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Archive for spanking children

spanking of children

When is spanking of children abusive?

Posted by Carey 
· Monday, September 24th, 2012 

When is spanking of children abusive?

spanking of childrenWhen I was a kid there was very little debate about whether spanking of children was abusive. From conversations I had with my friends I know their parents believed that spanking was an appropriate form of discipline. And mine did for sure. As kids we talked about it as if it was the normal, expected thing to get a spanking when we disobeyed. I don’t think my experience is anything unique. I’d venture a guess that most people reading this who are over the age of 40 had parents who believed in spanking too.

But we can all agree that just because people in the past did something doesn’t make it right. Just because a LOT of people in the past did it doesn’t make it right either. What makes a thing right or wrong is what God says about it… and the scriptures are pretty clear that spanking of children is not only allowed, but even prescribed (you can read about that in my last about the spanking of children).

But in any good thing, even things given to us by God, abuses can happen. Overeating, sexual promiscuity, workaholism, and a slew of other vices prove that point. Sad but true, the same is true of spanking. Please understand that I don’t want you to abuse your child, and I don’t want to abuse mine. We are to care for our children, not damage them. Because of that it can be very difficult to know what a “good” spanking is like and when it crosses the line into the realm of abuse. In order to help clarify the differences between the two, keep this in mind:

A spanking rightly done has a positive effect.

A spanking wrongly done has a harmful effect.

With that in mind, I’m going to give you some quick guidelines my wife and I have learned that help us stay aimed at the positive end of that continuum. Here we go…

Guidelines for the spanking of children

  • Make sure genuine love and concern for your child are at the heart of your discipline.

Motivation is everything, so ask yourself, “Why am I spanking in the first place”? There are good/right reasons, and there are bad/wrong reasons. Ask yourself some questions…

  • Is it because you are irritated with your child? (bad/wrong)
  • Is it because you feel personally put-out or inconvenienced? (bad/wrong)
  • Is it because they have deliberately disobeyed or disrespected you? (good/right)
  • Is it because they are engaged in behavior that, if left unchecked, will be detrimental to them? (good/right)

If you answer “yes” to the first two (be honest) then hold off on the spanking until you get your attitude straight. Loving motives for a spanking have to do with your desire to help your child curb potentially harmful or outright sinful patterns of behavior. You want to help them, guide them, enable them to move into the realm of self-control so that their urges and spontaneous desires don’t control them. That’s behavior that honors God. And that’s a good motive for physical discipline.

  • Take action sooner rather than later.

Don’t let too much time pass between the offense and the spanking, especially with smaller children. They need to be able to associate the spanking with the wrong that has occurred. the longer the clock ticks between the infraction and the discipline, the less they are going to make that connection. Another aspect of this is that the “shock value” of a swat or spanking that comes immediately after an offense will help to communicate the “no nonsense” attitude you have about what they’ve done. They know you mean business – and there’s nothing ambiguous about it. If you make sure to act sooner rather than later, you won’t become one of those parents who counts to 3, or makes empty threats.

  • Make sure the offense is clearly understood.

Depending on the age of the child you may have to clarify the offense in differing ways. With very small children, a firm “NO” when pointing to the electric outlet will do most of the time. If not, say the firm “NO” as you swat their hand, and again pointing to the outlet as you hold and comfort them. With older children, you will need to talk about things with them to make sure they understand. Let’s make sure you understand why this is so important…

If you spank your child but they are unclear on why they are being spanked, you’ve pushed them toward embitterment, not wisdom (Ephesians 6:4). What I suggest is that you talk BRIEFLY about the offense to lay the groundwork, then have the spanking, then talk more extensively about it afterward as you comfort/hold the child. Speak to the reality of the issue. Things like, “You did a bad thing…” aren’t sufficient. You need to say, “YOU hit your brother… that means YOU were not being loving to Him, and God wants YOU to love YOUR brother” (see how it’s personal?). Kids don’t always put 2 and 2 together, so we have to make sure they see the REALITY of what they actually did.

  • Spanking of children should always be controlled.

There is no excuse for a 200 pound man to be wailing away uncontrollably at a 65 pound kid! That’s abuse, not a spanking. You need to be in full control of yourself when you spank your child. And’ let’s not be naive and say that a parent should never be angry when they spank. The truth is, you can (and sometimes should) be hopping mad at your kid for a very legitimate reason when it comes time to spank. The question is, how do you avoid going overboard?

Do you decide “I just won’t spank when I’m angry”? I don’t think that’s healthy or right. Your children need to see your anger at their sin (not at them personally) in order to get a full-blown picture of the significance of the wrong they have done. God gets angry at sin (and He let people see it), so why shouldn’t we? Here’s what we do: We set a limit for ourselves. For us, a spanking consists of 3 firm swats. We hold each other accountable, we let our kids know it will be 3 swats, and we hold ourselves to it strictly. We understand that NONE of us is above beating our kid instead of spanking them… so we put a safeguard in place to help us not to do so.

  • Make sure it hurts.

Hear me out on this one before you call CPS. I’m not saying you should beat your kids black and blue. I'm not suggesting that you be sadistic about it.

I am saying that the spanking needs to smart enough to make them think a second time before committing that sin again. As with any "learn the hard way" scenario, the consequence has to be painful enough to serve as a deterrent. If it isn't we tend to repeat the same behavior in the future.

Sometimes a mom with a heart-the-size-of-Texas is so sad about having to spank her child that she’ll just give him a little “love tap” instead of a real spanking. I understand the sympathy – but what she probably doesn’t understand is that she’s taking it easy for HER SAKE, not his. It’s actually doing damage to her child (Proverbs 13:24) by teaching him that the consequences for his wrong actions aren’t so bad that he should avoid doing the wrong behavior next time.

  • Always follow up with comfort and reassurance of your love.

Once the spanking of your child is over take her immediately into your lap or hug her (depending on size of the child). She needs to know that this offense has not permanently separated her from you. She needs to know your love in a tangible way she can easily recognize (even though the spanking is an act of love itself, she won’t immediately see it as such). Hold her close like this as you talk about the issue. Hold her as you reassure her of your love and your confidence that with God’s help, she can change this kind of behavior. Don’t downplay what she did – it is not “alright.” She sinned. But she is repenting and can move on with the help of God and you, her loving parent.

  • Require effective apologies.

When the offense was committed against another person, have the guilty child apologize. Don’t allow them to say, “I’m sorry…” with their eyes turned down and a sullen or timid voice. Chances are that they really aren’t sorry if that’s the case. Have them look the other person in the eye and say SPECIFICALLY what they are sorry for. “I’m sorry that I hit you.”

In order to get to this point and have it be genuine, you'll have to engage in a significant amount of conversation with the child during the discipline process (see the 3rd point). Some feel that a requirement like this is too humiliating for the child, but it’s actually an essential part of repentance. The formula looks like this:

sin + conviction + confession/apology = repentance.

It's making things right with those who were hurt. Once this is done, you'll have the equally challenging task of helping the offended child learn to forgive from the heart.

Please hear me again – there’s no sense in which I am advocating abuse. Children have a right to be treated justly. But a loving spanking administered the right way is not abuse. It is a motivator toward right attitudes and behavior that will serve the child for the rest of their life.

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Categories : Parenting
Tags : abuse, Christian family, Christian home, Christian marriage, Christian parenting, discipline, parenting, spanking children, wplongform
spank children

Should parents spank children? – what the Bible says

Posted by Carey 
· Wednesday, September 5th, 2012 

I recently began a series of posts about whether to spank children as a form of discipline. Here’s what the Bible actually says about spanking…

Let’s dive into the scriptures…

I’m going to start out with a few passages that refer to discipline/correction in general because they set the context for appropriate physical correction….

Proverbs 1:7 –  The fear of the LORD is the beginning of knowledge, but fools despise wisdom and discipline.

This passage highlights the importance of healthy fear as it relates to God and the discipline process.  We can’t hope to discipline properly if we, as parents, don’t have a proper fear of the Lord, and if we are not helping our children to gain the beginnings of that fear also.

Proverbs 3:11-12 – My son, do not despise the LORD’s discipline and do not resent his rebuke, because the LORD disciplines those he loves, as a father the son he delights in.

  • Discipline is to be an act of love – when from God or a parent.  I have to confess there have been times when I’ve rushed to discipline with one of my kids because I was personally hurt/embarrased/inconvenienced, etc.  It had more to do with what the outcome was on me (a punitive, selfish response) than it did with the wrong that was done.  Be careful to know your own motives, parents…
  • A parent can delight in their child and be very attentive to discipline at the same time.  We discipline our children because we care for them so much. We correct their wrong/unsocial/unkind/inconsiderate behavior because we delight in who they are and in who they are to become.

Proverbs 13:24 – He who spares the rod hates his son, but he who loves him is careful to discipline him.

Some would argue that this passage is speaking of discipline in general, not a spanking. Could be… but coupled with the rest of the passages that speak of the rod, it’s a bit simplistic to make such a wholesale assumption… as you’ll see. But some points here:

  • Not spanking is a form of neglect. Solomon says you hate your child if you withhold the rod of correction.
  • Parents who love their kids are “careful” to discipline them. It’s a thoughtful, controlled process.

Proverbs 22:15 – Folly is bound up in the heart of a child, but the rod of discipline will drive it far from him.

What is folly?  Some translations call it “foolishness.”  It’s a natural part of being a child to be foolish. Part of the parent’s job is to teach their children, through various means, how to curb that foolish tendency – because it can be very dangerous.  Part of the way we parents are to do that is through the use of a spanking.  Let me explain by way of an example…

Children get excited when they play.  They lose all track of what’s going on around them.  If you’ve ever tried to call your son to dinner when he’s playing Nintendo, you know what I mean.

Once, when my son was very small, he was absorbed in a game of “ball” we were playing in the front yard.  We were having a great time.  Then the ball went bouncing into the street.  He went after it.  Despite my calls and stern voice, he kept running – a look of joy on his cute little face!  FOOLISHNESS!

I ran out, yanked him up, and spanked him – all the while telling him, “NO going out in the street!  NO!  You will get hurt…”  Can you see that my application of a spanking was actually a response to his foolishness, and a loving action?  I’d rather have his little bottom be sore for a bit, than for him to be broken and bleeding in the street.

Proverbs 23:13-14 – Do not withhold discipline from a child; if you punish him with the rod, he will not die. Punish him with the rod and save his soul from death.

I have to laugh each time I read this because it so perfectly answers the concern of many opponents of spanking – and with a little twist of sarcasm, no less!  The verse is making the point that physical punishment is completely appropriate when administered properly.  This kind of punishment is actually very instrumental in leading the child into the right paths. And by the way, this verse makes no sense at all if “rod” only means “discipline.”

Last verse…

Proverbs 29:15 – The rod of correction imparts wisdom, but a child left to himself disgraces his mother.

Wisdom is the opposite of foolishness – and we see that not only does it drive out foolishness when we properly spank, it also embeds wisdom into the hearts of our children in ways they will not forget.  The physical intensity of a spanking is part of what it is that engrains the lesson in the mind of the child.  It was the physical intensity of falling from a 30 ft. cliff when rock climbing one spring that engrained the importance of using proper equipment into my head. I’ll NEVER make that mistake again.  And parents who love their children cannot wait for the natural consequences to happen – if they do, they will have a dead child (remember the car coming down the street)?  Spanking, properly applied, does bring wisdom.

My motives

I don’t want to abuse my children, neither do you. I don’t want to see anyone else abuse their children. But spanking is not abuse. When rightly administered, it is a form of loving discipline that curbs foolishness and imparts wisdom. You could ask my grown children, and they’d tell you the same.

In future posts I’ll go into what makes the difference between an appropriate spanking and an abusive one.

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Categories : Parenting
Tags : child discipline, children obey your parents, Christian family, Christian home, Christian marriage, Christian parenting, disciplining children, physical discipline, should parents spank children, spanking children
spank children

Spanking children – is it abusive?

Posted by Carey 
· Thursday, August 2nd, 2012 

Spanking children – is it abusive?

The common “wisdom” of our day is that spanking children is a form of abuse. Some say it so definitively that it seems beyond question.

But THINK about the statement for just a minute. It is such a GENERALIZED statement…

spanking children

  • In both cases the statement COULD be true, but it isn’t NECESSARILY true.
  • No doubt spanking can, in some cases, be legitimately abusive.
  • But that doesn’t mean it always is.

There is a whole lot more that has to be said before we can determine if it is true in any given case.

In short, here’s what I believe about spanking children…

  • The Bible not only allows spanking of children, the Bible prescribes it (Proverbs 13:24; Proverbs 22:15; Proverbs 23:13-14; Proverbs 29:15) – I’ll deal with these references in more detail in a later post… and the common misinterpretations people foist upon them.
  • Spanking children must be done lovingly, and with great discernment. I’ll cover the “how to” of that in a future post as well.
  • Spanking children cannot be carried out biblically outside a context of good relationship with the child. More on this in a future post.
  • Spanking children cannot be done arbitrarily. Both parent and child must understand why a spanking is administered in a given situation. Again, more to come…
  • Spanking children is not automatically rejected because Jesus didn’t address it specifically. There are many things Jesus didn’t address (political freedom, healthy eating habits, physical exercise, etc.) but that doesn’t mean that He would have rejected them.

Watch for my future posts in this series. I’ll cover the “When, How, and Why” of spanking children… from a biblical perspective (mixed with a little common sense.)

spanking children

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Categories : Parenting
Tags : abuse of spanking children, Christian discipline, Christian family, Christian home, Christian marriage, Christian parenting, corporal punishment, physical discipline, spanking children, spare the rod
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