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105 - Why our kids don't date and how we accomplished it - site

Teen Dating: Why our kids do not date (and how we accomplished it)

Posted by Carey 
· Thursday, February 15th, 2018 

Teen dating seems to be the norm… but we’ve decided that our kids will not date until they are 18.

This post is not about dating VS courtship… so you can relax.

This post is about the wisdom (or lack of wisdom) that is inherent in the cultural practice of dating… and what can be done about it in YOUR family.

When my oldest son was very small, my wife and I prayerfully decided that when they reached the teen years, our children would not “date” in the typical sense of the word. Our experiences with dating had not been all that great and we knew there had to be a better way for a Christ-centered family to go about it.

Before I tell you how we accomplished that in a way that all our children have willingly and even joyfully adopted it… let me tell  you WHY we made that decision.

OR – just listen to me explain it on the player below. 🙂

 

Reasons we didn’t want our teens to date

#1 – “Pairing up” as couples is for the purpose of heading toward marriage

We really believe that.

Think it through with me for a minute… at what age is a young man or young woman actually READY to be seriously heading toward marriage? Twelve? Sixteen? Eighteen? What do YOU think?

You absolutely MUST answer that question well if you are going to think about this issue well.

When we allow eleven or twelve year olds… or fifteen and sixteen year olds for that matter, to pair up – it’s premature.

They are not yet of marrying age, so why would we allow them into a context where everything is heading toward marriage? They aren’t ready for it… so it’s foolish to allow it.

We can talk about it in ways that prepare them for what’s ahead… and we should. But we don’t have to thrown them into dating in order for them to learn about it.

There’s no other reason for a young man and young woman to pair up.

Yes, they learn a lot by dating.

Yes, they are forced to handle things like misunderstanding, hurt, etc.

Yes, dating enables teens to be affirmed and encouraged.

BUT… to us those are minor benefits that come in a context of a WHOLE LOT of problems – problems that are not yet ready to handle.

 

#2 – Romantic relationships require a tremendous amount of maturity and emotional self-control in order to be healthy

teen dating is often a huge waste of time

Teen dating is often a huge waste of time because the teens in question simply aren’t mature enough to handle it or learn from it well.

Even adults have a hard time handling the emotions that come with a committed relationship.

There are vital, mature skills needed in order to make a one-on-one relationship like dating work – things like deep communication, consideration of others, insight into human nature, commitment to high moral standards, etc.

How many pre-teen or teen-aged kids do you know who have those skills? How many adults?

Why would we put our children/teens into a relationship for which they are not prepared? When we do, failure is the only logical outcome… as well as pain that doesn’t need to happen.

Instead of putting them in the dating meat-grinder, why don’t we use the time to build good character into them?

Why don’t we help them learn how to think biblically and maturely about marriage, relationships, and family?

I think that goes a lot farther than the dating alternative.

 

#3 Dating places far too much sexual temptation on the soul of a child who is not ready to bear it.

Our culture sexualizes everything… dating most of all.

From the moment a couple pairs up the pressure is on to hold hands, get physically close, kiss, touch each other’s bodies, and everything that naturally follows.

We believe it’s unhealthy and unwise to put children in that context. Yes, even teenagers.

Here are some questions for you to consider:

  • Is this child ready for the responsibility of their own child?
  • Is this couple ready for the responsibility of a family?

If not… dating is a bad idea. Teens aren’t ready for it yet.

 

#4 – Dating encourages emotionalism that can easily cloud sound, godly judgment.

Every Christian parent wants their child to marry a person who loves Jesus.

Every Christian parent wants that “other person’s” personal walk with Christ to be a positive influence on their child.

But how many times does that happen in the normal teen dating scene? Very seldom.

Here’s an example of what happens instead:

  • A young lady is allowed to get involved with a young man who is not all that the parents hope.
  • He’s probably not even all the the young lady hoped… but he’s paying attention to her, saying sweet nothings, making her feel special… and it’s hard for her to think about all the things he’s not.
  • She feels too many warm fuzzies being around him to let herself consider such logical matters.

This scene could happen with a young man just as easily as a young woman. I’ve seen it in counseling and pastoral ministry countless times.

What has happened? There isn’t enough spiritual and emotional maturity developed yet… they don’t have a chance of stepping back, considering reality, and making a godly decision… especially in a culture that tells them relationships of this type are all about the feelings.

Dating sets that up for teens… makes it the most likely outcome.

That’s dangerous, and we don’t want any part of it.

 

Those are some of the more vital reasons we decided that our children would not date as teens.

To us, it seemed like inviting a hungry lion into our sheepfold… and we wanted our little lambs to live to see the day they had the opportunity to raise their own little flock.

 

How did we accomplish our children happily not dating?

It’s not as hard as you might think… unless you’ve waited too long to get started.

#1 – We started young

When our children were old enough to understand that there were such things as girls and boys, we began talking about the wonderful differences God created in male and female.

We began explaining the way a man and woman come together in marriage to create a family. We began telling them how much the LORD loves marriage.

Then we began talking about how a man and woman come to be in love, how they have to be mature, healthy, and grown-up enough to love and take care of the needs of another person.

We’d even talk about how far our children were from being ready for that responsibility.

That’s not criticizing our kids or giving them a reason to feel insecure. It’s teaching them humility and a right perspective of their need for God.

Without fail, they saw it as clearly as we did and had no desire to have a boyfriend or girlfriend, no matter how “cute” it might be at a young age.

 

Teen dating - wise guidance of your kids

 

#2 – We continued the conversation

When our kids were eight, nine, ten, and eleven, we began talking about dating itself… mostly through discussing what we observed going on around them.

We pointed out teen couples and asked our children what they thought.

We asked them if they thought it was wise for a couple who is not old enough or mature enough to get married, to pair up like that.

Without hesitation, they said, “No.”

They saw for themselves that teen dating is a silly thing.

But go back to point #1 – that’s where those opinions were formed.

 

#3 – We introduced our plan

Before we started talking about dating-alternatives, we first talked about what it takes to be a good companion.

Maturity, selflessness, wisdom, self-control, willingness to serve, desire to care for another person.

We helped our children see that before they’d be ready to pair up, they’d need to be well on their way in those and other areas.

From there, we told them that we did not think it was wise for them to date at all until they were of an age that they could “do something about it” (get married) if they wanted to and the right person was on the scene.

They saw it the same way and agreed to it, no problem.

But again… Step #1 was the groundwork for those decisions. Our kids didn’t come to those conclusions overnight.

 

#4 – We watched carefully and continued to talk

All of our discussion and planning didn’t prevent crushes and puppy-love from showing up in our home.

It wasn’t long before one of our kids got asked out or was invited to be somebody’s girlfriend or boyfriend.

Let me pause here to say this… if you’ve not been consistently pursuing your children with good communication up until this point, this is where they may try to hide things from you.

If so, you’re in for it. Just know that. Be humble. Love them well. Work to show them how much you are FOR THEM.

For those who haven’t reached that point yet, understand this:

The early years of your relationship with your children establish healthy groundwork for the teen years. You have GOT to work at developing closeness with your children all the way along.

Don’t wait until the teen years and then expect that you’re going to be able to pull off a healthy dating policy. You’ll get serious push-back.

 

So, back to my description…

We didn’t allow the crushes and invitations from potential significant others to go underground. We talked about them.

We asked the child what they liked about the person. We asked if they felt warm inside or happy inside when they were with them. We wanted our kids to know that we  understood what they were feeling.

But we also asked them again if they were ready for marriage. We asked them if they were ready to love that other person the way that a committed relationship requires.

This helped them see that what they were feeling was only feelings… not a true gauge of their readiness.

Then we’d remind them… “This is why we decided that you wouldn’t date… remember?” They did… and we’d move ahead in unity.

And we continued to talk, almost daily, as long as we knew the feelings of attraction were still there.

Typically it wasn’t long until the feelings went away and they were once again happily non-dating teens.

It was kind of funny… by the time our kids were fourteen or fifteen, they were saying to us and others (with great conviction) the very things we’d said to them about dating.

 

What happened when they were old enough to date?

The story has been told many times already about what happened when my oldest son met his future wife.

He was 19 at the time, and had been going to a weekly western dance at a camp near where we live because one of his friend’s dads ran the thing. One Thursday evening when he and his sister (two years younger) were getting ready, she said, in our hearing, “Aaron, did you tell Mom and Dad about Hannah?”

You’d better believe we stepped through that door…

He told us about this cute red-head he’d met the week before, but he didn’t seem as excited as I expected. So I asked him, “Do you like her? Do you think she might be a person you would marry?”

He said, “Yeah, maybe.”

That’s when I said the infamous phrase he’s repeated many times…

“What are you going to do about it?”

He said that’s when he realized that I thought he was ready. It mattered to him that I thought he was mature enough to pursue a loving relationship with a young woman… and that he’d do well at it.

And he has.DSC_0240_edited-1

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Categories : Parenting, Podcast
Tags : dating, marriage, why my kids don't date
Rebuild marital trust

How to rebuild marital trust

Posted by Carey 
· Friday, March 25th, 2016 

If you’re wondering how to build marital trust, it’s really pretty simple.

You’ve got to learn how to be entirely open with each other.

Yes, I know it’s hard. It’s worse than hard – it’s almost impossible.

But you’ve GOT to learn it if you’re going to build trust the way it is SUPPOSED to be in marriage.

Here’s an example for you…

One of the most devastating examples of broken trust in marriage is in the case of adultery.

What was once a naive trust on the part of the offended partner is jerked into reality with the delicacy of a train wreck.

Why do I call it “naive trust?” Because that’s what it is… trust based on assumptions and expectations – not on the reality of what’s going on in the offending spouse’s heart.

But if both partners had been committed to actively maintaining open, honest, entirely transparent communication between each other the marital trust would have been protected through loving accountability.

But that’s not what normally happens in marriages these days.

Partners rely on the assumption and expectation of faithfulness – which is valid to do. After all, he/she made a vow to be faithful, right? Yes, but vows have to be carried out in real life, and real life doesn’t play nice. The best of intentions can be derailed in an unguarded moment – just ask Simon Peter.

And if that unguarded moment comes to a husband or wife who’s already withholding things from his/her spouse – there’s no context of accountability that exists, no obvious reminder of the vows that have been made.

So what am I advocating? That couples build marital trust by telling each other EVERYTHING.

Yes, everything.

In every situation.

All the time.

I mean, think it through…

What does it mean to “be one” in marriage if things are intentionally withheld? Nothing. It’s a nice sounding phrase without truth beneath it.

The couple is deceiving themselves and each other, thinking they are closer, more secure in their relationship than they really are.

And the train wreck will come.

It may not be adultery… it could be abandonment, or a sudden divorce, or increasing distance that results in separate lives.

Whatever it is, it’s coming – simply because the couple is not actively working to prevent it.

It really is that simple.

Steps to building marital trust.

1 Confess and repent.

You’ve got to start over, to clean the slate and begin again.

That process starts with confession of what you’ve done wrong (lack of openness?) and turning toward what you know is right (honesty and transparency in all things).

  • Read this blog post together.
  • Let it spark an open discussion.
  • Assess where you are and repent together.
  • Ask God for His help and wisdom as you chart a new course.

2 Make a newfound commitment to openness.

Talk about why you haven’t been entirely honest with each other up to this point in your marriage. Be honest 😉

Is it because of…

  • Insecurity?
  • Fear?
  • Bitterness?
  • Resentment?
  • Habit?
  • Laziness?
  • Busy-ness?
  • Foolishness?
  • A combination of these?

Each of you may have different reasons that have combined to make things what they are.

Commit together that things are going to change and that your marriage is going to become healthier as a result.

If you don’t begin thinking in that direction together, who will?

3 Be intentional about your decision.

If you don’t determine a course of action, you’ll naturally drift back into the habits of non-communication you have been stuck in.

Plan your time together. I recommend daily.

You need to regularly know the pulse of each other’s souls in order to live as “one.”

You need to feel confident that there’s nothing hidden in your partner’s heart.

THAT is what loving accountability is… the comfort of knowing that someone who loves you knows everything – and will help you stay on track.

Grab a tool to help you get started. A study or book that provokes conversation is a good place to begin.

4 Fight to build the new habit.

Commitments and good intentions are great but they don’t last very long.

You’re going to hit a point where you are tugged back into the rut you’ve been in.

It’s at that point that you have to kill the things that threaten your commitment.

It will be hard.

You will have to fight.

But it’s worth it.

And with God’s help you will begin to see marital trust rise to new levels.

That’s my prayer for you. That’s what I know the LORD Himself desires for you.

What is the first step you need to take in order to address this issue – right now? Go do it.

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Categories : Marriage
Tags : couples, honesty, marital trust, marriage, openness, partner, rebuild trust, spouse, transparency, trust in marriage, trust my spouse
wife's role in marriage

Podcast 45 – The wife’s role in marriage

Posted by Carey 
· Wednesday, July 17th, 2013 

Today’s Speaker:

Carey GreenCarey Green

REVIEW ON I-TUNES

SUMMARY OF TODAY’S PODCAST
The wife’s role in marriage


There has been a huge movement over the past few decades to completely level the playing field between men and women. In many ways it’s been a good thing. But one of the extremes that has come out of that desire has been an attempt to diminish and downplay any and every difference between men and women. But biology alone tells us, men and women are NOT the same. We’d be wise not to expect them to be. And we want to be careful also that we take into account what the LORD says in the scriptures about the way He has designed men and women. He made them each in His image, but different, as male and female. With those design differences come differences in roles, and each is to maximize his or her role within the marriage relationship. In this episode of the podcast I’ll be walking you through what the Bible says about a woman’s role in marriage. I think you’ll be helped by what God has told us, and you’ll likely be challenged to change your thinking and your behavior in order to bring your life into line with God’s desires.

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Categories : Marriage, Podcast
Tags : did God make the woman a helper, marriage, marriage and wives, wife in marriage, Wife's role in marriage, woman is a helper
God's design for Christian Marriage

Podcast 43: God’s description of a Christian Husband

Posted by Carey 
· Wednesday, July 3rd, 2013 

Today’s Guest:

Carey Green
founder, Christian Home and Family

REVIEW ON I-TUNES

SUMMARY OF TODAY’S PODCAST
God’s description of a Christian husband


The world is filled with ideas of what a man should be. When it comes to being a husband we can find even more expectations and examples of what makes a “good man” for a woman to find. But doesn’t it make sense to find out what God says a Christian husband should be? This episode is a continuation of a previous episode where I dive deeply into what the scriptures say about what a Godly, Christian husband should be. Men… don’t shy away from what God says. His empowerings are His enablings. Young women, don’t settle for anything less… the LORD will bless you as you wait on Him.

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Links & Resources mentioned in this podcast:

  • The Marriage Improvement Project

SUBSCRIBE TO THE CHRISTIAN HOME AND FAMILY PODCAST

Christian Home and Family subscribe on Stitcher! Miro Video Player listen on player.fm

Or if you are using a “podcatcher” here is the feed address: https://christianhomeandfamily.com/feed/podcast/

LEAVE FEEDBACK AND A REVIEW ON I-TUNES

 

NEXT EPISODE: July 10, 2013 – Podcast 44- Christian books, Christian Classics, and the Christian family with Luke Wilson

Meat & Potatoes by Adam ReyThe main music track used in the Christian Home and Family Podcast is entitled, “Midian” and is from Adam Rey’s instrumental album Meat & Potatoes – Adam has generously given me permission to use his music, so please, support his generosity by checking out and purchasing his music at www.heyreyguitar.com – (no affiliate relationship, Adam’s just my friend.)

** these are affiliate links

 

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Categories : Marriage, Podcast
Tags : biblical husband, biblical manhood, Christian husband, Christian man, Christian marriage, how to be a better husband, how to encourage your husband, marriage, what the bible says about husbands
stages of grief and the soveriengty of God - with R.C. Sproul, Jr.

Podcast 37: Stages of grief and the sovereignty of God, a conversation with R.C. Sproul, Jr.

Posted by Carey 
· Wednesday, May 22nd, 2013 

Stages of grief and the sovereignty of God – a conversation with R.C. Sproul, Jr.

Today’s Guest:

R.C. Sproul, Jr.

R.C. Sproul, Jr.

SUMMARY OF TODAY’S PODCAST
Stages of grief and the sovereignty of God


For Christians and non-Christians alike, the loss of a loved one can be a devastating thing, and fear of it can be paralyzing. How does a person live as a grieving person in an authentic way, while at the same time living faithfully and fully for the sake of their LORD Jesus? In this conversation I had the opportunity to ask those questions of R.C. Sproul, Jr. In the past year R.C. has lost his wife and one of his children and speaks very openly and genuinely about the grief he is experiencing, the process he’s been going through, and the rock-solid theology that has held him up all along the way. You won’t want to miss this episode!

RESOURCES RELATING TO THIS EPISODE:

  • R.C.’s website – http://rcsprouljr.com/
  • The compass weekend for young men

SUBSCRIBE TO THE CHRISTIAN HOME AND FAMILY PODCAST

Christian Home and Family subscribe on Stitcher! Miro Video Player listen on player.fm

Or if you are using a “podcatcher” here is the feed address: https://christianhomeandfamily.com/feed/podcast/

LEAVE FEEDBACK AND A REVIEW ON I-TUNES

 

NEXT EPISODE: May 29, 2013 – Podcast 38- Gender roles in marriage

Meat & Potatoes by Adam ReyThe main music track used in the Christian Home and Family Podcast is entitled, “Midian” and is from Adam Rey’s instrumental album Meat & Potatoes – Adam has generously given me permission to use his music, so please, support his generosity by checking out and purchasing his music at www.heyreyguitar.com – (no affiliate relationship, Adam’s just my friend.)

** these are affiliate links

 

 

Share your stories about grief and the sovereignty of God. Leave your comments below!

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Categories : Marriage, Podcast, Spirit Health
Tags : grief, loss, marriage, r.c. sproul jr., sovereignty of God in suffering, suffering
defensiveness

My defensiveness is destroying my family

Posted by Carey 
· Friday, April 5th, 2013 

Defensiveness sparked a 2 hour conflict with my wife last night…

It was a sadly typical scene.

Like many times before, she picked up on a critical, negative attitude I had toward one of the children, and she was boldly kind enough to talk to me about it.

I immediately began defending myself.

  • I built a case to justify my behavior.
  • I tried to convince her that she was seeing the situation all wrong.
  • I accused her of being over-sensitive when it came to the kids (which is a terrible thing to say to a mother).
  • I tried to turn it into an issue of “perceptions” instead of addressing the actual concerns she had.
  • I tried to point out inconsistencies I saw in her reasoning (diversionary tactics).

And two hours later we sat on opposite ends of the bed looking at each other…

defensiveness

distant,

disunified,

discouraged,

and stuck.

And it was all because of my defensiveness.

Defensiveness is as old as time and a very natural human reaction

Defensiveness was the first reaction Adam had when God asked him about what had gone wrong in the garden (Genesis 3:12).

It was Cain’s first response when asked about his “missing brother” (Genesis 4:9).

The Proverbs warn about defensiveness (Proverbs 28:26).

It’s almost as old as time, and seems to be one of Satan’s favorite tools.

And it’s been my most common reaction to criticism I’ve received from my wife, for almost 24 years of marriage.

And I hate it.

Defensiveness has been a pain in the side of my marriage for a very long time.

I don’t think my wife has a defensive bone in her body.

The problem with defensiveness in our marriage is and always has been with me.

Any time she talks to me about:

  • How I relate to people,
  • How I’m meeting/not meeting her needs,
  • How I’m relating to the children,
  • How my tone of voice and body language impacts people,
  • Something I wrote on this blog,
  • Something I recorded on the podcast,

I almost immediately get defensive.

And it’s a very shameful, destructive, unbecoming thing that will destroy my family… unless I do something about it.

What defensiveness does…

  • It stops healthy communication almost immediately,
  • It causes my wife and kids to become fearful of how I’m going to respond,
  • It camoflages my insecurities behind inappropriate self-defined labels,
  • It throws the unity my marriage relationship into a tailspin, which is not always easy to recover from,
  • It blocks me from much-needed changes I need to make, in attitude and behavior,
  • It puts a distance between me and my kids… which is the opposite of what I really want,
  • It frustrates my wife to no end.

Does  any of that sound familiar?

Overcoming defensiveness

I’m on the very front-end of this journey into killing defensiveness.

But the marriage-long struggle has forced me to take a long, introspective look into my own soul so that the destructive cycle of defensiveness doesn’t continue to knock us for a loop.

 I have discovered a few things that are beginning to make a difference.

#1: Admit that my initial response is often defensive – Like any other wrong that needs to be righted, if I can’t admit it exists, I’m unable to do anything about it.

#2: Admit that my defensiveness is destructive, and sinful – This is calling it what it is… seeing it from God’s perspective. When I can admit what HE thinks about it, then I’m in a place where true grief over my sin can begin to do it’s very good work (2 Corinthians 7:10).

#3: Get humble – Defensiveness is ultimately born out of pride, so the antidote is not to try harder or make resolutions (not yet, anyway). The cure is in humility, Christ-like humility (Philippians 2:3-5). It’s only then that I have any hope of receiving God’s help (James 4:6).

#4: Plead for God’s help – I can’t change my defensiveness all on my own. I know, I’ve tried. If change for the better is going to happen, I am going to have to have His help to accomplish it.

#5: Make a plan in keeping with my repentance & put it to work – Jesus told the Pharisees to prove their genuineness by doing actions that were consistent with their words (Matthew 3:8). It’s not enough for me to say “sorry” and move on. Something has to change, or else I’m not truly repentant.

And this is the danger-spot…

I could move ahead full steam, full of great intentions, devoid of any power but my own… which won’t get me very far.

I will have to abide in Him (John 15:5) and rely on His strength to help me overcome the destructive response-habits of defensiveness that I’ve built… because they are:

  • very deeply rooted,
  • almost invisible to me,
  • things that come naturally (no matter how wrong),
  • comfortable, and therefore seem “right,”

and are therefore impossible for me to find, attack, and destroy on my own.

I know, because I’ve tried to do that for the past 24 years… and the defensiveness is still here, bringing devastation every time it arises.

I’m trusting the LORD to help me kill defensiveness in my own soul.

Will you join me? Let me know how this post speaks to you and what plans you’re making to kill it – use the comments below…

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Categories : Marriage, Parenting
Tags : Christian marriage, communication, defensive, defensiveness, marriage, overcoming defensiveness
communication in marriage

Podcast 24: Communication in marriage

Posted by Carey 
· Wednesday, February 20th, 2013 

SUBSCRIBE TO THE CHRISTIAN HOME AND FAMILY PODCAST

Christian Home and Family subscribe on Stitcher! Miro Video Player listen on player.fm

Or if you are using a “podcatcher” here is the feed address: https://christianhomeandfamily.com/feed/podcast/

Today’s Presenters:communication in marriage

Carey & Mindi Green
Christian Home and Family

SUMMARY OF TODAY’S PODCAST
Communication in Marriage


Part 1 of the Christian Home and Family strategy is to help you in getting your own spiritual walk on track. Part 2 is helping you get your marriage relationship solid and healthy. This podcast episode falls squarely in that #2 category.

Communication in marriage is what Mindi and I refer to as “Priority #2” (can you guess why?). Learning to talk to each other in healthy, beneficial ways is what makes the difference between an average or struggling marriage and a truly great one. Communication is where you get to know each other, learn to love each other, and truly become unified in your relationship. That is the kind of marriage the LORD delights to use, and will use for His glory.

Come along as Mindi and I talk about:

  • the important role communication plays in your marriage
  • what happens when communication is sporadic or non-existent
  • how to go about establishing “priority #2” in your marriage
  • the attitudes behind good communication in marriage
  • what good communication looks like (what do you talk about?)
  • how to handle disagreements and arguments
  • how to move ahead in a healthier way if your communication in marriage has been weak
  • how to know if you need to get some outside help

I always enjoy talking with my bride, and this episode was no different. She’s a fount of wisdom on these kinds of issues, and I hope you’ll enjoy what the two of us were able to uncover.

Links & Resources mentioned in this podcast:

  • Covenant Eyes (affiliate link*)
  • My Compass Weekend for Young Men
  • Christian Home and Family Marriage Intensives
  • Communication, Key to Your Marriage – H. Norman Wright (affiliate link*)
  • WIN THE BOOK – Organic Outreach for Families!

organic outreach for families

* These resources are affiliate links – you pay the same price, but part of your purchase goes to support the ministry of Christian Home and Family. Thanks!

A couple of brief reminders:

  • The Compass Weekend for young men has undergone a date-change –  June 20, 21, 22 of 2013, in Buena Vista, Colorado. I’m only allowing 8 young men at a time to be a part of this event, to keep the interaction genuine and relevant. If you are interested or want to pass the information along to someone you know, please check out the Compass page on the website.
  • My new spiritual growth curriculum for individuals or groups – NEW LIFE IS NO JOKE
  • My new couple’s marriage devotional – in 3 formats – THE MARRIAGE IMPROVEMENT PROJECT
  • You are invited to prayerfully consider partnering with Christian Home and Family.

NEXT EPISODE: February 27th, 2013 – Podcast 25 – The 4/14 family movement.

Meat & Potatoes by Adam ReyThe main music track used in the Christian Home and Family Podcast is entitled, “Midian” and is from Adam Rey’s instrumental album Meat & Potatoes – Adam has generously given me permission to use his music, so please, support his generosity by checking out and purchasing his music at www.heyreyguitar.com – (no affiliate relationship, Adam’s just my friend.)

Also, the “resources” music track is from the www.musicrevoluation.com site.

SUBSCRIBE TO THE CHRISTIAN HOME AND FAMILY PODCAST

Christian Home and Family subscribe on Stitcher! Miro Video Player listen on player.fm

Or if you are using a “podcatcher” here is the feed address: https://christianhomeandfamily.com/feed/podcast/

LEAVE FEEDBACK AND A REVIEW ON I-TUNES

Leave your thoughts and comments about communication in your marriage!

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Categories : Marriage, Podcast
Tags : communication, communication in marriage, marriage, marriage help, marriage intensives
help your husband pursue you

Help your husband pursue you

Posted by Carey 
· Friday, November 30th, 2012 

Wives: There may be a reason your husband doesn’t persist in pursuing you…

Earlier I wrote about the biblical instruction for husbands to pursue their wives.

It’s needed. It’s commanded. Men, you should work hard to do it.

But ladies, sometimes your husband may not persist in pursuing you because you don’t let him.

You may think that is an odd thing to say, but think about it.

The husband can have an “Ah-ha!” moment and realize that he does need to consistently chase after you out of love. He can even begin coming up with ways to do that.

But if you are resistant to your husband’s pursuit, he’ll become discouraged and give up altogether.

What are some reasons you may resist your husband’s pursuit of you?

help your husband pursue you

 

Hurt or Resentment

If you feel hurt or resentful that it’s taken your husband this long to pursue you, that could make you less willing to receive his pursuit. Even though he may have changed his attitude about the issue now, the hurts from the past don’t automatically go away.

What should you do if that’s the case?

  • You need to talk it out, and work toward biblical forgiveness.
  • Husband – genuinely repent to your wife; ask her forgiveness. Confess every place where you see you’ve not pursued her as you should.
  • Wife, receive his confession and extend forgiveness.
[dropshadowbox align=”right” effect=”lifted-both” width=”250px” height=”” background_color=”#f6f80c” border_width=”1″ border_color=”#dddddd” ]LADIES: Sometimes your husband doesn’t persist in pursuing you because you don’t let him. – TWEET THIS[/dropshadowbox]It’s harder than it sounds. You may need to get help from a mature believer who can help you resolve conflicts and pursue biblical forgiveness.

One other important thing for the wife: ask the LORD to help you see your husband in light of the changes taking place in his heart. At some point, you’re gonna’ need to give him a chance to prove his new-found commitment in practical ways, in spite of how you feel

Fear

You might resist your husband’s well intentioned attempts at pursuing you because you are afraid. What are you afraid of? Maybe he  has tried something like this before and didn’t follow through. You got your hopes up, only to have them dashed.

What should be done?

  • Remember that your faith is ultimately in the LORD, not in your husband.
  • Trust the LORD by giving your husband a chance.
  • Trust the LORD to work in and through your husband for your good.
  • As you learn to trust the LORD, He will enable you to trust your husband, a little bit at a time.

encourage your husband to pursue you - the MIP can help!This post is an excerpt from my book, “The Marriage Improvement Project” – it’s a couple’s devotional with daily discussion questions to help you improve your marriage together!

Marriage Imrpovmenet Project Book Marriage Improvement Project Kindle Book

Paperback copy
Kindle Version

Other helpful tips toward encouraging your husband in this area…

  • Make a point of noticing his efforts, and thanking him for making his commitment toward you practical. All of us are motivated to consistency when we know that our efforts are being noticed!
  • Don’t cut down or make fun of his efforts at chasing after you, either in private or in public. Your husband is doing his best to pursue you, just as Christ pursues His church. Be thankful!
  • If your husband begins to slack off, don’t be afraid to mention it to him, but do so privately and in an encouraging way. For example, you might say, “I know that in your heart you have determined to pursue me more diligently, and I want to encourage you not to give up.”

Finally, if the two of you find some sort of “blockage” with this principle that you can’t seem to get around, ask a mature believer or your Pastor for help in determining how you can get around it.

I’m always available to help with these and other issues. Video technology makes it not only possible, but very effective. Don’t hesitate to contact me.

Husbands… do you owe your wife a heart-felt apology for slacking off?

Wives… do you need to put your faith in the LORD instead of your husband?

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Categories : Marriage
Tags : encouraging your husband, encouraging your spouse, marriage, marriage help, marriage tips, save my marriage, your husband
the mission of christian home and family

What is the purpose of your life? – If you’re a parent… here’s part of the answer.

Posted by Carey 
· Wednesday, October 3rd, 2012 

What is the purpose of your life?

what is the purpose of your lifeSeriously, I want to know. But more importantly, I want YOU to know.

Too many of us float through life… and that’s NOT a good plan. Take this quick self-assessment… do you…

  • Feel like circumstances are determining your course of life?
  • Live day to day without much of a plan for what YOU are all about?
  • Feeling directionless?
If you answered “YES” to any or all of these, you are probably floating through life. I know because I did it for quite a while myself. If it weren’t for the LORD graciously giving me a wife who wouldn’t settle for it, I’d still be there. Maybe I can serve you in the same way she served me… by giving you a push in a more purposeful direction.

Nothing special about me

I’m no different than you. I wasn’t born knowing why I am here. I’ve struggled to answer the question for myself. But there are some very simple, easy-to-understand facts that the LORD has shown me over the years that have stoked my eagerness to find the purpose of my life. I’ll list them in a way that applies to you:

  • God makes no mistakes… and He put you on this planet.
  • God does not do random. That means you are here for a purpose – God’s purpose.
  • So it makes sense for you to spend some time figuring out His purpose for your life.

I can’t tell you God’s purpose for your life… at least not entirely. But I can tell you one thing I know for certain…

If you are a parent… part of God’s purpose for you is to be radically in love with Him, and to pass that faith along to your children.

Here’s the story of how God revealed that truth to me…

One of the only “words from the Lord” I’ve ever received

aspen ridgeWhen Mindi and I first married, I knew that I wanted my life to matter for the sake of Jesus, but I didn’t know much about how to put that desire into action. But I had to do something, so I did. I pursued a youth ministry degree at Colorado Christian University. I graduated and immediately set about lo0king for a full time youth pastor gig. My assumption was that I’d settle down with my new bride, and that would be that. But God had another purpose for my life… and it had little to do with my career path. Through a series of painful disappointments I came to see that.

I’ll never forget the most difficult of those disappointments. I was in the final stages of interviewing with the very church where I’d served as part time Jr. High Director for 3 1/2 years. They were needing a full time Directory of Student Ministries and it was down to me and one other guy, a guy nobody in the church even knew. I was certain it was God’s plan for me to have the job. It seemed obvious.

I knew when the search team would be meeting for the final time to make their decision, and I was at home, eagerly awaiting their call that evening. I was with my wife, 2 1/2 year old son, and baby daughter. We were all eager to get the good news so that we could begin making plans.

Around 9:30 in the evening, the phone rang. It was the mother of one of my Jr. High students. She had served on the search team and was calling with the news. They chose the other guy.

I was devastated.

After the initial shock wore off, I left my wife crying in the living room as I went out for a walk in the dark. I didn’t understand why God would allow me to go through so many of these experiences (this was the 3rd situation where I was one of 2 final candidates). I was sure my heart was right, that I was pure in my motives, and yet this kept happening. How could the LORD do this?

I’m embarrassed to say it, but I threw a temper tantrum that night. Walking around the neighborhood I screamed and yelled – at God. My disappointment and pain were greater than I had ever experienced, and I didn’t know how to handle it. I don’t know how long it was before the chilly Colorado air began to numb my fingers, but that’s about when I ran out of steam and decided to head home. As I turned the corner toward our house, it happened. The LORD spoke to me – clearly – unmistakeably.

the mission of christian home and family

photo – tableatny on flickr

“It’s not about you. It’s about your son.”

Those words broke through my pain… and I clearly saw a reality I’d not seen before. As a Christian man, a Christian father, I bear an incredible weight of responsibility. I am the head of my home. On a very significant level I am responsible before God for the spiritual vitality of every person in my family. The purpose of my life is not about the job I have, or the car I drive, or the money in my bank account, or the success and praise I may achieve or receive. My purpose in life is to radically love and serve my Savior, and to establish a home where my children’s hearts are developed to do the same.

If you are a Christian parent, that’s your life’s purpose too (or at least part of it)

How can you increase your conviction about this mission in YOUR family?

How can I help you to be more successful at it?

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Categories : Parenting
Tags : Christian marriage, Christian parenting, goals, marriage, mission, parenting, purpose of your life, tips, vision
premarital counseling

Podcast 6: The Bible blueprint for marriage

Posted by Carey 
· Monday, September 17th, 2012 

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Christian Home and Family subscribe on Stitcher! Miro Video Player listen on player.fm

EPISODE #6

The Bible Blueprint for a biblical Marriage

Presenting the message:

CAREY GREEN
founder Christian Home and Family

SUMMARY OF TODAY’S PODCAST

A sermon presented at Community Church of Leadville, Colorado – the church where Carey serves as Pastor (as of this posting).

This message was presented as part of a Expository series of messages through the Epistle to the Ephesians. The series was entitled “IF/THEN” – referring to the reality that IF a person is a believer in Jesus Christ, THEN they have been transformed and certain changes should happen in the way they live. This message came in the “THEN” portion of the study, Ephesians 5:21-33. The message covers some of the New Testament teaching on roles and responsibilities of Christian husbands and wives, that will enable them to build a biblical marriage.

Links mentioned in this podcast:

  • Community Church of Leadville, CO
  • My contact page (to support Christian Home and Family through purchases you already make).

 

Meat & Potatoes by Adam ReyThe music track used in the Christian Home and Family Podcast is entitled, “Midian” and is from Adam Rey’s instrumental album Meat & Potatoes –  Adam has generously given me permission to use his music, so please, support his generosity by checking out and purchasing his music at www.heyreyguitar.com – (no affiliate relationship, Adam’s just my friend.)

 

SUBSCRIBE TO THE CHRISTIAN HOME AND FAMILY PODCAST

Christian Home and Family subscribe on Stitcher! Miro Video Player listen on player.fm
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Categories : Marriage, Podcast
Tags : Christian family, Christian home, Christian marriage, Christian parenting, ephesians 5:21-33, marriage, marriage counseling, marriage help, podcast, sermon, teaching on marriage

Pressing on – in life, marriage, and parenting

Posted by Carey 
· Monday, August 13th, 2012 

Pressing on in life marriage, and parenting

A few weeks back 3 of the kids and I went on a group hike up Mt. Elbert, the highest peak in Colorado and the 2nd highest peak in the contiguous United States. We rose at 3:30 A.M. so we could reach the trail head by 5 A.M. We were trying to avoid afternoon rain showers.

It was a beautiful day and we enjoyed the time with friends and the gorgeous creation of our LORD. By 9 A.M. we were close to tree line, and by 11 A.M. we were well up the shoulder of the mountain. But for us (me) who had never done this sort of thing, it was a hard climb. Really hard (even though Elbert is not one of the more difficult mountains). At one point, we climbed a section of rock that was so steep I could hold my arm straight out in front of me and touch the trail I was ascending. We worked our way up, step by step, until we reached the summit. But it was a false summit. The GPS on my Droid showed that we still had over 580 vertical feet to go… so we kept pressing on.

Many things went through my mind that day as my legs ached and my back complained (I was carrying the backpack with survival gear for the 4 of us). One of the most frequent was that I didn’t really need to make it all the way to the top… it wasn’t really THAT important. Probably true, but I felt a catch in my spirit about stopping. Melinda (almost 19) was ahead with a group of her friends.  Faith (9 years old) was with her… her hunter orange hat making her easy to spot. And Caleb (my 12 year old son) was right behind me. I considered the lessons they’d learn about perseverance, pushing through pain and emotion, and having the opportunity to accomplish something that many others never do. Those wouldn’t be learned as well if Dad bailed out before the end. So I kept pressing on.

We made it all 14,433 feet to the top. It was great. After 40 minutes for lunch and a few photos we headed down.

Down.

Did you know that you use an entirely different set of muscles descending than you do ascending? It hurts.  My toes were constantly sliding down to the front of my shoes (blisters). I rediscovered a knee injury from 20 years ago. I seriously stubbed my toe on a tree stump sticking out of the path. But there was no other choice, I kept pressing on.

It was a great and miserable experience, all at the same time. One I probably won’t do again. But it served me well as a modern parable.

What lessons did I learn?

  • Life (parenting, marriage, work) requires perseverance, even when difficulty is present or on the horizon (James 1:12).
  • There are others counting on you and looking to you, even if you don’t think so.
  • Being intentional as a leader (parent, head of the household) requires you to think through the impact your decisions will have on those you lead.
  • In God’s sovereign plan, sometimes you don’t have a choice but to keep pressing on – and in such cases, we must learn to trust that He knows what He’s doing.
  • Often, after the hard work of perseverance is completed, the view is worth it all.

pressing on

pressing on

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Categories : Marriage, Parenting
Tags : Christian family, Christian home, Christian marriage, Christian parenting, godly parenting, lessons for kids, life goals, life lessons, marriage, parenting help, perseverance in marriage, pressing on in life, teaching your children
communication in marriage

Is your wife SAFE with you?

Posted by Carey 
· Tuesday, July 31st, 2012 

is your wife safe with youIt may sound like a silly question, but I’m not joking… because God doesn’t joke about the way Christian husbands are to love their wives. You and I are to love our wives in a way that reflects the love that Jesus has for His bride, the church (Ephesians 5:25).

In our first years of marriage the LORD used that truth to hammer me… hard. I can recall innumerable times when He confronted me with my own insensitivity to the person I loved the most (my wife).  I remember His Spirit taking me back to Ephesians 5:25, asking me, “Where is the love in how you are treating her?” I discovered that if I am not intentionally aiming at Christ-like love toward her, I will naturally cause her to feel “unsafe” with me.

So… I ask you, “Is your wife SAFE with you?”  Here’s a “checklist” to help you evaluate…

  • Does she feel safe to express her disagreement with you? (Or do you act threatened, defensive, or become intimidating when she does?)
  • Is she confident that her emotional struggles will never wear you out? (Or have you caused her to feel that her emotions are too much for you?)
  • While we’re on the subject, does she feel cared for in her emotions? (Or does she feel like you just tolerate her emotions?)
  • When she “nags” you (intentionally or unintentionally) is she assured of your love anyway? (Or does she feel that if she says it one more time, it’s gonna’ get ugly?)
  • During “that time of the month” does she know you’ll be extra understanding and tender? (Or does she fear that you’ll once again be irritated and unfeeling toward her struggle?)
  • Does she feel that you really hear her when she shares her heart? (Or are you going through the motions and not really understanding her?)
  • Does she trust you with her heart to the point she opens it up to you? (Or is she guarded because of your careless responses in the past?)
  • Is she physically safe with you? (Or do you use your size, loudness, and physical presence to back her into a place of fearful submission?)

We men can be pretty insensitive. Abrasive. Cold. Calloused. Not always intentionally, but simply because we are men.  Sadly, our wives are the ones we can be the most insensitive toward, when we are supposed to be living with them in a much different way (1 Peter 3:7).

As Christians, we are entirely SAFE with Jesus.

  • His motives are unquestionable. Whatever He does toward us, we can be fully assured that He is doing it out of love (Romans 8:35-39).
  • His track record is spotless. He’s not only told us that He loves us, He’s proved it in the most extreme way imaginable (Romans 5:8)
  • His word truly is His bond. Whatever He has promised (2 Peter 3:13; 1 John 2:25), we can be assured He will do.
  • THEREFORE we are entirely SAFE with Him. We can trust Him with the entirety of who we are.

THAT is how we Christian husbands

are to love our wives.

So once again…

Christian husband, is your wife SAFE with you?

is your wife safe with you

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Categories : Marriage
Tags : 1 Peter 3:7, abusive Christian husband, abusive men, Christian family, Christian home, Christian marriage, Ephesians 5:25, husbands love your wives, is your wife safe, marriage, tips for husbands
the husband is the head of the wife

The husband is head of the wife… REALLY?

Posted by Carey 
· Friday, July 20th, 2012 

the husband is the head of the wife

Yes. The husband is the head of the wife

I know, I know.  It’s 2012, and it’s not very “sensitive” to talk that way. But that doesn’t make it any less true. If God really said that the husband is the head of the wife, then I must conclude that God knows best, even if I don’t understand it, and that following what He says brings about His best in our lives and homes.

Deuteronomy 32:4 “The Rock, his work is perfect, for all his ways are justice. A God of faithfulness and without iniquity, just and upright is he.

2 Samuel 22:31 This God–his way is perfect; the word of the LORD proves true; he is a shield for all those who take refuge in him.

Does the Bible say the husband is the head of the wife?

Let’s take a look at what the Bible actually says about this issue…

1 Corinthians 11:3 – But I want you to understand that the head of every man is Christ, the head of a wife is her husband, and the head of Christ is God.

Ephesians 5:23 – For the husband is the head of the wife even as Christ is the head of the church, his body, and is himself its Savior.

Creative attempts at getting around “the husband is head of the wife”

In recent times (and only in recent times) there have been some rather technical but creative attempts at avoiding any idea of authority in these passages. The most frequent and popular attempt is to insist that the Greek word for “head” (kephale) actually means “source,” not “head.”

OK, let me make sure I understand this… If kephale means “source” then the meaning of 1 Corinthians 11:3 would actually be…

But I want you to understand that the source of every man is Christ, the source of a wife is her husband, and the source of Christ is God.

I only have one question.  HOW IN THE WORLD IS THAT HELPFUL?

  • The source of every man is Christ?  OK, I can buy that one, except that it seems to exclude women from being “sourced” by Christ too. – FAIL
  • The source of a wife is her husband? REALLY? How is that the case? – FAIL
  • The source of Christ is God? WAIT A MINUTE. Isn’t that pretty close to saying Jesus is not God, but rather a creation OF God?  Sounds like heresy to me. – FAIL

On top of all that silliness is the facts.

  • In all of the Greek literature from the 8th century B.C. (way before the New Testament was written) until the 4th century A.D. (way after the New Testament was written), the word “kephale” is found 2,336 times.
  • Out of those, 2034 of them mean the actual “head” of a person.  That leaves 302 instances where “kephale” is used metaphorically (like we see in the New Testament).
  • Out of those 302 times, 12 of them are in the New Testament, so we can exclude those from our consideration for the time being.
  • That leaves 290 times the word is used metaphorically outside the New Testament.  And out of those 290 uses…

DRUM ROLL, PLEASE

NONE of them have the meaning of “source.” None.
(reference)

So what does “the husband is head of the wife” mean?

  • It means he is her leader.

That leaves many, many questions to be answered, doesn’t it?  I agree… and I’ll try to do that in future posts.  But until that happens…here’s where our hearts should be…

Considering who God is, and what He is like,

we should trust that He knows what He is doing

in creating male/female relationship as He has.

As in everything, there is a truly beautiful result

when we arrange our lives

according to His purpose and plan.

If you’d like to, you can read a full statement of my beliefs on this subject.

leadership in the home

 

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Categories : Marriage
Tags : leadership in the home, male female roles, marriage
pray for your children

The Power of a Good Example – or – Why you should listen to me

Posted by Carey 
· Monday, July 9th, 2012 

The power of a good example

The power of a good example

photo: wikimediacommons.com

Years back, my wife decided she needed some help getting into shape, so she struck up a conversation with a guy named Brian who attended our church. Brian was a personal trainer. Not only had we heard good things about him, we could tell from how he looked and from the kinds of things he ate, that he lived what he believed. When Mindi began workouts with Brian, she had no doubt about it!  He was merciless! Over the years, Brian is one of many people who has demonstrated to me the power of a good example.

A good example is important to me.  I don’t want to hire a personal trainer who weighs 350 pounds and eats monster cheeseburgers for breakfast!  I want someone who has credibility, who’s done what it is that I’m wanting to do.

Why is there power in a good example?  At least 3 reasons…

  • A good example shows us what is possible
  • A good example provides motivation
  • A good example encourages us

The power of a good example… in the Christian life?

the power of a good example

photo: wikimediacommons.com

For some reason when we move into the realm of spiritual things, this whole issue gets a bit fuzzy.  Christians are uncomfortable at the thought of actually having to be an example for somebody else.  Maybe they’re controlled more by a sense of failure and need than they are by the grace given to them in Christ.

But you will get an even stronger reaction from Christians if a fellow Christian actually DOES put themselves forward as an example.

Whoa!!!  Did he just SAY THAT?  Who does he think he is, Jesus?  Where does he get off thinking he’s so perfect?”  Etc., etc. etc.

People who say such things don’t realize that the scriptures not only speak about the power of a good example, but encourage Christians to be such examples.  One of the better known instances is Paul’s instruction to the Corinthians that they follow his example as he follows Christ (1 Corinthians 11:1).  But there’s a TON more…

  • IMITATION – 1 Corinthians 4:16; 1 Thessalonians 1:6; 1 Thessalonians 2:14; 2 Thessalonians 3:7; 2 Thessalonians 3:9; Hebrews 6:12; Hebrews 13:7
  • EXAMPLE – Philippians 3:17; 1 Thessalonians 1:7;  2 Thessalonians 3:9; 1 Timothy 1:16; 1 Timothy 4:12

Does it bother you to hear a fellow Christian hold themselves up as an example? Do you feel like they are being arrogant, proud, or boastful? If so, why weren’t the biblical writers being boastful in the passages cited above? I want to suggest to you, that if you’re bothered by those things, you’ve got a wrong understanding of what it means to be humble.

Humility is not a “poor-me-I’ve-got-nothing-to-offer-because-I’m-such-a-sinner” attitude.  Humility is seeing yourself rightly, as God does.  Practically, that means:

  • If He’s given you grace, you are not proud to say so.
  • If He has given you a particular set of gifts, you are not boasting to openly speak of them.
  • If He has provided you with wisdom, you are not being arrogant to confidently apply that wisdom to the situations you (or others) face.

I said all that to say this…

The LORD has graciously given my wife and I a good deal of insight into what it takes to make Christ the center of our home… and we can help you make Christ the center of your home.  The fruit of our home shows it to be true. That’s not bragging… it’s the humble testimony of what GOD has done in our lives and the repeated testimony of many other people. One of those people, a member of the church where we serve, gave that kind of testimony about us at a recent celebration our church had of its 25th anniversary.  

Eric… about the Green family. 
He served on the committee that was leading the church during the difficult 3 year period between Pastors.  In the audio to the right, you can hear his recollection of the process, and his experience of our family (used with his permission… thanks Eric!).

Like I said at the beginning… if someone is going to help you g0 someplace you’ve never gone, they need to have some credibility. We do.  Not because we are “all that,” but because the LORD is, and has done a very gracious and merciful work in our lives.

That is why you should listen to me.

the power of a good example 

 

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Categories : Marriage, Parenting
Tags : Christ-centered home, Christian example, family life, follow my example, marriage, parenting, power of a good example
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