Archive for marriage healing

Say it to him

Posted by Carey

· Friday, October 10th, 2014

Your husband needs you to say it to him.

Don’t assume he knows.

Never assume.

Make sure that the things you value about him are spoken… clearly and often.

When you say it, you will help him beyond what you can imagine.

As a man, he’s got deep seated insecurities about himself. He wonders if he’s man enough, strong enough, capable enough. You may think he doesn’t struggle with that kind of stuff, but that’s just because he’s snowed you, and possibly himself. The doubt and insecurities are there.

They’re why he gets angry and defensive so quickly. Why compassion is not one of his strong suits. It’s why he is so driven at work, play, and everything else.

He’s trying to prove himself: to you, to himself, and maybe to a parent (living or dead) or a critical teacher or coach from his past.

And the enemy assails him with lies about those things every day.

And YOU, his WIFE are the only one who can dispel those lies. You’re the only one who can help him know the truth about himself.

Your husband needs you to say it to him.

What is it he needs to hear you say?

Here’s a starter list, but you need to come up with a list of your own based on your experience together.

Ladies please, take this seriously.

You don’t know how much it could do for your husband, if you’d only say it to him.

I’d marry you all over again.

You make me happy.

I can’t get enough of you.

I want to spend more time with you.

You are handsome.

I never want to leave you.

You are all man.

Let’s plan a weekend getaway just for the two of us.

I long for more of you.

Your goals are important to me.

I love caring for you.

I want you to know how proud I am of you.

I’m in this with you.

I’m glad you’re the father of our children.

You make me feel like a woman.

After Christ, You are God’s greatest blessing to me.

I’m glad I married you.

What you think matters to me.

When can I have some alone time with you?

Do you know that I’d never trade you for anyone else?

I love your ___________________ (laugh, smile, face, eyes, etc.).

I value you more than anything.

You are a gift to me.

My heart is fully yours.

You don’t have to worry about me being faithful to you, because I am and always will be.

You satisfy me.

How are you doing, really?

I enjoy learning more about you.

I’m thankful for how you provide for the family.

I see Jesus in you in this way…

I never get tired of you.

Would you like to go on a date with me?

I missed you today.

Do you know how much I love you?

I’m so drawn to your manliness.

I’m glad we can walk through the difficulties of life together.

I love you more today than I did yesterday.

There’s no person more important to me than you.

I care about what is important to you.

I want to understand you more and more.

I love your heart.

Say it to him.

Wives, don’t just read this list and nod your head.

Don’t just think of it as a good idea.

Take action. Call him. Go to him.

Now.

Tell him how you really feel.

Say it to him.

Then… say it again. Every day.

Tell him over and over and over.

In time, he’ll come to believe it.

But he never will if you don’t say it to him.

What if you can’t say it to him?

This will sound harsh – but you need to repent.

You’ve allowed your eyes or mind or heart to be drawn away from the wonderful gift the LORD gave you.

I know there may be hurts that have caused it. I know he may deserve your rejection.

But I also know that you are called by God to love and respect Him (Ephesians 5:33). And I know that God has given you His Holy Spirit to enable you to do it. It’s important because that respect is part of what will enable him to overcome his insecurities and anger and pride.

That’s a calling of self-sacrifice, not self-defense. It’s a calling to be the most noble example of womanhood that exists; a self-giving, serve-him-when-he-doesn’t-deserve-it womanliness that our world hardly sees anymore.

You can do it because Jesus is in you. He desires to do it through you.

So repent and start making things right with your husband.

Apologize for your part in the pain. Tell him that you want more, that you want God’s best for your marriage.

And get help if you need it.

Don’t let pride or hurt or humiliation or fear keep you from acting.

Be woman of God and watch God to the work of restoration.

Here’s a love song that stirs my heart every time I hear it.

Imagine what your husband would feel if he knew that these were your feelings toward him.

Let it move you. Let it motivate you to love your husband well.

Then, go say what you need to say.

This song is from Jenny and Tyler. It’s called, “As Long as Our Hearts are Beating.”

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Categories : Family Foundations, Marriage

Tags : marriage healing, marriage hurts, say it to him

Say it to her

Posted by Carey

· Monday, September 29th, 2014

Your wife needs you to say it to her.

Don’t assume she knows.

Never assume.

Make sure that the things you value about her are spoken… clearly and often.

When you say it, you will help her beyond what you can imagine.

She’s got deep seated insecurities about herself as a woman. She wonders if she’s woman enough, pretty enough, satisfying enough…

And the enemy assails her with lies about those things every day.

And YOU, her HUSBAND are the only one who can dispel those lies. You’re the only one who can help her know the truth about herself.

Your wife needs you to say it to her.

What is it she needs to hear you say?

Here’s a starter list, but you need to come up with one of your own based on your experience together, based on what is true of your wife and your knowledge of her.

Guys, take this seriously.

You don’t know how much it could do for your wife, if you’d only say it to her.

I’d marry you all over again.

You make me happy.

I can’t get enough of you.

I want to spend more time with you.

You are beautiful.

Divorce is never an option.

You are all woman.

Let’s plan a weekend getaway just for the two of us.

I long for more of you.

Your emotions are never a bother to me.

I love caring for you.

I’d give my life to save yours.

I’m in this with you.

I’m glad you’re the mother of my children.

You make me feel like a man.

After Christ, You are God’s greatest blessing to me.

I’m glad I married you.

What you feel matters to me.

I’ll never leave you.

When can I have some alone time with you?

You are enough.

Do you know that I’d never trade you for anyone else?

I love your ___________________ (laugh, smile, face, eyes, etc.).

I value you more than anything.

You are a gift to me.

My heart is fully yours.

You don’t have to worry about me being faithful to you, because I am and always will be.

You satisfy me.

How is your heart?

I enjoy learning more about you.

I’m proud of you.

I see Jesus in you in this way…

I never get tired of you.

Would you like to go on a date with me?

I missed you today.

Do you know how much I love you?

I’m captivated by you.

I’m glad we can walk through the difficulties of life together.

I love you more today than I did yesterday.

There’s no person more important to me than you.

I care about what you feel.

I want to understand you more and more.

I love your heart.

Say it to her

Husbands, don’t just read this list and nod your head.

Don’t just think of it as a good idea.

Take action. Call her. Go to her.

Now.

Tell her how you really feel.

Say it to her.

Then… say it again. Every day.

Tell her over and over and over.

In time, she’ll come to believe it.

But she never will if you don’t say it to her.

What if you can’t say it to her?

This will sound harsh – but you need to repent.

You’ve allowed your eyes or mind or heart to be drawn away from the wonderful gift the LORD gave you.

I know there may be hurts that have caused it. I know she may deserve your rejection.

But I also know that you are called by God to lover her like Jesus loves His church (Ephesians 5:25). And I know that God has given you His Holy Spirit to enable you to do it.

That’s a calling of self-sacrifice, not self-defense. It’s a calling to be the most noble example of manhood that exists; a self-giving, lay-down-your-life-for-her manliness that our world hardly sees anymore.

You can do it because Jesus is in you. He desires to do it through you.

So repent and start making things right with your wife.

Apologize for your part in the pain. Tell her that you want more, that you want God’s best for your marriage.

And get help if you need it.

Don’t let pride or hurt or humiliation or fear keep you from acting.

Be a man. Be a man of God and watch God to the work of restoration.

Here’s a love song that stirs my heart every time I hear it.

Listen to the devotion and depth of emotion in the voice of the man who sings this.

Imagine what he must feel for his dear wife.

And let it move you. Let it motivate you to love your wife well.

Then, go say what you need to say.

This song is from Jenny and Tyler. It’s called, “As Long as Our Hearts are Beating.”

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Categories : Family Foundations, Marriage

Tags : husbands love your wives, marriage healing, marriage hurts, say it to her

Trust in marriage may not be what you think

Posted by Carey

· Monday, July 15th, 2013

Trust is easily broken… and very difficult to rebuild.

If you’ve been in a relationship for any length of time you know that to be true. It only takes a handful of hurts to cause a boat-load of doubt and mistrust.

Many couples struggle to rebuild or regain trust, which is important. In our marriage intensives we often have to spend a good deal of time addressing issues that have caused trust to be damaged, so that the couple can begin to rebuild it.

Even though rebuilding trust between husband and wife is vital, and needs to happen, the kind of trust in marriage that is most important isn’t THAT kind of trust.

The ability of each spouse to trust God with their marriage is most important.

It doesn’t matter what kind of issues you’re facing:

infidelity
pornography
poor communication
past hurts
childhood wounds
abuse
physical disabilities or illnesses

… every one of them is best handled when each partner in the marriage is able to FIRST trust in the sovereign plan of God in their situation.

Let’s consider an example so you can see what I’m meaning…

After years of misunderstanding or poor communication, couples often get to a point of feeling hopeless. The wife doesn’t feel like her husband really CARES about her and the husband doesn’t believe his wife is really FOR him. She characterizes him as disinterested and he characterizes her as a nag. Neither one is happy. Neither one is fulfilled. Neither one feels like they have the energy to put much more effort into their marriage. They begin to think that the ongoing pain is too much to bear and they’d be better apart than together. Divorce becomes a very real option.

But they’ve forgotten about the key issue: What God is doing in the situation is the most important thing about it.

Most couples who reach this point don’t go there in their thinking.

They often don’t want to go there because it will require them to endure the difficulties instead of seeking to run away from them. I know, marriage problems can be excruciating… which leads me to the main point of this post…

Jesus is our example

Do you know the origin of the word “excruciating?”

It’s from the Latin word excruciare, which means “to crucify.” So something that is excruciating is “a pain like the pain of crucifixion.”

Jesus knows that kind of pain, wouldn’t you say? In fact, Jesus willingly endured that kind of pain because He trusted that His Father’s plan to send Him to the cross, was the best plan. (John 10:18). Jesus trusted His Father even though His plan would entail pain and suffering for Him. Jesus trusted His Father even though His plan would mean that Jesus would be mocked, ridiculed, and falsely accused. Jesus trusted His Father… more than He desired to be free from pain or discomfort. There was more at stake than His own well-being. The Father had a perfect plan…

In the comfort-oriented culture in which we live, the kind of mindset Jesus had is unheard of.

We try to avoid pain. We try to stop it or get out of it once we are experiencing it. We run to divorce court to avoid pain in our marriages.

But Jesus shows us there is another way… a better way that is less about our suffering and more about the will of the Father. Marriage problems definitely CAN be excruciating… and like our LORD Jesus, we are to endure the pain for the greater good the Father has in mind, just like Jesus did when He suffered on the cross (Hebrews 12:2).

What does that mean practically?

It means that our focus has to move away from how untrustworthy our spouse may be, and onto how trustworthy our God is (Psalm 93:5).
It means that we need to remember that with God there are no mistakes (Proverbs 16:33), so the spouse we have is the spouse HE desires for us to have.
It means that we need to submit our will to the will of the Father again and again as we endure the situation (Luke 22:42).
It means that we need to look beyond the pain of the present, seeking the ultimate joy that the Father desires to bring out of it (Hebrews 12:2).
It means that if our marriage includes injustice or mistreatment, we must learn to entrust ourselves and the situation to the Father, the righteous Judge (1 Peter 2:22-23).
It means that we must trust that He knows what He is doing… because HE is God…

Oh, the depth of the riches and wisdom and knowledge of God! How unsearchable are his judgments and how inscrutable his ways! For who has known the mind of the Lord, or who has been his counselor? Or who has given a gift to him that he might be repaid? For from him and through him and to him are all things. To him be glory forever. Amen. – Romans chapter 11, verses 33 through 36

The trust in marriage that really matters is OUR TRUST IN GOD to be the Author of our marriage and the one who is at work to use it for His glorious purposes.

When is a time YOU have had to trust God with your marriage?

Categories : Marriage

Tags : heal my marriage, marriage healing, painful marriage, trust God with your spouse, trust in marriage, trusting God