Archive for marriage tips

golden rule - do unto others

Do Unto Others – the Golden Rule for Married Couples

Posted by Carey 
· Friday, December 14th, 2012 

Do unto others… the Golden rule for Couples

So whatever you wish that others would do to you, do also to them, for this is the Law and the Prophets. – Matthew 7:12 (ESV)

You’ve probably heard the Golden Rule quoted since you were a little kid. You may not have even known it came from the Bible. And you have to admit, it sounds like a pretty good way to be.

But have you considered that when it says “do unto others” – it’s talking about your spouse too?

It’s WAY too common for us to treat those in our own household WORSE than we do those outside it.

Spouses in particular take the brunt of a lot of our own selfishness and sin.

What would it look like if you, with the help of the Spirit of God, began to take the Golden Rule seriously in how you relate to your spouse? What kind of difference do you think it would make?

Consider how you could “do unto your spouse” in just one area: communication

golden rule - do unto others

Try these “do unto others” ideas in your marriage…

  • #1 – How about the questions you ask?

How would you like it if your spouse asked genuine, thoughtful, deeply interesting questions about the things that YOU find interesting or fun?

Your hobbies. Your work. Your friends.

Wouldn’t that make you feel LOVED?

So why not turn it around and apply the “do unto others” of the Golden Rule by learning to ask genuine, thoughtful questions about your spouse’s hobbies, work, and friends.

You might find out they are the same interesting person you married. And you might find them responding in kind.

  • #2 – What about the way you make them feel?

If your spouse came to you and began asking if he/she makes you feel loved… how would that make you feel? What if he/she asked if they did anything that frustrated or irritated you?

Wouldn’t that show they were trying to be considerate?

What would happen if YOU turned that around… what if you “do unto others” toward your spouse and begin asking those kinds of questions?

Do I make you feel loved?

Are there any things I say or do that regularly hurt you?

Is there anything I do that makes you feel insecure?

You’d be telling your spouse they are important to you – LOUD AND CLEAR.

  • #3 – How about in the realm of intimacy?
[dropshadowbox align=”right” effect=”lifted-both” width=”250px” height=”” background_color=”#f9f580″ border_width=”1″ border_color=”#dddddd” ]The Golden Rule applies to your spouse too! – TWEET THIS[/dropshadowbox]

If your spouse began asking you questions about whether you are satisfied with your physical relationship, what would that say to you?

Would it tell you that he/she is wanting to do better, for your sake?

Once again, TURN THAT AROUND and think of ways that YOU can show your spouse love by practicing the Golden Rule…

Does the way I approach you physically make you feel cared for, or used?

Do I do things in our physical relationship that bother you, or that you don’t like?

In the physical realm, are there ways I could better express my love for you?

TRY IT. You mind find you learn something important… and your spouse might feel loved in ways they haven’t for a very long time.

Here’s your assignment. PICK ONE of these to try out (#1, #2, or #3) and let me know why you’re picking that one below.

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help your husband pursue you

Help your husband pursue you

Posted by Carey 
· Friday, November 30th, 2012 

Wives: There may be a reason your husband doesn’t persist in pursuing you…

Earlier I wrote about the biblical instruction for husbands to pursue their wives.

It’s needed. It’s commanded. Men, you should work hard to do it.

But ladies, sometimes your husband may not persist in pursuing you because you don’t let him.

You may think that is an odd thing to say, but think about it.

The husband can have an “Ah-ha!” moment and realize that he does need to consistently chase after you out of love. He can even begin coming up with ways to do that.

But if you are resistant to your husband’s pursuit, he’ll become discouraged and give up altogether.

What are some reasons you may resist your husband’s pursuit of you?

help your husband pursue you

 

Hurt or Resentment

If you feel hurt or resentful that it’s taken your husband this long to pursue you, that could make you less willing to receive his pursuit. Even though he may have changed his attitude about the issue now, the hurts from the past don’t automatically go away.

What should you do if that’s the case?

  • You need to talk it out, and work toward biblical forgiveness.
  • Husband – genuinely repent to your wife; ask her forgiveness. Confess every place where you see you’ve not pursued her as you should.
  • Wife, receive his confession and extend forgiveness.
[dropshadowbox align=”right” effect=”lifted-both” width=”250px” height=”” background_color=”#f6f80c” border_width=”1″ border_color=”#dddddd” ]LADIES: Sometimes your husband doesn’t persist in pursuing you because you don’t let him. – TWEET THIS[/dropshadowbox]It’s harder than it sounds. You may need to get help from a mature believer who can help you resolve conflicts and pursue biblical forgiveness.

One other important thing for the wife: ask the LORD to help you see your husband in light of the changes taking place in his heart. At some point, you’re gonna’ need to give him a chance to prove his new-found commitment in practical ways, in spite of how you feel

Fear

You might resist your husband’s well intentioned attempts at pursuing you because you are afraid. What are you afraid of? Maybe he  has tried something like this before and didn’t follow through. You got your hopes up, only to have them dashed.

What should be done?

  • Remember that your faith is ultimately in the LORD, not in your husband.
  • Trust the LORD by giving your husband a chance.
  • Trust the LORD to work in and through your husband for your good.
  • As you learn to trust the LORD, He will enable you to trust your husband, a little bit at a time.

encourage your husband to pursue you - the MIP can help!This post is an excerpt from my book, “The Marriage Improvement Project” – it’s a couple’s devotional with daily discussion questions to help you improve your marriage together!

Marriage Imrpovmenet Project Book Marriage Improvement Project Kindle Book

Paperback copy
Kindle Version

Other helpful tips toward encouraging your husband in this area…

  • Make a point of noticing his efforts, and thanking him for making his commitment toward you practical. All of us are motivated to consistency when we know that our efforts are being noticed!
  • Don’t cut down or make fun of his efforts at chasing after you, either in private or in public. Your husband is doing his best to pursue you, just as Christ pursues His church. Be thankful!
  • If your husband begins to slack off, don’t be afraid to mention it to him, but do so privately and in an encouraging way. For example, you might say, “I know that in your heart you have determined to pursue me more diligently, and I want to encourage you not to give up.”

Finally, if the two of you find some sort of “blockage” with this principle that you can’t seem to get around, ask a mature believer or your Pastor for help in determining how you can get around it.

I’m always available to help with these and other issues. Video technology makes it not only possible, but very effective. Don’t hesitate to contact me.

Husbands… do you owe your wife a heart-felt apology for slacking off?

Wives… do you need to put your faith in the LORD instead of your husband?

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The Marriage Improvement Project – Couple’s Devotional NOW ON KINDLE!

Posted by Carey 
· Monday, November 26th, 2012 

My Couple’s Devotional Book, the Marriage Improvement Project is now available on the Amazon Kindle Store!

My Marriage Devotional Study, the Marriage Improvement Project, is now available in the Kindle Ebook format on the Kindle Store!

You can find out more about the Marriage Improvement Project HERE or click on the icons below to purchase a copy now!

It would make a very thoughtful and potentially life-changing gift for a special Christian couple in your life! Help me spread the word about this valuable resource!

Your purchase helps to support the ongoing work of Christian Home and Family. 

If you would like to become a partner with Christian Home and Family, you can do so on a monthly or one-time basis – and help me make an eternal, Christ-centered difference in the lives of

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families all over the globe!

Marriage Imrpovmenet Project Book Marriage Improvement Project Kindle Book

Paperback copy
Kindle Version!

[dropshadowbox align=”center” effect=”lifted-both” width=”450px” height=”” background_color=”#f8f611″ border_width=”1″ border_color=”#dddddd” ]The Marriage Improvement Project is now available for Kindle – ONLY $2.99! TWEET THIS[/dropshadowbox]The Marriage Improvement Project is now available on Kindle – $2.99!

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The Cleaving Principle for Marriage Health

Posted by Carey 
· Monday, November 26th, 2012 

Men: Make your marriage healthier by applying the Cleaving Principle

Today I’d like to look at a passage from Genesis chapter 2 – verse 24. After telling the account of how God made Eve from Adam’s side, Moses says…

Therefore a man shall leave his father and his mother and hold fast to his wife, and they shall become one flesh.

The King James version words this a bit differently. Instead of saying that a man is to “hold fast” to his wife, the KJV says a man is to “cleave to his wife.”

the cleaving principle for marriage healthThis post is an excerpt from my book, “The Marriage Improvement Project“ – it’s a couple’s devotional with daily discussion questions to help you improve your marriage together!

Marriage Imrpovmenet Project Book Marriage Improvement Project Kindle Book

Paperback copy
Kindle Version

No, it has nothing to do with a meat cleaver…

Here is the dictionary definition:

CLEAVE – to catch by pursuit: – follow close (hard after), be joined (together), keep (fast), overtake, pursue hard.

The word clearly implies a chase or a pursuit – a seeking after. It reminds us of those long gone days of courtship.

Typically, it is the man who begins pursuing a young woman, showing off, trying to woo her, seeking to impress her. He does extra, special things for her (flowers, gifts, special notes or poems), and he might even give up some of his most treasured hobbies and things just to spend time with her or be near her. That is exactly the idea of the word “cleave.”

Ladies, can you recall those days?

  • What did it do to you to know that the guy you were interested in was seeking after you?
  • It was flattering to know that he was interested in you, wasn’t it?
  • When your growing intimacy and the passing of time came together on the day that he finally proposed, your hopes were realized!
  • He really did want you!
  • In many ways, it was his consistency that paid off!

Sadly, for many couples that’s about as long as it lasts.

It’s not uncommon for men stop chasing their wives shortly after they are married. It is as if once they “have” them, the excitement of the pursuit is gone. They lose sight of the beauty, caring heart, and loveliness of their bride that attracted them in the first place.

But there is no hint in this passage that the man is to ever stop pursuing his wife.

He doesn’t finish, get it done, or ever fully accomplish the task. This ongoing pursuit is what I’m referring to as the Cleaving Principle.

Today I want to highlight one main point the Cleaving Principle teaches:

1. The marriage relationship requires ongoing, intentional pursuit of the woman, by the man.

God’s instruction to the man to pursue the woman means that there is something in the pursuit, something that it communicates, that the woman needs to know.

When a man pursues his wife consistently, day after day, year after year, she knows in a very special way that he still loves her, still delights in her, and still wants to be with her above all others.

When he fails to do so, she may start to believe that he doesn’t care about her, isn’t interested in her life, and might even prefer someone else.

[dropshadowbox align=”right” effect=”lifted-both” width=”250px” height=”” background_color=”#faf533″ border_width=”1″ border_color=”#dddddd” ]It’s not uncommon for men to stop chasing their wives shortly after they marry – prevent it in your marriage TWEET THIS[/dropshadowbox]Those kinds of doubts become a slow-poison to the relationship… and husbands are responsible to see to it that they are never injected into the marriage relationship in the first place!

Husbands, you need to develop (or re-kindle) a heart that consistently pursues your wife.

Here are some ways of looking at this aspect of the Cleaving Principle that may be helpful…

  • Men tend to work at the relationship until it seems to be “in the bag” – then they get comfortable and take it for granted. But men, the relationship you have with your wife needs constant and continual attention and pursuit.
  • Husbands, your wife not only desires for you to want her or to value her…she needs it. It is vital that she knows without a doubt that you want her, need her, respect her, and care about her. Doing this nourishes the deepest part of who she is as a woman. God made her to need those things and He made you to provide them!
  • Remember that these types of needs are ones you agreed to meet when you married (remember those wedding vows?). With that in mind, it becomes an issue of being a man of your word. The same “desire” you had then, is to be stoked and kept alive throughout your married life. Getting married was the first of many steps of consistent pursuit…

It is your job, as the husband to “win her” again, and again, and again…

Men, why DON’T you continue to pursue your wife?

Women, tell me what it would do for you if your husband DID continue to pursue you?

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My husband hates me – at least it feels that way

Posted by Carey 
· Monday, October 22nd, 2012 
This post is taken from my book, “The Marriage Improvement Project.“

More women than you might think feel that their husbands hate them. And in most cases, it’s not true.

The problem is that their husband doesn’t understand a very basic biblical principle that I call the cleaving principle.

Genesis chapter 2 verse 24
Therefore a man shall leave his father and his mother and hold fast to his wife, and they shall become one flesh.

Let’s key in on that phrase, “hold fast to his wife.” The good old King James version words this a bit differently. Instead of saying that a man is to “hold fast” to his wife, it says a man is to “cleave to his wife.”

No, it has nothing to do with a meat cleaver…  here’s what the dictionary says:

CLEAVE – to catch by pursuit: – follow close (hard after), be joined (together), keep (fast), overtake, pursue hard.

The word clearly implies a chase or a pursuit – a seeking after.

Do you remember those long gone days of courtship? Come on guys, you remember – showing off, trying to woo her, seeking to impress her. You did extra, special things for her (flowers, gifts, special notes or poems).

That is exactly the idea of the word “cleave.”

Ladies, can you recall those days? What did it do to you to know that the guy you were interested in was seeking after you? It was flattering, wasn’t it? Made you feel pretty special. When your growing intimacy and the passing of time came together on the day that he finally proposed, your hopes were realized! He really did want you! In many ways, it was his consistency that paid off!

my husband hates meSadly, for many couples that’s about as long as it lasts, because men often stop chasing their wives shortly after they are married. It is as if once they “have” them, the excitement of the pursuit is gone. They lose sight of the beauty, caring heart, and loveliness that attracted them in the first place.

That’s where the cleaving principle comes in. There’s no hint in God’s word that you are to EVER stop pursuing your wife.

God’s instruction that you pursue your wife means that there is something in the pursuit, something that it communicates, that your wife needs to know. When you pursue her consistently, day after day, year after year, she knows in a very special way that you still love her, still delight in her, and still want to be with her above all others. When you fail to do so, she may start to believe that you don’t care about her, aren’t interested in her life, and might even prefer someone else. Yes, she may even be heard to say, “My husband hates me.”

Those kinds of doubts become a slow-poison to the relationship… and husband, you are responsible to see to it that those doubts are never injected into the marriage relationship in the first place! You need to develop (or re-kindle) a heart that consistently pursues your wife. Here are some ways of looking at this truth that may be helpful…

  • Men tend to work at the relationship until it seems to be “in the bag” – then they get comfortable and take it for granted.
    • But men, the relationship you have with your wife needs constant and continual attention and pursuit.
    • Your wife not only desires for you to want and value her…she needs it.
    • Doing this nourishes the deepest part of who she is as a woman – God made her to need those things and He made you to provide them!
  • Remember that these types of needs are ones you agreed to meet when you married (remember those wedding vows?).
    • With that in mind, it becomes an issue of being a man of your word.
    • The same “desire” you had then, is to be stoked and kept alive throughout your married life.

Getting married was the first of many steps of consistent pursuit…

[dropshadowbox align=”center” effect=”lifted-both” width=”350px” height=”” background_color=”#c1ecec” border_width=”1″ border_color=”#dddddd” inside_shadow=”false” ]It is your job, as the husband to “win her” again, and again, and again… to make sure that your wife not only never says, but never even THINKS, “My husband hates me.”[/dropshadowbox]

Learn more about the importance of the cleaving principle in The Marriage Improvement Project – a Devotional Study for Christian Couples.

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