1. Boss them around without first convincing them that you care for them
Set up a bunch of rules that are devoid of any real relationship between you and your kids. This is a sure-fire way to make sure that they don’t even get a hint that you are concerned about their well-being. You’re giving them rules to follow… isn’t that enough to show them that you care?
2. Treat them as if they are not important
Don’t listen to your kids… after all, they are kids. Don’t ask them about their lives, their interests, what the LORD is doing in their life… nothing. Basically, just ignore them altogether. You are the parent, you’re the one who matters most.
3. Don’t notice and affirm the good they are doing or have done
If you compliment or affirm them, they’ll get big heads. Why would you want to risk that? Withhold encouraging comments about their competence and abilities, and never let them know what you see the LORD doing in them. You don’t want them being one of those self-righteous religious kids who looks down on everyone else, do you?
4. Don’t allow them to apply new skills and abilities
Yeah, they are supposed to be growing up, but you know that if you want it done right, you’ll have to do it yourself. And don’t let them try things that may be risky. They might get hurt, or make a mistake, or fall into sin… or worse they might embarrass you. Play it safe… don’t let them try anything new.
5. Don’t discipline them, even when they need it
Discipline is highly overrated. You may go too far and damage their self-esteem. They’ll learn their own lessons in time if you’ll just leave them alone to figure out their mistakes and temptations on their own. What they really need is the freedom to discover themselves. Requiring them to toe the line morally or ethically will crush their individuality.
6. Don’t honor or care for the people your kids care about
The relationship your kids have with their other parent, or their siblings, has nothing to do with you. If you treat your kids’ loved ones unfairly, they won’t even notice. They aren’t mature enough to understand injustice or abuse.
If you weren’t sure if I was serious or not, let me put your mind at ease. I wrote those 6 points as pure satire, to get you thinking.
Some of you were really bothered by the sarcastic tone, and that’s understandable. But the real tragedy is that some of you were more bothered by the sarcasm than you were with the possibility that you actually DO think along those lines some of the time.
The scriptures instruct parents in this way:
To make what I’m saying perfectly clear, I want to quickly run through those points again, only this time without the sarcasm.
1. Boss them around without first convincing them that you care for them
If you set up your household in a way that majors on rules but minors on genuine, caring relationship between the parents and children, you are setting up your children to become angry – with you.
I’m not saying you shouldn’t have rules (we have plenty of rules in our home), but your kids need to know that you CARE about them first. If they know that they are more important to you than the rules, they’ll typically submit to the rules – because they trust YOU. Remember this “3 R” principle:
2. Treat them as if they are not important
If you disregard or ignore your kids they’ll become angry – with you.
You should do your best to treat them as valuable, important individuals in your household. They have their own life, just like you have yours. And their life is important to them, just like yours is to you. Their concerns may not truly be of much importance in the long run, but you should care about those things because THEY cares about them. That doesn’t mean all you talk about is video games and cartoons… you still need to teach them how to communicate with wisdom and with consideration for others (who may not enjoy talking about those things). But you should communicate that they, and their thoughts and feelings are valuable to you, and to God.
3. Don’t notice and affirm the good they are doing or have done
It’s easy to fall into the mindset that if you aren’t telling them that they are doing something wrong, it means they are doing OK. But as a Christian parent you can’t let yourself go there. Your kids are constantly wondering if you approve of them, and your silence won’t answer the question. They need to know if they are doing well with the challenges life is throwing at them, if the LORD is at work in their lives at all. It’s your job to tell them what you see, and to spur them on to love and good deeds (Hebrews 10:24). If you neglect affirming them, they will become angry – at you.
4. Don’t allow them to apply new skills and abilities
As you raise your children wisely, they are to be growing in wisdom, maturity, and competence. They need opportunities to test their wings, to see for themselves that the work the LORD has been doing in them (through your parenting) is good. So don’t keep them out of sports because they might be hurt. Don’t do their science project for them because it might look like a kid did it. They may get hurt, and they may not make the coolest looking science project… but they will learn how to navigate life and apply Christ-like character through those experiences (with your help). If you shelter or coddle your kids in this way, they will become angry – at you.
5. Don’t discipline them, even when they need it
Your children need discipline. Not overbearing, unreasonable demands… but Godly, Spirit-directed, love-motivated discipline.
Discipline is course correction, instruction, loving redirection of their childish foolishness into better paths. Discipline is a boundary, inside which your children will feel secure and loved. You’ve seen the toddler wreaking havoc in the store, and his mom who did nothing about it. You may have been the mom. The scriptures tell us that a parent like that actually hates their child (Proverbs 13:24). You’re not doing them any favors by withholding appropriate, timely discipline. In fact, you are handicapping them. If you are lax when it comes to appropriate discipline, your kids will become angry – at you.
6. Don’t honor or care for the people your kids care about
If you are harsh, unfeeling, or abusive toward the people your children love (their siblings or other parent) they will become angry – at you. They may be too small at the moment to do anything about the injustices they witness, or to totally understand it in a way they could express. But you can be sure anger will rise within them because of it. Your short fuse, your ungracious tone, your hurtful words – all of these and more are the seeds that grow into future anger in your child. Learn to let the Spirit be in control and entirely different fruit will begin to flow out of you (Galatians 5:22-23).
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