To teach your children well it’s about more than correction
A few days back Mindi and I had a conversation about an interaction I had with our son Caleb while we were eating dinner. After 15 minutes of muddling through our differing perceptions of what had happened, I discovered that while trying to teach Caleb something, I didn’t truly instruct him at all. Here’s the scenario… (time warp back to the dinner table)
Here’s what went through my mind… He took the rice bowl and we went on with our dinner conversation.
To teach your children well, let God teach you
The LORD used my conversation with Mindi to help me realize that in my own head, I was wanting Caleb to learn something about consideration, but I never communicated a word of that to him.
For all I know, he could have been thinking,
“Man, Dad is sure stressed about a bowl of rice.”
Or worse,
“Dad is always so short and bossy. I feel like he’s always irritated with me.”
That leads me to the most important thing I realized…
When no explanation is given for a stern, short, or intense remark, the person hearing it will take it negatively 99.9% of the time.
When it comes to kids, it’s probably 100%.
And because I’m “Dad,” it makes me less approachable in their minds, because I’m unreasonable.
Some lessons learned
- If I felt Caleb needed to learn something, it needed to be explained.
- More communication would have been very helpful (see the next heading).
- There was no need to be tense or short. He wasn’t intentionally ignoring me.
- I have GOT to be more careful with my tone. The last thing I want is for my kids to feel I’m unapproachable.
The follow-up conversation
At Mindi’s suggestion (she’s always been a great help to me in this way) I went to talk with Caleb about the situation. He remembered it. I told him that I was feeling concerned at the time that he assess the situation and do what seemed most considerate. I didn’t expect the response I got. Here’s what he said…
I learned a couple of things in that conversation too:
- His reasoning about the situation was just as good as mine.
- He was assuming maturity in me, while I was not assuming the best about him.
- It could be that I was the one being inconsiderate.
I want to make sure that I’m opening up my child’s heart instead of locking it down. That’s what good communication, and good instruction does. That is how you can teach your children well!
Tell me what you struggle with in this area… is enough communication happening?
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Wow, what a cool conversation to have with your kid. I look forward to my kids being able to have mature conversations like this!
I love your emphasis on communication – that’s such a crucial foundation to the family.
@Loren Pinilis Yep, as I’ve said in other posts, communication blows away the fog of misunderstanding, ignorance, and assumption. Dealing with truth is a whole lot easier than dealing with misperceptions of truth.
I would love to hear your suggestions of what this looks like with a toddler! Derrick and I were discussing this very thing the other day, about how to teach Samara not just correct her behavior. But it is hard becuase I can’t exactly carry on a conversation like you did with Caleb
@Christina Wood Hi Tina… glad you are chiming in. When the are as young as your sweet little one, the “no” and quick consequence are about the best you can do. At the very least you are teaching a boundary they will not be allowed to cross, and the importance of submission to God-given authority. As they grow and are able to understand more, you teach them progressively more of the “why” behind the boundary & authority – God’s protection and provision. I remember feeling the same frustration when our first couple were that small… but in time, with consistency, love, and patience, they begin to understand as they are able.
Having said all that – you can take them in your lap after the discipline and say simple, truthful things, “Jesus wants you to obey Mommy.” “The cat will hurt you – owie!” and the like. Being a “parrot” with those things goes a long way too, in shaping their conscience and mindset. Feel free to push back, ask specifics, etc.
@Carey Green
Helpful, thank you!
Thank you! That was so helpful. Perspective and communication are both so important.
Hi LauraBennet… and thanks for joining the conversation! I’m learning more all the time that my perspective is not always right (even though I am the Dad). Humility in parenting helps our kids gain humility themselves, simply because they see someone who is “over” them who they truly can look up to! Blessings to you and yours!
@LauraBennet Hi! And thanks for joining the conversation! I’m learning more all the time that my perspective is not always right (even though I am the Dad). Humility in parenting helps our kids gain humility themselves, simply because they see someone who is “over” them who they truly can look up to! Blessings to you and yours!