marry with the best of intentions. They truly desire and intend to love and lead their wives well, and raise a family that honors Christ and advances His kingdom.

But when the honeymoon is over reality sets in… and they realize they don’t know BEANS about being a spiritual leader in the home

I know, because I was there.

I recall my wife encouraging me to be the spiritual leader in the home, to take the initiative… and I remember Pastors and authors telling me I needed to as well.

Problem was, I didn’t know step #1 about how to pull it off.

But the LORD has been faithful[dropshadowbox align=”right” effect=”perspective-right” width=”260px” height=”” background_color=”#fdf173″ border_width=”1″ border_color=”#dddddd” inside_shadow=”false” ]If U feel frustration of wanting to B spiritual leader of UR home, but don’t know where to start, this post is 4 you

CLICK TO TWEET THIS[/dropshadowbox]

Through the help of a very patient and wise wife, a ton of reading, and much trial and error, He has taught me how to move more successfully into that role.

If you feel the frustration of wanting to be the spiritual leader in your home, but don’t know where to start – this post is for you.

How to become the spiritual leader in the home

As with all things related to spiritual growth, there is no magic formula, no mantra-like prayer you can pray, and no “5 easy steps” that will transform you into Mr. Godly P. Wonderful.

But there are some truths you can learn and some principles you can apply that will start you down the road of spiritual leadership in the home.

#1 – Understand the reality of your responsibility.

The scriptures are pretty clear, no matter how creative and clever you try to be in avoiding it…[dropshadowbox align=”center” effect=”lifted-both” width=”550px” height=”” background_color=”#ffffff” border_width=”1″ border_color=”#dddddd” ]But I want you to understand that the head of every man is Christ, the head of a wife is her husband, and the head of Christ is God.

first Corinthians chapter 11, verse 3[/dropshadowbox]

[dropshadowbox align=”center” effect=”lifted-both” width=”550px” height=”” background_color=”#ffffff” border_width=”1″ border_color=”#dddddd” ]For the husband is the head of the wife even as Christ is the head of the church, his body, and is himself its Savior.

Ephesians chapter 5, verse 23[/dropshadowbox]

The husband is intended by God to lead his wife, and by implication, his entire family.

That means you, married man, are responsible before God TO lead your wife and family.

It’s a duty. A responsibility. A weight on your shoulders.

It’s like your job, only 1000 times more vital.

YOU ARE THE MAN!

…Let the reality of that sink in.

#2 – Understand your inability to carry out your responsibility.

Yes, you read that sentence correctly.

God has given you a job that you are unable to carry out.

That’s what the gospel is all about… to help the helpless and give hope to the hopeless.

You can be the spiritual leader in your home because the LORD is your helper. Isn’t that good news?

Learn to lean on the LORD as you begin learning how to be the spiritual leader in the home, He will guide you in the way you should go.

#3 – Ask God to fill your heart with a burning passion to lead your family well.

This one is very closely related to the previous point, but it is important enough to warrant its own emphasis.

Too many Christians think it is their job to work up the desire to do what God expects them to do. But it only makes sense that if we are unable to carry out our God-given responsibilities without His help, then it’s likely that we won’t be able to conjure up the desire to do them either.

Read the psalms carefully and you’ll see a bunch of guys who don’t feel like they have the desire to do what is right, but who desperately want to have it.

So what do they do? They ask God to give them the desires they know they should have.

[dropshadowbox align=”center” effect=”lifted-both” width=”550px” height=”” background_color=”#ffffff” border_width=”1″ border_color=”#dddddd” ]Create in me a clean heart, O God, and renew a right spirit within me.

Psalm chapter 51, verse 10[/dropshadowbox]

[dropshadowbox align=”center” effect=”lifted-both” width=”550px” height=”” background_color=”#ffffff” border_width=”1″ border_color=”#dddddd” ]…give me understanding that I may learn your commandments.

Psalm chapter 119, verse 73[/dropshadowbox]

[dropshadowbox align=”center” effect=”lifted-both” width=”550px” height=”” background_color=”#ffffff” border_width=”1″ border_color=”#dddddd” ]Incline my heart to your testimonies, and not to selfish gain!

Psalm chapter 119, verse 36

[/dropshadowbox]

Ask God for His help, even when it comes to having the desires you know you should have.

I often pray “gimme” prayers…

LORD, give me a deeper love for my family… a stronger desire to lead them… a greater eagerness to be an example for them, etc.

Those are prayers He delights to answer!

#4 – Start taking spiritual initiative in small steps

This may be the hardest part, but it’s where your faith (expressed in all the prayers you’ve prayed up to this point) is demonstrated in action. In the LORD’s strength you have to step over the awkwardness, doubt, fear, lack of role model, and anything else that stands in your way. Begin to do simple, yet powerful things…

Ask your wife how you could pray for her (and don’t forget to do it).

Read a short passage from the Bible at dinner time (or ask someone in the family to do it).

Read Bible stories to the children before bed.

Pray with your children as you tuck them in.

Ask your wife to pray with you (at the beginning of the day, end of the day, bedtime, before a trip, as you leave for work, etc.)

These simple actions carry a great deal of weight, simply because you initiate them.

That’s what leaders do… they initiate what needs to be done.

They don’t have to be perfect at it.

They don’t have to know exactly how to carry it out.

They just have to get the ball rolling.

You can do this!

If God has made you a husband, He’s made you to lead your family spiritually.[dropshadowbox align=”right” effect=”perspective-right” width=”260px” height=”” background_color=”#fdf173″ border_width=”1″ border_color=”#dddddd” inside_shadow=”false” ]If God has made you a husband, He’s made you to lead your family spiritually

CLICK TO TWEET THIS[/dropshadowbox]

That means He’s going to provide you everything you need to do the job.

Begin praying daily that the LORD will give you insight so that you can:

Understand your responsibility, and
Understand your inability to carry out your responsibility

Then ask Him to:

Fill your heart with a burning passion to lead your family well
and give you strength to take small steps in leading your family spiritually

What does spiritual leadership look like in your home? Share your ideas…

Categories : Marriage

Tags : Christian marriage, headship in the home, spiritual headship, spiritual leader in the home, spiritual leadership

Christian parents – Deuteronomy 6 tells you how to parent

Posted by Carey

· Wednesday, October 31st, 2012

How to parent according to Deuteronomy 6

In this post I’m going to point out the most important thing about parenting that the Bible has to say…

TALK ABOUT GOD’S WORD WITH YOUR KIDS – INCESSANTLY

That may sound a bit “over the top” but it’s very obviously what the scriptures teach. Read it for yourself…

Hear, O Israel: The LORD our God, the LORD is one. You shall love the LORD your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your might. And these words that I command you today shall be on your heart. You shall teach them diligently to your children, and shall talk of them when you sit in your house, and when you walk by the way, and when you lie down, and when you rise. You shall bind them as a sign on your hand, and they shall be as frontlets between your eyes. You shall write them on the doorpo

Christian parents - how to parent from the scriptures

sts of your house and on your gates.

Notice a few very important things about the SEQUENCE of this passage…

A proper honor/respect of God, AS GOD must come first in YOUR heart (the parent).
YOU, the PARENT must FIRST love the LORD with all you are.
The Word of God must first be on YOUR heart, as the parent.
THEN AND ONLY THEN, will you be able to teach them to your children effectively.

Let’s walk through those… one at a time:

Respect of God, AS God

You need to know and honor God for who He is. You, the parent. You need to do that.

The world will try to foist all kinds of ideas about God on your kids. 99.9% of them will be wrong. Your knowledge and honor of God are the main corrective to those lies.

As their parent, you need to be able to set the record straight – tell them the truth – and do so out of a heart of deep, earnest conviction.

Love God with all YOU are

This one is really quite simple. If you don’t love God, why would you expect your kids to?

If you don’t love God, why would you expect your kids to?

CLICK TO TWEET THIS

I’ve beat this drum before, and it won’t be the last time.

It takes diligence and hard work. It takes intentional pursuit of the LORD, day after day.

But it is SO worth it. For you. For your kids.

The Word of God must first be on your heart

Do you see a pattern here? The role of the parent is one of example as much as it is one of guide.

Nobody likes a “do what I say, not what I do” example. We all want to see it, in the flesh, lived out for us to believe and be inspired by.

Your kids are EXACTLY like that.

They need (and want) to see YOU loving the word of God, reading the word of God, memorizing the word of God.

Then they will believe you when you say it’s important.

Then you should teach the word of God to your children

The examples given in the passage are “Old-testament” examples… things that fit the day in which the passage was written.

For us it could easily read, “Talk about God’s word with your kids around the dinner table, in the car, when you tuck your kids in, and when they wake up. Put God’s word all around you, on the walls of your home, make it unavoidable.”

There are many, many helpful resources available for families today…. to help you saturate your household with God’s word.

How to parent…

BE a godly example
TEACH your kids to follow your example

What ways have you discovered to put these principles into practice?

(this post includes affiliate links)

Categories : Parenting

Tags : Christian family, Christian home, Christian marriage, Christian parenting

Teach your children well, but make sure you are actually teaching

Posted by Carey

· Friday, October 19th, 2012

To teach your children well it’s about more than correction

A few days back Mindi and I had a conversation about an interaction I had with our son Caleb while we were eating dinner. After 15 minutes of muddling through our differing perceptions of what had happened, I discovered that while trying to teach Caleb something, I didn’t truly instruct him at all. Here’s the scenario… (time warp back to the dinner table)

I had just said the “Amen” to our dinner time prayer, and food was being passed around the table. Caleb was sitting next to me. When I finished dishing rice onto my plate, I turned to hand it to Caleb.

He was busy buttering his bread. When I looked over to see what was going on, I saw him there, bread in one hand, knife with butter in the other, carefully applying it to his bread. I didn’t think he noticed that I was holding out the rice bowl to him (and it was beginning to get a bit heavy).

Here’s what went through my mind…

Caleb isn’t being very considerate here… his bread-buttering should wait so that he can take the heavy bowl.

So with that nano-second of reasoning I somewhat sternly said, “Caleb. Take the rice!” Honestly, I wasn’t irritated or trying to be selfish. I was genuinely intending to instruct my son about consideration.

He took the rice bowl and we went on with our dinner conversation.

To teach your children well, let God teach you

The LORD used my conversation with Mindi to help me realize that in my own head, I was wanting Caleb to learn something about consideration, but I never communicated a word of that to him.

For all I know, he could have been thinking,

“Man, Dad is sure stressed about a bowl of rice.”

Or worse,

“Dad is always so short and bossy. I feel like he’s always irritated with me.”

That leads me to the most important thing I realized…

When no explanation is given for a stern, short, or intense remark, the person hearing it will take it negatively 99.9% of the time.

When it comes to kids, it’s probably 100%.

And because I’m “Dad,” it makes me less approachable in their minds, because I’m unreasonable.

Some lessons learned

If I felt Caleb needed to learn something, it needed to be explained.
More communication would have been very helpful (see the next heading).
There was no need to be tense or short. He wasn’t intentionally ignoring me.
I have GOT to be more careful with my tone. The last thing I want is for my kids to feel I’m unapproachable.

The follow-up conversation

At Mindi’s suggestion (she’s always been a great help to me in this way) I went to talk with Caleb about the situation. He remembered it. I told him that I was feeling concerned at the time that he assess the situation and do what seemed most considerate. I didn’t expect the response I got. Here’s what he said…

I did think about what seemed best, and I thought that since I had a knife full of butter and bread already in my hand, it would be O.K. for me to get that finished. I figured you’d just set the bowl down on the table until I was able to take it.

I learned a couple of things in that conversation too:

His reasoning about the situation was just as good as mine.
He was assuming maturity in me, while I was not assuming the best about him.
It could be that I was the one being inconsiderate.

I want to make sure that I’m opening up my child’s heart instead of locking it down. That’s what good communication, and good instruction does. – Click to tweet this

I want to make sure that I’m opening up my child’s heart instead of locking it down. That’s what good communication, and good instruction does. That is how you can teach your children well!

Tell me what you struggle with in this area… is enough communication happening?

Categories : Parenting

Tags : Christian marriage, Christian parenting, communication with children, correction, discipline, family communication, instructing kids, parenting tips, teach your children well, teaching children

Make the right choice

Posted by Carey

· Friday, October 12th, 2012

You can’t do it all.

That’s the honest truth. As much as our world tells you you can, you can’t.

So here’s the question you and I have to answer…

Since I only have so much time, energy, and ability – what things will I CHOOSE to do with the time, energy, and abilities I do have?

I’m talking about your priorities.

What matters most to you? What is most important? What will last for eternity?

Those are the things you should be doing.

Make the right choice.

Categories : Soul Health

Tags : Christian life coaching, Christian life plan, Christian marriage, Christian parenting

Emotional health: When did you last do an “emotional inventory?”

Posted by Carey

· Wednesday, October 10th, 2012

How do you become emotionally healthy?

When is the last time you saw a kid throw a tantrum? It’s not a pretty sight.

But do you know what’s even uglier?

When adults do the same thing.

Ok, they don’t fall on the floor and roll around (typically), but they do other equally immature things…

The silent treatment.
Say “nothing” when asked what is bothering them.
Mope around the house and refuse to talk about it.
Say they are not upset while secretly sabotaging another person.
Gossip / slander.

See what I mean?

Taking charge of your emotional health

Emotionally healthy people don’t do the things listed above. Why? Because they stay on top of what is going on inside their own souls, and deal with what they find in a healthy (godly) way.

One way to approach that process is through periodically taking an emotional inventory. Just like you’d assess your bank account every so often (I hope), or check the oil level in your car (I hope), you need to check your emotional condition.

How do you go about doing one of these emotional inventories?

You ask yourself questions, a TON of questions… and you work hard to be honest with yourself.

Here’s a sample list of the type of questions you should be asking… and please know these are not all the questions you could ask…

Is there anything in my life that I am…

Depressed by?
Angry about?
Fearful of?
Frustrated with?
Discouraged about?

Joyful about?
Optimistic about?
Encouraged by?
Excited about?
Peaceful about

Emotional health only comes through truth

What do you do with the answers you discover? You take them to the LORD (through His word), and let the light of His truth shine on them.

In other words, you need the LORD to show you what is true about what you are feeling and what is not true.

That’s the only way you’ll be able to know how you should be thinking and acting.

Emotions rightly handled will bring great peace and contentment.
Emotions wrongly handled will wreck your life, and the lives of those you love.

Lean heavily on God’s truth…

Feeling unloved? – remember that nothing can separate you from God’s love – Romans 8:38-39
Feeling condemned? – remind yourself that Christ has taken away all your condemnation – Romans 8:1
Feeling hopeless? – trust God to work all things for your good – Romans 8:28

Learn to use the truth of scripture to bring your unruly emotions into line… It won’t be easy, but it will be worth it.

Help your children be emotionally healthy too

A tantrum is evidence that kids don’t know how to handle emotions either. Too often parents don’t know what to do with a tantrum, or an emotional outburst… and so they do nothing.

Don’t do your kids such a disservice. Help them unpack what they are feeling. As their parent, it’s your job.

Talk with them about their emotions… sometimes multiple choice questions prove helpful.

“Johnny, what are you feeling? Is it…

Anger?
Frustration?
Fear?
Embarrassment?

Then teach them what to do with the answers they discover (sound familiar?). Teach them God’s truth about what they are feeling… just like you have to teach it to yourself.

Speak it, talk about it, explain it. Read the Bible with them. Your kids need the truth of the scriptures to illuminate their lives just like you do.

Some helpful resources for teaching your kids scripture…

Family Time Training
When You Rise (watch for an upcoming podcast episode relating to this website)
Impress your Kids
Seeds Family Worship – see a video of some of their music here – find their CDs here

What do you think about doing periodic “emotional inventories” for the sake of your emotional health?

What will you do to help your kids with their emotions?

Categories : Parenting, Soul Health

Tags : Christian marriage, Christian parenting, emotional health, god's truth

the mission of christian home and family

What is the purpose of your life? – If you’re a parent… here’s part of the answer.

Posted by Carey

· Wednesday, October 3rd, 2012

What is the purpose of your life?

Seriously, I want to know. But more importantly, I want YOU to know.

Too many of us float through life… and that’s NOT a good plan. Take this quick self-assessment… do you…

Feel like circumstances are determining your course of life?
Live day to day without much of a plan for what YOU are all about?
Feeling directionless?

If you answered “YES” to any or all of these, you are probably floating through life. I know because I did it for quite a while myself. If it weren’t for the LORD graciously giving me a wife who wouldn’t settle for it, I’d still be there. Maybe I can serve you in the same way she served me… by giving you a push in a more purposeful direction.

Nothing special about me

I’m no different than you. I wasn’t born knowing why I am here. I’ve struggled to answer the question for myself. But there are some very simple, easy-to-understand facts that the LORD has shown me over the years that have stoked my eagerness to find the purpose of my life. I’ll list them in a way that applies to you:

God makes no mistakes… and He put you on this planet.
God does not do random. That means you are here for a purpose – God’s purpose.
So it makes sense for you to spend some time figuring out His purpose for your life.

I can’t tell you God’s purpose for your life… at least not entirely. But I can tell you one thing I know for certain…

If you are a parent… part of God’s purpose for you is to be radically in love with Him, and to pass that faith along to your children.

Here’s the story of how God revealed that truth to me…

One of the only “words from the Lord” I’ve ever received

When Mindi and I first married, I knew that I wanted my life to matter for the sake of Jesus, but I didn’t know much about how to put that desire into action. But I had to do something, so I did. I pursued a youth ministry degree at Colorado Christian University. I graduated and immediately set about lo0king for a full time youth pastor gig. My assumption was that I’d settle down with my new bride, and that would be that. But God had another purpose for my life… and it had little to do with my career path. Through a series of painful disappointments I came to see that.

I’ll never forget the most difficult of those disappointments. I was in the final stages of interviewing with the very church where I’d served as part time Jr. High Director for 3 1/2 years. They were needing a full time Directory of Student Ministries and it was down to me and one other guy, a guy nobody in the church even knew. I was certain it was God’s plan for me to have the job. It seemed obvious.

I knew when the search team would be meeting for the final time to make their decision, and I was at home, eagerly awaiting their call that evening. I was with my wife, 2 1/2 year old son, and baby daughter. We were all eager to get the good news so that we could begin making plans.

Around 9:30 in the evening, the phone rang. It was the mother of one of my Jr. High students. She had served on the search team and was calling with the news. They chose the other guy.

I was devastated.

After the initial shock wore off, I left my wife crying in the living room as I went out for a walk in the dark. I didn’t understand why God would allow me to go through so many of these experiences (this was the 3rd situation where I was one of 2 final candidates). I was sure my heart was right, that I was pure in my motives, and yet this kept happening. How could the LORD do this?

I’m embarrassed to say it, but I threw a temper tantrum that night. Walking around the neighborhood I screamed and yelled – at God. My disappointment and pain were greater than I had ever experienced, and I didn’t know how to handle it. I don’t know how long it was before the chilly Colorado air began to numb my fingers, but that’s about when I ran out of steam and decided to head home. As I turned the corner toward our house, it happened. The LORD spoke to me – clearly – unmistakeably.

photo – tableatny on flickr

“It’s not about you. It’s about your son.”

Those words broke through my pain… and I clearly saw a reality I’d not seen before. As a Christian man, a Christian father, I bear an incredible weight of responsibility. I am the head of my home. On a very significant level I am responsible before God for the spiritual vitality of every person in my family. The purpose of my life is not about the job I have, or the car I drive, or the money in my bank account, or the success and praise I may achieve or receive. My purpose in life is to radically love and serve my Savior, and to establish a home where my children’s hearts are developed to do the same.

If you are a Christian parent, that’s your life’s purpose too (or at least part of it)

How can you increase your conviction about this mission in YOUR family?

How can I help you to be more successful at it?

Categories : Parenting

Tags : Christian marriage, Christian parenting, goals, marriage, mission, parenting, purpose of your life, tips, vision

Podcast 7: The Apostle Paul’s Prescription for Parenting

Posted by Carey

· Monday, October 1st, 2012

SUBSCRIBE TO THE CHRISTIAN HOME AND FAMILY PODCAST

EPISODE #7

The Apostle Paul’s Prescription for Parenting

Presenting the message:

CAREY GREEN
founder Christian Home and Family

SUMMARY OF TODAY’S PODCAST

A sermon presented at Community Church of Leadville, Colorado – the church where Carey serves as Pastor (as of this posting).

This message was presented as part of a Expository series of messages through the Epistle to the Ephesians. The series was entitled “IF/THEN” – referring to the reality that IF a person is a believer in Jesus Christ, THEN they have been transformed and certain changes should happen in the way they live. This message came in the “THEN” portion of the study, Ephesians 6:1-4. The message covers some of the New Testament teaching on roles and responsibilities of Christian children and their parents.

Chart from the message:

During this presentation I used a chart, illustrating the process by which parents relinquish control to their children over time. It’s on the right… click on it for the full-size version!

Links mentioned in this podcast:

Community Church of Leadville, CO
My contact page (to support Christian Home and Family through purchases you already make).

A brief reminder:

I’d love to do some future episodes that are “Q & A” in nature, regarding anything related to living as a Christian family. Please submit YOUR questions to me in any of these ways.

SUBSCRIBE TO THE CHRISTIAN HOME AND FAMILY PODCAST

Categories : Parenting, Podcast

Tags : children obey your parents, Christian marriage, Christian parenting, do not exasperate your children, do not provoke your children to anger, honor your father and mother

Communication in marriage – squeeze out the puss

Posted by Carey

· Friday, September 28th, 2012

Communication in marriage – squeeze out the puss

Sorry for the nasty title, but it comes directly from a story that happened to our oldest son, Aaron. And it connects very clearly to the issue of communication in marriage.

When Aaron was about 10 years old, he cut his finger somehow and we did our best to clean it out, disinfect it, and wrap it all up with a spider-man band aid. Then we went on with life. A week or so later he came to me complaining of some pain he was having in his armpit. I immediately thought he might be sick and his glands were swelling, so I checked. Sure enough, there was a gland under his arm that was larger than a walnut and hard as a rock. It was tender to the touch.

Exploring a bit more, I pressed on his upper arm and it was tender. I continued pressing down his arm.

Elbow? Tender.
Forearm? Tender.
Wrist? Tender.
Hand? Tender.
Finger? A week–old Spider–man band aid.

I removed the band aid and immediately found the problem. His finger had become infected. The cut was swollen, red, irritated, and very, very sore. We called a friend of ours who was a physicians assistant in the Army and told him everything we had discovered. In classic military style he said, “You’re gonna’ have to lance that baby and squeeze it dry. That infection has got to come out.”

So that’s what we did. It was difficult at first, very painful, and pretty gross. But within hours of doing so, Aaron’s armpit quit hurting and the tenderness in his arm vanished.

Is your marriage infected?

The comparison I’m making here is pretty simple. When conflicts, offenses, hurts, or injustices that happen between you and your spouse are not addressed (or are inadequately addressed), an infection begins in your marriage relationship.

I’ve seen it again and again and again as I’ve served couples in the marriage counseling setting. Over the years one or both of the marriage partners has tried to “let things go,” or “not make a big deal” about the hurts that have happened. That’s an admirable desire. But here is the truth of the matter:

When you’ve been hurt, the pain doesn’t let go of you – unless you deal with it appropriately

Once the infection of a hurt has begun, it begins to swell over time. The next hurt you receive from your spouse adds to that first one. Over time the pressure builds and it becomes a sore spot. You become sensitive, touchy, and a tension begins to mount between the two of you.

Eventually, you may blow up over some seemingly small thing and not even know why. In time, you may find yourself d – o – n – e – DONE with your marriage, and not even be able to explain why. All you know is that you hurt inside… and have for as long as you can remember. And you’re tired of hurting. You just want the pain to stop.

That’s what happens when you don’t deal appropriately with the hurts as they happen. They build up, just like the puss in Aaron’s cut.

Good communication in marriage requires this, and nothing less.

Squeeze out the puss – through good communication in marriage

If you’ve never been good at communication in marriage, you no doubt have some very, very sore spots in your marriage relationship. Do you see that each hurt has piled one on top of the other until it’s such a festering mess that it flares up with every new offense? What do you do about years of unresolved or unaddressed hurts and offenses?

In the words of my friend, “”You’re gonna’ have to lance that baby and squeeze it dry. That infection has got to come out.” That means you’ve got to go back, with the help of the Holy Spirit, and unpack and resolve each offense He brings to mind. It sounds overwhelming, and it is… if you try to do it alone. Not only will you need the help of the Spirit, you’ll also likely need the help of a loving, mature Christian friend or counselor who can help you squeeze out all the puss so that healing can begin.

In a nutshell – you’re going to need to go through this biblical process with each injury:

identifying the sin + confession + repentance + forgiveness = healing

Don’t give up on your marriage – you can work through past hurts. If you need help, get some. The LORD Jesus Christ will be honored by your valiant efforts to deal with the sin and pain of your past, and He will partner with you to bring healing.

Categories : Marriage

Tags : Christian marriage, marriage communication, marriage counseling, marriage help, talking with your spouse

When is spanking of children abusive?

Posted by Carey

· Monday, September 24th, 2012

When is spanking of children abusive?

When I was a kid there was very little debate about whether spanking of children was abusive. From conversations I had with my friends I know their parents believed that spanking was an appropriate form of discipline. And mine did for sure. As kids we talked about it as if it was the normal, expected thing to get a spanking when we disobeyed. I don’t think my experience is anything unique. I’d venture a guess that most people reading this who are over the age of 40 had parents who believed in spanking too.

But we can all agree that just because people in the past did something doesn’t make it right. Just because a LOT of people in the past did it doesn’t make it right either. What makes a thing right or wrong is what God says about it… and the scriptures are pretty clear that spanking of children is not only allowed, but even prescribed (you can read about that in my last about the spanking of children).

But in any good thing, even things given to us by God, abuses can happen. Overeating, sexual promiscuity, workaholism, and a slew of other vices prove that point. Sad but true, the same is true of spanking. Please understand that I don’t want you to abuse your child, and I don’t want to abuse mine. We are to care for our children, not damage them. Because of that it can be very difficult to know what a “good” spanking is like and when it crosses the line into the realm of abuse. In order to help clarify the differences between the two, keep this in mind:

A spanking rightly done has a positive effect.

A spanking wrongly done has a harmful effect.

With that in mind, I’m going to give you some quick guidelines my wife and I have learned that help us stay aimed at the positive end of that continuum. Here we go…

Guidelines for the spanking of children

Make sure genuine love and concern for your child are at the heart of your discipline.

Motivation is everything, so ask yourself, “Why am I spanking in the first place”? There are good/right reasons, and there are bad/wrong reasons. Ask yourself some questions…

Is it because you are irritated with your child? (bad/wrong)

Is it because you feel personally put-out or inconvenienced? (bad/wrong)

Is it because they have deliberately disobeyed or disrespected you? (good/right)

Is it because they are engaged in behavior that, if left unchecked, will be detrimental to them? (good/right)

If you answer “yes” to the first two (be honest) then hold off on the spanking until you get your attitude straight. Loving motives for a spanking have to do with your desire to help your child curb potentially harmful or outright sinful patterns of behavior. You want to help them, guide them, enable them to move into the realm of self-control so that their urges and spontaneous desires don’t control them. That’s behavior that honors God. And that’s a good motive for physical discipline.

Take action sooner rather than later.

Don’t let too much time pass between the offense and the spanking, especially with smaller children. They need to be able to associate the spanking with the wrong that has occurred. the longer the clock ticks between the infraction and the discipline, the less they are going to make that connection. Another aspect of this is that the “shock value” of a swat or spanking that comes immediately after an offense will help to communicate the “no nonsense” attitude you have about what they’ve done. They know you mean business – and there’s nothing ambiguous about it. If you make sure to act sooner rather than later, you won’t become one of those parents who counts to 3, or makes empty threats.

Make sure the offense is clearly understood.

Depending on the age of the child you may have to clarify the offense in differing ways. With very small children, a firm “NO” when pointing to the electric outlet will do most of the time. If not, say the firm “NO” as you swat their hand, and again pointing to the outlet as you hold and comfort them. With older children, you will need to talk about things with them to make sure they understand. Let’s make sure you understand why this is so important…

If you spank your child but they are unclear on why they are being spanked, you’ve pushed them toward embitterment, not wisdom (Ephesians 6:4). What I suggest is that you talk BRIEFLY about the offense to lay the groundwork, then have the spanking, then talk more extensively about it afterward as you comfort/hold the child. Speak to the reality of the issue. Things like, “You did a bad thing…” aren’t sufficient. You need to say, “YOU hit your brother… that means YOU were not being loving to Him, and God wants YOU to love YOUR brother” (see how it’s personal?). Kids don’t always put 2 and 2 together, so we have to make sure they see the REALITY of what they actually did.

Spanking of children should always be controlled.

There is no excuse for a 200 pound man to be wailing away uncontrollably at a 65 pound kid! That’s abuse, not a spanking. You need to be in full control of yourself when you spank your child. And’ let’s not be naive and say that a parent should never be angry when they spank. The truth is, you can (and sometimes should) be hopping mad at your kid for a very legitimate reason when it comes time to spank. The question is, how do you avoid going overboard?

Do you decide “I just won’t spank when I’m angry”? I don’t think that’s healthy or right. Your children need to see your anger at their sin (not at them personally) in order to get a full-blown picture of the significance of the wrong they have done. God gets angry at sin (and He let people see it), so why shouldn’t we? Here’s what we do: We set a limit for ourselves. For us, a spanking consists of 3 firm swats. We hold each other accountable, we let our kids know it will be 3 swats, and we hold ourselves to it strictly. We understand that NONE of us is above beating our kid instead of spanking them… so we put a safeguard in place to help us not to do so.

Make sure it hurts.

Hear me out on this one before you call CPS. I’m not saying you should beat your kids black and blue. I'm not suggesting that you be sadistic about it.

I am saying that the spanking needs to smart enough to make them think a second time before committing that sin again. As with any "learn the hard way" scenario, the consequence has to be painful enough to serve as a deterrent. If it isn't we tend to repeat the same behavior in the future.

Sometimes a mom with a heart-the-size-of-Texas is so sad about having to spank her child that she’ll just give him a little “love tap” instead of a real spanking. I understand the sympathy – but what she probably doesn’t understand is that she’s taking it easy for HER SAKE, not his. It’s actually doing damage to her child (Proverbs 13:24) by teaching him that the consequences for his wrong actions aren’t so bad that he should avoid doing the wrong behavior next time.

Always follow up with comfort and reassurance of your love.

Once the spanking of your child is over take her immediately into your lap or hug her (depending on size of the child). She needs to know that this offense has not permanently separated her from you. She needs to know your love in a tangible way she can easily recognize (even though the spanking is an act of love itself, she won’t immediately see it as such). Hold her close like this as you talk about the issue. Hold her as you reassure her of your love and your confidence that with God’s help, she can change this kind of behavior. Don’t downplay what she did – it is not “alright.” She sinned. But she is repenting and can move on with the help of God and you, her loving parent.

Require effective apologies.

When the offense was committed against another person, have the guilty child apologize. Don’t allow them to say, “I’m sorry…” with their eyes turned down and a sullen or timid voice. Chances are that they really aren’t sorry if that’s the case. Have them look the other person in the eye and say SPECIFICALLY what they are sorry for. “I’m sorry that I hit you.”

In order to get to this point and have it be genuine, you'll have to engage in a significant amount of conversation with the child during the discipline process (see the 3rd point). Some feel that a requirement like this is too humiliating for the child, but it’s actually an essential part of repentance. The formula looks like this:

sin + conviction + confession/apology = repentance.

It's making things right with those who were hurt. Once this is done, you'll have the equally challenging task of helping the offended child learn to forgive from the heart.

Please hear me again – there’s no sense in which I am advocating abuse. Children have a right to be treated justly. But a loving spanking administered the right way is not abuse. It is a motivator toward right attitudes and behavior that will serve the child for the rest of their life.

Categories : Parenting

Tags : abuse, Christian family, Christian home, Christian marriage, Christian parenting, discipline, parenting, spanking children, wplongform

Created to be his helpmeet – why it’s NOT a negative thing

Posted by Carey

· Wednesday, September 19th, 2012

Created to be his helpmeet?

Our daughter, Maddi, just got a new puppy. She saved up her paychecks all summer, did the research, picked the breed, and purchased all the supplies she would need.We’ve been very impressed at the way she went about the whole thing – and as a result “Little Man” is now asleep in the next room in his kennel.

During the research process, on more than one occasion, Maddi asked me to help her find some information on the internet. So, I helped her. You could truthfully say that I was her “helper” in the puppy research project she was doing. I could take offense at being referred to as her “helper,” (Oh, I see… I’m just the “helper”…..), but it would be silly to do so. Yet, that’s what many wives do when they are taught from the Bible that in relation to their husbands they are created to be his helpmeet or helper.

The vital question:

Wives, if you have been created to be his helpmeet, you need to find out the answer to this question if you want it to make sense:

I’m created to be his helpmeet in WHAT?

In other words, what are you to help him WITH? Here’s the bullet list of what I understand the biblical teaching to be:

God created Adam first, alone, without Eve (the one created to be HIS helpmeet). – Genesis 2:7-23
This “created first” status was God’s way of designating Adam as the leader of the soon-to-be relationship. – 1 Timothy 2:12-13; 1 Corinthians 11:13; Ephesians 5:23
God gave Adam (and Eve, as his helper) the mission of filling the earth with a righteous, godly race of people, and managing the created world for the glory of God. – Genesis 1:28

That is the answer to the question. Wives are created to be his helpmeet in carrying out God’s initial command to the first-ever parents.

THAT COMMAND IS: To build a legacy of believing, faithful people (their children, grandchildren, great-grandchildren) who can rightly lead in and care for the created world, so that God gets the glory.

A simple question to all those created to be his helpmeet

image: godserv on flickr

Is that a mission you can get on board with? I know very few women who would say, “No.”

The idea of being your husband’s helper in no way implies that you are inferior, less-than, incompetent, or lacking in value. In fact, it’s just the opposite. Let’s go back to the puppy for a minute…

Maddi asked me to help because I spend a good deal of time every week on the internet – working on this website and studying for my weekly sermons. The fact that she asked me indicates that I had some knowledge or skill that she needed in order to get her task completed.

The same is true in the husband wife roles. The husband has been appointed by God as the leader, but that doesn’t make him infallible or ultra-capable. It only makes him responsible. He needs help if he’s going to fulfill the mission he’s been given. In fact, the very nature of the mission makes it impossible for him to do it alone. He needs the help of his wife – the one created to be his helpmeet – because God wired her with things uniquely suited to the task of helping him lead out in their God-given mission.

I see this plainly in my own marriage and parenting:

Mindi is much more intuitive about parenting than I am.
Mindi is much more tuned in to the kids’ needs.
Mindi is better able to draw them out, nurture them, and care for their hearts.
In many ways, Mindi is better at applying the truths of scripture to the relational issues of life than I am.
Mindi is the EXACT helper I need to carry out God’s mission.

None of that means that I’m off the hook to parent in a tuned-in, proactive, nurturing way. It only means that I must humbly work together with my wife as she helps me lead the family well.

The mission carried out

As my new friend Rob Rienow says, “Families are the discipleship centers” of the world. We parents are responsible before God to:

Develop our own vibrant, intimate Christian walk with the LORD.
Grow and nurture a marriage which forms the basis for a Christ-centered home.
Pass that along in vital, every-day ways to our family.

Did you notice that process? – Christian – Home – Family (sounds like a website I heard about). It’s the way God planned it, and it starts with a right understanding of husband wife roles.

How does knowing God’s mission for the family help YOU better understand your role?

Categories : Marriage, Parenting

Tags : Christian family, Christian home, Christian marriage, Christian parenting, created to be his helpmeet, ezer, family mission, family purpose, headship, helper, man is the head of the wife, submission

Podcast 6: The Bible blueprint for marriage

Posted by Carey

· Monday, September 17th, 2012

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EPISODE #6

The Bible Blueprint for a biblical Marriage

Presenting the message:

CAREY GREEN
founder Christian Home and Family

SUMMARY OF TODAY’S PODCAST

A sermon presented at Community Church of Leadville, Colorado – the church where Carey serves as Pastor (as of this posting).

This message was presented as part of a Expository series of messages through the Epistle to the Ephesians. The series was entitled “IF/THEN” – referring to the reality that IF a person is a believer in Jesus Christ, THEN they have been transformed and certain changes should happen in the way they live. This message came in the “THEN” portion of the study, Ephesians 5:21-33. The message covers some of the New Testament teaching on roles and responsibilities of Christian husbands and wives, that will enable them to build a biblical marriage.

Links mentioned in this podcast:

Community Church of Leadville, CO
My contact page (to support Christian Home and Family through purchases you already make).

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Categories : Marriage, Podcast

Tags : Christian family, Christian home, Christian marriage, Christian parenting, ephesians 5:21-33, marriage, marriage counseling, marriage help, podcast, sermon, teaching on marriage

Effective Communication: Ask, don’t guess

Posted by Carey

· Wednesday, September 12th, 2012

Effective Communication: Ask, don’t guess

I have two questions for you.

How well do you REALLY understand what your spouse or kids think or feel?
Is the answer you just gave based on clear, effective communication, or is it a guess based on past experience?

Take some time to deeply consider that last question. Maybe it would help if I asked it a different way: Do you truly know those closest to you because you’ve taken the time to investigate what is going on inside them (through questions)?

That’s the only way we get to know a person. Their thoughts and feelings are their own private, inner world, UNTIL they express them through words (verbal or written).

So if you want to REALLY know your spouse or your kids, you have to become a pro at communication. And much of effective communication comes through questions.

Becoming a pro at effective communication

Here’s a checklist of qualities that you’ll notice about people who practice effective communication:

They don’t make assumptions… they ask questions.
They aren’t content to guess what people are thinking for feeling… they ask questions.
They don’t base their understanding of a person solely on information from the past… they ask questions.

Did you see the common thread? – They learn to ask questions.

But make sure you don’t misunderstand. I’m not talking about interrogation-style questions. That approach will make people clam up even more because they don’t sense your concern or care for them.

What I AM talking about is the kind of questions that flow out of a genuine interest in the person, and a real desire to know and understand them. If you want to learn effective communication, you have to learn to ask good, interested questions.

Spouses can make huge mistakes in this

In my 20+ years of Pastoral counseling I’ve seen couple after couple learn this lesson the hard way. And sadly, many NEVER learn it (don’t be one of those couples, please!). Husbands and wives easily fall into a pattern of assuming they know what their spouse is thinking, instead of asking kind, thoughtful, interested questions.

When you fail to ask questions of your spouse you communicate some very damaging things:

that you don’t care what they think or feel.
that you are only interested in your own opinions and feelings.
that they don’t really matter to you.

Do you really want to be communicating those kinds of things to your spouse? If not, you have to learn to ask good questions.

Parents can be the worst at this

Too often we parents make assumptions about what our children feel or think about an issue. It’s true that we probably know our kids better than anyone else, but that doesn’t mean that we know them as well as we could, or should. And it definitely doesn’t mean we can accurately predict what they will think or feel about a certain issue or situation.

There are some very amazing things that happen as you begin to ask your kids good questions:

you show them that their perception of things matters to you (which shows them that you value them).
you get a privileged glimpse into their soul
you get to truly KNOW them, instead of just THINKING you know them.

Of course, you have to go about this differently with different ages of children… and you need to always be mindful of the need for instruction in the midst of your communication. You are the parent, who is called by God to guide your children in the way they should go (Proverbs 22:6) and in learning the ways of the LORD (Deuteronomy 6:7).

So your end goal is not just to know how they feel or what they think, but to know how they feel and think SO THAT you can guide them with greater wisdom and direction.

Effective communication requires that you learn to ask good questions.

Let's do a short exercise together (in the comments below). Answer the following questions in a way that fits your own situation...

Give some examples of questions you’ve found helpful in asking your spouse.
Give some examples of good questions you could ask your 3 to 5 year old.
Give some examples of good questions you could ask your 6 to 10 year old.
Give some examples of good questions you could ask your 11 to 14 year old.
Give some examples of good questions you could ask your 15 to 19 year old.

Categories : Marriage, Parenting

Tags : Christian family, Christian home, Christian marriage, Christian parenting, effective communication, how to communicate, learn to communicate

The marriage first principle

Posted by Carey

· Friday, September 7th, 2012

The Marriage First Principle

Priorities. Every one of us has any number of greater and lesser priorities in our lives. Marriage is one of those priorities. But where does it fall on the scale of importance? Should it be toward the top, the bottom, or somewhere in the middle?

Marriage came into being as one of the first acts of God’s plan for all of history. After creating the world and the animals, God created the first man, Adam. But, Adam was alone, and God said that was not a good thing (Genesis 2:18). To solve the problem, God created the first woman, Eve, and the first marriage was the result. In establishing marriage God created the first and most intimate human relationship, one which takes highest priority among all human relationships.

That idea is what I refer to as the “Marriage First” principle.

Genesis 2:24 – Therefore a man shall leave his father and his mother and hold fast to his wife.

One important point regarding the Marriage First principle.

Your marriage relationship

comes before

all other earthly relationships.

Did you notice that our verse instructs a man to leave his father and mother when he gets married? Why did God command something like this?

Consider this: The relationships that a person has with their mother and father are normally the closest relationships they’ve had prior to adulthood. In teaching us that a man is to “leave” his father and mother, God is saying that once a couple becomes married, they are moving into a new and different stage in life, where the close relationships of the past (with parents) are to take a lesser place of importance in view of the new relationship that has begun (marriage).

There are many applications of this, but it is important to understand that this is the basic idea behind the Marriage First principle. Let’s flesh the idea out a bit.

You have many relationships that fill your life:

extended family members
co-workers
neighbors
friends
children

and every one of them is important in it’s own way, and to varying degrees.

But what the Marriage First principle teaches us is that as important as those relationships may be, none of them is to rival your relationship with your spouse. Your spouse is to come first…in your thoughts and in your consideration.

Questions for Reflection

Are you willing to take the time to learn what it will take for your marriage to be that kind of priority?
Make a quick list of the major relationships in your life. After you’ve compiled your list, rank them in two ways. First, rank them in order of how important they are to you currently. Then go back and rank them in order of how you think God desires them to be.
Where was your marriage relationship in the first ranking? Where is it in the second ranking?

This post is taken in part from my couple’s devotional book, The Marriage Improvement Project. For more information on the MIP, including a sneak peek into the first chapter and table of contents, you can go to this page. The MIP is available in softcover paperback and e-book (pdf) formats.

Categories : Marriage

Tags : Christian family, Christian home, Christian marriage, Christian parenting, marriage counseling, marriage first, marriage health, marriage help, marriage intensive, priority of marriage

Should parents spank children? – what the Bible says

Posted by Carey

· Wednesday, September 5th, 2012

I recently began a series of posts about whether to spank children as a form of discipline. Here’s what the Bible actually says about spanking…

Let’s dive into the scriptures…

I’m going to start out with a few passages that refer to discipline/correction in general because they set the context for appropriate physical correction….

Proverbs 1:7 – The fear of the LORD is the beginning of knowledge, but fools despise wisdom and discipline.

This passage highlights the importance of healthy fear as it relates to God and the discipline process. We can’t hope to discipline properly if we, as parents, don’t have a proper fear of the Lord, and if we are not helping our children to gain the beginnings of that fear also.

Proverbs 3:11-12 – My son, do not despise the LORD’s discipline and do not resent his rebuke, because the LORD disciplines those he loves, as a father the son he delights in.

Discipline is to be an act of love – when from God or a parent. I have to confess there have been times when I’ve rushed to discipline with one of my kids because I was personally hurt/embarrased/inconvenienced, etc. It had more to do with what the outcome was on me (a punitive, selfish response) than it did with the wrong that was done. Be careful to know your own motives, parents…

A parent can delight in their child and be very attentive to discipline at the same time. We discipline our children because we care for them so much. We correct their wrong/unsocial/unkind/inconsiderate behavior because we delight in who they are and in who they are to become.

Proverbs 13:24 – He who spares the rod hates his son, but he who loves him is careful to discipline him.

Some would argue that this passage is speaking of discipline in general, not a spanking. Could be… but coupled with the rest of the passages that speak of the rod, it’s a bit simplistic to make such a wholesale assumption… as you’ll see. But some points here:

Not spanking is a form of neglect. Solomon says you hate your child if you withhold the rod of correction.

Parents who love their kids are “careful” to discipline them. It’s a thoughtful, controlled process.

Proverbs 22:15 – Folly is bound up in the heart of a child, but the rod of discipline will drive it far from him.

What is folly? Some translations call it “foolishness.” It’s a natural part of being a child to be foolish. Part of the parent’s job is to teach their children, through various means, how to curb that foolish tendency – because it can be very dangerous. Part of the way we parents are to do that is through the use of a spanking. Let me explain by way of an example…

Children get excited when they play. They lose all track of what’s going on around them. If you’ve ever tried to call your son to dinner when he’s playing Nintendo, you know what I mean.

Once, when my son was very small, he was absorbed in a game of “ball” we were playing in the front yard. We were having a great time. Then the ball went bouncing into the street. He went after it. Despite my calls and stern voice, he kept running – a look of joy on his cute little face! FOOLISHNESS!

I ran out, yanked him up, and spanked him – all the while telling him, “NO going out in the street! NO! You will get hurt…” Can you see that my application of a spanking was actually a response to his foolishness, and a loving action? I’d rather have his little bottom be sore for a bit, than for him to be broken and bleeding in the street.

Proverbs 23:13-14 – Do not withhold discipline from a child; if you punish him with the rod, he will not die. Punish him with the rod and save his soul from death.

I have to laugh each time I read this because it so perfectly answers the concern of many opponents of spanking – and with a little twist of sarcasm, no less! The verse is making the point that physical punishment is completely appropriate when administered properly. This kind of punishment is actually very instrumental in leading the child into the right paths. And by the way, this verse makes no sense at all if “rod” only means “discipline.”

Last verse…

Proverbs 29:15 – The rod of correction imparts wisdom, but a child left to himself disgraces his mother.

Wisdom is the opposite of foolishness – and we see that not only does it drive out foolishness when we properly spank, it also embeds wisdom into the hearts of our children in ways they will not forget. The physical intensity of a spanking is part of what it is that engrains the lesson in the mind of the child. It was the physical intensity of falling from a 30 ft. cliff when rock climbing one spring that engrained the importance of using proper equipment into my head. I’ll NEVER make that mistake again. And parents who love their children cannot wait for the natural consequences to happen – if they do, they will have a dead child (remember the car coming down the street)? Spanking, properly applied, does bring wisdom.

My motives

I don’t want to abuse my children, neither do you. I don’t want to see anyone else abuse their children. But spanking is not abuse. When rightly administered, it is a form of loving discipline that curbs foolishness and imparts wisdom. You could ask my grown children, and they’d tell you the same.

In future posts I’ll go into what makes the difference between an appropriate spanking and an abusive one.

Categories : Parenting

Tags : child discipline, children obey your parents, Christian family, Christian home, Christian marriage, Christian parenting, disciplining children, physical discipline, should parents spank children, spanking children

Podcast 5: Establishing daily devotions for kids – (Interview, part 2)

Posted by Carey

· Monday, September 3rd, 2012

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EPISODE #5

ESTABLISHING DAILY DEVOTIONS FOR KIDS – PART 2 (INTERVIEW)

MY GUEST INTERVIEW:

AARON, MELINDA, AND MADELINE GREEN

SUMMARY OF TODAY’S PODCAST

A continuation of a conversation I had with my 3 oldest children, Aaron, Melinda, and Madeline – about the establishment of daily devotions for kids.

To clarify, when I say “Daily devotions for kids” I don’t mean family devotions or devotions that parents do with their kids. I mean the establishment of your kids’ own personal habit of daily time with the LORD. This is a vital area of parenting – shepherding your child’s heart to love the LORD and truly want to spend time with Him daily. Over the years I have seen these 3 grow to love and pursue the LORD for themselves, and I wanted to ask them questions regarding how that happened, what the process was like, and what the LORD has done in their lives.

This is PART 2 of the interview – you can find part 1 HERE.

OUTLINE OF THE PODCAST

The point at which things began to become personal.
Things that helped make that transition occur.
Their perspective on God and relationship with Him.
Helpful things the parents can do.
Advice for parents.

Links mentioned in this podcast:

Contact Christian Home and Family
Part 1 of this interview
My resource page (to support Christian Home and Family through purchases you already make).

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Categories : Parenting, Podcast, Spirit Health

Tags : Christian family, Christian home, Christian marriage, Christian parenting, daily devotions for kids, devotions for kids, devotions for teenagers, devotions for youth, quiet time for kids, quite times for kids, walk with the Lord

Parenting magazine is anything BUT expert advice

Posted by Carey

· Friday, August 31st, 2012

Why would I say Parenting magazine is anything but expert advice? – It could be because of a recent article published in the magazine entitled “20 things Moms should never feel guilty about.” (and many others they publish along the same line)

The list starts out somewhat OK, but once it rolls past #10, it gets really, uhhhh, twisted… here are some examples:

You should never feel guilty about…

12. Telling your partner you’re going to the doctor for a checkup when you’re actually going for a massage, pedicure, or to have your hair highlighted (it’s not like he’s going to notice anyway).

13. Paying cash for your massage/pedicure/highlights so he won’t discover the credit card charge.

14. Refusing another mom’s invitation to a playdate because you can’t stand it that she can leave crystal on her coffee table and toilet paper on the rollers and her baby doesn’t bother any of it.

15. Feeling a twinge of delight when the above mom’s baby still isn’t saying any words and yours has a vocabulary of six!

16. Putting on the Baby Einstein DVD for the third time before lunch so you can apply some makeup because that cute landscaping guy is due to come by and cut your grass sometime this afternoon.

So let me get this straight…

This is a magazine that endeavors to help parents be better parents. Is that right? Yet it is encouraging parents to be the kind of people they would NEVER want their child to be.

My translation of the points above…

You should never feel guilty even though you…

12. Lie to your spouse so that you can go out and do what you want to do without him knowing.

13. Practice deception to cover up your lie.

14. Be unsociable toward someone of whom you are jealous so that you don’t have to face your jealousy.

15. Take delight in the developmental delays of a BABY because of your own jealousy toward the baby’s mother.

16. Indulge in lust and fantasy… even though you have a baby lying in the next room.

See what I mean?

Parenting magazine is anything but expert advice because it misses one of THE fundamentals of good parenting… the power and importance of a good example. That is what parents are first and foremost.

Categories : Parenting

Tags : bad parenting, Christian family, Christian home, Christian marriage, Christian parenting, godly parenting, parenting, parenting advice, parenting counsel, parenting help, parenting magazine, parenting tips

30 prayers to pray for your children

Posted by Carey

· Wednesday, August 29th, 2012

30 prayers to pray for your children

Take the challenge to pray for one of these each day of the month and notice what differences you see and sense in your family.

That they will know Christ as Savior early in life. (Psalm 63:1)
That they will have a hatred for sin. (Psalm 97:10, , Matthew 22:37)
That they will be caught when guilty. (Psalm 119:71)
That they will be protected from the evil one in each area of their lives – spiritual, emotional, and physical. (John 17:15)
That they will have a responsible attitude in all their personal relationships, being considerate, mature, and taking the initiative in love. (Daniel 6:3, Philippians 2:4, Matthew 5:43-44)
That they will respect those in authority over them. (Romans 13:1)
That they will desire the right kind of friends. (Proverbs 1:10-11)
That they will be protected form the wrong kind of friends. (Proverbs 1:10-11)
That they will be kept from the wrong mate. (2 Corinthians 6:14-17)
That they will be saved for the right mate. (2 Corinthians 6:14-17)
That they, as well as those they marry will be kept pure until marriage. (2 Corinthians 6:18-20)
That they will learn to totally submit to God. (James 4:7)
That they will learn to actively resist satan in all circumstances. (James 4:7)
That they will grow in the fear of the Lord. (Psalm 34:9)
That they will be single-hearted, willing to be sold out to Jesus Christ. (Romans 12:1-2)
That they will be hedged in so they cannot find their way to wrong people or wrong places. (Hosea 2:6)
That evil people cannot find their way to them. (Hosea 2:6)
That their thoughts will be captive to obedience to Christ. (2 Corinthians 10:5)
That they will live by faith, not by emotion. (2 Corinthians 5:7)
That they will live by the Spirit. (Galatians 5:16)
That they will walk in the truth. (3 John 14)
That they will love the Lord with their whole mind, soul, body, and stength. (Mark 12:30)
That they will ask for and seek wisdom daily. (Proverbs 4:5, James 1:5-6)
That they will point others to the heart of God and not to other things. (1 Corinthians 6:20, 1 Peter 2:12)
That they will have a growing desire for holiness. (Hebrews 12:14)
That they will have a deep love for God. (1 Timothy 3:15)
That they will first seek God’s kingdom and righteousness. (Matthew 6:33)
That their heart will be inclined toward God’s word. (Psalm 119:36)
That their hearts will be united in service to the LORD. (Psalm 86:11)
That God will create in them a clean heart and a right spirit. (Psalm 51:10)

Are there any ways to pray for your children that you would add to the list?

Categories : Parenting

Tags : Christian family, Christian home, Christian marriage, Christian parenting, parents praying for children, pray for your children, prayers for children

Podcast 4: Establishing daily devotions for kids – (Interview, part 1)

Posted by Carey

· Monday, August 27th, 2012

SUBSCRIBE TO THE CHRISTIAN HOME AND FAMILY PODCAST

EPISODE #4

ESTABLISHING DAILY DEVOTIONS FOR KIDS – PART 1 (INTERVIEW)

MY GUEST INTERVIEW:

AARON, MELINDA, AND MADELINE GREEN

SUMMARY OF TODAY’S PODCAST

A conversation with my 3 oldest children, Aaron, Melinda, and Madeline – about the establishment of daily devotions for kids.

This is PART 1 of the interview – part 2 to follow in Episode 5.

OUTLINE OF THE PODCAST

Introduction of the podcast and topic
Introduction of Aaron, Melinda, and Madeline Green.
Discussion of whether a child can truly come to faith in Christ at the age of 3 or 4 (as these 3 did).
The beginning years of Aaron, Melinda, and Madeline’s experiences with daily devotions for kids.
How and when the habit grew into a desire.
Things the LORD has shown them along the way.

Links mentioned in this podcast:

Contact Christian Home and Family
Part 2 of this conversation

SUBSCRIBE TO THE CHRISTIAN HOME AND FAMILY PODCAST

Categories : Parenting, Podcast, Spirit Health

Tags : Christian family, Christian home, Christian marriage, Christian parenting, daily devotions for kids, daily walk with the Lord, devotions for kids, devotions for teenagers, devotions for youth, podcast interview, quiet time for kids

6 ways to provoke your children to anger

Posted by Carey

· Wednesday, August 22nd, 2012

1. Boss them around without first convincing them that you care for them

Set up a bunch of rules that are devoid of any real relationship between you and your kids. This is a sure-fire way to make sure that they don’t even get a hint that you are concerned about their well-being. You’re giving them rules to follow… isn’t that enough to show them that you care?

2. Treat them as if they are not important

Don’t listen to your kids… after all, they are kids. Don’t ask them about their lives, their interests, what the LORD is doing in their life… nothing. Basically, just ignore them altogether. You are the parent, you’re the one who matters most.

3. Don’t notice and affirm the good they are doing or have done

If you compliment or affirm them, they’ll get big heads. Why would you want to risk that? Withhold encouraging comments about their competence and abilities, and never let them know what you see the LORD doing in them. You don’t want them being one of those self-righteous religious kids who looks down on everyone else, do you?

4. Don’t allow them to apply new skills and abilities

Yeah, they are supposed to be growing up, but you know that if you want it done right, you’ll have to do it yourself. And don’t let them try things that may be risky. They might get hurt, or make a mistake, or fall into sin… or worse they might embarrass you. Play it safe… don’t let them try anything new.

5. Don’t discipline them, even when they need it

Discipline is highly overrated. You may go too far and damage their self-esteem. They’ll learn their own lessons in time if you’ll just leave them alone to figure out their mistakes and temptations on their own. What they really need is the freedom to discover themselves. Requiring them to toe the line morally or ethically will crush their individuality.

6. Don’t honor or care for the people your kids care about

The relationship your kids have with their other parent, or their siblings, has nothing to do with you. If you treat your kids’ loved ones unfairly, they won’t even notice. They aren’t mature enough to understand injustice or abuse.

If you weren’t sure if I was serious or not, let me put your mind at ease. I wrote those 6 points as pure satire, to get you thinking.

Some of you were really bothered by the sarcastic tone, and that’s understandable. But the real tragedy is that some of you were more bothered by the sarcasm than you were with the possibility that you actually DO think along those lines some of the time.

The scriptures instruct parents in this way:

Fathers, do not provoke your children to anger, but bring them up in the discipline and instruction of the Lord.

To make what I’m saying perfectly clear, I want to quickly run through those points again, only this time without the sarcasm.

1. Boss them around without first convincing them that you care for them

If you set up your household in a way that majors on rules but minors on genuine, caring relationship between the parents and children, you are setting up your children to become angry – with you.

I’m not saying you shouldn’t have rules (we have plenty of rules in our home), but your kids need to know that you CARE about them first. If they know that they are more important to you than the rules, they’ll typically submit to the rules – because they trust YOU. Remember this “3 R” principle:

2. Treat them as if they are not important

If you disregard or ignore your kids they’ll become angry – with you.

You should do your best to treat them as valuable, important individuals in your household. They have their own life, just like you have yours. And their life is important to them, just like yours is to you. Their concerns may not truly be of much importance in the long run, but you should care about those things because THEY cares about them. That doesn’t mean all you talk about is video games and cartoons… you still need to teach them how to communicate with wisdom and with consideration for others (who may not enjoy talking about those things). But you should communicate that they, and their thoughts and feelings are valuable to you, and to God.

3. Don’t notice and affirm the good they are doing or have done

It’s easy to fall into the mindset that if you aren’t telling them that they are doing something wrong, it means they are doing OK. But as a Christian parent you can’t let yourself go there. Your kids are constantly wondering if you approve of them, and your silence won’t answer the question. They need to know if they are doing well with the challenges life is throwing at them, if the LORD is at work in their lives at all. It’s your job to tell them what you see, and to spur them on to love and good deeds (Hebrews 10:24). If you neglect affirming them, they will become angry – at you.

4. Don’t allow them to apply new skills and abilities

As you raise your children wisely, they are to be growing in wisdom, maturity, and competence. They need opportunities to test their wings, to see for themselves that the work the LORD has been doing in them (through your parenting) is good. So don’t keep them out of sports because they might be hurt. Don’t do their science project for them because it might look like a kid did it. They may get hurt, and they may not make the coolest looking science project… but they will learn how to navigate life and apply Christ-like character through those experiences (with your help). If you shelter or coddle your kids in this way, they will become angry – at you.

5. Don’t discipline them, even when they need it

Your children need discipline. Not overbearing, unreasonable demands… but Godly, Spirit-directed, love-motivated discipline.

Discipline is course correction, instruction, loving redirection of their childish foolishness into better paths. Discipline is a boundary, inside which your children will feel secure and loved. You’ve seen the toddler wreaking havoc in the store, and his mom who did nothing about it. You may have been the mom. The scriptures tell us that a parent like that actually hates their child (Proverbs 13:24). You’re not doing them any favors by withholding appropriate, timely discipline. In fact, you are handicapping them. If you are lax when it comes to appropriate discipline, your kids will become angry – at you.

6. Don’t honor or care for the people your kids care about

If you are harsh, unfeeling, or abusive toward the people your children love (their siblings or other parent) they will become angry – at you. They may be too small at the moment to do anything about the injustices they witness, or to totally understand it in a way they could express. But you can be sure anger will rise within them because of it. Your short fuse, your ungracious tone, your hurtful words – all of these and more are the seeds that grow into future anger in your child. Learn to let the Spirit be in control and entirely different fruit will begin to flow out of you (Galatians 5:22-23).

Categories : Parenting

Tags : biblical parenting, Christian family, Christian home, Christian marriage, Christian parenting, parenting, provoke your children to anger

How can you teach this to your children?

Posted by Carey

· Thursday, August 16th, 2012

A powerful lesson to teach to your children…

I read the following quote in a tweet from Ray Ortland today (You can find me on Twitter here – @withCareyGreen).

All sins are attempts to fill voids

Here’s a simple question for today:

How can you teach that truth to your children?

We are all born with a void, caused by sin and only filled with Christ.
Your children need to know this about themselves.
And they need to know the great salvation from that void offered by Christ.

So back to my question:

How can you teach this truth to your children today?

Categories : Parenting

Tags : Christian family, Christian home, Christian marriage, Christian parenting, fill the void, godly parents, gospel centered parenting, gospel for kids

Back to school ideas for the Christian family – Communication

Posted by Carey

· Wednesday, August 15th, 2012

Back to school ideas for the Christian family – Communication

Going back to school each fall is an exciting time. There’s lots to do and lots of new things ahead. But school time can also be one of the most stressful and difficult times of the year as well. I didn’t want the back to school season to slip by without giving you some tips I’ve learned (mainly from my wife) about how to make it the best that it can be!

Make communication a top priority

It doesn’t matter if your kids are going to school outside the home, or are schooled at home. Communication is key. Why? Because communication is what keeps your relationship with your children strong – and relationship is the most important part of home life, even more so than their education. Regular, meaningful communication brings a variety of benefits…

It provides security, when your children may be venturing out into new settings and situations.
It provides a strong connection to the safety and acceptance of the family, when those outside may not be as accepting.
It enables you to be in touch with what is going on in your child’s heart, while all these new challenges are arising.

How does this type of communication come about?

This type of communication comes about because Mom and Dad make it come about. Parents who understand the vital things good communication provides make sure that it is happening in their homes. Here are some ideas for facilitating communication that you can fit into your regular routine:

Breakfast devotions before everyone gets started for the day
One night a week set aside for “family time“
Intentional conversations with your children as you tuck them into bed (take your time… some of the best stuff comes out then)

Most importantly

In all of this… be sure to constantly bring God into the conversation.

Talk about what HE thinks or feels about the situations they are facing.
Discuss what HIS will is for their relationships, conversations, school work, and study times.
Make HIS INVOLVEMENT in your child’s life obvious to them by the way you include Him in everything.

Categories : Parenting

Tags : back to school, Christian family, Christian home, Christian marriage, Christian parenting, family communication, family help, family ideas

Pressing on – in life, marriage, and parenting

Posted by Carey

· Monday, August 13th, 2012

Pressing on in life marriage, and parenting

A few weeks back 3 of the kids and I went on a group hike up Mt. Elbert, the highest peak in Colorado and the 2nd highest peak in the contiguous United States. We rose at 3:30 A.M. so we could reach the trail head by 5 A.M. We were trying to avoid afternoon rain showers.

It was a beautiful day and we enjoyed the time with friends and the gorgeous creation of our LORD. By 9 A.M. we were close to tree line, and by 11 A.M. we were well up the shoulder of the mountain. But for us (me) who had never done this sort of thing, it was a hard climb. Really hard (even though Elbert is not one of the more difficult mountains). At one point, we climbed a section of rock that was so steep I could hold my arm straight out in front of me and touch the trail I was ascending. We worked our way up, step by step, until we reached the summit. But it was a false summit. The GPS on my Droid showed that we still had over 580 vertical feet to go… so we kept pressing on.

Many things went through my mind that day as my legs ached and my back complained (I was carrying the backpack with survival gear for the 4 of us). One of the most frequent was that I didn’t really need to make it all the way to the top… it wasn’t really THAT important. Probably true, but I felt a catch in my spirit about stopping. Melinda (almost 19) was ahead with a group of her friends. Faith (9 years old) was with her… her hunter orange hat making her easy to spot. And Caleb (my 12 year old son) was right behind me. I considered the lessons they’d learn about perseverance, pushing through pain and emotion, and having the opportunity to accomplish something that many others never do. Those wouldn’t be learned as well if Dad bailed out before the end. So I kept pressing on.

We made it all 14,433 feet to the top. It was great. After 40 minutes for lunch and a few photos we headed down.

Down.

Did you know that you use an entirely different set of muscles descending than you do ascending? It hurts. My toes were constantly sliding down to the front of my shoes (blisters). I rediscovered a knee injury from 20 years ago. I seriously stubbed my toe on a tree stump sticking out of the path. But there was no other choice, I kept pressing on.

It was a great and miserable experience, all at the same time. One I probably won’t do again. But it served me well as a modern parable.

What lessons did I learn?

Life (parenting, marriage, work) requires perseverance, even when difficulty is present or on the horizon (James 1:12).
There are others counting on you and looking to you, even if you don’t think so.
Being intentional as a leader (parent, head of the household) requires you to think through the impact your decisions will have on those you lead.
In God’s sovereign plan, sometimes you don’t have a choice but to keep pressing on – and in such cases, we must learn to trust that He knows what He’s doing.
Often, after the hard work of perseverance is completed, the view is worth it all.

Categories : Marriage, Parenting

Tags : Christian family, Christian home, Christian marriage, Christian parenting, godly parenting, lessons for kids, life goals, life lessons, marriage, parenting help, perseverance in marriage, pressing on in life, teaching your children

Wives, do you encourage your husband?

Posted by Carey

· Saturday, August 11th, 2012

This is what you might call a “sister-in-law” post to another I did recently. That’s because my sister-in-law Val made a comment about that post that got me thinking about this one.

Wives, do you encourage your husband?

Ladies, answer honestly – do you encourage your husband? You might think so… but is he really encouraged by you?

In my mind, there are two kinds of encouragement. Let’s take a look at both…

Here are some examples:

You smell good. Did you put on cologne for a change?
Thanks for not throwing your socks on the floor this time.
I appreciate that you brushed your teeth before coming to bed.

I call this half-hearted encouragement. It hints at negatives on the way to the positive… and doesn’t quite get there in the end. In addition, it ‘s mainly about externals, not the heart. Your husband needs more than that. He needs your words to enrich his soul, to make him believe that God wants something greater from his life. He needs to know you believe in him and that you are FOR him. That takes us to a better way to encourage your husband…

Here are some examples of a better way to encourage your husband:

I know that things are tough at work right now, but the LORD has done great things in you… you can do it!
I appreciate the patience you showed with the kids today. I could see Jesus doing it exactly like that.
Thanks for asking my opinion. When you do that I see Christ-like leadership in the way you are considering me.

Do you see the difference? This last set of encouraging comments are focused on God’s desires for your husband and the work He is doing in him. They are affirming and confident that God is at work. THAT is how you should encourage your husband. That is what your husband needs. Trust me, he does.

What encouragement #2 does for your husband

I’ll let you in on a little man-secret ladies. Don’t tell your husband I told you. Here it is:

No matter how tough or together or on top of the world your husband tries to appear, he’s really a scared, insecure little boy inside.

He’s not as sure of himself as he wants you to believe. He’s not as secure as you might think. He’s got self-doubt, guilt, and hang-ups from his past that he carries with him everyplace he goes. He needs YOU to help him get past all that, so that he can be the man God has designed him to be. My guess is, that’s the man YOU are hoping he’ll become too. This second type of encouragement replaces his doubting, self-destructive ideas about himself with the truth of what God thinks of him as a redeemed child of God. Christian wife, YOU can be the primary agent through which the LORD brings about miraculous changes in your husband. But it’s not by nagging. It’s by encouragement #2. I’ve told Mindi at least a hundred times that when I know that she believes in me (and God’s work in me), I can conquer the world!

Here’s your assignment: (and if you’ve read this far, you really need to do it)

Ask your husband if he feels encouragement from you. Be ready for his answer (and don’t let yourself get defensive).
Ask him to give you 5 real things you could do to improve.
Get Sam Crabtree’s book (below) and read it. It’s a short, easy read – and THE BEST book on this subject I’ve ever read.

(affiliate link follows)

Practicing Affirmation by Sam Crabtree – How does affirmation fit into a Christian’s life? Isn’t that simply a humanistic, self-esteem, ego-boosting tool for getting along with others? In Practicing Affirmation, Sam Crabtree skillfully makes a case for and gives practical applications of biblical commendation of others. He states, “[W]e ought to praise God rather than man, while acknowledging that the praise of God does not forbid all praise of others. It only prohibits the praise of others in ways that diminish GodÂ’s glory” (p. 18).Right from the beginning, Crabtree understands the biases of Christian readers and uses Scripture to defend his thesis that affirmation is a required part of blessing one another. Some of the verses he quotes demonstrate the purpose of building each other up so that we will continue to love one another and do good for the LordÂ’s good name (see Heb. 10:24; 1 Cor. 14:26; Rom. 15:2; 1 Pet. 3:9).Along the way, Crabtree gives pointers on proper motivation, what to affirm, responding to compliments, affirming unbelievers, and balancing it with correction. The importance of exercising affirmation becomes clear as our relationships take on a refreshing rather than demanding tone. By becoming the advocate of our children, our spouses, neighbors, and friends, we gain permission to speak to their hearts. Crabtree tells the story of strengthening the relationship with his 11-year-old daughter, saying, “I became a student of her,” in order to find her God-honoring traits and communicate those to her (p. 57). He continues, “The aim is to glorify God by refreshing people as we help them to see God at work in their lives, moving them toward Christlikeness” (p. 69). And this is truly the point of the book.Much like a letter written by Paul, Crabtree begins his book with doctrine and follows it closely with practical living. The first half of the book covers the “why” and “how” to properly affirm one another, which should be read slowly and thoughtfully. The second half moves much quicker, as he goes through a list of “Mistakes I Have Made,” followed by anticipated questions and answers that further explain what godly affirmation looks like. He also wisely includes “100 Affirmation Ideas for Those Who Feel Stuck,” which provides a very specific list of ways to commend coworkers, family, and even missionaries.

Categories : Marriage

Tags : Christian family, Christian home, Christian marriage, Christian parenting, encourage your husband, help your husband, helpmeet, wife's role

Life plan while you still can

Posted by Carey

· Thursday, August 9th, 2012

Life plans for Christians?

OK, I’ll admit the words “life plan” do not appear in the Bible. But the expectation that Christians are to live life INTENTIONALLY is everywhere! God expects things of you and your life (Matthew 25:14-26), and…

you need to be living on purpose instead of by happen-stance.

Another part of the picture is this: You don’t know how long your life will last, so it would be smart to get started figuring out what you’re supposed to be doing with it.

Do you have a life plan? If you don’t, you should. Because this subject is so important, this post is going to be a tad bit longer than usual, but it’s worth it.

My story

When Mindi and I married, I didn’t think in terms of a life plan. I lived day to day, rolling with whatever came. It’s a pretty stress-free way to live, but you never really get anywhere you want to go.

image: Alan Cleaver on flickr
http://www.flickr.com/photos/alancleaver/2378525120/

After we’d been married a few years, Mindi began to refer to my way of living as “floating.” She meant that I was floating through life, not being intentional about my thoughts, time, relationships, direction, talents – anything! I finally came to admit she was right. Not only was I floating through life, I didn’t know how NOT to float.

I thank God that He gave me a wife who is exactly the opposite. Her life is lived intentionally. Underneath her purposeful living is a life plan – she desires to bring glory to her Savior with every aspect of her life. As I was getting to know her (1988) that was one of the first things I noticed about her. She was intentional about her life because she was intentional about loving her Savior (John 14:15).

What a life plan looks like

Your life plan will be as individual as you. God has made you who you are, put you into history where you are, taken you through the experiences you’ve had, and given you your personality and talents ON PURPOSE. He’s made you a very specific tool that He wants to use in very specific ways during the days He has you on the planet. Your job is to make yourself available to what He has in mind.

And how do are you supposed to know what He has in mind for you? It’s called “walking in the Spirit,” (Galatians 5:16), and it’s how God guides us into His will. When you placed your faith in Christ, the Spirit of God came to live inside you. He’s been given to you to be your Helper and Guide (John 14:16, John 16:13), to show you, step-by-step, what the LORD desires for you to do. He’s also the power source by which you do the will of God (Ephesians 3:16). So God is not a tyrant who expects things of you but doesn’t help. He’s exactly the opposite. When He expects things of your life, He also gives you what you need in order to do what He expects.

How to develop your life plan

Your life plan could be simple, or it could be very detailed. Which it is will depend on a lot of things. Personality, gifting, temperament, experiences, and many others. For now, let’s look at the two extremes. As an example, Mindi and I are pretty opposite:

Mindi does NOT have a detailed life plan (it’s not written, she didn’t spend a lot of time “working on it,” and she never had anyone teach her how to do it). But you can be sure, she HAS a life plan that guides her every day. In her case, it’s a mixture of the gifts and personality God has given her that make her such a “natural” at living on purpose.

I DO have a detailed life plan (it is written, I did spend a lot of time “working on it,” and I have learned from others how to develop it – Mindi, mainly). In my case, I had to seek the LORD diligently and watch what He was doing in my life to “discover” who He’s made me to be and how I’m to serve Him.

Some people know intuitively or naturally what their life is about. Mindi has known since a very young age that she’s called and wired to be a wife, Mom, and a teacher and counselor to others.

Others don’t come by this as naturally and need to spend time seeking the LORD’s heart on the issue. That’s me. After 45 years, I’ve just begun to see who God has made me to be, and what He has wired me to do for His sake.

I provide life coaching from a Christian perspective. Find out more here.

If you feel like you need to develop a clear, on-paper life plan there are many tools you can use to get the creative juices flowing… mind-mapping software, word clouds, or coaching from someone who has been through the process. But if you’d like to give it a try all on your own, here’s what I suggest as a starter:

Ask the Holy Spirit to guide and reveal throughout the process. It’s the LORD’s plan for your life that you are after – not something you dream up.
Write down all the “roles” God has placed you in – child of the Father, spouse, parent, friend, employee, etc.
Rewrite those roles in order of importance from God’s point of view. (I covered this in a podcast episode. You might want to give it a listen.)
Write down what you prayerfully consider to be God’s purpose for putting you into each of those roles. In other words, what results does God expect to come of you being in each role?
Next, consider the gifts and abilities the LORD has given to you. You may want to go through a gifts analysis to help you do this. (This is one I created you can have for free).
Once you have identified the “goals” that you are shooting for in each role, and once you have an idea for how God has uniquely gifted you, try to summarize each role-goal in a short, clear statement of purpose that takes into consideration how God has uniquely designed you.
Finally, try to put them all together in a short, easy to understand series of statements. Take your time and refine each sentence until it says exactly what you feel it should say. When you are finished you have a basic life plan.

There is a ton more that could go into this process, and likely a ton more that will. Each person will discover different steps that are helpful to them along the way. But this should serve as track on which you can get started in creating your life plan.

My life plan: one example

It wasn’t too long ago that I finally got my life plan on paper. I did it following a process very much like what I described above. Here is my finished product:

Because Jesus is more than worthy of all my life can ever be…

I will BE a godly man, husband, father, and friend.
I will USE His gifts in me to magnify His worth to others.
I will SERVE others as a model, mentor, leader, teacher, and writer.
I will DO all this depending fully on Jesus, who lives in me.

If you don’t have a life plan, get started on it. If you need some help, I offer life coaching – so feel free to contact me. (If you are part of my church family, give me a call – it’s free for you!). And once you get your own life plan on track, begin thinking about how you can teach this sort of intentionality to your kids! And I’d love to hear how this process goes for you, so feel free to contact me or post your own life plan in the comments below!

Categories : Spirit Health

Tags : Christian family, Christian home, Christian life planning, Christian marriage, Christian parenting, create your life plan, life plan, life planning coach, personal mission statement

Christian Parenting: a chip off the oldest block

Posted by Carey

· Tuesday, August 7th, 2012

How God has “parented” His people throughout history

photo taken by flickr user http://www.flickr.com/photos/maveric2003/

The Bible is divided into two sections – Old Testament and New Testament.

One aspect of the Old Testament is that it is a record of how God the Father dealt with His children in the earlier stages of mankind’s spiritual development. There are plentiful examples of His mercy and grace in the Old Testament (the ark God instructed Noah to build, His calling of Abram, His sparing of Lot from the destruction of Sodom, His forgiving of David, etc.). But it is also clear that in that “stage” of His parenting, the “law” played a major role. Practically, He gave lots of instruction about what was right and wrong, and commanded obedience from His children.

God’s focus on rules and obedience at that stage of history wasn’t His “Plan A” that had to get Him by until He could get around to His “Plan B” (Jesus). Nope. His focus on law was intentional. It was designed to show that He is holy and we are sinners, and we need His help.

Paul says exactly this in Romans 7…

I was once alive apart from the law, but when the commandment came, sin came alive and I died. The very commandment that promised life proved to be death to me. For sin, seizing an opportunity through the commandment, deceived me and through it killed me. So the law is holy, and the commandment is holy and righteous and good. Did that which is good, then, bring death to me? By no means! It was sin, producing death in me through what is good, in order that sin might be shown to be sin, and through the commandment might become sinful beyond measure. For we know that the law is spiritual, but I am of the flesh, sold under sin.

In a nutshell, Paul said the law shows us 2 things:

The holiness of God
Our own sinfulness

What does that have to do with Christian parenting today?

Many get confused at how rules fit into “Christian” parenting. To some it seems that since we Christians are “under grace” we should not have a bunch of rules for our kids. I agree there should not be a “bunch” of rules, but there clearly should be rules. While our children are young, before they come to faith in Jesus, they not only need boundaries, they also need spiritual tutoring. That is what the rules do.

Let’s consider it through the parable of the sower (Matthew 13:1-9). Jesus describes 4 different kinds of soil (which represented types of “hearts” in people). Three of the soils were not able to receive the seed (the word of God). The parable is not about the power of the word of God but about the condition of people’s hearts.

In Christian parenting the loving rules we set for our kids serve as cultivation of their hearts. Through rules they hear and understand right and wrong from God’s perspective, and they begin to see the sinful condition of their own hearts. It’s at that point their hearts are ready to receive the seed of the gospel. The rules are part of what God uses to prepare them for His grace.

So don’t abandon rules in your desire to “give grace” to your children. Like you and me, they can’t see their need of a Savior if they don’t first see that they are sinners.

Categories : Parenting

Tags : bible on parenting, Christian family, Christian home, Christian marriage, Christian parenting, God as a parent, God as our father, godly parenting, parenting help

Podcast 2: Thinking “outside the box” about family mission trips

Posted by Carey

· Monday, August 6th, 2012

SUBSCRIBE TO THE CHRISTIAN HOME AND FAMILY PODCAST

with Carey Green

EPISODE #2

THINKING OUTSIDE THE BOX ABOUT FAMILY MISSION TRIPS (INTERVIEW)

MY GUEST INTERVIEW:

CARL WALKER

Walker Family Excursions

SUMMARY OF TODAY’S PODCAST

A conversation with Carl Walker of En Gedi Retreat who has developed, along with his wife, what I am calling an “out of the box” sort of practice they call “excursions.”

An excursion is: 1 part mission trip, 1 part vacation, and 1 part exploration.

Carl and I discuss how these trips first came about, why they came about, and how they put them together and implement them. He shares some powerful stories of how these trips have impacted him, his family, and the people they have served.

I think you’ll enjoy this interview perhaps more than I enjoyed making it (though that might be tough… I had a really good time).

OUTLINE OF THE PODCAST

Introduction of the podcast and topic
Introduction of Carl Walker, director of En Gedi retreat
How the idea of “excursions” came about
What IS an excursion?
What the family thinks about excursions
Excursion stories (How God has worked)
Carl’s “Top 5 Tips” for pulling off your own family excursion

Links mentioned in this podcast:

The music track used in the Christian Home and Family Podcast is entitled, “Midian” and is from Adam Rey’s instrumental album Meat & Potatoes – Adam has generously given me permission to use his music, to please, support his generosity by checking out an purchasing his music at www.heyreyguitar.com – (no affiliate relationship, Adam’s just my friend.)

SUBSCRIBE TO THE CHRISTIAN HOME AND FAMILY PODCAST

with Carey Green

Categories : Parenting, Podcast

Tags : carl walker, Christian family, Christian home, Christian marriage, Christian parenting, en gedi retreat, family mission trips

Why you do what you do – SCREENCAST

Posted by Carey

· Friday, August 3rd, 2012

Why you do what you do… have you ever wondered?

The Apostle Paul did… Romans 7 gives us his account of the confusion that he once struggled with in trying to figure out that very issue. But thanks be to God, Paul was taught by God to understand that struggle, and therefore we can understand it too.

The following SCREENCAST is me, doing a bit of teaching (with some cool graphics), about this very thing.

I can’t tell you how literally TRANSFORMATIONAL the truths contained in this teaching have been to my own life. You need to know this stuff… and you need the Spirit of God to make it take root deep in your soul.

Watch it.

Watch it again.

Get these truths down deep.

Categories : Spirit Health

Tags : be killing sin, Christian family, Christian home, Christian marriage, Christian parenting, Christians and sin nature, emotional control, fighting sin, new spirit, the struggle with our flesh, why you do what you do

Spanking children – is it abusive?

Posted by Carey

· Thursday, August 2nd, 2012

Spanking children – is it abusive?

The common “wisdom” of our day is that spanking children is a form of abuse. Some say it so definitively that it seems beyond question.

But THINK about the statement for just a minute. It is such a GENERALIZED statement…

In both cases the statement COULD be true, but it isn’t NECESSARILY true.
No doubt spanking can, in some cases, be legitimately abusive.
But that doesn’t mean it always is.

There is a whole lot more that has to be said before we can determine if it is true in any given case.

In short, here’s what I believe about spanking children…

The Bible not only allows spanking of children, the Bible prescribes it (Proverbs 13:24; Proverbs 22:15; Proverbs 23:13-14; Proverbs 29:15) – I’ll deal with these references in more detail in a later post… and the common misinterpretations people foist upon them.

Spanking children must be done lovingly, and with great discernment. I’ll cover the “how to” of that in a future post as well.

Spanking children cannot be carried out biblically outside a context of good relationship with the child. More on this in a future post.

Spanking children cannot be done arbitrarily. Both parent and child must understand why a spanking is administered in a given situation. Again, more to come…

Spanking children is not automatically rejected because Jesus didn’t address it specifically. There are many things Jesus didn’t address (political freedom, healthy

Archive for Christian marriage

Remove the word “divorce” from your vocabulary.

I want to encourage you to decide that divorce is not an option.

I know there are extremely difficult circumstances that people face…

What I’m suggesting is excruciatingly difficult. I know.

And… there’s more going on than searching for a “happy ending”

Your thoughts? Please comment below…

Emotional pain left over from the past is powerful.

You don’t want to be that couple… so what can you do to avoid it?

To get over that kind of emotional pain… that’s exactly what you need to do… deal with each offense, one at a time.

If you have thoughts on this subject, or questions, I’d love to interact in the comments below. – Thanks!

Ladies, do you ever have trouble understanding your husband?

Ladies, in this post, I’m gonna’ tell you some things that I hope will help you understand your husband.

Before I move ahead, let me make one disclaimer about your husband: Every man is unique.

8 things every wife needs to understand about her husband

I’m writing to today to let you know that my rest break is over and the CHAF min istry will be moving forward in the weeks to come…

CHRISTIAN

HOME

FAMILY

HOW IT’S GOING TO HAPPEN

Have you caught the vision?

Are you in? Are you ready to move passionately toward the LORD for the sake of your family, for the sake of generations?

SUMMARY OF TODAY’S PODCAST

Men: Become a student of your wife

A quote to share

Links mentioned in this podcast:

NEXT EPISODE: August 28, 2013 – Podcast 51 – Husbands: become a student of your wife

SUMMARY OF TODAY’S PODCAST God’s description of a Christian husband

NEXT EPISODE: July 10, 2013 – Podcast 44- Christian books, Christian Classics, and the Christian family with Luke Wilson

Jesus restores the original

SUMMARY OF TODAY’S PODCAST Jesus restores the original

NEXT EPISODE: May 22, 2013 – Podcast 37- Stages of grief and the sovereignty of God with R.C. Sproul, Jr.

What are your thoughts about adult children turning away from the faith? Leave your comments below!

Are you a relational ostrich?

What are the hardest things for you to talk about with your family members? What have you found that helps? Share your thoughts below…

Marriage Made in Heaven – an exploration of God’s design for marriage

SUMMARY OF TODAY’S PODCAST Marriage Made in Heaven

NEXT EPISODE: April 24, 2013 – Podcast 33 – The heart of time management, with Loren Pinilis (www.lifeofasteward.com)

What are your thoughts about the balance between career and family? What have you found helpful? Leave your comments below!

Defensiveness sparked a 2 hour conflict with my wife last night…

Defensiveness is as old as time and a very natural human reaction

Defensiveness has been a pain in the side of my marriage for a very long time.

What defensiveness does…

Overcoming defensiveness

And this is the danger-spot…

I’m trusting the LORD to help me kill defensiveness in my own soul.

Will you join me? Let me know how this post speaks to you and what plans you’re making to kill it – use the comments below…

Man and woman: God’s relational masterpiece – podcast episode 30

SUMMARY OF TODAY’S PODCAST Man and Woman: God’s relational masterpiece

NEXT EPISODE: April 10, 2013 – Podcast 31 – A Christian work-life balance w/ General Robert VanAntwerp

What are your thoughts about the relational masterpiece God has made?

SUMMARY OF TODAY’S PODCAST Beyond Ordinary Marriage – a conversation with Justin & Trisha Davis

NEXT EPISODE: April 3, 2013 – Podcast 30 – God’s good creation of male and female

What are your thoughts about God’s purposes for male and female?

You’ve probably heard the saying… “You reap what you sow…”

The phrase was first spoken by the Apostle Paul… he wrote it in his letter to the Galatians, chapter 6, verse 7…

Well, isn’t it true?

You reap what you sow… in both directions…

How does the principle of sowing and reaping apply to…

Do you see how important this principle of sowing and reaping can be?

CALL TO ACTION:

Leave a testimony of what God has done through you as you've stepped out in faith to plant positive seeds in your home!

Building a healthy marriage – Podcast 19 (New Year: New Life)

NEXT EPISODE: January 23, 2013 – Podcast 19 – Wisdom for Christian parents

Leave your thoughts and comments about your spiritual commitments below!

Healthy relationships = erasing the relational slate regularly. What does that mean?

Healthy relationships to target in your home

CALL TO ACTION:

Have you ever had this kind of conversation with your loved ones? Do you mind sharing your story?

Podcast 13: The Marriage First Principle – How to make your marriage matter

NEXT EPISODE: Podcast 14 – Practical tools for applying Deuteronomy 6:4-9

My Couple’s Devotional Book, the Marriage Improvement Project is now available on the Amazon Kindle Store!

Men: Make your marriage healthier by applying the Cleaving Principle

Today I want to highlight one main point the Cleaving Principle teaches:

Here are some ways of looking at this aspect of the Cleaving Principle that may be helpful…

Men, why DON’T you continue to pursue your wife?

Women, tell me what it would do for you if your husband DID continue to pursue you?

Want to become spiritual leader in the home? Start here…

How to become the spiritual leader in the home

What does spiritual leadership look like in your home? Share your ideas…

SUMMARY OF TODAY’S PODCAST
God’s description of a Christian husband

SUMMARY OF TODAY’S PODCAST
Jesus restores the original

SUMMARY OF TODAY’S PODCAST
Marriage Made in Heaven

SUMMARY OF TODAY’S PODCAST
Man and Woman: God’s relational masterpiece

SUMMARY OF TODAY’S PODCAST
Beyond Ordinary Marriage – a conversation with Justin & Trisha Davis