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Archive for my husband hates me

hurting wife

My husband hates me – part 2

Posted by Carey 
· Friday, July 25th, 2014 

Quite a while back I wrote a post called “My Husband Hates Me… at least it feels that way.”

You can find the original post here – “My husband hates me… at least it seems that way.”

That post has gotten more comments than any post I’ve written. I’m sure that’s in part because of the felt-need nature of the post.

Recently I got another comment on the post from a woman who calls herself “Frustrated.” Her situation is all too common.

Before I share here question and my reply, let me say this…

There is nothing more delicate than trying to give advice to a hurting wife. Emotions are already high and the risk of additional hurt being done through the advice is high as well. My desire is to help. But to really help, truth has to be spoken. It’s seldom easy to hear, especially when you’re already in the throes of a difficult or hurtful situation. But it’s the only thing that will provide the kind of wisdom that is truly needed.

Here’s what “Frustrated” wrote to me…

My Husband is bitter and very hateful toward me. I’m in the dark as to why…He “keeps score” about my faults and is very negative to me. It feels like there is no love here anymore. We have been married for 15 years. I am praying for him, but it is a hard “pill” to swallow, when these “faults” identified are so outrageously ridiculous. Just anything to pick a fight. It feels like he berates and has “kept score” for so long that there is no turning back in this relationship. I want to stay together for the kids sake, as they deserve two parents in the house. It seems obvious that the only thing left is to try to co-parent with as little conflict as possible. Any Bible verses come to mind to encourage in this situation.

my husband hates me
Frustrated… I appreciate you chiming in and sharing your painful story. The treatment you are receiving is indeed wrong and unfair, much like what Jesus experienced on the cross and continues to experience as the people of the world reject and malign Him.

The passage that comes to mind most readily for you is 1 Peter 2: 21-23

For to this you have been called, because Christ also suffered for you, leaving you an example, so that you might follow in His steps. He committed no sin, neither was deceit found in His mouth. When He was reviled, He did not revile in return; when He suffered, He did not threaten, but continued entrusting Himself to Him who judgest justly.

If I may, let me unpack it a bit for you…

  • You and I have been called to follow the example of Christ. That is primary to our lives, not just this situation. We get to follow in His steps. It’s an honor, a privilege to do so.
  • Part of His example is in how He suffered. His suffering was like no other because He was truly innocent! Talk about unjust treatment!
  • So how did Jesus handle the unjust treatment He received? (1) – He did not revile in return. So in your situation, you are not to respond in kind to your husband. I know it hurts, but like Jesus, you have the honor of responding with love, not hate. You can show your husband love through your humble responses. I know it’s hard, but God gives us the power to do what He calls us to do. (2) He continued entrusting Himself to the Father, who He knew would judge justly. Amazing… that Jesus relied on the Father like that. What an example for us! What Peter is telling us is that Jesus trusted that God the Father was allowing everything He experienced for His good purposes, and that in His good time, the Father would do what was right in His situation. Those who maligned and mistreated Him will be judged rightly. The injustice will be called to account.

My dear sister, the same is true in your case. As you walk humbly before God and respond in love to your husband, you can trust God to use even the pain and discomfort of  your situation for good (Romans 8:28). You can also trust Him to make all things right. He will deal with your husband for his mistreatment of you. It’s an issue God takes very seriously (1 Peter 3:7). You can trust Him to do what is right and to care for you as His daughter even in the difficult situation you face.

I am praying for you and for your husband… that God will grab His heart and redeem it, making him into a man like Jesus.

What matters most for a hurting wife or a hurting husband is not the comfort God may bring, or the assurance He might give.

What matters most is that they, as the victim of injustice, entrust themselves to God, who will judge rightly. It’s one of the hardest steps of trust that anyone has to take, but it’s essential to reflect Christ and to walk in His ways.

It’s hard because our emotions cry out for deliverance and justice – and they should. But the real healing comes in knowing that our powerful God can be trusted to appropriately deal with the abuser and rightly care for the abused.

We can rest in Him, and trust His timing and judgment.

Here’s a song that ministered to my soul once, long ago, when I felt that the pain was too great.

Listen carefully. Let the truths of this song by Leslie Phillips soothe your heart.

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Categories : Family Foundations, Marriage
Tags : abuse in marriage, domestic violence, hurtful relationships, hurting wife, marital abuse, my husband hates me

My husband hates me – at least it feels that way

Posted by Carey 
· Monday, October 22nd, 2012 
This post is taken from my book, “The Marriage Improvement Project.“

More women than you might think feel that their husbands hate them. And in most cases, it’s not true.

The problem is that their husband doesn’t understand a very basic biblical principle that I call the cleaving principle.

Genesis chapter 2 verse 24
Therefore a man shall leave his father and his mother and hold fast to his wife, and they shall become one flesh.

Let’s key in on that phrase, “hold fast to his wife.” The good old King James version words this a bit differently. Instead of saying that a man is to “hold fast” to his wife, it says a man is to “cleave to his wife.”

No, it has nothing to do with a meat cleaver…  here’s what the dictionary says:

CLEAVE – to catch by pursuit: – follow close (hard after), be joined (together), keep (fast), overtake, pursue hard.

The word clearly implies a chase or a pursuit – a seeking after.

Do you remember those long gone days of courtship? Come on guys, you remember – showing off, trying to woo her, seeking to impress her. You did extra, special things for her (flowers, gifts, special notes or poems).

That is exactly the idea of the word “cleave.”

Ladies, can you recall those days? What did it do to you to know that the guy you were interested in was seeking after you? It was flattering, wasn’t it? Made you feel pretty special. When your growing intimacy and the passing of time came together on the day that he finally proposed, your hopes were realized! He really did want you! In many ways, it was his consistency that paid off!

my husband hates meSadly, for many couples that’s about as long as it lasts, because men often stop chasing their wives shortly after they are married. It is as if once they “have” them, the excitement of the pursuit is gone. They lose sight of the beauty, caring heart, and loveliness that attracted them in the first place.

That’s where the cleaving principle comes in. There’s no hint in God’s word that you are to EVER stop pursuing your wife.

God’s instruction that you pursue your wife means that there is something in the pursuit, something that it communicates, that your wife needs to know. When you pursue her consistently, day after day, year after year, she knows in a very special way that you still love her, still delight in her, and still want to be with her above all others. When you fail to do so, she may start to believe that you don’t care about her, aren’t interested in her life, and might even prefer someone else. Yes, she may even be heard to say, “My husband hates me.”

Those kinds of doubts become a slow-poison to the relationship… and husband, you are responsible to see to it that those doubts are never injected into the marriage relationship in the first place! You need to develop (or re-kindle) a heart that consistently pursues your wife. Here are some ways of looking at this truth that may be helpful…

  • Men tend to work at the relationship until it seems to be “in the bag” – then they get comfortable and take it for granted.
    • But men, the relationship you have with your wife needs constant and continual attention and pursuit.
    • Your wife not only desires for you to want and value her…she needs it.
    • Doing this nourishes the deepest part of who she is as a woman – God made her to need those things and He made you to provide them!
  • Remember that these types of needs are ones you agreed to meet when you married (remember those wedding vows?).
    • With that in mind, it becomes an issue of being a man of your word.
    • The same “desire” you had then, is to be stoked and kept alive throughout your married life.

Getting married was the first of many steps of consistent pursuit…

[dropshadowbox align=”center” effect=”lifted-both” width=”350px” height=”” background_color=”#c1ecec” border_width=”1″ border_color=”#dddddd” inside_shadow=”false” ]It is your job, as the husband to “win her” again, and again, and again… to make sure that your wife not only never says, but never even THINKS, “My husband hates me.”[/dropshadowbox]

Learn more about the importance of the cleaving principle in The Marriage Improvement Project – a Devotional Study for Christian Couples.

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Categories : Marriage
Tags : christian marriage help, husbands and wives, marriage tips, my husband hates me
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