Archive for trust in marriage

How to rebuild marital trust

Posted by Carey

· Friday, March 25th, 2016

If you’re wondering how to build marital trust, it’s really pretty simple.

You’ve got to learn how to be entirely open with each other.

Yes, I know it’s hard. It’s worse than hard – it’s almost impossible.

But you’ve GOT to learn it if you’re going to build trust the way it is SUPPOSED to be in marriage.

Here’s an example for you…

One of the most devastating examples of broken trust in marriage is in the case of adultery.

What was once a naive trust on the part of the offended partner is jerked into reality with the delicacy of a train wreck.

Why do I call it “naive trust?” Because that’s what it is… trust based on assumptions and expectations – not on the reality of what’s going on in the offending spouse’s heart.

But if both partners had been committed to actively maintaining open, honest, entirely transparent communication between each other the marital trust would have been protected through loving accountability.

But that’s not what normally happens in marriages these days.

Partners rely on the assumption and expectation of faithfulness – which is valid to do. After all, he/she made a vow to be faithful, right? Yes, but vows have to be carried out in real life, and real life doesn’t play nice. The best of intentions can be derailed in an unguarded moment – just ask Simon Peter.

And if that unguarded moment comes to a husband or wife who’s already withholding things from his/her spouse – there’s no context of accountability that exists, no obvious reminder of the vows that have been made.

So what am I advocating? That couples build marital trust by telling each other EVERYTHING.

Yes, everything.

In every situation.

All the time.

I mean, think it through…

What does it mean to “be one” in marriage if things are intentionally withheld? Nothing. It’s a nice sounding phrase without truth beneath it.

The couple is deceiving themselves and each other, thinking they are closer, more secure in their relationship than they really are.

And the train wreck will come.

It may not be adultery… it could be abandonment, or a sudden divorce, or increasing distance that results in separate lives.

Whatever it is, it’s coming – simply because the couple is not actively working to prevent it.

It really is that simple.

Steps to building marital trust.

1 Confess and repent.

You’ve got to start over, to clean the slate and begin again.

That process starts with confession of what you’ve done wrong (lack of openness?) and turning toward what you know is right (honesty and transparency in all things).

Read this blog post together.
Let it spark an open discussion.
Assess where you are and repent together.
Ask God for His help and wisdom as you chart a new course.

2 Make a newfound commitment to openness.

Talk about why you haven’t been entirely honest with each other up to this point in your marriage. Be honest 😉

Is it because of…

Insecurity?
Fear?
Bitterness?
Resentment?
Habit?
Laziness?
Busy-ness?
Foolishness?
A combination of these?

Each of you may have different reasons that have combined to make things what they are.

Commit together that things are going to change and that your marriage is going to become healthier as a result.

If you don’t begin thinking in that direction together, who will?

3 Be intentional about your decision.

If you don’t determine a course of action, you’ll naturally drift back into the habits of non-communication you have been stuck in.

Plan your time together. I recommend daily.

You need to regularly know the pulse of each other’s souls in order to live as “one.”

You need to feel confident that there’s nothing hidden in your partner’s heart.

THAT is what loving accountability is… the comfort of knowing that someone who loves you knows everything – and will help you stay on track.

Grab a tool to help you get started. A study or book that provokes conversation is a good place to begin.

4 Fight to build the new habit.

Commitments and good intentions are great but they don’t last very long.

You’re going to hit a point where you are tugged back into the rut you’ve been in.

It’s at that point that you have to kill the things that threaten your commitment.

It will be hard.

You will have to fight.

But it’s worth it.

And with God’s help you will begin to see marital trust rise to new levels.

That’s my prayer for you. That’s what I know the LORD Himself desires for you.

What is the first step you need to take in order to address this issue – right now? Go do it.

Categories : Marriage

Tags : couples, honesty, marital trust, marriage, openness, partner, rebuild trust, spouse, transparency, trust in marriage, trust my spouse

Trust in marriage may not be what you think

Posted by Carey

· Monday, July 15th, 2013

Trust is easily broken… and very difficult to rebuild.

If you’ve been in a relationship for any length of time you know that to be true. It only takes a handful of hurts to cause a boat-load of doubt and mistrust.

Many couples struggle to rebuild or regain trust, which is important. In our marriage intensives we often have to spend a good deal of time addressing issues that have caused trust to be damaged, so that the couple can begin to rebuild it.

Even though rebuilding trust between husband and wife is vital, and needs to happen, the kind of trust in marriage that is most important isn’t THAT kind of trust.

The ability of each spouse to trust God with their marriage is most important.

It doesn’t matter what kind of issues you’re facing:

infidelity
pornography
poor communication
past hurts
childhood wounds
abuse
physical disabilities or illnesses

… every one of them is best handled when each partner in the marriage is able to FIRST trust in the sovereign plan of God in their situation.

Let’s consider an example so you can see what I’m meaning…

After years of misunderstanding or poor communication, couples often get to a point of feeling hopeless. The wife doesn’t feel like her husband really CARES about her and the husband doesn’t believe his wife is really FOR him. She characterizes him as disinterested and he characterizes her as a nag. Neither one is happy. Neither one is fulfilled. Neither one feels like they have the energy to put much more effort into their marriage. They begin to think that the ongoing pain is too much to bear and they’d be better apart than together. Divorce becomes a very real option.

But they’ve forgotten about the key issue: What God is doing in the situation is the most important thing about it.

Most couples who reach this point don’t go there in their thinking.

They often don’t want to go there because it will require them to endure the difficulties instead of seeking to run away from them. I know, marriage problems can be excruciating… which leads me to the main point of this post…

Jesus is our example

Do you know the origin of the word “excruciating?”

It’s from the Latin word excruciare, which means “to crucify.” So something that is excruciating is “a pain like the pain of crucifixion.”

Jesus knows that kind of pain, wouldn’t you say? In fact, Jesus willingly endured that kind of pain because He trusted that His Father’s plan to send Him to the cross, was the best plan. (John 10:18). Jesus trusted His Father even though His plan would entail pain and suffering for Him. Jesus trusted His Father even though His plan would mean that Jesus would be mocked, ridiculed, and falsely accused. Jesus trusted His Father… more than He desired to be free from pain or discomfort. There was more at stake than His own well-being. The Father had a perfect plan…

In the comfort-oriented culture in which we live, the kind of mindset Jesus had is unheard of.

We try to avoid pain. We try to stop it or get out of it once we are experiencing it. We run to divorce court to avoid pain in our marriages.

But Jesus shows us there is another way… a better way that is less about our suffering and more about the will of the Father. Marriage problems definitely CAN be excruciating… and like our LORD Jesus, we are to endure the pain for the greater good the Father has in mind, just like Jesus did when He suffered on the cross (Hebrews 12:2).

What does that mean practically?

It means that our focus has to move away from how untrustworthy our spouse may be, and onto how trustworthy our God is (Psalm 93:5).
It means that we need to remember that with God there are no mistakes (Proverbs 16:33), so the spouse we have is the spouse HE desires for us to have.
It means that we need to submit our will to the will of the Father again and again as we endure the situation (Luke 22:42).
It means that we need to look beyond the pain of the present, seeking the ultimate joy that the Father desires to bring out of it (Hebrews 12:2).
It means that if our marriage includes injustice or mistreatment, we must learn to entrust ourselves and the situation to the Father, the righteous Judge (1 Peter 2:22-23).
It means that we must trust that He knows what He is doing… because HE is God…

Oh, the depth of the riches and wisdom and knowledge of God! How unsearchable are his judgments and how inscrutable his ways! For who has known the mind of the Lord, or who has been his counselor? Or who has given a gift to him that he might be repaid? For from him and through him and to him are all things. To him be glory forever. Amen. – Romans chapter 11, verses 33 through 36

The trust in marriage that really matters is OUR TRUST IN GOD to be the Author of our marriage and the one who is at work to use it for His glorious purposes.

When is a time YOU have had to trust God with your marriage?