Trust is easily broken… and very difficult to rebuild.

If you’ve been in a relationship for any length of time you know that to be true. It only takes a handful of hurts to cause a boat-load of doubt and mistrust.

Many couples struggle to rebuild or regain trust, which is important. In our marriage intensives we often have to spend a good deal of time addressing issues that have caused trust to be damaged, so that the couple can begin to rebuild it.

Even though rebuilding trust between husband and wife is vital, and needs to happen, the kind of trust in marriage that is most important isn’t THAT kind of trust.

The ability of each spouse to trust God with their marriage is most important.

It doesn’t matter what kind of issues you’re facing:

infidelity
pornography
poor communication
past hurts
childhood wounds
abuse
physical disabilities or illnesses

… every one of them is best handled when each partner in the marriage is able to FIRST trust in the sovereign plan of God in their situation.

Let’s consider an example so you can see what I’m meaning…

After years of misunderstanding or poor communication, couples often get to a point of feeling hopeless. The wife doesn’t feel like her husband really CARES about her and the husband doesn’t believe his wife is really FOR him. She characterizes him as disinterested and he characterizes her as a nag. Neither one is happy. Neither one is fulfilled. Neither one feels like they have the energy to put much more effort into their marriage. They begin to think that the ongoing pain is too much to bear and they’d be better apart than together. Divorce becomes a very real option.

But they’ve forgotten about the key issue: What God is doing in the situation is the most important thing about it.

Most couples who reach this point don’t go there in their thinking.

They often don’t want to go there because it will require them to endure the difficulties instead of seeking to run away from them. I know, marriage problems can be excruciating… which leads me to the main point of this post…

Jesus is our example

Do you know the origin of the word “excruciating?”

It’s from the Latin word excruciare, which means “to crucify.” So something that is excruciating is “a pain like the pain of crucifixion.”

Jesus knows that kind of pain, wouldn’t you say? In fact, Jesus willingly endured that kind of pain because He trusted that His Father’s plan to send Him to the cross, was the best plan. (John 10:18). Jesus trusted His Father even though His plan would entail pain and suffering for Him. Jesus trusted His Father even though His plan would mean that Jesus would be mocked, ridiculed, and falsely accused. Jesus trusted His Father… more than He desired to be free from pain or discomfort. There was more at stake than His own well-being. The Father had a perfect plan…

In the comfort-oriented culture in which we live, the kind of mindset Jesus had is unheard of.

We try to avoid pain. We try to stop it or get out of it once we are experiencing it. We run to divorce court to avoid pain in our marriages.

But Jesus shows us there is another way… a better way that is less about our suffering and more about the will of the Father. Marriage problems definitely CAN be excruciating… and like our LORD Jesus, we are to endure the pain for the greater good the Father has in mind, just like Jesus did when He suffered on the cross (Hebrews 12:2).

What does that mean practically?

It means that our focus has to move away from how untrustworthy our spouse may be, and onto how trustworthy our God is (Psalm 93:5).
It means that we need to remember that with God there are no mistakes (Proverbs 16:33), so the spouse we have is the spouse HE desires for us to have.
It means that we need to submit our will to the will of the Father again and again as we endure the situation (Luke 22:42).
It means that we need to look beyond the pain of the present, seeking the ultimate joy that the Father desires to bring out of it (Hebrews 12:2).
It means that if our marriage includes injustice or mistreatment, we must learn to entrust ourselves and the situation to the Father, the righteous Judge (1 Peter 2:22-23).
It means that we must trust that He knows what He is doing… because HE is God…

Oh, the depth of the riches and wisdom and knowledge of God! How unsearchable are his judgments and how inscrutable his ways! For who has known the mind of the Lord, or who has been his counselor? Or who has given a gift to him that he might be repaid? For from him and through him and to him are all things. To him be glory forever. Amen. – Romans chapter 11, verses 33 through 36

The trust in marriage that really matters is OUR TRUST IN GOD to be the Author of our marriage and the one who is at work to use it for His glorious purposes.